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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my mum to have my daughter to stay overnight when she is exhausted?

63 replies

Advice2020 · 18/03/2022 10:54

Long story short. For the first 4.5 years of DD's life we lived fairly far away from family. 6 months ago, we moved to within 15 mins drive of my mum and stepdad. My mum semi regularly offers to have DD to stay the night. Sometimes DD wants to go, sometimes she doesn't and sometimes we have other things on which prevents it happening. My mum has often said to me she feels like she missed out on a lot of DD's life due to the pandemic, despite us regularly using Zoom, WhatsApp etc to update all grandparents on what was going on in DD's life. Now we are living closer to family, it is nice to give them the opportunity to become involved and we trust them implicitly.

Recently we have all been on a family holiday together and we all spent 4 days together which was fantastic but DD is still exhausted from the holiday which involved a lot of walking, being out of routine and a very late night flight home.

This weekend my mum offered to have DD to stay overnight. Despite the fact that we have other family coming to visit and DD has a birthday party on Saturday and swimming lesson on Sunday (after which she is always extremely tired), I agreed.

This morning when dropping DD off at nursery, she was so tired she was in tears which prompted me to call my mum and tell her I didn't think a sleepover this weekend would work any more, DD needs time to rest and catch up on sleep. My mum essentially told me I am too protective of DD, she should just let her come and stay and so be it if she's tired. She said DH and I deserve a break and some time to ourselves. I suggested that my mum comes and babysits at our house which means myself and DH can go out for a meal, but that didn't cut it.

Am I being unreasonable to cancel the sleepover?

OP posts:
Ozanj · 18/03/2022 10:55

Of course you are being unreasonable. But she’s your daughter. You can do whatever you want.

Walton45123 · 18/03/2022 10:56

Why don’t you just ask your daughter what she’d like to do this evening?

implantreplace · 18/03/2022 10:57

How recently was the holiday?

ReadyToMoveIt · 18/03/2022 10:57

Does your mum keep her up too late? Just wondering why she’s less likely to get enough sleep there than she is if she stays at home?

implantreplace · 18/03/2022 10:58

* Long story short*

More like

Short story long

You don’t want your DD to stay

Fair enough. So say so

BlingLoving · 18/03/2022 10:58

If you trust your mum implicitly, can you not ask her to make sure DD gets to bed at a decent time?

MorningSicknessIsHell · 18/03/2022 10:59

I don't think you're being unreasonable tbh. But you're very lucky to have hands on grandparents, mine have never offered to watch their DGC.

Would she complain if your DD was tired and grumpy the whole time and they didn't have fun? Would she say "why did you let her come when she's so tired?!" Etc. If not maybe let her go... but I don't think you're unreasonable if you decide to keep her at home with you.

ScatteredMama82 · 18/03/2022 11:00

I would cancel OP. When they are so tired like that, all they want is their own space and their own bed. I'd feel the same as you.

Singlebutmarried · 18/03/2022 11:01

If we’d stopped sleepovers with Nan every time the child was tired there’d have been no sleepovers.

Chances are she’ll be fine by the time she comes home.

When is the sleepover, if question if it were worth it with the plans you have for the weekend rather than positioning it as x it too tired.

My convo would have gone

Me: DM I’d totallly forgotten that uncle billy and tribe are visiting tomorrow, and DD has a party to go to too. So how about we rearrange for next weekend when it’s less hectic and you can actually spend some time with her.

ButEmilylovedhim · 18/03/2022 11:02

YANBU You know your child. If she’s tired, she’s tired. I did stuff with my children when they were obviously at the end of their rope because of others’ expectations - it was always a disaster! Granny can have her for a sleepover, next weekend, for example. Your DD needs to get over the holiday and be alright for school on Monday. I’m guessing she’s about 5? Still little. Stand firm OP I would. Not fun with frosty mothers though [eye roll] So over that.

ScatteredMama82 · 18/03/2022 11:03

@implantreplace

* Long story short*

More like

Short story long

You don’t want your DD to stay

Fair enough. So say so

Projecting much?
implantreplace · 18/03/2022 11:05

But that’s the king and short of it

She doesn’t want her DD to stay!

Not necessarily in al case

But in this case

And that is completely her prerogative as her mother

Lou98 · 18/03/2022 11:06

To be honest, I think saying you don't want her staying was fair enough - until you then said that she could babysit in your house while you and your Husband go for dinner. If she's too tired to go to your Mum's why is she not too tired to have your Mum come to yours?

I would ask your Daughter what she wants to do personally. If she still wants to go to her Gran's then I would just say to your mum that she's to be in bed by 'x' time as she has a party the next day and you don't want her to be shattered.
Whenever I stayed at my Grandparent's it wasn't the same as a sleepover with friends where we were up all night taking and playing games, they still made sure I went to bed at a decent time etc.

If your Daughter doesn't want to go then I would just have explained that as she has a busy weekend she would rather stay at home

Original poster
Advice2020 · 18/03/2022 11:06

implantreplace the holiday was exactly 1 week ago

OP posts:
Lou98 · 18/03/2022 11:07

Talking*

implantreplace · 18/03/2022 11:09

4 day holiday
8 days
I think a bit tension to mention the holiday tiredness

Just say - would be lovely but I think best we postpone as she seems tired and just needs an early night and a quiet one with mum and dad

implantreplace · 18/03/2022 11:09

8 days AGO I meant to say

implantreplace · 18/03/2022 11:09

A bit tenuous!! Not tension 🙄

User280905 · 18/03/2022 11:11

If you don't want her to go then she doesn't go.

But her needing to rest seems like quite a weak excuse. Surely she can rest there too?

Does dd want to go?

Original poster
Advice2020 · 18/03/2022 11:13

Lou98, the reason I suggested my mum babysitting at our house instead is because DD sleeps far better in her own bed

OP posts:
DarleneSnell · 18/03/2022 11:13

Well personally as sleepover offers are exceedingly rare I would shove her out the door regardless at age 5 Grin

I think on your shoes I'd ask DD, and make a call based on her reaction. She might be up for it.

SlashBeef · 18/03/2022 11:14

I find it a bit odd that this kid is permanently exhausted and in tears over it Confused 8 days after a holiday we would be fully back to the normal routine and totally fine. It does just sound like you don't want her to stay at your mums. Is there any reason behind this?

Yika · 18/03/2022 11:15

I think you are right, rest and recovery would come first for me, there will be plenty of other (better) times.

Nice of your DM to offer you a break and want to be involved but … another day!

Babadook76 · 18/03/2022 11:18

If you don’t want her to stay that’s fine, but just say so. As your reasons are just daft excuses really. A short break a week ago, a birthday party one day and an (hour?) swimming lesson the next are not reasons to ban her staying at her nans. Could you not just tell her to take it easy if you’re worried about her getting tired? They can have a movie night and an early night or something. It’s like you’re going out of your way to think of reasons why she can’t go

Original poster
Advice2020 · 18/03/2022 11:18

SlashBeef DD does have a muscular condition that means it takes far more effort for her to do any sort of physical activity and therefore makes her generally more tired than other kids of the same age.

OP posts:
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