To just accept I can't improve anything here

[Womanaintafeeling]

I have constant brain fog trying to figure out what is best in this situation and wanted the candour of strangers to give me some clarity.

I am a breadwinner wife with DS7 and DS 4.5. I've gone from a manageable role of 3 days a week to more senior role and 5 days a week. We did this so my husband could switch from a role in BIG consulting to go into teaching. He said it was impacting his mental health and we felt his health had to come first.

The finances just about work now the kids are at school. None of the flexibility or load-sharing promised along with his career move has materialised. I've had 4 days off work this week with the kids having Covid. HE has gone to work because teachers don't take time off during the term. I am going to have to work this weekend...

I am shattered from it all. Shattered from constantly asking him to do things. I put a chart together of what happens when and asked that we divvy up responsibilities e.g school admin.
Shattered from asking for basic level parenting at the end of the day, such as supervising school work, packing school bag, sorting PE kit.
Dishing up some oven food,

He works late and arrives just as the kids are going to bed.

I'm shattered from having to remember school things so my kids don't lose out - trips, special days, book day, money for school fairs.
Highlighting that the burden feels unfair and that I seem to be stuck with lots more responsibility results in name-calling, sulking or him going off to the gym.

After putting together a chart trying to show how much disparity there is in our roles, I've been on strike and just done stuff for me and the kids. Ignored his laundry, footy kits, meal prep, sorting out Sky (only watched by him). He has just been stepping over the chaos of a stinky mess that is the kitchen.

Nothing has changed, he just orders a takeaway to eat in the spare room or goes on Amazon watch-parties with his mates.

My days are spent, finishing work at 2, dealing with school run and children and then logging back into work at 8 and going til midnight.

His weekends are spent on his phone, moaning about the sport on tv and how the kids hassle him to do stuff. After telling him last night, I felt really disrespected, unappreciated and stuck, he said I was just giving him shit and he went to sleep in the spare room.

He has shouted at the kids this week, they are tired, Covid full and grouchy. They get tearful and I could chuck his sorry arse out on to the street.

I feel shattered. I've a chronic medical condition that flares up a lot after poor sleep or lack of physical activity. He simply said I look fine, it's not any worse than it was 5 years ago.

The options I see here are to:
Suck it up and expect it can't change, seek counselling to change how I feel
End the relationship and tough it out as a lone parent - which comes with huge lifestyle issues and to be honest, I'm terrified. No family support, parents are both gone.
Work on a way to help him effin contribute.

Am I just tired and unreasonable, could he have depression or something else? All/any thoughts welcome.

It is literally laughable that he thought teaching would help with his work life balance. He’s going to be full on with work during term times at least.

Regardless of how time consuming teaching is (and I know, I’m a primary teacher whose DH luckily takes the parenting lead during the working week), he’s being an immature arse. I’d say your issue is more about his attitude than anything else.

I would really resent paying a childminder when my DH was a TEACHER

I'm CONSTANTLY in a battle with DH about doing things ( I was sick last week so he "watched" the baby for a small amount each day - but he would literally WATCH him. No housework done, no dinner on,no shopping )
If you're writing lists and he's still not doing it- what's the point of him? Can he not hack this job either?
Maybe ask him to stay else where for a few weeks - yes, your home life will be tiring , but I can vouch for this: it's far less galling to do it all when there another's adult in the house who's capable, but not doing it.
Although he might see it as a nice little holiday.

He's backed himself into a corner when he's not pulling his weight either financially or with the house/childcare. This makes it easier for you in a way as it will be much more straightforward to dump him.

What's your financial situation like? If you go it alone, could you afford to drop a day so you have more time with the DC? Even if it meant selling the house and getting somewhere smaller. What family support do you have available to you?

Tbh, I'm not sure I could continue to live with and have a relationship with someone who had treated me in this way, so I think the decision would have been made for me.

Can you look at rejigging the finances at all to enable you to do a bit less work time? Or does the role necessitate 5 days per week?

I can imagine just losing all respect for him though. What does he do with all this free time eg when he comes home from work and doesn't put the kids to bed? Is he actually working late or just faffing around as he knows home is more "work"?

I'd maybe have an appointment with a solicitor to see if him being the "main parent" due to his "easy job" (ha ) would enable him to stay in the house. I don't think it would but it might help you feel more in control if you knew what the outcome would be.

Single parenting isn't as hard as it might seem - having even EOW completely to yourself (which it sounds like is more parenting than he currently does) and not feeling resentful that you're dragging someone along with you who is doing nothing. Also not having to do stuff for him - no meals, no laundry etc. actually takes a massive burden off. Having only one adult in the house does hugely reduce the amount of work.

Sorry, I've just seen no family support . That will make it tougher but you still might find that your wellbeing hugely improves when you're not living with someone who is treating you with such disrespect.

I’m a single parent working FT with no support yet my life sounds a hell of a lot easier than yours does right now.

Obviously you’re going to take a hit financially but it sounds like you earn quite well so that part wouldn’t worry me.

And as he is now a teacher he can have them EOW and school holidays. And you can have them on the weekends during the holidays.
He may be able to get away with being a Disney dad EOW but having them for a week straight means he’ll actually have to pull his finger out and do stuff.

I would not put up with this and I’d be making plans to leave.

See a solicitor - you can't plan anything if you don't know who will get the house, kids or pay maintenance. As the highest earner you could be paying him!

Find out the facts.
And get paid help - what can you afford - nanny, cleaner who cooks DCs tea?, housekeeper? Do you need to downsize to be able to afford help.
He sounds a rubbish father.

My friend whose dh is a teacher finds term time tough. All child illness etc is on her and he works at weekends.
BUT
in all the holidays including half terms she doesn’t raise as much as a finger to think about childcare. This is invaluable. If her dh wants a few days to himself he organises a holiday camp but mostly he reconnects with the dc.
Your dh is utterly out of order with his abdication of parental responsibility.

I've got a Disney dad EOW ex, he does the bare minimum, practically and financially. But it's so much easier for me. EOW to do as I please and no grumpy, entitled man messing the place up and expecting me to cater for his every whim.
Don't move out, get legal advice. Definitely don't live with this shit situation a moment longer then you have to.

My dad was also a teacher, I remember him marking books at the table whilst my mum worked evenings, we also did family stuff at the weekends. If dad could do this why can't your husband, it sounds as if he only cares about number one.
If you left him you'd actually have less to do as you wouldn't be clearing up after him. If strike doesn't work you need to make a firm decision on your future and no-one else can make it for you

I'd have it out with him. 'you're a lazy f"*ker & need to pull your weight or I'm kicking you out'. Especially as your 7 yr old is anxious because daddy is a useless fuck. 🥺

Was he like this before moving into teaching?

He needs to go, the only things he brings to your marriage are stress & inequality.
He can't even watch his DS do his homework, & he is a teacher.

Why does he believe it's his sole decision if you can stay in the house? You need to talk to a lawyer. But you need to get rid of this lazy loser. Your life will be a lot less stressful if you don't have another adult in the home who should be sharing the load, but is actually adding to it.

‘he is adamant that I would need to leave the family home....’

Hah!

He is a deluded lazy fuckwit.
He has completely tuned you all out.
He has checked out of your relationship, parenting & family life.

Sounds like you are the one who is exhausted, depleted, demoralised & becoming depressed.

I doubt that either of you are happy with this situation.
This is cannot carry on as you are both marching off in different directions & the children are already affected.

Bit of a well worn record this: Go get advice from a CAB or family law specialist about what happens when a couple in your situation splits up. Here’s a hint: he leaves, you stay with children in family home.

If he thinks that he can drive you to the point where you pack up & go to save your sanity or protect the children from your marital disputes, he is very mistaken.

Get wised up about things will work out if you split up : house, benefits etc.

That information in place, take a deep breath.

Do you want to be with him?
Do you love him enough to try to work together ?

If so, book into Relate for couple therapy.
There is a chance that you can work together to make the relationship work. If that doesn’t pan out, then you are more likely to have a better split if you both come to the decision together.

But to be honest, if he is stepping around the grist & grime of domestic life left undone, then he has already checked out. He is a lodger.

As a pp said, your dh is a useless and a self centred arse who will continue to be so when you divorce him, so prepare yourself for that. It will all be your fault and he will be the hapless victim who did nothing wrong. Lazy entitled people are horrible, I am sorry you have to live with one (for the moment). Just channel your energy into practising for single parenthood, pretend he isn't there, plan how to separate your finances till you're ready to leave, and focus on training the kids to be helpful and responsible people. He won't change and will continue to do f all.

‘ weaponised incompetence’ - beautifully put.

He’s improved his mental health by dumping on you and neglecting his children.

Selfish in the extreme. Being a spouse and a parent doesn’t work like that.

Honestly, he sounds very unattractive, very selfish, a burden. His presence seems more harmful than beneficial, from what you’ve posted.

I think you’re in this situation because of your own fears and worries. Which I’m sure your spouse would know about. Which, unfortunately, means that he’s knowingly doing this to you. A hundred times worse.

So sorry OP.

@Womanaintafeeling, to answer your points.

Suck it up and expect it can't change, seek counselling to change how I feel.
nope, not at all, this is death by a thousand cuts

End the relationship and tough it out as a lone parent - which comes with huge lifestyle issues and to be honest, I'm terrified. No family support, parents are both gone.

Understandably a leap into the unknown, but you are wiser, stronger & more resilient than you may feel at this time because you are being drained by #1VampireLodger feeding off your hard work & goodwill.

Work on a way to help him effin contribute.
You cannot make him do what he has decided not to do.

What is this thing you say about ‘help him to effin’ contribute’ ???
Why is it for you to help him to do the blindingly obvious, to do the right thing by his spouse, children, his family?

I am digging here because it seems to me that he has twice chosen professional roles that are intensely intellectually & physically demanding, & also require a robust amount of teamwork, emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills, & sharp time management.

From what you have said, he is not blessed with these attributes so may be struggling badly. Is this a conversation you can have as a couple?
Has he withdrawn to manage his MH, his sense of inadequacy or is he just plain horrid to live with?

Have you had to work round this shortfall in the past? Tiptoe round him dealing with his inability or reluctance to be realistic? Can you face this as your future together?

As I said before, neither of you are happy, & likely both of you are starting to struggle with your wellbeing & MH.

First & foremost, you must put yourself first. Your children will benefit from you being happier & healthier.

OP please go see a solicitor and get the information you need to help you make your decision. You may well be told that you would be entitled to stay in the house, and if not, then you need to look at your salary, and start working out what you want for you and your children, but please don't stay in this awful situation for one second longer, call that solicitor TOMORROW!

Solicitor ASAP. More than one by choice so you can find one to really fight your corner.

Then I think you need to give some thought to different scenarios.

1. EOW + 1 night for him
2. 50/50

And how they might work for you.

You might want to start looking for somewhere else to live to remove the power of that threat.

Assume the house will be sold. Find peace with that.

Get all the financials together.
Divorce him for unreasonable behavior.

But in reality no one cares why. The divorce is about making the future work for 2 households.

Oh yes don't forget to show all the bills for the camps, after school care etc so he doesn't get to claim he does more off the child care.

All I can say it's much easy to do it alone than with a mean cunt.

@Womanaintafeeling just re-reading & realised that I didn’t pick up on your experiences of being in care. This may underscore your insecurity & uncertainty about going it alone as a lone parent, but that does not mean that you cannot make it happen.

I go back to my questions about why you are ‘helping’ him so much as your expense?

Your experience of care does not make you less. You deserve the best for yourself & your children, & you do not have to set the bar low for you to have a good life. What care may have done is set your perception of threat & uncertainty that bit higher & this is understandable.

You are not that child or young person when you were in care. You have grown, matured & function well, you have a family & good career. But you may need some support to undertake some change around your home & security of family life.

That you are so tired & depleted is too much for you, & with your uncertainty about undertaking a step change, you might consider having a chat with your GP about your general health & situation. If you are offered counselling, you might find that useful, but there is a glitch that NHS wait lists are full.

So I wonder, does your employer offer an Employee Assistance Programme (EAP)? Such a scheme may offer legal advice & some short form counselling, & this would be a quicker service than an NHS wait list. It may be enough for you to have a few sessions to talk through your concerns .

What is disappointing & hurtful to read is that your DH is not just ignoring your reasonable concerns & distress, he is minimising the potential impact on your MH & wellbeing. You deserve better than what he has to offer you.

Could his head have been turned by a staff member at school?

Thank you all of you for reading and posting. I really appreciate it.
I was in bed early last night with the boys being poorly.

I'm going to get the computer out later and start to look for a solicitor, trying to arrange a Zoom chat this week would be good.

@Phineyj you mentioned earlier to watch out for the school trips and YES, DH is away on a school trip with his Year 9s in May.

He has gone out on his bike for a couple of hours now and honestly, I feel a sense of relief.

@girlmom21
I have tried to discuss that I'm feeling very tired but utterly swamped and we really need to work as a team with the kids. His response is that I need to make time for swimming or a run. To which I say, he's right but we need to make sure he can be with the children on an evening or weekend morning so I can do that. I've explained I don't feel safe going out for a run in the dark at 9pm although he might.

We then end up with really circular arguments and I end up feeling worse that I've proposed something very reasonable and am not getting anywhere.

@Goldbar Thank you. I need a clear afternoon to sit down and work out money. I think I can cover the day to day bills at home but need to work out exactly how it would work if we sell the home.

He has mentioned before that I would end up oweing him spousal support due to the disparity in our employment incomes.