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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to say DC can't spend time with exH's housemate?

75 replies

Argh2022 · 19/03/2022 14:58

Name changed for obvious reasons.

ExH told me this week he might move in a lodger soon. He told the DC the person's name and several details, eg they'll bring some pets with them. He's already asked permission from the letting agent. So all a lot more nailed down than he made me think. ExH is renting, so it's unlikely to be a lodger arrangement - more likely to both be tenants.

Potential housemate is an activist, and some of what exH told the DC about this person's views has already been parroted back to me by DC. This particular kind of activism (belligerent online personality, threats against anyone who disagrees etc) is not something I want around my DC. ExH is armchair/online activist-adjacent. Before we left, he devoted his time to building his online presence (unbeknownst to me - I happened upon his huge follower count months later), separating himself from all of us in the same house. He sometimes didn't see the DC for an entire week despite living in the same house. We are still scarred by his erratic behaviour during this time.

ExH met the potential housemate on the internet, as far as I know. Person is unemployed, as far as I can work out, so no DBS. No idea where money for rent will come from.

ExH is struggling for money (he spent thousands on, essentially, toys in the past year - tv, PS5, lots of others). He has a very good salary, but, I assume, lots of debt to repay. He pays maintenance, but not very regularly because he's often short of money before payday. He has a very good job. I've been flexible and accommodating about this to keep the peace.

DC see him several times a week but don't sleep over. They've had a rocky relationship because exH is unable to consider anyone's needs except his own. Younger DC's school raised safeguarding concerns about his behaviour towards DC a few months ago.

ExH was emotionally abusive to me before I left with DC (I had help from domestic violence charity) and continues to be emotionally abusive to the DC (gaslighting).

AIBU to say DC can't go to exH's house and he'll have to see them elsewhere?

(Also, this might be unpopular on MN, but I have a real dislike of pets for germophobe reasons and don't want DC to be around this person's pets as I'll have to deal with hair, smell etc.)

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 19/03/2022 17:01

It's really up to your ex who the children spend time with when with him.

Does he get to veto people that you introduce to the children when with you?

Chloemol · 19/03/2022 17:04

Completely off topic why haven’t you got cms involved to take the money off his salary every payday?

Original poster
Argh2022 · 19/03/2022 17:16

@MajorCarolDanvers

It's really up to your ex who the children spend time with when with him.

Does he get to veto people that you introduce to the children when with you?

Absolutely - this is the point I get stuck on, too. Of course I wouldn't want him to tell me who I can and can't have in my house. I don't want to dictate to him either.

But he has a tendency to ignore the children's needs completely, so he wouldn't notice if the DC are uncomfortable and wouldn't believe me if I told him. They have a lot of feelings about what happens when they're with him, but he has no idea.

I've been avoiding CMS to keep things amicable and because the flexibility helps ExH make ends meet.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 19/03/2022 17:27

If you’re not willing to even entertain the idea of going to court, there’s nothing you can reasonably do.

Your exh sounds like a piece of work and I understand it must be awful to still have to interact with him on a civil basis after how he treated, and continues to treat, you.

MaryAndHerNet · 19/03/2022 17:34

Is he allowed to dictate who the kids associate with within your home?

If he tried, how would you respond?

BOOTS52 · 19/03/2022 18:10

You are being ridiculous about the pets as pets are lovely and have a lovely dog and they are great for children to be around. I would be concerned that there are strange men around my children and I would like a background check on them so I know they are safe. Also tell your husband not to leave your child alone with these new lodgers. I would get it sorted legally so the maintenance is automatically paid from his wages into your account as his child should be the priority. Maybe it is worth getting a mediator for you both to draw up a plan that works around visits/maintenance etc and if he does not keep to it then I would go down the legal route as you should not have to go without or ask him for the maintenace.

BOOTS52 · 19/03/2022 18:13

Also why are you worrying about him financially after what he has put you though. I worked in Citizens information and we always advised people to have a legal document in place for maintenance etc and to go for mediation. Your children have to be the priority and part of that is maintenance payments.

Lolapusht · 19/03/2022 18:59

If he’s getting a lodger/tenant then he’ll have more money for maintenance. I’d be worried about a random internet “friend” moving in. Do you know who they are so you can check out their online presence to get a feel for what they’re like?

bluedodecagon · 19/03/2022 19:21

If SS raised concerns, then can't you follow that up? Confused. You seem to be tying your own hands.

Original poster
Argh2022 · 19/03/2022 19:22

@Lolapusht

If he’s getting a lodger/tenant then he’ll have more money for maintenance. I’d be worried about a random internet “friend” moving in. Do you know who they are so you can check out their online presence to get a feel for what they’re like?

I've checked, based on DC's tales and my suspicions - absolutely batshit, in short.

OP posts:
Original poster
Argh2022 · 19/03/2022 19:24

@bluedodecagon

If SS raised concerns, then can't you follow that up? Confused. You seem to be tying your own hands.

The school raised concerns. I don't think it went as far as SS (I assume I would have found out if it had). DC is now doing better because of changes we made to contact (slightly shorter times away from me), so I haven't heard anything for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
Argh2022 · 19/03/2022 19:28

So all those posters saying it's none of my business who ExH has in his house and around the children - I totally get your point.

But put yourself in my shoes - how can I be ok with this? What do I need to tell myself to stop myself from worrying about the impact of this on the DC? That this could be a nice person and enrich their lives?! That the pets will enrich their lives and bugger the inevitable cleanup at my house?

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 19/03/2022 19:42

Why would you have to clean up at your house op?

Original poster
Argh2022 · 19/03/2022 19:53

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Why would you have to clean up at your house op?

Presumably house mate's pets will shed hair and it'll stick to the DC's clothes, DC might smell a bit etc. Their dad isn't great on hygiene.

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 19/03/2022 20:33

@Argh2022
Presumably house mate's pets will shed hair and it'll stick to the DC's clothes, DC might smell a bit etc.Their dad isn't great on hygiene.

Eveb if it was a cat climbing and moulting all over the children, by the time they're home most of it will be off and by the time it's in the washing machine there's unlikely to be an issue.

Your pet issue, is your issue and irrelevant.

As pp, unless there are genuine safeguarding concerns regarding the lodger and your children, then you're going to have to learn to let this go. And empower your children with the skills necessary to raise an issue if this ever became necessary, which is good practice anyway.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 19/03/2022 20:39

Presumably house mate's pets will shed hair and it'll stick to the DC's clothes, DC might smell a bit etc. Their dad isn't great on hygiene.

I think that's making a bit of a drama over nothing re. the pet hair. Just put them in the bath when they get home, and get them to put clothes in the wash.

Re. hygiene, surely the 12yo is responsible for their own showers, teeth etc? Can they help the 5yo?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 19/03/2022 20:39

Do you veto friends with dpets also?

Midlifemusings · 19/03/2022 20:45

I think your children are going to pick up on your discomfort. Idealogically you may not agree with their views but that doesn't automatically mean they are unsafe or a risk.

I don't think you can stop his access or insist he not take them to his house because you don't like the views / politics of his new housemate. Kids with two homes are exposed all the time to new boyfriends / girlfriends / housemates etc. That is the reality of two different homes with different parents with different viewpoints. You aren't always going to agree.

Your germophobe issues are your own. Do not put those on your kids. The pets thing is a non starter.

thebellsesmereldathebells · 19/03/2022 20:47

@Argh2022

So all those posters saying it's none of my business who ExH has in his house and around the children - I totally get your point.

But put yourself in my shoes - how can I be ok with this? What do I need to tell myself to stop myself from worrying about the impact of this on the DC? That this could be a nice person and enrich their lives?! That the pets will enrich their lives and bugger the inevitable cleanup at my house?

I think you'll just have to tell yourself that this is something you can't change, so even if you don't like it you do have to work with it.

It's horrible - nobody wants to feel out of control of what happens to their children - but that is the reality of a split family. His time, his rules unless you have serious grounds for a legal objection.

You're being very silly about the pets, and it undermines your other concerns. A bit of pet hair/slobber is not a big deal, it's not something you can expect to veto, and you need to get over it.

unicornsarereal72 · 19/03/2022 21:44

There has been so very much about the care the children have when they are with their father. School have raised and involved social services twice in the past about the concerns. And it was boiled down to poor parenting. They are allowed to be rubbish parents. It boils down to risk. What are they? Will they trigger a safe guarding in social services eyes. And trust me the bar is high.

My rule of thumb was as long as the kids were safe I had to let go of the lack of hygiene poor sleeping arrangements and lack of interaction with the kids in ex care. Along side a load of other low level stuff.

I have no control over what happens on his watch. Just as he has no say in what happens on mine.

The children voted with their feet in the end.

Just be the best parent you can be.

Grandville · 20/03/2022 08:00

YABU about the pets. Understand you don't like it but if you tell anyone it's a reason yo discourage contact, they will think you are being dramatic and it will make your other concerns also seem silly.

YANBU about the psychological damage to the dc from visiting him. He clearly doesn't treat them well and the new housemate could be a risk. Can you request a Sarah's law check on the housemate? And do a deep dive on their social media to see if there is anything that would raise flags like inappropriate sexualised content featuring children?

bluedodecagon · 20/03/2022 08:37

The pet thing is so stupid, I am begging you to shut up about it. If a judge or SS ever got wind of it, you would have so little credibility that your ability to protect your children would literally go to 0.

Please just shut up about the pet thing. It sounds ridiculous and it makes you sound like an idiot.

Original poster
Argh2022 · 20/03/2022 09:02

@bluedodecagon

The pet thing is so stupid, I am begging you to shut up about it. If a judge or SS ever got wind of it, you would have so little credibility that your ability to protect your children would literally go to 0.

Please just shut up about the pet thing. It sounds ridiculous and it makes you sound like an idiot.

Thanks. So useful. So polite. So supportive.

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 20/03/2022 09:06

You are being very controlling.

Sorry. But you are.

Go to CMS for maintenance and go to court for a contact schedule.

You can’t insist on a veto of who your ex has around your kids when you’re still sending those kids for contact. If he is safe to have the kids then you’re implying he is capable of making judgements of who to have around them.

Sorry.

Sunpotter · 20/03/2022 09:18

Sorry, Bluedodecagon is right.

It's really important you drop the pet nonsense, it's massively undermining you. Stop.

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