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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help keep me company please

84 replies

notntabitmad · 19/03/2022 02:07

Sorry not aibu.

Had a massive bust up. The end final fuck up in Italy

He basically said I was unfit to be a mother. They should take my kids off me. I should be tranquilliser.

I've bpd. I really really struggle with abandonment. He kept saying he was going to go.

Anyway. Ended up him kicking me out of the hotel room at 2.30am. I've managed to get a flight. But it's not till lunchtime. Got a taxi to the airport and the doors are shut till 3.30am anyway! So I'm stuck outside in the freezing cold. Feeling super emotional. And I took diazepam to sleep and now I feel spaced out. And I'm literally on my own in the middle of fucking nowhere.

OP posts:
maddening · 19/03/2022 07:52

I would get a travelodge at the other end and have that sleep, you would be unsafe to drive.

MrsClarkandPercy · 19/03/2022 08:05

Bless you. Don't not panic. WE are all here with you. You aren't in any way alone. We will refuse to leave you!

Diazepam omg - I was given it in my first labour and it was so traumatic for me that I got PTSD!! It will wear off. Then I seriously suggest you never take another one.

How long till BA check in opens?

You need to tell them you're really tired snd scared of missing your flight.

No you can't drive when you get home. Who could come to get you?

Your laptop WILL be got , one way or another, but you can't work now anyhow until you e rested. Do you have a key to Bjorne House?

This man is nothing to do with your kids. He will not get you sectioned or have them taken from you. He is bullying you and actually this is awful emotional abuse.

Where are you now?

Happymum12345 · 19/03/2022 08:08

You will be ok. It sounds to me that you would be stronger without him and I never say things like that. Having someone threaten to leave you when they know that is your main concern is unbelievably cruel. Well done for getting through the night. You have shown how strong you are by doing that. Keep going.

Heronwatcher · 19/03/2022 08:18

Do you have contents insurance? If so you could possibly make a claim on that (if you ask him to bring it for you/ let you take it before the flight) and he refuses he might be judged to have ? Or if you could get a credit card could you get a new one and pay it off in increments? What you don’t want to happen is to go back there and have him pull some shitty emotional blackmail which draws you back in, you miss the flight and you’re back at square 1, or for you to end up in physical danger (I’m absolutely sure he’s dangerous from what you’ve said). If you are determined to get it I would go now, threaten him with getting the police to break the door down if he doesn’t let you in/ give it to you immediately, and then get back to the airport as quickly as possible.

Original poster
notntabitmad · 19/03/2022 08:26

Sorry. My laptop is at his house. In London.

I have left my car there and some work stuff as we went to the airport together.

Last time he blocked my key so I couldn't get in. He can do it remotely. He said he doesn't trust me in his house. I just want my stuff.

I'm so tired. I keep crying. I can't check in yet. It's still over three hours away

Thank you. Your posts are making me cry. He used to hate mumsnet. He never knew what it was but he know I was posting. Said it was unhealthy. But I don't think I could have done this with out you

OP posts:
QuantumHypothesis · 19/03/2022 08:33

Has this happened with him before, as the story sounds familiar?

MrsClarkandPercy · 19/03/2022 08:41

Yes I bet he did hate Mumsnet. How is it unhealthy to feel you have done kind support when you need it? 🤔 um, only if that support gives you feedback that he is awful and you need to be well away from him ... he is just like so many other controlling and abusive partners. He doesn't want anyone to know how he is to you, or tell you he's bad.

It's great you're going home. It's great you're going away from someone mean. You just need to hold on and get to the plane. Is there nobody from BA to talk to?

cafenoirbiscuit · 19/03/2022 08:41

He sounds like a complete arse. I’m glad you’re away from him. I suspect he’s exacerbating your mental health issue. Not long now till you’re back with your babies.

Footle · 19/03/2022 09:05

Can you arrange to meet someone you're close to, shortly after you get back? It might help to calm you down. Also, if Crap Man blocks your access to his flat, does he have a friend who he'd allow into the flat with you while you collect your stuff?

Original poster
notntabitmad · 19/03/2022 09:20

I just wanted to say thank you. I'm through checkin. On the other side now. Forcing myself to eat. I have a few hours here. But going to find a quiet spot and just close my eyes

Yes I've posted a fair bit about him. I'm fairly sure he's a narcissist. He was turning it all on me last night. How I'd pushed him away. I probably have to some extent. But I was in hysterics.

He had a go at me last night because I wasn't feeling well. And I snapped as I was on my phone but it was the restaurant menu qr code. I was looking at the menu.

I'm shattered. I've doubted myself for so long. He made everything my fault. And I believed him when he said I was broken.

I'm still tearful. I cried at the checkin lady. I look a state. But I'm nearer home and my babies. I'm just focusing on hugging them.

Thank you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you all

OP posts:
Original poster
notntabitmad · 19/03/2022 09:40

Sorry. He snapped at me. He had a go at me for being on my phone. When I was looking up the qr code for the menu

My brains fried.

OP posts:
Grrrpredictivetex · 19/03/2022 09:58

@notntabitmad could you ask your exh to help you get your laptop back? I'm sure these bullies back right down when confronted. Or involve the police as withholding your property should be a theft. Hope flight goes well. Safe trip home.

wizzler · 19/03/2022 10:01

Get home . Get your stuff if you can. Hug your kids and then block him out of your life. You will be so much happier without him. Be kind to yourself

LIZS · 19/03/2022 10:06

He is abusive and gaslighting you. Knows which buttons to press to get a reaction, ie insecurities about your mh and children . Do you have your car key ? If he has locked you out, do not panic or engage. Head home, sleep , see your dc and regroup.

TicTac80 · 19/03/2022 10:16

Good god, I’ve only just seen this! You poor thing! I’m so glad that you’ve checked in now and have something to eat. Soon it will be time to board the plane and then you’ll be back home. I’m so sorry (and angry!) that he’s treated you in such a disgusting way. I really hope that you manage to get your stuff without issue and then be in your way. Look after yourself sweetie, and remember that this is a very lucky escape from a nasty steaming turd of man.

Original poster
notntabitmad · 19/03/2022 10:53

Thank you. I'm feeling really shit again. But should be boarding soon.

I've blocked him everywhere. He knows I have to get my stuff. I just hope i can still get in.

My ex would come up to help. But it's a long way and he'd have the kids. I don't want to be upset around them.

He's going to bring them round to see me tomorrow for a few hours so we can have a hug and catch up. I'm not due to have them till Tuesday. Im so glad we get on so well. I don't think I could survive till Tuesday without seeing them.

I feel so drowsy. My heart keeps dropping. I hate that feeling

OP posts:
LIZS · 19/03/2022 10:54

Do you think you are fit to drive? Might it be better to go straight home and reclaim the car tomorrow?

Original poster
notntabitmad · 19/03/2022 11:26

I don't know. Going to see how I am after the flight. It's delayed. I could cry. I just want to go home. Can't get a taxi either from the airport so going to have to hope for Uber

Just remembering all the things he used to say to me. Said I needed to lose weight as I 'wasn't perfect'. He bought me a pair of trainers to weed when j was out with him because mine were too scruffy. I got a coil because he wouldn't handle condoms. Yesterday he had a go st me for not wearing the underwear he'd bought me. He bought me stuff he likes. I feel like a doll being drreesed up. I knew he'd be upset but I was bleeding so didn't want to wear it. He told me to take off my hair bands on my wrist as I looked like a 'pikey'. Honestly. It's so depressing

OP posts:
MrsClarkandPercy · 19/03/2022 13:30

He is a controlling bxstard and you have been subjected to systematic psychological demolition by him. Very good that you're waiting fir a flight away from him, even if it's delayed.

Why can't you get a taxi from the airport?

Many of your emotional challenges may dissolve away once he's gone. He has been kicking you when you were already down. If you feel bad, please go and ask BA to look after you.

You really are ok and on the way home.

Goatlady5812 · 19/03/2022 13:55

Oh op reading this breaks my heart. I’m hoping by now you are safely on your way home - hang in there you’ve been so strong getting this far and you will see your babies soon.

Tereseta · 19/03/2022 14:28

Just focus on getting to your babies for that hug. Tell your ex what happened so he can't twist it later on to him.
Hope your on the flight and getting near home

TicTac80 · 19/03/2022 14:56

He’s a disgusting pig. I hope you never have to have anything to do with him again! Xx

Tomnooktoldmeto · 19/03/2022 14:58

Well done on breaking free, just now you’re feeling pretty awful but we can all see the harm he has caused you, gas lighting bastard

I bet actually you’re a great mum, enjoy your hugs when you get them from your kids because you deserve them and don’t think about what he said, we can all see he is a nasty manipulative individual

Be kind to yourself and perhaps consider the freedom programme that people often mention Flowers

Original poster
notntabitmad · 19/03/2022 15:24

Thank you.

I've landed. Just waiting at baggage reclaim.

I'm shattered. Emotionally. Just feel like I'm going to cry the whole time.

But just want to get out of here. Go home.

Thank you for being there. It meant so much.

I haven't told you the half of what he's done. I started recognising darvo. He would literally use the same words back on me. I feel stupid for letting it go on for so long when I knew how unhappy it was making me.

OP posts:
chilling19 · 19/03/2022 16:02

You have made the first steps to freedom. Well done 👏👏👏