To think it's not hard to plan a cheap celebration at home??

[SausageFox]

Just got off the phone to my friend. She's very upset. I know Mumsnet isn't a huge fan of birthdays, but please consider this more of a "just one nice day dedicated entirely to her" thing, I suppose?

Anyway. Yesterday was her birthday (40th). Her DH did nothing. Just a card. She's incredibly upset and hurt - for his birthday last year, she pulled out all the stops because she knew turning 40 meant something to him and he wanted to celebrate. I remember her nearly running herself into the ground.

That aside, they're on a budget so whatever celebration she had would have to be cheap and at home. Her DH apparently cannot think of ANYTHING he could do at home. Nothing. Not one thing.

We both came up with the below in about 3 mins

Spa day at home
Afternoon tea
Lunch/brunch in the garden (they have a heated gazebo)
Fancy dinner or nibbly buffet
Board games
Olives and wine at the breakfast bar, all dressed up nicely with some good music on

These were just things off the top of our heads. She knows I'm posting, will send her the link. Is it just us? Surely it's not hard to think of a few nice things to do for a loved one and turn it into a sweet little day and evening?

Thankfully she's coming to mine tomorrow for some wine and cheese, so she'll have some fun. 🥂

Yeah that's rubbish, especially since she put so much effort in for his birthday. A lovely cake, some champagne and a thoughtful gift is the minimum I think a 'big' birthday deserves imo.

I should add, he's off work on his jollies so that's not why. He's also away at the weekend fishing with his brother, so definitely nothing planned as a surprise.

That's terrible - I'm not surprised your friend is upset. Real lack of thought, care or consideration on his part.

That's shit.

And yes, when DD treats me, she gets a blanket, my iPad, a nice drink and basically tells me to chill and not move. Even that's better than just a card.

I'd not be impressed with that! But I'm not one of those who think that adults shouldn't be bothered about birthdays or get to enjoy a day entirely about them.

Every birthday is a celebration IMO, and I always make a fuss of the birthday person in our house, and I appreciate the gestures being returned on my birthday too.

🍹🎂💐 for your friend

Glad to see it's not just us. I'm at the beginning of a divorce so I was hoping it wasn't just my current disdain of men tainting my opinion. She really did try so hard last year for him. He looked like a pig in shit, if you'll excuse my crass description - and she didn't even get a cake or a nice dinner.

And that is why I planned my own 40th birthday.

Best to be specific with what you expect to save disappointment! I’m not one for celebrating birthdays, Mother’s Day, valentines etc, but big birthdays are special and deserve to be marked. That’s really shitty and selfish of her husband. Has he form for this?

@MrsTerryPratchett

That's shit.

And yes, when DD treats me, she gets a blanket, my iPad, a nice drink and basically tells me to chill and not move. Even that's better than just a card.

Yes, this! That's exactly it. It's the thoughtful things like this that mean so much. Far better than a card - which I should add wasn't very nice...

"Couples That Fart Together Stay Together" was the cover. Just that writing on a plain background.

@Onehappymam

And that is why I planned my own 40th birthday.

Best to be specific with what you expect to save disappointment! I’m not one for celebrating birthdays, Mother’s Day, valentines etc, but big birthdays are special and deserve to be marked. That’s really shitty and selfish of her husband. Has he form for this?

She is very specific I believe, at least in telling him that she would like a nice meal and an activity. He isn't the best but she's always been pleased in the past because he's at least done something. This year was incredibly unexpected.

If he's away fishing at the weekend I'd be arranging all or most of your list at home with friends and other family! Sod him!

That card would seem contemptuous to me. Unless it's some in joke.

I had a special milestone birthday at a time when we were seriously on our arses money wise. I woke up on my birthday to the house having been cleaned (DH got up earlier then the kids to do it) and when the kids woke up they all brought me breakfast in bed, with a paper crown they’d made and put on me and told me I was Queen for the day, I wasn’t to lift a finger. They ran me a bath (with bubbles courtesy of the baby’s bath wash lol) and left me there with a book I was halfway through to relax. I played games on my laptop which I never had time to do at the time and after DH rubbed my feet while my DD4 brushed my hair. We all made tea together and we danced to loud music in the kitchen. The only ‘gift’ I had was a packet of seeds (£1) because I love gardening and they weren’t sure how to represent that hobby in the day.

It’s still the best, happiest birthday I’ve ever had. All for the price of £1 and my husband using his brain.

I’m sorry your friend wasn’t treated as she should have been (which is essentially what these kind of threads/disappointments come down to) but I’m glad she’s got good mates who will make sure she has a good time to make up for it x Happy 40th OPs mate, enjoy the wine and cheese xx

True @LaLaKickSticks

DD brushing my hair is a special treat here too!

@ChipButtyCurrySauce Yes, we're definitely going to try and have a fun day tomorrow, and I think her sister is popping over on Sunday so she'll certainly be making the most of it!

@MrsTerryPratchett If it's an in joke, she's definitely none the wiser to it. It's utterly bizarre!

He's a knob. Plain and simple. He doesn't care about your friend, and isn't bothered that she wanted to do something for her birthday. His needs are more important.

Not much of a man to be married to. Hope they don't have kids.

Oh Lala how lovely!

OP, some people seriously lack imagination. Or they’re selfish arseholes. Sometimes it’s both. I expect your friend knows which one he is (the fishing trip away etc has told me which category I’d stick him in).

Happy birthday to your friend, I hope you eat all the cheeses 🧀

That's really poor of him. My 40th was in lockdown no1, had moved in with xh temporarily for the dc, and he still managed to do me a cake with 40 candles, got my favourite gin and we had a karaoke night with the kids!

If it's an in joke, she's definitely none the wiser to it. It's utterly bizarre!

Sounds like he's checked out. Maybe she needs to as well. Are we absolutely sure he's fishing?

That's would really piss me off. You can make a card, make cucumber sandwiches, and buy some daffodils for £1 in Sainsbury and that would be enough.

@LaLaKickSticks

I had a special milestone birthday at a time when we were seriously on our arses money wise. I woke up on my birthday to the house having been cleaned (DH got up earlier then the kids to do it) and when the kids woke up they all brought me breakfast in bed, with a paper crown they’d made and put on me and told me I was Queen for the day, I wasn’t to lift a finger. They ran me a bath (with bubbles courtesy of the baby’s bath wash lol) and left me there with a book I was halfway through to relax. I played games on my laptop which I never had time to do at the time and after DH rubbed my feet while my DD4 brushed my hair. We all made tea together and we danced to loud music in the kitchen. The only ‘gift’ I had was a packet of seeds (£1) because I love gardening and they weren’t sure how to represent that hobby in the day.

It’s still the best, happiest birthday I’ve ever had. All for the price of £1 and my husband using his brain.

I’m sorry your friend wasn’t treated as she should have been (which is essentially what these kind of threads/disappointments come down to) but I’m glad she’s got good mates who will make sure she has a good time to make up for it x Happy 40th OPs mate, enjoy the wine and cheese xx

Oh that's absolutely beautiful; brought a tear to my eye! That's a lovely family you have. And you're exactly right - it's the thought, the effort, and the consideration of the person on the receiving end of things that matters the most. This sorry excuse for a man (who has spent his evening sorting out fishing gear apparently!) couldn't even do that.

She'll be spoiled by me tomorrow. She deserves it, she's bloody fabulous.

That's really shitty, it complete lack of caring. Me and husband don't have much money but we always try to make the day special, we order favourite take away, there is always a cake (only a cheap cake) and we sing happy birthday with candles, get a bottle of wine or beers for the night. Usually buy each other flowers and chocolates and a few gifts to open.

@MrsTerryPratchett

If it's an in joke, she's definitely none the wiser to it. It's utterly bizarre!

Sounds like he's checked out. Maybe she needs to as well. Are we absolutely sure he's fishing?

I don't think she'll mind me saying that that is exactly what we're going to have a little chat about tomorrow. Although we've made a rule that if it's too upsetting, she can also pop around Monday and we'll discuss the horrible stuff. Tomorrow is a day to be happy.

Yes, we will have ALL of the cheese! I've already picked up a basket full, going to nip out for baguettes in the morning, and our first pit stop is a glass of fizz in a fancy cafe, then on to Odd Bins to choose some nice reds.

Horrible man.

So turning 40 meant something to him but not enough for him to return the kindness his wife showed him when she turned 40 a year later? YANBU. I’d be disappointed if my partner put in zero effort anyway but even more so if I’d pushed the boat out to the best of my ability for him.

we will have ALL of the cheese

You are an excellent friend.

That is absolutely horrible.
We are saving atm so when I turned 30 we had very little spare cash, but I still woke up to my lovely presents, a day off all to myself with DH doing all the house stuff, and that night we were going to go for dinner but it was a horrible night so we lit the fire and ordered food and had a cosy night in and it was lovely.
That weekend, we went to our friends' house and had a little party.
But this is absolutely crap and your friend is lucky to have you to give her a special day. Hope you both have an amazing time!