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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel I don't need friends as much now?

86 replies

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 13:58

Have a husband and two young kids, work from home have own business. I have various friends but literally only about two I seen on anything like a fortnightly or three weekly basis and that us only because we share the same faith. Friends to say hi to on the school run and old friends I see maybe twice a year.

Have just been thinking today that that's enough. I have everything I need! And it's okay to just see people sporadically here and there wirh big gaps in between.

I think the media push this idea of really intense female friendships and I've had those at various points of my life but at 48 I don't and may not have that sort of friendship again. And that is okay!!

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 17:11

Mrs G I completely understand what you are saying. I have loads of people I see every six weeks or so but would like something a bit deeper... so that when something happens you have a friend or two to call and chat to about if that makes sense!! Not sure I have that easy thing where I can call people up. Don't know really maybe it's me because I don't really try to do it enough! You sound as though you are very busy and I also understand the need for peaceful alone time and quiet time wirh your husband.

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BobbinHood · 19/03/2022 17:16

My friends and I all have really busy lives at the moment - small children, some elderly parents, busy jobs - and don’t see or speak to each other that often. But we’re still friends, when we do get to see each other we enjoy ourselves and it never feels like as much time has passed since the last time.

You don’t have to be in each other’s pockets to still be friends, if that’s what you mean. I think that’s a different thing to not needing friends though.

Ponoka7 · 19/03/2022 17:22

"Ps my best friend does live a 4hour drive away! But we don't speak for months on end. Is that normal?"
"Honestly I don’t think this is normal at all."

It can be, but if it isn't enough then try to change it. Men tend to keep friendships and go back to them when the children are older. Women tend to want more contact and let friendships slide, but regret it later.
It's a lot more difficult to make friends as we age, so I'd cultivate the ones you have, as well as trying to get new ones.

stripeyflowers · 19/03/2022 17:24

I would like more friends. I've tried to make friends but it just never seems to work out. There are people we socialise with, as a couple. and I am friendly with them but are not friends in the sense I feel I could confide in them about anything deeply personal. it can be lonely.

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 17:24

Kite22 yes you are right sometimes friends are of a particular time. I don't know if it's a middle class thing but does anyone else feel sort of awkward calling the really good old friends you don't see that often? I would love to have more of a friendship where you could just call but don't want to be q nuisance! Maybe it's me or maybe the friendship is one of those ones that survuves because of those big gaps in between!! I don't know.

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Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 17:26

British thing rather than middle class thing I meant.

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NeedleNoodle3 · 19/03/2022 17:27

You sound happy with things as they are and that’s all that matters.
When my DC were younger I didn’t prioritise my friendships, now I’m early 50’s and my 3 DC are grown up my friends are incredibly important to me and I feel truly blessed to have them in my life.

Kite22 · 19/03/2022 17:29

I'm not sure I agree with it being more difficult as we age, Ponoka.
Easy when you are young, free and single
Difficult to find the time when you are working and have dc to look after.
Becomes easier again once the dc are independent and you have the time to meet for lunch, or you can go out in the evening without arranging a sitter. Often financially easier to be able to just spend money on going somewhere for your own pleasure rather than having to balance budgets as many do with young families.

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 17:30

I think I'm feeling I need more from friendship so need to try harder actually. Stripeyflowers it's hard to put yourself out there but you may find others I your circle who feel the same? I think some people can find friendliness smells of desperation though which is the tricky thing... being friendly but keeping it light and cool! And having something coming up to invite people too!!

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Mary46 · 19/03/2022 17:35

Have few friends. But people juggling more now sick parents kids sport at wends etc. I found Im approach 50 with few friends.. I started walking met up yesterday with one lady. Its isolating though at times

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 19/03/2022 17:35

And your husband dies, or leaves you, and what then? Or you need support when you're older and you realise you forgot to build a network.

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 17:41

Sorry... I think my op wasn't very clear.. I sort of started this thread thinking

My friendships weren't the friendships I was hoping for... old friendships where we meet up twice a year with not much caling etc in between
I was wondering whether the deep friendships I was hoping for were a Hollywood myth when you were in your late 40s
I was wondering therefore to think I don't need friends so much now as I've survived without them for so long

But I've realised I do need them and I need to try harder and be more proactive as they have been very important to me over the years. I don't want to expect anymore from the current people in my life but there is no reason I can't make new and deep friendships now is there?

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dworky · 19/03/2022 17:54

I disagree, I think women always need a friend.

Josette77 · 19/03/2022 18:00

I would be lost without my girlfriends. They are my family. I think friendships are important.

gannett · 19/03/2022 18:08

That media stereotype isn't really what friendship is about to me. Friendships wax and wane in their intensity - sometimes you'll message someone every day for a fortnight, sometimes you'll hang out with them every few days. And then sometimes life shit (someone moves, someone has kids, someone has stuff going on that maxes out their bandwidth, someone is snowed under with work, whatever) means you don't see them or even speak to them for months, maybe years.

Real friendship is when you can pick up after years and it's as if you never left off.

freshgrapefruit · 19/03/2022 18:10

I am similar to you OP. Gradually lost contact with most of my friends as life became busier with marriage and DCs, and then lockdowns. I don't really miss them, I find it a hassle to maintain friendships as I'd rather just spend time with my immediate family. Even when I did have friends, I never found them a source of support as I never felt comfortable sharing my problems with them, I find its easier to talk things over with DH as he knows me so well, he's my soul mate.

I think there is societal pressure to have friends though. Even professionals like my midwife and GP are always quizzing me about friendships as though people can't possibly manage without one, so I end up pretending I still see my friends even if I haven't seen them in years.

Xmasbaby11 · 19/03/2022 18:16

I love my friends and have always wanted and needed them. I can't see this changing. I'm 46, married with 2 young dc and always find time for friends.

I can't imagine feeling as you do and would try to establish stronger friendships. I think they enhance your life so much.

NeedleNoodle3 · 19/03/2022 19:07

OP you can definitely make new friends and some may develop into deeper friendships. A couple of years before I was 40 I realised I had hardly any friends so I hatched a plan to get some and have them at my 40th birthday party. It was operation friend getting for about 8 months! The plan worked and now almost 15 years since getting these friends they’ve become friends for life type of friends.

dinosaurcookie · 19/03/2022 19:33

I also didn't vote. If that suits you then that is what you should do...however I have a wide group of friends who bring benefits that husband/kids/family cannot and I hope/know it is the same for them. You can do whatever feels right for you but just don't get the hump if they are not there if you need them as they would likely have realised that you are keeping your distance and therefore have mentally 'cut you off' also.

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 21:21

I have such mixed feelings about it all.. I think it is partly because I don't have a set 'group' if you like my friends are usually single friends here and there who don't know each other so there is no collective group holding us together. I am grateful for the friends I have but I will see whether I can develop some stronger and deeper friendships where I live now. I have never been an insular person but can see how that happens. I can also sort of see why people who get burned by others decide to keep themselves more to themselves.

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Shrekles20 · 19/03/2022 21:29

I’d love to see more of my friends and meet some new ones but working full time with kids leaves very little time for that anymore. I’m happy enough like you but in my case I wish I had more time for myself and my friends.

Thinkbiglittleone · 19/03/2022 21:35

I have a best friend of 20 years, we both have busy lives, that at times don't have free time together, we are and always will be best friends, I don't need to see her everyday, I know she is there for me as I am for her, whenever at all.

I have other friends, one I speak to most days, some I see monthly when going out, but I prefer nights in on the sofa now, but I know they are there if I change my mind.

OP, if you are genuinely happy with your life, then please don't look around you thinking you need to be the same as others, you don't. Keep those you enjoy speaking to as friends, and open to other offers, but really don't feel you need anything more if you are happy.

Papayamya · 19/03/2022 21:40

OP you say they always plan to meet up etc, do they perhaps think if you don't do the inviting you aren't fussed on seeing them? If you don't want to lose them I'd maybe message and just say how you feel or whatever, nothing to lose.

Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 21:42

Thanks Thinkbig I think sometimes I think I've got best friends and I send them a message or something and they don't reply for a long while and I question whether they are tbh. I think what I have got is this patchwork quilt of friendships and some of the old friendships offer twice a year meet ups but I need more and I think this thread has helped me to see this so thanks everyone. My old friendships will always be important to me I won't get the hump wirh them or cut them off or do anything silly like that I will.simply look to add to the patchwork quilt and find some new material to add to it with, lol. I would like to find some new friends who suit the person I am now and where we can do things together with or without the kids.

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Original poster

Springalingding · 19/03/2022 21:44

Papayamya I do get in touch wirh them but they don't seem to always get back to me.straight away so I don't want to push it.

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