To just accept I can't improve anything here

[Womanaintafeeling]

I have constant brain fog trying to figure out what is best in this situation and wanted the candour of strangers to give me some clarity.

I am a breadwinner wife with DS7 and DS 4.5. I've gone from a manageable role of 3 days a week to more senior role and 5 days a week. We did this so my husband could switch from a role in BIG consulting to go into teaching. He said it was impacting his mental health and we felt his health had to come first.

The finances just about work now the kids are at school. None of the flexibility or load-sharing promised along with his career move has materialised. I've had 4 days off work this week with the kids having Covid. HE has gone to work because teachers don't take time off during the term. I am going to have to work this weekend...

I am shattered from it all. Shattered from constantly asking him to do things. I put a chart together of what happens when and asked that we divvy up responsibilities e.g school admin.
Shattered from asking for basic level parenting at the end of the day, such as supervising school work, packing school bag, sorting PE kit.
Dishing up some oven food,

He works late and arrives just as the kids are going to bed.

I'm shattered from having to remember school things so my kids don't lose out - trips, special days, book day, money for school fairs.
Highlighting that the burden feels unfair and that I seem to be stuck with lots more responsibility results in name-calling, sulking or him going off to the gym.

After putting together a chart trying to show how much disparity there is in our roles, I've been on strike and just done stuff for me and the kids. Ignored his laundry, footy kits, meal prep, sorting out Sky (only watched by him). He has just been stepping over the chaos of a stinky mess that is the kitchen.

Nothing has changed, he just orders a takeaway to eat in the spare room or goes on Amazon watch-parties with his mates.

My days are spent, finishing work at 2, dealing with school run and children and then logging back into work at 8 and going til midnight.

His weekends are spent on his phone, moaning about the sport on tv and how the kids hassle him to do stuff. After telling him last night, I felt really disrespected, unappreciated and stuck, he said I was just giving him shit and he went to sleep in the spare room.

He has shouted at the kids this week, they are tired, Covid full and grouchy. They get tearful and I could chuck his sorry arse out on to the street.

I feel shattered. I've a chronic medical condition that flares up a lot after poor sleep or lack of physical activity. He simply said I look fine, it's not any worse than it was 5 years ago.

The options I see here are to:
Suck it up and expect it can't change, seek counselling to change how I feel
End the relationship and tough it out as a lone parent - which comes with huge lifestyle issues and to be honest, I'm terrified. No family support, parents are both gone.
Work on a way to help him effin contribute.

Am I just tired and unreasonable, could he have depression or something else? All/any thoughts welcome.

I wonder OP if this was a very long ruse so he wouldn't be disadvantaged in the divorce in his previous highly paid role...

The other thing to consider is whether you can reduce your working week now - say 4 days or a 9 day fortnight. Ask for a 12 month trial make things more equitable?

Thank you for sharing and also thank you for the advice @RandomMess

A 9 day fortnight is likely to be better received as many of the client's people work in this way so I will go for that. I don't why I hadn't thought of this sooner.

Also until the DC are 18 you can utilise unpaid Parental leave which you could use one week a year for additional holiday time with them - worth looking at your company policy on that.

You'd have a better quality of life without him, plus time off when he has to look after his DC.

I also think this could be a possibility so make sure to tell your solicitor that he was determined to reduce his hours and his behaviour deteriorated afterwards.

The courts need to know that it was deliberate on his behalf.

He certainly didn't increase his parenting role.

I saw another solicitor yesterday evening to get an idea of what is/isn't possible. I've seen three for an initial chat now and the situation seems to be not as evenly placed as I expected.

My care-experienced background would quite possibly be used against me. I have no history of poor mental health for 20 years.....I left care at 17 because my foster carers moved overseas.

I have no parents alive who could help provide evidence of family support. DH has his brother, sister and mother.

His career change is likely to be applauded, an educated man sacrificing a highly paid role for compatibility with family life for two young sons.

A financial settlement is likely to leave DH with our home at least until the children are aged 18, with me moving out

I feel utterly sick now. I had this idea, however misguided that the parent taking care of children would have priority over residency.

Teachers do take time off with sick children, that’s why schools have cover supervisors

@Hesma His colleagues do take time off for ill children. It's a big school and I'm told they don't need to get supply teachers in for sick cover.

Can you take a career break from work?

I second @RandomMess advice and take a career break, or at least cut back your hours (like he did) citing all the same reasons. Because you will burn out with all this stress and pressure. It seems so incredibly unfair that he can do all this and YOU are expected to leave home with him claiming resident parent.

Career break or cut hours. Or you will make yourself ill.

How do you currently share finances?

Continue with not doing his washing etc.

His behaviour is outrageous.

I think you taken the hit on the family finances and reduce your earnings to his by working part time.

Short term pain for long term gain. It's clear he won't step up and parent and he has clearly worked it all out to live off you and f all financially or practically.

The current situation where you sweat blood to bring in money and look after the house and children obviously suits him.

Maybe make it slightly uncomfortable.

Downsize? Extend the life of your mortgage?

I’m sorry to read the solicitor update, OP.

However, at least you know where you stand.

So, I agree with others. Play the long game, like he has. Your mental health is suffering, you need to ease up on work.

Downsize the family home and financial responsibilities, so that your income is equal to his.

This will feel awful because you’ll immediately think of your own childhood and you won’t want to deprive your children of the things the extra money can buy.

But those things are not as important as a well, happy mother.

Start making noise about the increased cost of living and the impossible job burden and how you need to look for part-time work and you’ll all need to adjust expectations. That money isn’t as important as time, wouldn’t he agree? Start talking about a smaller house.

In short, start making cynical plans to make your life as manageable as possible for a split where you want and get 50-50 (or more) custody.

The other option is counselling to make him see your side and step up. But he sounds past that, frankly.

The upside is you'll have more time with your dc while they're young. At some

Oops sorry about that. When they're older and more expensive you may want to step up work again.

Thank you all for sane advice.
Thought you might want to know I have taken it on board and not just disappeared down a hole without making changes.

I have discovered a new emotion. Anger. Lots of it.
It's great. Why does having a penis absolve my kids' dad of responsibilities
towards the family.

I have found after school childcare, she is a gem and picks up both DSs from school and stays with them until I get home.
MIL feels DH is getting a rough time because he may well be depressed.
Not sure because he managed to
attend a teaching conference this week
attend 2 gigs in the last week.
He also cancelled my birthday supper to see some mates visiting from Scotland.
Rather social for someone who alleges he is suffering. Maybe I'm being unfair though.

I have planned lots of days out with my boys this autumn, just the three of us and meeting up with other mums and their boys for social visits out.

DS8 is currently being assessed for learning difficulties and DH missed the Ed Psychologist appointment because he made other plans. My fault for not reminding him with a week to go, the night before, on the morning etc.

Ed Psych says DS8 is hypervigilant and anxious, learning will be impacted.
This is all I needed to know.

I've had a calm chat with DH about co-parenting and putting the kids first. No mention of how he has killed our marriage. And what plans will he have in place
for Christmas with his family. I'm not hosting her after all.

I feel a big sense of relief in just not giving a toss about him anymore.
Thank you helping me see that it's time.

I hope you are slowly and steadily getting your ducks in a row to divorce when the time is right for you. When the DC are older and more of the mortgage is paid off.

Do you have enough monthly to buy a 2 bed on a buy to let to rent out that in the future one of you could move into? Remember in the future the divorce could be done as a clean break and the family house sold. Plus the DC will have a bigger say in who they want to live with. That may be lazy Disney Dad but the resentment isn't be killing you.

I am so sorry that you are shackled to a lazy man and it's good your emotionally detaching from him.

KOKO

I do hope you can cut your hours down or do something whereby you’re not running yourself into the ground, and also so that he has less chance of claiming to be main carer. Great to hear things are improving for you and that you’re starting to plan for a d(ick)h(ead) free life.

I had looked at a small 2 bed home for me and the boys last month.
My decision-in-principle was withdrawn for the mortgage.
The broker is suggesting I wait a good six-to-12 months before applying again.

I've decided not to go in to counselling. DH has however. Lord knows why.
There's little to save, I'm past resentment . Just angry at the waste of him.

Currently live near a private uni with high overseas intake. Exploring having a live-in student to help with household finances, the student office seemed keen. They prefer families for single female students so optimistic about money worries reducing.

What an utter shit. You owing HIM spousal income? Ughh get rid of him as fast as possible

No advice sorry because my SIL is exactly like this and I take up the slack for my daughter. He's like an anvil round her neck dragging her down. I wish she could see it and get him to man up or ship out 😪😪😪