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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not hard to plan a cheap celebration at home??

52 replies

SausageFox · 18/03/2022 19:06

Just got off the phone to my friend. She's very upset. I know Mumsnet isn't a huge fan of birthdays, but please consider this more of a "just one nice day dedicated entirely to her" thing, I suppose?

Anyway. Yesterday was her birthday (40th). Her DH did nothing. Just a card. She's incredibly upset and hurt - for his birthday last year, she pulled out all the stops because she knew turning 40 meant something to him and he wanted to celebrate. I remember her nearly running herself into the ground.

That aside, they're on a budget so whatever celebration she had would have to be cheap and at home. Her DH apparently cannot think of ANYTHING he could do at home. Nothing. Not one thing.

We both came up with the below in about 3 mins

Spa day at home
Afternoon tea
Lunch/brunch in the garden (they have a heated gazebo)
Fancy dinner or nibbly buffet
Board games
Olives and wine at the breakfast bar, all dressed up nicely with some good music on

These were just things off the top of our heads. She knows I'm posting, will send her the link. Is it just us? Surely it's not hard to think of a few nice things to do for a loved one and turn it into a sweet little day and evening?

Thankfully she's coming to mine tomorrow for some wine and cheese, so she'll have some fun. 🥂

OP posts:
DoWhatYouLike · 18/03/2022 20:01

I've been married for 41 years, and my husband is lovely - but he's never done anything romantic or as a surprise/treat. For our 40th wedding anniversary, he got me a card. It was during the lockdown, but he didn't get me even a bunch of flowers (we've got 4 major supermarkets less than a mile away). Some men are just like that.

SisterRuth · 18/03/2022 20:04

Christ, that is really sad. It costs bugger all to make some sandwiches, get a Victoria sponge cake, put a cloth on the table & get in a bottle of wine or just make tea in the pot for once! Stick her favourite music on & tell her you love her. It's so easy to make a nice time out of not much. The willingness is all. Thank goodness she's got you, good friend.

Squeezita · 18/03/2022 20:08

Why did she make such effort for him on his 40th? He just have been shit at celebrating his previous birthdays too, I wouldn’t have rewarded his selfish behaviour with a fabulous 40th.

She should any presents she gave him back.

Goldbar · 18/03/2022 20:11

In her place, I'd be planning my own birthdays from now on and he'd be getting a (cheap) card and nothing else.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 18/03/2022 20:14

I mean, we all had to do it during lockdown didn't we? I had two lockdown birthdays and they were really nice - a long walk somewhere special and then a fancy (but v affordable) home cooked dinner and a glass of fizz and cake.

Bitconfusedhmm · 18/03/2022 20:19

What did he have to say for himself?!

Original poster
SausageFox · 18/03/2022 20:22

Reading these comments is so very heartening. I've sent the thread to my friend and she's going to have a look through; she's an absolute star, and I'm not just saying that because she'll read this. It's hard to come across a person who cares as much about other people as she does, I think. I am furious for her. Thank you to everyone who has validated her in this. She's not a Mumsnetter but I've no doubt reading the way women gang together to lift each other up like this will give her a smile.

OP posts:
Original poster
SausageFox · 18/03/2022 20:25

@Bitconfusedhmm

What did he have to say for himself?!
His famous words...... "I don't know"

It's always been a running joke that it's his catchphrase, but honestly. Good lord, it's just getting silly now. In my opinion it's a get out clause. "I don't know why I did/didn't do this".

Well,

A) he does know, just can't be arsed to explain or even care anyway

B) He genuinely is that shit he hasn't considered her feelings

C) He doesn't want to reflect upon himself and his own behaviour, so "I don't know" means he can prance off feeling great.

OP posts:
GetOffTheTableMabel · 18/03/2022 20:28

I really don’t think it’s possible to be accidentally that shit.
It was her 40th birthday. She’s his wife! And he thought a card about farts was all that was required? I really don’t buy it. I’m afraid I think he was being deliberately horrible and deliberately disrespectful. Perhaps he is hoping to provoke the mother of all rows and somehow make this all her fault? Nobody is that stupid.

AngelinaFibres · 18/03/2022 20:41

@MrsTerryPratchett

If it's an in joke, she's definitely none the wiser to it. It's utterly bizarre!

Sounds like he's checked out. Maybe she needs to as well. Are we absolutely sure he's fishing?

I thought all of this too. He doesn't really like his wife does he.
Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 18/03/2022 20:44

That would seriously make me reconsider being married if I'm honest
DH planned nothing for my last birthday and I was so let down ( he hadn't been brilliant the previous few months , so was redemption chance!)
I just made zero effort for his birthday a few months later. When he critised me I was happy to remind him.
Good luck getting birthday BJ ever again, BFs husband!

billy1966 · 18/03/2022 20:50

What an absolute waster she is spending her life with.

When someone shows you who they are....

There is NO WAY he lives her.

You couldn't and behave like that.

The card is vulgar and crass, like him no doubt.

Tell her not to waste her energy being upset with him....he doesn't care.

Tell her stop doing ANYTHING for this man.

Tell her to tell EVERYONE how badly he has behaved.

Tell her to get organised.

Because she is wasting time with him.

She needs to take this as a timely, MASSIVE wake up call.

Tell her not to tip him off at all.

Just do nothing for him and get organised.

Has she children with this waster?

I hope she works.

She has a lovely friend in you.
Flowers

LightSpeeds · 18/03/2022 20:52

He's an ignorant thoughtless arse.

IF she's still with him next year, she should just get him a cheap card.

AngelinaFibres · 18/03/2022 20:52

When it was my 30th my husband did nothing. A group of mum friends arranged to take me out for a meal and had a beautiful cake made especially for me. It was decorated with things that represented me. It was fabulous. My husband just had to come home on time that night to look after our children. He was an hour late because he had been to the pub with work colleagues . A friend had arrived to be my taxi so I could have a drink. It was before mobiles and all that so there was no way to contact him once he had left the office . When he got home he just said "Oh sorry I forgot". Our marriage limped on for 2 more years before he left me for a 17 year old.I was still making excuses for him at this point.Your friend may have an unpleasant surprise coming.

TheChosenTwo · 18/03/2022 20:57

Oh what a sack of shit he has been about what could have been a nice day for your friend Angry
It’s not hard, no. You have managed to list off some really thoughtful and inexpensive ways to celebrate.
Have a lovely evening with her and give her these from me Flowers

Ionlydomassiveones · 18/03/2022 21:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
SausageFox · 18/03/2022 21:08

My friend has been reading this thread, and she's asked me to post the following - I think she should join MN tbh because there's a realm of support here! Anyway:

"Can you write thank you to everyone I'm so surprised by some of the comments, I knew he was selfish but I always think I go so over the top with bdays and Xmas etc that I was expecting too much from him. Its not the first problem we've had but feels like the cherry on top of the cake I didn't get lol. I've got some things to think about that I didn't think I'd ever have to think about because you just trundle along y'know. Love to all you ladies,.am I allowed to say that on mumsnet haha xxx"

OP posts:
Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 18/03/2022 21:11

@SausageFox aw bless her!
Yes! Don't normalise shite behaviour

TolkiensFallow · 18/03/2022 21:19

I call reverse. You’re the friend?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 18/03/2022 21:27

Your friend sounds utterly lovely, and so do you. I'd have eternal loyalty to anyone who got ALL the cheese for me Grin I spent most of my 40th in bed with DP (we don't live together, long story), but we also fitted in a pint, chips, and he gave me something he'd handmade for me.

I think your friend might need a bit of MN viperism so she knows this isn't ok.

LizzieSiddal · 18/03/2022 21:34
Flowers

Is he thoughtless in other areas if your life?

LizzieSiddal · 18/03/2022 21:34

*of

Westfacing · 18/03/2022 21:34

They're on a budget but he's going off on a fishing weekend?

Original poster
SausageFox · 18/03/2022 22:04

@TolkiensFallow

I call reverse. You’re the friend?
No, not at all! Genuine concerned (enraged) friend post. I don't entirely understand this "reverse" thing people post, what on earth is the point of that? And if I was the friend it wouldn't be a reverse either. Hmm

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea that sounds like a glorious birthday! I'm my embittered rage towards the males of the species it's so good to actually hear that decent ones do exist!

She definitely does! I think she'd flourish on MN; I've learned a lot myself about feminism (and I thought I was good!) since I joined. It's such an empowering space.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 18/03/2022 22:12

She needs to join!
And yes she’s got a lot to think about.

What does she think he would say if she asked him why he loves her or what he loves about her?? If his answer is all about what she does for him and nothing specific about her personality and character then I’d be having a very big think about how I wanted the rest of my life to be

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