To feel I don't need friends as much now?

[Springalingding]

Have a husband and two young kids, work from home have own business. I have various friends but literally only about two I seen on anything like a fortnightly or three weekly basis and that us only because we share the same faith. Friends to say hi to on the school run and old friends I see maybe twice a year.

Have just been thinking today that that's enough. I have everything I need! And it's okay to just see people sporadically here and there wirh big gaps in between.

I think the media push this idea of really intense female friendships and I've had those at various points of my life but at 48 I don't and may not have that sort of friendship again. And that is okay!!

AIBU?

@Springalingding

They don't need more from me than they offer/ give.

You don't know that. You say that you're very passive with them. Maybe they just get fed up of always doing the work rather than you also making an effort? They may enjoy seeing you more if you actually take some initiative. People get fed up of being the ones to make all the effort. You get out what you put in. Why not give it a try?

Agree OP. I have work related female friends but I rarely socialise with any of them outside of work. Have a few friends who are more like sisters from when I was very young. We speak a few times a year, see each other less. Tbh my life is much calmer since I ditched close female friendships . I'm a solitary loner and a bit of a tomboy so I prefer male company apart from my daughter who doesn't count

No I do stay in touch and try and call.and text and often they don't reply straight away, especially one can be our of contact for several.months even if I call.or text.... it's a friendship on her terms I suppose as she has a busy job and loads of good friends and we moved away from the area. The other friend keeps herself to herself.more but can also go several.montus with no contact despite me sending the odd text. So that's what I'm saying, I do try and stay in touch with them and I would like more weekly fortnightly contact and more regular meet ups but they clearly don't feel the same.

Beethecrackon see that's the thing... when I read your post I think yes I agree- why bother!! It's a lot of hard work for some reason!

Have you suggested a more regular meet-up? Have you tried putting your cards on the table and saying "hey, I feel like we lead such busy lives that we've drifted apart a little but I would really love to spend some time together. I miss catching up with you. How do you feel about going out for a nice dinner/whatever together next month/one weekend etc?

All you can do is ask the question and see if you get a response.

I had 2 very close female friends in my 20s. Then husbands and kids came along and we've drifted in and out of each others' lives, sometimes not having any real contact for years. We're early 50s now. When Covid happened, like many people it made me re-evaluate my life. I tried again with these 2 friends. it took a few attempts but we reconnected. One in particular has become very close to me again. We're both busy but we check in via text regularly. We meet when we can and we've just booked a weekend trip abroad later this year. I was so close to abandoning our friendship. She was slow to respond to texts, sometimes never did, even when it was something really important. Yet she was out with other friends and always busy. I felt like I wasn't good enough. But we both put the effort in and now we're as close as we were back in our 20s (minus the drunken nights out lol). We have lots of commitments/busy lives and life 1-1.5 hours apart but we make it work. She's there for me if I need her and vice versa. It just took one of to really make an effort and then we suddenly realised we still had what had made our friendship special 30 years ago.

HundredMiles that's a lovely hopeful story. I do say to my oldest friend when we meet 'this has been amazing shall we do it again in a month or six weeks?' She agrees and says we could always talk for days straight and then 3 months will go by wirh no phone calls maybe the odd text. I think I've done that thing of subconsciously putting my eggs in these two old friends baskets but they don't want to see me anymore than they already do it seems. They know if they suggested meeting up I would always be up for it!! I could suggest but it's them that disappear and stop replying to texts etc so I sort of think why should I? I don't want to be too pushy. I need to make room for new friends now I think.

I think it’s perfectly fine to not have in your face relationships with friends. It goes in waves how often I see and speak to mine. Im not a people needy person though and would quite happily go for weeks in my own company. Horses for courses

I understand where you're coming from. Some people are just really wrapped up in their own lives (as you can see from some posters on here). I live alone, I don't have kids nor do I have family within 200 miles. So if I want to be sociable, I have to put the effort in (even if it irks me at times). So I have a very wide circle of people I'm friendly with from work colleagues to neighbours to gym people to volunteer friends. Some of those people have turned into closer friends, some haven't.

As you've said, maybe look widening your circle and in parallel give being pushy a try with one of your long term friends...I found the hardest thing is making that initial breakthrough. And that might mean you tell your friend how you're feeling i.e. we meet, we seem to have a great time and agree to do it again, then I contact you to arrange it and you don't reply for months. I know we're both busy but it feels like you don't mean what you say...if that's the case, just be honest with me. Sometimes all you can do is be direct about it!

I find it a bit odd tbh grown women who do still have friends like they did when they were in school/uni. You know, going 'out with the girls' .

I'm married like you, two kids. Yes i have some nice friends I can chat to, one is coming over for coffee tomorrow morning. But I don't have those kind of full on friendships anymore. It does have its downsides! In all honesty, I'm approaching a big birthday next year and Ive had a few people ask if I'm having a party. Honest answer would be no, because I could never guarantee enough people would be arsed enough to turn up. As it is, I don't have any friends good enough who buy me a present on my birthday unless I've had some sort of meal out to celebrate.

I do know people who have big 'girl gangs' who all hang out. I'm honestly quite thankful I don't have to.

When your kids are older you will want more active friendships I’d expect, and certainly when you retire.. so I wouldn’t totally close the door on it.

I am tickled by the idea the media pushes intense female friendships. I spose it’s better than drugs

@CoastalWave

I find it a bit odd tbh grown women who do still have friends like they did when they were in school/uni. You know, going 'out with the girls' .

I'm married like you, two kids. Yes i have some nice friends I can chat to, one is coming over for coffee tomorrow morning. But I don't have those kind of full on friendships anymore. It does have its downsides! In all honesty, I'm approaching a big birthday next year and Ive had a few people ask if I'm having a party. Honest answer would be no, because I could never guarantee enough people would be arsed enough to turn up. As it is, I don't have any friends good enough who buy me a present on my birthday unless I've had some sort of meal out to celebrate.

I do know people who have big 'girl gangs' who all hang out. I'm honestly quite thankful I don't have to.

Why is it odd to go out with your friends as an adult? I love my partner, but I don’t want him to be my entire social life,

You don't really sound happy to be honest.

Trying a new hobby where you can make friends is a good idea, but also don't feel shy about getting in touch with existing friends and suggesting you meet up or go and do something together.

I'm not part of a big group of friends either, but have single or pairs of friends who I might see once a month or every 6 weeks with a bit of texting in between. Others I only really talk to but hope to rekindle the friendship when kids are older so meeting up is easier.

Do you have to wfh full time or can you go into the office occasionally? I find I really miss the social interaction when working from home.

Taswama it's been on my mind lately because I've been homebound due to q health issue. Also my husband and I run a business from home..he works too much and isn't very socially available but that is q whole other thread!! The health issue and being at home a lot has made me feel quite lonely tbh. It's made me think through a lot of things. I should get our if the house more when health issue improves... I'm thinking hobby or voluntary work. I feel I'm too young to give up on finding new.friendS!!

Sorry for the typos!

I don’t know how people have time for friends? On a weekday you have to do the school run, work all day, pick up your kids, feed them and help with their homework, put them to bed, by which time it’s 9pm and you’re knackered and you just flop in front of the telly for an hour before you have to go to bed yourself. Weekends you have to drive them to activities, do the laundry and housework, visit grandparents, do some DIY, maybe have a family day out and if you’re lucky you might get an evening to yourself. I spend one evening per fortnight with a group of friends and that’s literally the only socialising I have time for!

I think it's fine if that's how you feel. I feel the opposite, I was just musing with friends recently about how as I get older, the more I'm treasuring my friendships and their importance in my life is stronger than ever. We're all different though, I don't think there is a right or wrong.

@CoastalWave

I find it a bit odd tbh grown women who do still have friends like they did when they were in school/uni. You know, going 'out with the girls' .

I'm married like you, two kids. Yes i have some nice friends I can chat to, one is coming over for coffee tomorrow morning. But I don't have those kind of full on friendships anymore. It does have its downsides! In all honesty, I'm approaching a big birthday next year and Ive had a few people ask if I'm having a party. Honest answer would be no, because I could never guarantee enough people would be arsed enough to turn up. As it is, I don't have any friends good enough who buy me a present on my birthday unless I've had some sort of meal out to celebrate.

I do know people who have big 'girl gangs' who all hang out. I'm honestly quite thankful I don't have to.

Is it really so difficult to understand that people live their lives differently to you? I go out with my group of woman friends and are still very close to them. I’m also a ‘grown woman’. You don’t suddenly grow out of having mates.

I meet friends during my lunchbreak @Donra and like you will manage an evening out about once a fortnight, normally starting 7.30 or 8pm after the kids are fed and at least on the way to bed. Kids activities don't take all weekend so can manage a Saturday afternoon now and then as well.

I do know people who have big 'girl gangs' who all hang out. I'm honestly quite thankful I don't have to.

Well, you don't have to. You never had to. I don't have a "big girl gang" - indeed, I never did - but I've certainly got enough friends to fill a party if I wanted to have one. That doesn't mean we all go out as one homogenous group . Some I will see at one activity I go to, some will be from long standing friendships, some will be friends of dh originally, some might be colleagues I'm friendly with, etc etc.

I don’t know how people have time for friends? On a weekday you have to do the school run, work all day, pick up your kids, feed them and help with their homework, put them to bed, by which time it’s 9pm and you’re knackered and you just flop in front of the telly for an hour before you have to go to bed yourself. Weekends you have to drive them to activities, do the laundry and housework, visit grandparents, do some DIY, maybe have a family day out and if you’re lucky you might get an evening to yourself.

You do realise not everyone on MN is the same age? That everyone isn't at the same life stage as you ? That even those that are, have different energy levels, and different levels of support, and different amounts of determination not to just lose any sense of self when they have dc ?

Why is it odd to go out with your friends as an adult? I love my partner, but I don’t want him to be my entire social life,

Agree

To be honest, your life sounds quite typical of a working parent.

I have quite a few friends, but really only one friend that I see weekly. People have all got their own lives to be getting on with.

We’re in our early 40s and have a son; most of our friends are a similar age and have kids too. So much of our socialising is done with kids.

This weekend for example I met up with an old friend and her toddler while DS was at school: years ago we’d have a night out and wine and dinner: these days our catch ups have to be more child friendly. But still enjoyable.

I think as long as you do keep in contact with your friends: then as you all have more time when the kids are older, the friendships will strengthen again

My friends are hugely important to me. They've helped me through any crap in my life, they're there to have a chat or have fun with, they are absolutely invaluable.

I have an amazing boyfriend, kids, parents, siblings but my friends are still a huge and important part of my life.

If you're lonely, OP, then the friendships are worth the effort of reviving. If you were satisfied without them, that would be different.

I have a husband, an extended family, and pets. I am happy without friends and wouldn't want to put in the effort to maintain more relationships atm. I can understand that some people need or want friendships, but that seems to be the norm, so most people understand it. It's less socially accepted to say you don't want to bother or don't feel the need. People seem to think there's something wrong with an adult being happy without friends, or they rather patronisingly don't believe you actually could be happy, since they wouldn't be. If you say your partner is your best friend, they suggest codependence and ask what you'll do if or when your partner dies or leaves you. Well, what will you do if your friend dies or stops bothering? You'll cross that bridge when you come to it! It's tiresome, honestly. I can't change who I am. I don't wish to live my life differently just in case my husband dies before I do.

OP, I hope you can find a way to feel less lonely!

I get it. I have a handful of friends, but no 'group.' I think this is due to moving around so much. I meet up with each regularly, but few of them know each other. It can feel a bit disjointed/isolating at times.

However I have a very social job and am an introvert, so am happy enough with my lot I suppose.

Thanks for posting everyone. I think I originally posted questioning whether I accept the fact that friendships are not where I want them.to be and whether to just be happy anyway or whether I should strive for more. This discussion has made me realise I do want to strive for more. Thank you.

Definitely strive for more. Marriage is hard. You need comrades in similar life stages to laugh and cry about it with.

You can't have a best friend who you almost never see or speak to !

Though tbh I find the idea of adults having a best friend a bit creepy !