Struggling with a situation - Feeling really low

[MrsDWashington]

I have a 13 year old DD (Year 8 high school).

We've had a bit of a bullying situation were my DD was ostracised from her 'friendship group' and one of the girls got quite nasty posting stuff about her on social media etc to the point were one of them sent me a message calling my daughter all these awful names.

Now obviously we have gotten school involved etc and the situation seems to have resolved but these girls are no longer friends. My daughter was feeling pretty low and seeing someone at school for this.

But....I know some of the children in her year through family and friends etc and the general consensus which is being fed back to me is that she is extremely cocky, annoying, she acts like she's really tough, she says nasty things to people, she kicks the boys and tries to play fight with them all.

Now from all this feedback I've obviously spoken to her about being kind, treat people how you want to be treated etc but she's in full denial shes like that.

What do I do now in this situation? As obviously I do not want people to not like my daughter but quite a few people now have said the do not like her.

She is 13 turning 14 in 6 months and socialising at weekends, youth club etc is a big thing for them all and now she is left at home alone as nobody wants to hang around with her.

Its making me extremely sad and worried sick, I said when a few people are saying the same thing, you have to look at your part and if you are doing anything.

She used to have lots of people coming round and now she doesn't. We saw one girl in town and my DD commented on someone, this girl replied by saying see this is why people dont like you.

She isn't listening to my advice though even though I tell her, any advice I give her is because I love her and want her to be happy.

AIBU in thinking the reason her friends fell out with her initially is because she was not being very nice with them?

Its breaking my heart. No one wants to hear that the majority of people don’t like your child.

I think the trying to fit in but not hitting the right note is key, girls can be bitchy but there’s a line you cross where it becomes not ok and she can’t see where that line is? As PP have said I’d explore the ND possibilities.

@LuaDipa

She knows I'm on her side and have her back because of everything I've done with regards to school and meetings and the social media posts etc.

I've reported and documented everything very quickly.
Ive supported her and told her how much we all love her but I also wanted to explain and guide her that you treat people how you wish to be treated.

Your daughter is getting a great lesson in how you behave effects how people treat you. Bullying is not on, and there might be an element that it is her ‘turn’ to get ostracised. Teenagers are brutal, and although you have have reports from peers of her behaviour it might be that they are seeing things through the eyes of her former friends so every interaction is tainted with ‘she is rude’. Also the other girls won’t want to associate with her as they will fear being the next target. It might be worth asking her teacher for a candid and truthful report rather than the other girls as honestly I can’t imagine anything worse than my own mum investigating me via my peers.
Friendships change over secondary school, and being friendless at 13 does not mean leaving school with no friends, though it might be worth warning her that if she continues the way she is no one will be pals with her, and any friends she will get will drop her toot sweet. I remember this from school with the resident mean girl, she was with the popular crowd but they dropped her like a stone when we left and watching her try and interact with them via social media with no reply’s was pretty amusing.

What are you doing to address her behaviour at home? Does she have consequences?

@Crimeismymiddlename

Your daughter is getting a great lesson in how you behave effects how people treat you. Bullying is not on, and there might be an element that it is her ‘turn’ to get ostracised. Teenagers are brutal, and although you have have reports from peers of her behaviour it might be that they are seeing things through the eyes of her former friends so every interaction is tainted with ‘she is rude’. Also the other girls won’t want to associate with her as they will fear being the next target. It might be worth asking her teacher for a candid and truthful report rather than the other girls as honestly I can’t imagine anything worse than my own mum investigating me via my peers. Friendships change over secondary school, and being friendless at 13 does not mean leaving school with no friends, though it might be worth warning her that if she continues the way she is no one will be pals with her, and any friends she will get will drop her toot sweet. I remember this from school with the resident mean girl, she was with the popular crowd but they dropped her like a stone when we left and watching her try and interact with them via social media with no reply’s was pretty amusing.

It is a lesson yes and shes learning the hard way now as people dont want to be around her.

@baileys6904

What are you doing to address her behaviour at home? Does she have consequences?

Yes she does have consequences. Phone taken for certain amount of time, not allowed out (when she was going out).

I've never raised my hand to her in my life but my friends and family say I'm too soft and not hard enough with my discipline.

Is there a drama club at school? Could she get involved with that? The way drama clubs work it's pretty hard to ostracise someone and it's also pretty hard to dislike them as drama is all about trust and opening up our vulnerabilities, so they would get to see her soft and gentle side as well as any front she put on.

If not at school, a youth theatre locally?

@gingerhills

Is there a drama club at school? Could she get involved with that? The way drama clubs work it's pretty hard to ostracise someone and it's also pretty hard to dislike them as drama is all about trust and opening up our vulnerabilities, so they would get to see her soft and gentle side as well as any front she put on.

If not at school, a youth theatre locally?

Ive tried. I have tried to get her into all-sorts of after school activity but she completely point blank refuses.

For example of the way she gets involved in things she told me this morning suchabody put something on social media, nothing to do with her whatsoever, and she replied a comment something along the lines of your not even close with them!
Absolutely no need to comment or say anything

I think this is a huge lesson for your daughter on that the way you treat people will come back and bite you in the butt. By all means tell her that you love her unconditionally but you don't always love her behaviour. What seems like her being ostricised really is the other girls protecting themselves from her nasty behaviour and isn't that what we tell our kids to do? Stay away from the mean girl? Have nothing to do with her? For the general consensus of kids to feel like this she must be pretty bad.
On the upside, people can change and learn and hopefully she will. It must be very hard as a mother to see it all play out this way but remember, she IS learning. Deep down she knows that a lot of this is caused by her meanesss to people and acting like the big I AM. It is very hard to step away from that persona without losing face so she will pretend she doesn't care. I would imagine she does care, I imagine she cares quite a lot but she is saving face and continuing with the bad behaviour.
At the back of it all she is not a bad kid but she is trying to find her way in the world and I think she may now be realising that this is not the way to go about it. She has some work to do to build bridges but she is still so young that she could be in a completely different situation in 6 months if she can see past the tough girl image and lets her guard down a little. Being left out might hurry that process along.

Nothing to add to the helpful replies you've already had, other than is she still accessing social media? Is she getting anything positive out of it or is it actually making things worse? - is she still continuing to post on there in ways that others are seeing negatively?

If so is it worth considering a break from it?

You need to change the way you communicate with her -

If for example she says ‘give me a lift’ or ‘I want a drink’

Then say ‘did you mean can I have a lift please?’ Or ‘did you mean may I have a drink please?’

Give her the answers - model the behaviour.

I agree that you should remain her biggest supporter and show her unconditional support but, at her age, I would be insisting (as much as I could) on an extra-ciricular activity. This will be seen as a positive on her UCAS application, as much as exam results. Explain this to her.
There must be something she is interested in and choosing a club where boys and girls mix can dilute tense atmospheres as well as encouraging non-emotive conversations together.

Ideas such as drama, chess, orchestra, choir, archaeology etc. or a mixed sex sport if applicable, my DD's were at an all girls school but luckily water-polo was mixed with a boys school.

@tomsellecksloverug

I think this is a huge lesson for your daughter on that the way you treat people will come back and bite you in the butt. By all means tell her that you love her unconditionally but you don't always love her behaviour. What seems like her being ostricised really is the other girls protecting themselves from her nasty behaviour and isn't that what we tell our kids to do? Stay away from the mean girl? Have nothing to do with her? For the general consensus of kids to feel like this she must be pretty bad. On the upside, people can change and learn and hopefully she will. It must be very hard as a mother to see it all play out this way but remember, she IS learning. Deep down she knows that a lot of this is caused by her meanesss to people and acting like the big I AM. It is very hard to step away from that persona without losing face so she will pretend she doesn't care. I would imagine she does care, I imagine she cares quite a lot but she is saving face and continuing with the bad behaviour. At the back of it all she is not a bad kid but she is trying to find her way in the world and I think she may now be realising that this is not the way to go about it. She has some work to do to build bridges but she is still so young that she could be in a completely different situation in 6 months if she can see past the tough girl image and lets her guard down a little. Being left out might hurry that process along.

As much as it breaks my heart, I think you are spot on.

@ThePlantsitter

I disagree. I'm sure the OP's daughter did behave horribly tbh. That doesn't mean she's undeserving of her mum's unconditional affection and that doesn't mean condoning the behaviour. We're all horrible sometimes.

Please re-read my post, I in no way said that OP should withhold love and support, on the contrary. What I disagree with is the whole insincere love bombing, “oh aren’t you wonderful” aspect. I’m sure OPs daughter knows her mum loves her without any ‘love-bombing’ nonsense. If OPs daughter has behaved badly she needs to work out how to change the negative narrative surrounding her by improving her behaviour and rebuilding some of the friendships she values.

Love bombing is not meant to be insincere. When I said lovebombing I didn't mean 'aren't you wonderful' (and I never said that either). It's about finding things that are true and being positive about those things, and trying to spend time together hugging and expressing love in ways that are not dependent on your success (at being nice to your friends eg). It's very clear from this thread the OP loves her daughter very much but as a kid it's easy to feel like a problem as a person if everything is about what you can improve and what you're doing wrong. Just like you wouldn't say 'you'd be very pretty if you just cut your hair/stood up straight' etc all the time because it feels like you're saying 'you're not pretty', telling someone all the time what they could do to have more friends feels like saying 'you have no friends' constantly. It may be true; you don't want it to define you as a person.

I was talking to a mum of one of my daughter’s ex primary classmates and she was telling me about the terrible time her daughter was going through with friends at high school and she just couldn’t understand why. I know exactly why, the girl is mean, and cocky and generally full of herself. The kids put up with it to an extent in primary school because it was quite a small group of girls. Now she is in high school, kids won’t put up with it any more. Her mum can’t see any faults in her “she’s such a lovely, caring girl”

We’ve had to warn my daughter that some of her own traits might cause her some problems and she has to be reminded to wind her neck in sometimes. She’s,12 going on 25 and can play grown up with them sometimes. We have to remind her that it isn’t her place and to be careful not to get too involved with the drama. It’s ok for kids to need their rough edges knocked off a bit when they reach high school. Just talk to your daughter and let her know what you’ve heard. It will be up to her to decide if she wants to change. But it is important to support her and let her know you’re on her side. Whatever reasons she has for not being very nice, they need to be talked about. 13 is a shit age. I wish kids could skip it!

Sorry if I've missed this OP but is she an only child? You seem very close, which is lovely, but can make it hard for her to learn the social rules for teenage girls.
Honestly, it will be a bit of her and a bit of them. The cost to her is greater though.
You can't fix it. Try not to get drawn into the details.
My friend's DD was similar, in that she was immature and bossy at school, tried to be cool and cruel and it backfired. She and excused and indulged at home.
She developed one close friendship in GCSE years. It's resolved itself when she started sixth form - fresh start and maturity.

@Tickledtrout

Sorry if I've missed this OP but is she an only child? You seem very close, which is lovely, but can make it hard for her to learn the social rules for teenage girls. Honestly, it will be a bit of her and a bit of them. The cost to her is greater though. You can't fix it. Try not to get drawn into the details. My friend's DD was similar, in that she was immature and bossy at school, tried to be cool and cruel and it backfired. She and excused and indulged at home. She developed one close friendship in GCSE years. It's resolved itself when she started sixth form - fresh start and maturity.

Yes she is my only child. Young sibling on her Dads side but my only DD.

Sorry if I've missed this OP but is she an only child? You seem very close, which is lovely, but can make it hard for her to learn the social rules for teenage girls.

What rubbish.