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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling with a situation - Feeling really low

69 replies

MrsDWashington · 19/03/2022 06:31

I have a 13 year old DD (Year 8 high school).

We've had a bit of a bullying situation were my DD was ostracised from her 'friendship group' and one of the girls got quite nasty posting stuff about her on social media etc to the point were one of them sent me a message calling my daughter all these awful names.

Now obviously we have gotten school involved etc and the situation seems to have resolved but these girls are no longer friends. My daughter was feeling pretty low and seeing someone at school for this.

But....I know some of the children in her year through family and friends etc and the general consensus which is being fed back to me is that she is extremely cocky, annoying, she acts like she's really tough, she says nasty things to people, she kicks the boys and tries to play fight with them all.

Now from all this feedback I've obviously spoken to her about being kind, treat people how you want to be treated etc but she's in full denial shes like that.

What do I do now in this situation? As obviously I do not want people to not like my daughter but quite a few people now have said the do not like her.

She is 13 turning 14 in 6 months and socialising at weekends, youth club etc is a big thing for them all and now she is left at home alone as nobody wants to hang around with her.

Its making me extremely sad and worried sick, I said when a few people are saying the same thing, you have to look at your part and if you are doing anything.

She used to have lots of people coming round and now she doesn't. We saw one girl in town and my DD commented on someone, this girl replied by saying see this is why people dont like you.

She isn't listening to my advice though even though I tell her, any advice I give her is because I love her and want her to be happy.

AIBU in thinking the reason her friends fell out with her initially is because she was not being very nice with them?

Its breaking my heart. No one wants to hear that the majority of people don’t like your child.

OP posts:
Cottoncandyycloudss · 19/03/2022 06:43

Is it possible she’s started to act like this since she was bullied?

Hercisback · 19/03/2022 06:44

It sounds like she may be saying some not very nice things. Better to deal with it at 13 than 30.

Keep lines of communication open. Speak to her non judgementally. Ask her what she could do or say differently to keep friends.

It sounds like the feedback from others is pretty consistent. Would it be worth having a chat with school?

Original poster
MrsDWashington · 19/03/2022 06:46

@Cottoncandyycloudss

Is it possible she’s started to act like this since she was bullied?

This is what I'm trying to workout but that friendship group who ostracised her stated they did so because she wasn't being very nice comments etc about them.

Its making me think shes put on a front to fit in with these girls maybe making comments as such (because they are a popular bitchy group) and now they have all turned on her but feedback from others is that shes cocky and nasty.

A quiet group of girls declined her request to walk to school the other day.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDWashington · 19/03/2022 06:48

@Hercisback

It sounds like she may be saying some not very nice things. Better to deal with it at 13 than 30.

Keep lines of communication open. Speak to her non judgementally. Ask her what she could do or say differently to keep friends.

It sounds like the feedback from others is pretty consistent. Would it be worth having a chat with school?

We've been speaking to school anyway because the group she was a part of some of them were posting posts about her on social media (popular group of girls extremely bitchy)

It seems to me shes tried too hard to fit in and become nasty and bitchy herself to the point were now not only her friend group has ostracised her but also everyone else in the year. Sad

OP posts:
wizzler · 19/03/2022 06:48

Might not be feasible now she is a teen but I found it helpful for the Dc to have a different circle of friends away from school... eg a sports or hobby club. Then when relations with kids at school got tricky they had someone else to be with without the drama.
Sounds to me as if your dd may be acting that way as a defence mechanism

GeneLovesJezebel · 19/03/2022 06:54

This is no help to you now, but when they go into the GCSE years they get new friends as they find new people in the new classes.
But she needs to shake off the reputation she’s got before then.
Is there anything she can do at school during dinner, like a club, where she can meet new people and start again ?
Also, I’d try and concentrate on out of school group activities like Guides, gym, etc

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/03/2022 07:24

It sounds like you are dealing with a very difficult situation in a balanced way OP.

Can the school offer some sessions with a counsellor so you daughter can talk openly and get some ideas for relating to people in a differ to way?

As a PP said, if she can be encourage to take up some outside school activities, could she start afresh and build friendships with kids from other schools?

Is there a different school she could move to? I think some counselling to help her improve how she interacts is important, but sometimes a fresh start is what’s needed.

Original poster
MrsDWashington · 19/03/2022 07:31

@GeneLovesJezebel

This is no help to you now, but when they go into the GCSE years they get new friends as they find new people in the new classes. But she needs to shake off the reputation she’s got before then. Is there anything she can do at school during dinner, like a club, where she can meet new people and start again ? Also, I’d try and concentrate on out of school group activities like Guides, gym, etc

This is what I'm worrying about so much. She now has a reputation for not being liked and that is going to be difficult to shake off which is proving to be right even when the quieter girl groups wouldn't let her walk with them.

I am trying to encourage out of school activities but it is proving difficult. Her attitude at home is terrible so if she is speaking to people like that, I'm not surprised they are distancing themselves from her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDWashington · 19/03/2022 07:34

@Luredbyapomegranate

It sounds like you are dealing with a very difficult situation in a balanced way OP.

Can the school offer some sessions with a counsellor so you daughter can talk openly and get some ideas for relating to people in a differ to way?

As a PP said, if she can be encourage to take up some outside school activities, could she start afresh and build friendships with kids from other schools?

Is there a different school she could move to? I think some counselling to help her improve how she interacts is important, but sometimes a fresh start is what’s needed.

I am trying to detach myself as much as possible but I'm finding it very difficult. Its surprising how much your teenagers life ends up affecting you. I dont want no one not to like her and have no friends.

Lots of people used to come to our house. That doesn't happen anymore. Nobody comes.

I am thinking a fresh start, new school, because once you have the reputation that you are nasty and no one likes you, she is going to struggle to find another group which will accept her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDWashington · 19/03/2022 07:36

@Luredbyapomegranate

It sounds like you are dealing with a very difficult situation in a balanced way OP.

Can the school offer some sessions with a counsellor so you daughter can talk openly and get some ideas for relating to people in a differ to way?

As a PP said, if she can be encourage to take up some outside school activities, could she start afresh and build friendships with kids from other schools?

Is there a different school she could move to? I think some counselling to help her improve how she interacts is important, but sometimes a fresh start is what’s needed.

She is already seeing a 'wellbeing coach' at school with regards to how she's feeling but when we have sat down and addressed it with her (well tried) be nice, treat people how you wish to be treated etc it goes in one ear and out the other, said she doesn't care and she isn't listening because we are 'just having a go'.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 19/03/2022 07:38

But if she’s the same at the new school it won’t be any different. It sounds like she needs to see how her behaviour affects other people.
However, if she’s stuck in a cycle because people won’t let her try and change, then a new school might help.

FuckThatBullshit · 19/03/2022 07:40

I don't have or know much about children / teens but if her attitude has been so bad that's she's completely ostracised herself you might need to either move her to a different school or just tell her to accept it and get on with her studies. If she keeps her head down and just gives off a new calm vibe to people they might warm their way back to her eventually. If not she'll have the opportunity to make new friends if she goes to college.

YerWanIsGettinNotions · 19/03/2022 07:40

Did you post about the bullying recently @MrsDWashington ?

It sounds familiar and loads of people suggested the police (because of the messages sent to you) and a change of school.

I think you're right to consider a change of school. Fresh start for all involved.

Original poster
MrsDWashington · 19/03/2022 07:42

@GeneLovesJezebel

But if she’s the same at the new school it won’t be any different. It sounds like she needs to see how her behaviour affects other people. However, if she’s stuck in a cycle because people won’t let her try and change, then a new school might help.

Your exactly right. If she doesn't see a problem with her own behaviour then she isn't going to change and this is were I am stuck.

Because I can see what she can be like at home and like I said previously the general feedback I am getting is that she is really cocky and annoying and now people are saying they dont like her and will not hang out with her, but making her see that when multiple people are saying the same thing we need to look at your part in it, how are you treating others, is proving extremely difficult.

OP posts:
bookofthewitch · 19/03/2022 07:43

Might be totally off the mark but have you considered she could be neuorodivergent,
I only ask because I am on the autism spectrum and it presents very differently in girls.
I too often used to offend people by trying to emulate the funny comments they made but my attempts would often be perceived as rude and I had no idea how to tell when I had upset someone or read a situation wrong, I was so confused and struggled socially for a long time because of it. Another example is I would never apologise because I wouldn't recognise when it was necessary.
I learned the rules and am now seen as a very empathetic adult but high school was very hard!

Original poster
MrsDWashington · 19/03/2022 07:45

@FuckThatBullshit

I don't have or know much about children / teens but if her attitude has been so bad that's she's completely ostracised herself you might need to either move her to a different school or just tell her to accept it and get on with her studies. If she keeps her head down and just gives off a new calm vibe to people they might warm their way back to her eventually. If not she'll have the opportunity to make new friends if she goes to college.

What's happening is, if for example the one girl is in her class who does speak to her, isn't in for any reason, my daughter leaves the class or will not attend it because she 'doesn't speak to anyone else'.

Her behaviour is rapidly going downhill.

OP posts:
TheWildRumpyPumpus · 19/03/2022 07:45

It sounds like there’s something bigger going on behind the scenes that is contributing to her difficulties in relationships with others. Can you spot a time when these things started happening? What’s her relationship like with you and her other parent, any siblings?

Other than the bullying, what’s going on at school?

Original poster
MrsDWashington · 19/03/2022 07:49

@TheWildRumpyPumpus

It sounds like there’s something bigger going on behind the scenes that is contributing to her difficulties in relationships with others. Can you spot a time when these things started happening? What’s her relationship like with you and her other parent, any siblings?

Other than the bullying, what’s going on at school?

I can spot yes when her behaviour started changing was last year (September) when periods started etc.

On my side we have always been extremely close, she is my only child, until recently were she doesn't want anything to do with me. She has a very young sibling on her fathers side,

I did notice at primary school she would 'cling to one person so if someone was her friend she would get very offended if said friend did something with someone else.

This it seems has carried on into high school as like I said she has one girl who she speaks to in most of her classes but if for any reason that person isnt in, she is now refusing to go to class

OP posts:
Momicrone · 19/03/2022 07:59

I really don't think it is fair to put all the blame on your daughter. How cruel of this group of girls to completely ostracise your daughter like that. You would think at least one of them would have the emotional intelligence and empathy to see the good in your daughter despite her more possible difficult personality traits, and give her friendship and support at a difficult time in her life.

trainnane · 19/03/2022 08:01

I would research ADD/ADHD/ASD in girls. Often is masked until puberty and then becomes more obvious.
The timing stacks up. My DD has similar pattern emerging and is being assessed

Original poster
MrsDWashington · 19/03/2022 08:04

@Momicrone

I really don't think it is fair to put all the blame on your daughter. How cruel of this group of girls to completely ostracise your daughter like that. You would think at least one of them would have the emotional intelligence and empathy to see the good in your daughter despite her more possible difficult personality traits, and give her friendship and support at a difficult time in her life.

Yes I thought it was cruel also, in fact I thought it was brutal. Especially when I received a message on my own social media account and they were posting things about her. To me, the crime didn't fit the punishment and for them all to completely ostracise her I thought was unfair.

However, when I am getting feedback from people who are in the same year and who do see what is happening at school her attitude isn't very nice, she can be nasty etc which is making people not like her.

Now whether that is coupled with the fact that this 'popular group' no longer want anything to do with her and now everyone doesn't awell I dont know.

OP posts:
Fat13 · 19/03/2022 08:05

I completely understand why you’re trying to get her to think about her behaviour but I’m not sure it’s the right approach. I think it will put her on the defensive.

A lot of the cocky, tough, play fighting behaviour is an attempt to brazen out low self esteem. I think by trying to boost her self esteem the other behaviours May calm down.

Original poster
MrsDWashington · 19/03/2022 08:11

@Fat13

I completely understand why you’re trying to get her to think about her behaviour but I’m not sure it’s the right approach. I think it will put her on the defensive.

A lot of the cocky, tough, play fighting behaviour is an attempt to brazen out low self esteem. I think by trying to boost her self esteem the other behaviours May calm down.

I understand that as when I've tried to speak to her about it she is extremely defensive says she doesn't care wont listen to any reason how she is coming across to people etc.

Im losing sleep not eating it's affecting my job etc as I am constantly worried.

OP posts:
trainnane · 19/03/2022 08:15

Low self esteem, struggling with friendships etc are all ND flags.
Is she forgetful / disorganised / under achieving?

Original poster
MrsDWashington · 19/03/2022 08:26

@trainnane

Low self esteem, struggling with friendships etc are all ND flags. Is she forgetful / disorganised / under achieving?

No she isn't forgetful or unorganised or under achieving. None of those things. Her recent parents evening was fantastic.

OP posts: