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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel I don't need friends as much now?

86 replies

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 13:58

Have a husband and two young kids, work from home have own business. I have various friends but literally only about two I seen on anything like a fortnightly or three weekly basis and that us only because we share the same faith. Friends to say hi to on the school run and old friends I see maybe twice a year.

Have just been thinking today that that's enough. I have everything I need! And it's okay to just see people sporadically here and there wirh big gaps in between.

I think the media push this idea of really intense female friendships and I've had those at various points of my life but at 48 I don't and may not have that sort of friendship again. And that is okay!!

AIBU?

OP posts:

SevenWaystoLeave · 19/03/2022 14:01

Fair enough now, but if you start having troubles/falling out with DH, or when the kids are older and not filling your time so much, you might feel the absence of a friend. I've made the mistake of losing touch with good friends during times I didn't feel I needed them, only to find myself alone when the chips are down.

MatildaTheCat · 19/03/2022 14:01

It’s fine obviously but keep in touch, you might feel differently at some point.

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 14:07

SevenWays and Matilda I have tried to do more with the friends I have but seem to befriend people with lots of other friends and busy social calendars... and am not part of their other social groups. So am always up for meeting but the opportunities don't seem to come up as often as I'd hoped. I am still open for friendship and will take care of the ones I have but will a. Accept they haven't grown into the closer / deeper friendships I was hoping for and b. Be happy with then the way they are I think. Does that make sense?

OP posts:

Chonfox · 19/03/2022 14:50

It's fine if you're happy. Like pps said don't completely burn any bridges though! When your DC grow up or if something were to happen with your husband you can always invest more time in friendships then. Many women will be in the same boat at that age anyway so it shouldn't be too difficult to find like minded souls.

episcomama · 19/03/2022 14:57

I would agree with PP, but also note that your two posts really say different things. The first says "I don't see people much and that's fine, I have all I need" and the second says "My friends are all busy and I don't get to see them as often as I hope." Not the same thing. I actually would try and make more effort to build those friendships, not just in case of "when the kids get older" but because friendships add so much to our lives.

Mind you, I am unashamedly of the view that women's friendships power the world 😂 I'd be lost without my friends

NameChChChChanges1 · 19/03/2022 15:11

@SevenWaystoLeave

Who's to say they'll be there when you need them up even if you are close?

I've been let down by too many people. I don't know if it's perception or reality but it feels like people are extremely self centred these days. Consequently it's hard to even find friends who don't just take, take take.

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 15:22

I love my friends but I don't seem to see many of them that often or regularly if that makes sense? Which leads me to think they don't really need me I suppose. Eg my best friend and I can go 3 mths without speaking. Does that mean we are not best friends?! I think people are very busy these days and life is stressful. Because I am a floater rather than part of an established group I am not seen as regularly I don't think. I have decided to try and be okay with that. Just wanted to put it out there for a discussion!

OP posts:

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 15:23

NameChCh quite.

OP posts:

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 15:25

Ps my best friend does live a 4hour drive away! But we don't speak for months on end. Is that normal?

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springflowerss · 19/03/2022 15:27

I wouldn’t consider someone I didn’t speak to for months at a time my best friend. I see one of my best friends every day at work and hang out with him outside of work too. One of my other best friends I see most weeks.

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 15:30

Springflowerss yes I think you are right. Maybe time to reevaluate some friendships or see them more for what they are xx

OP posts:

Papayamya · 19/03/2022 15:32

As long as you're happy then it doesn't matter what other people think. Personally I adore my friends, only have a few who i would consider close but we have great fun and are a great support as I try to be for them, I love DH and DS to absolute pieces and my life is much richer having them in it, but the women who I'm fortunate enough to have had in my life for many years make it even better. We don't see eachother as often as we'd like at times, but always chat. 3 months without speaking seems like perhaps they don't view you as a best friend? There's being busy then there's not prioritising any time. Again if you're happy great, plenty of people are and hate the idea of friends, but could be you haven't found people you have connected that well with.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/03/2022 15:34

I think that not having friends doesn’t feel like a problem, for as long as your relationship is going well and you’re wrapped up in your small children etc. As your children become older and less dependent on you, or if/when you have lonely or disconnected patches in your marriage, that’s when suddenly you realise that having nobody to turn to to talk about anything with or share a problem or get an opinion on is very very isolating.

Personally, I can’t imagine not having any friends - I have loads, and they’re an enormous feature in my life, we spend a lot of time together and they bring me a lot of love. I’d also find it difficult to have a partner with no friends or social life: conversations about work or children or domestic chores aren’t exactly the stuff of life, and I’d feel stifled by somebody who relied on me to be their everything. It sounds counterintuitive to say spend more time apart to have a better time together, but it’s true. DP and I had a very easy lockdown - but the one thing we did acknowledge being weird is how, living like that all the time with little external feedback and other people around you, is how quickly your world becomes very small and your mind and outlook with it.

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 15:39

I think working from home has recently made me realise that I've become quite isolated. I think I would like to do a bit of work outside the home. I feel I have friends but not the level of friendship I need. The two friends I'm thinking about call me their best friend but go long stretches between being in touch and I suppose I've realised it doesn't feel right if that makes sense. I think I need to maybe start a new hobby or something and make some new friends that way. I've only been living in my new city for the past 2 years and moving a few hours away hasn't helped the older established friendships! Maybe they don't like me as much as I thought they did!

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Sunnytwobridges · 19/03/2022 15:46

@Springalingding

Ps my best friend does live a 4hour drive away! But we don't speak for months on end. Is that normal?

Honestly I don’t think this is normal at all. Especially since you don’t see each other often at all. I speak to my closest friend at least a few times a week as I only see her twice a year. I don’t believe anyone is too busy for at least a 30 min phone call once a week especially for your best friend .

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 15:50

Sunny thank you for your honesty. I think it's time to reassess things.

OP posts:

Chely · 19/03/2022 15:59

I don't see much of the few friend I have and quite happy this way.

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 16:15

Thanks Chely. I suppose I thought it was different/ better than it was but maybe I just have to accept that it is what it is.

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 19/03/2022 16:45

I don’t think it’s great to be so reliant on your husband tbh. That’s a lot of eggs in one basket. Yes it might be OK but it might not.

Even if your marriage stays the course I think becoming over-reliant on your spouse is quite unhealthy tbh. It narrows your horizons down, narrows your perspective. It’s really important in my view to have a range of people in my life for variety

You see so many older couples who are horribly co-dependent and can’t function without one another. It’s pretty depressing.

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 16:51

Thepeopleversuswork I know what you mean. I think it's partly because I don't drink anymore tbh that I don't see a lot of my older friends and the newer ones are people wirh lots of friends so they are not so available if thay makes sense. I think it is time to start a hobby or something and spread the net wider. I think I'm going to just be grateful for the friends I currently have, rather than call them on it, and then aim for closer connections wirh the new friends if that makes sense. I think this thread is making me realise my friendship needs are not being met! Lol.

OP posts:

Dreamstate · 19/03/2022 16:51

I have a friend from uni, we speak maybe once a month sometimes its been 6 months! But always feels like we just spoke yday. We acknowledge both are busy and opposites ends of country. Havent seen her in yrs! But thats okay with both us.

So I think its more about the relationship with ur friend, if you are both happy with how it is. If one isn't then obv that needs ro be addressed.

We are both each others support so knownwe can have a rant and moan and the other understands. So its all good.

Some friendships need u to meet that person more or talk to them more, others don't.

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 16:57

It feels as though I am the more passive friend with both of my female best friends and they seem to be the ones who set the pace and arrange the next meet up. I think that stems from me being less confident than they are historically but I do feel a bit stronger now.... the new friendships I make could be different. Not sure how to change the dynamic with the older friendships.... maybe just need to accept they don't really need me now?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 16:57

They don't need more from me than they offer/ give.

OP posts:

MrsGHarrison87 · 19/03/2022 17:04

I think it's nice to have people to talk to and meet up with occasionally but I can't deal with full on friendships like I did when I was younger. My whole life used to revolve around my best mate, but I'm married now with 4 kids, one with autism and one suspected and any child free time I get, I want to spend it alone having peace or with my husband. I could do with having more friends but in reality I don't have the headspace to prioritise that.

Kite22 · 19/03/2022 17:09

I haven't voted as of course it is reasonable if that is what you want, but it isn't a 'generalised' thing.

I think friends are really important.

I also have really good friends that I can go for months without speaking to - part of what quantifies those friendships are the fact when you do speak / meet up, then you just pick up like you saw them yesterday. I think that is how you know how solid your relationship is, rather than one which was 'of it's time' and has now drifted.

I always say on these threads that people have really different ideas of what a friendship is.

Over the years I have friends who are sort of 'friends of that time' - I recall one friend I used to commute with, so, apart from our time at work, we'd have over an hour every day traveling home, and knew the ins and outs of everything that was happening in each others lives at that time, but, when I left that job, we were only ever in touch once or twice - it was the circumstance rather than a particular kinship. OTOH, like OP, I have some friends I've been friends with for over 45 years, where the friendships have endured months of no contact, and on occasion we've not physically met for a couple of years.

I've never liked the term 'best friend' as I think, by implication it sort of implies other friends are somehow "lesser", which isn't the case for me. I have friendships that are different from one another, and of course some of my friends are closer than others, but there is no single person I would say was my "best" friend.

I actually think the opposite of you OP. I think that with more working from home, and now I'm older and no longer chat to people on school run / at swimming lessons / at cubs / etc., it becomes even more important to nurture friendships of your own, rather than friendships of circumstance.

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