To just accept I can't improve anything here

[Womanaintafeeling]

I have constant brain fog trying to figure out what is best in this situation and wanted the candour of strangers to give me some clarity.

I am a breadwinner wife with DS7 and DS 4.5. I've gone from a manageable role of 3 days a week to more senior role and 5 days a week. We did this so my husband could switch from a role in BIG consulting to go into teaching. He said it was impacting his mental health and we felt his health had to come first.

The finances just about work now the kids are at school. None of the flexibility or load-sharing promised along with his career move has materialised. I've had 4 days off work this week with the kids having Covid. HE has gone to work because teachers don't take time off during the term. I am going to have to work this weekend...

I am shattered from it all. Shattered from constantly asking him to do things. I put a chart together of what happens when and asked that we divvy up responsibilities e.g school admin.
Shattered from asking for basic level parenting at the end of the day, such as supervising school work, packing school bag, sorting PE kit.
Dishing up some oven food,

He works late and arrives just as the kids are going to bed.

I'm shattered from having to remember school things so my kids don't lose out - trips, special days, book day, money for school fairs.
Highlighting that the burden feels unfair and that I seem to be stuck with lots more responsibility results in name-calling, sulking or him going off to the gym.

After putting together a chart trying to show how much disparity there is in our roles, I've been on strike and just done stuff for me and the kids. Ignored his laundry, footy kits, meal prep, sorting out Sky (only watched by him). He has just been stepping over the chaos of a stinky mess that is the kitchen.

Nothing has changed, he just orders a takeaway to eat in the spare room or goes on Amazon watch-parties with his mates.

My days are spent, finishing work at 2, dealing with school run and children and then logging back into work at 8 and going til midnight.

His weekends are spent on his phone, moaning about the sport on tv and how the kids hassle him to do stuff. After telling him last night, I felt really disrespected, unappreciated and stuck, he said I was just giving him shit and he went to sleep in the spare room.

He has shouted at the kids this week, they are tired, Covid full and grouchy. They get tearful and I could chuck his sorry arse out on to the street.

I feel shattered. I've a chronic medical condition that flares up a lot after poor sleep or lack of physical activity. He simply said I look fine, it's not any worse than it was 5 years ago.

The options I see here are to:
Suck it up and expect it can't change, seek counselling to change how I feel
End the relationship and tough it out as a lone parent - which comes with huge lifestyle issues and to be honest, I'm terrified. No family support, parents are both gone.
Work on a way to help him effin contribute.

Am I just tired and unreasonable, could he have depression or something else? All/any thoughts welcome.

Get rid. I have no idea how lone parenting can be any worse than this, infact I love it and wouldn't tolerate this shite for so much as one day.

@UniversalAunt
Surprisingly, he did very well in his previous consulting roles. The challenge was the international nature of the work. He missed being away from the children and struggled with the children starting to prefer me over him. (Away late Sun to Fri many weeks) so just not very present.

But now he's not present either, at least for the children.

I told myself last night that I'd stop making any excuses for him. He's doing all this because a. he feels entitled to it and b. he knows I'm terrified of having to make huge changes for the boys.

My boys need a mum who has her shit together and I need to think about what we three need, rather than taking responsibility for fixing our marriage.

He has mentioned before that I would end up oweing him spousal support due to the disparity in our employment incomes.

Shame he doesn’t know much about divorce laws! Spousal support is very rarely awarded. And then it’s only awarded if there’s evidence the main childcarer has disadvantaged their career and earning potential by facilitating the main earner’s career. As he strikes out on all those points, and has a reasonable wage himself as a FT teacher with the expectation of career progression, he hasn’t a snowball’s chance.

Courts will start at 50-50 and go from there depending on custody arrangements around the children etc.

I don't think that's how spousal support works but a good solicitor will. He has chosen to switch to a low paying career and the evidence is there that he did it to free up time for cycling (FFS why is it always cycling with these guys ) and social life, not for childcare.

I am so sorry OP, I went on a school trip with a version of your husband once. He wasn't a very good teacher, by the way. Selfish people rarely are.

I really think you need someone in your corner here. Your 'D'H knows you have these vulnerabilities due to your early experiences and it is awful of him to be weaponising them.

Just because someone says something, doesn't make it true. He likely knows very little about what the outcomes would be post separation. Speak to an expert.

I second the suggestion to see if your work can come up with a counselling phone line. Mine has one via the health insurance plan and there are free ones for the sector too.

I should add, low paying career relative to his previous one. As pp correctly points out, there are management allowances in teaching (although these tend to require epic amounts of work nowadays).

You are doing the right thing OP. He is never going to change because he thinks that childcare , housework and wife work are your job.

I know because I used to be married to a man just like him. He had 101 creative ways of dodging his share of the family work. I waited years for him to change and he never did.

He also told me I needed to take the kids and leave the family home. Then he said he wanted the kids 50:50 as he was such a devoted dad (who never lifted a finger for them).

With legal advice I managed to get him to leave. And I have the kids 100% of the time, because he doesn’t want them. Too much like work.

Also it would affect his time with his new partner. Men like this always move in another women very quickly as they need a new servant.

You need legal advice on the spousal maintenance. Yes you earn more but you will have much greater costs as you have the children to support and childcare to pay.

He will only get it if he can demonstrate need and that you have the means to meet that need.

Your husband is a bullying, Dickensian character and no amount of money would make up for me having to spend a week in his presence. He's a dead weight so cut him out of you and the kids life. Font forget you'll also be entitled to a share of his pension I assume he was accruing during his big consulting years.

Go and see a solicitor and find out where you stand. It doesn’t sound like he’s bringing anything to your life.

As others have mentioned he clearly knows nothing about spousal support other than the fact it's sometimes mentioned on American TV!!

He hasn't damaged his career to facilitate your career whilst raising the children.

Also, please don't worry about leaving the family home- we moved a lot when I was younger and it was an adventure each time. I actually find it strange that people value having a single house to grow up in (not in a judgy way, just it's so far from my experience-i think I had lived in 8 different houses by the time I was 15 and my 5 year olds are on to their 2nd house which won't be our final house)!

Moving home can be an exciting adventure, and when you don't have all your husband's shit to deal with you'll feel so much better, the house will stay tidier and you won't feel that resentment inside of you which will be freeing in itself!

Good luck OP.

Spousal support?!!!

LTB.

Of course you need to see a solicitor for proper advice. But this is a threat! He actually thinks he can scare you into remaining as his slave!

Is he generally a bully? Has he always been like this?

Already your 7 year old boy realises he has got a shit dad who is making him anxious.

Please make him leave. Everything else can get sorted without this millstone round your neck.

Law Society quick search by area & specialism (e.g. family law)

He really sounds like a charmer…by his very own words

You leave family home.
Spousal support for him.
He does as much parenting, child care & domestic hefting as you.
You need to exercise to be better.
He plays upon your insecurities from a challenged childhood.
He is resentful of your higher income even though he is a well paid teaching professional & left a high income consultancy post.

Already I don’t like him 😉

He is openly exploiting you, your kindness & need for love & security.
He disrespecting & hurting you in plain sight.

Speak with a specialist family law solicitor.
In no time, you will know what the legal situation is about the family home & what the financial situation is.

Divorces are now firmly heading into the default of no fault & clean financial break.

While you can, MNetter mantra, gather information about your individual incomes, bank accounts, credit cards, investments, pensions etc. copy & store online/away from home.

@Womanaintafeeling make sure that you check out if there are any benefits/council tax discounts you could claim as a single resident or on reduced household income.

www.turn2us.org.uk/

Also, if the financial margins are a bit squeezed, consider releasing a bedroom/renting out a room to someone who needs a home office space during the day M-F or a mature student lodger. This may be tax free so that is cash into your bank account. You have an unused parking space ? Rent it out.

LTB

But first collect all the finance stuff together and speak to a solicitor.

Your family unit of you & your children will still be a unit, whichever house you live in.

You deserve to be happy.

How are you doing OP? I've been thinking of you and hoping you've been able to make some progress towards a happier life. You're clearly lovely and deserve much better for you and your DC.

Thank you so much to all of you who posted. It really helped rev me up about getting things straight.

In the Spring, I took me and the kids away on a costal trip in Devon. They loved it, loved the caravan, loved being on a cold beach. There was no cloud looming over us and I came back feeling 2 stone lighter.

I came back and DH had changed a bit. I look back and believe it was to reel us back in again to his affections. He didn't call once whilst we were away and the kids didn't really notice his lack of presence.
Took on a bit of the load in the kitchen and school things. It lasted about 4 weeks.

I've been to see two solicitors. The advice from both is that he could make a very good case for being the resident parent given his role in teaching, availability in school hols, being the lower earner in the relationship. No spousal support but I should expect to be the one to leave the home.
And I can't leave my boys to live with him all week.

I've made an appointment with a family mediator to see if they can offer any advice as to family arrangements.

"The advice from both is that he could make a very good case for being the resident parent..."

Surely that implies that he would have to actually be the resident parent. But from your posts it doesn't sound as if he's up for doing most of the parenting. It would be agony for you if you left him with the DCs but it probably wouldn't be long before he decided a split that meant you had them more/most of the time would be 'better'.

I guess you go for 50:50, you each pay your own childcare.

That way he would have to share the load more or admit you were primary/resident parent. After all you won't give up more than 50% of weekends and would want 4-5 weeks school holidays too as the DC need quality time with you when they aren't at school.

You can divorce whilst living under the same room there doesn't have to be either one of you move out as such.

I'm glad you've had some advice even if it's not exactly what you wanted to hear.

You mentioned you've had an illness for a few years. Perhaps you need to think about cutting back your hours. At least for a while. I know. None of its ideal. But you may have to be creative.

Good advice from @RandomMess, this is a lazybselfish man that doesn't give a shit about you all, so box clever.

Make a list of everything you do and what he does.

Act very happy to share 50/50.......he wont want that.

You will have to use a poker face.

I was married to a stressed teacher for 22 years, while working part time, he got promotion= more stress, so I went full time so he could step down and be a classroom teacher again. He did bugger all in the house, was not good with money, moaned all the time about his health, his stress, our children! The last straw was when he had an affair, so even less attention given to our children. I divorced him and life was so much easier without him!

I also thought the job would have some transferable skills for parenting. He has had 2 excellent appraisals but he is also taking on more responsibility, the SLT like him immensely.

Yeah well it's easier to impress SLT when you've got a wife at home doing all the domestic stuff so that you can stay late and focus on looking impressive . He won't find it so easy to do that as resident parent - do you really think he'd want to be?

Sunk costs fallacy. Don't stay with him because you think it's unfair that he'll get a bigger share of the assets than he deserves. Scratch it up to life, move out, move on and move up. You're a hard worker and a doer, you'll manage and be happier. But you won't get the time back if you sink more years into him.

He's not going to want to be RP and at most is going to argue for 50/50 to get a better financial deal, which will probably soon revert to being an EOW arrangement with the odd midweek evening.