To not allow my mum to have my daughter to stay overnight when she is exhausted?

[Advice2020]

Long story short. For the first 4.5 years of DD's life we lived fairly far away from family. 6 months ago, we moved to within 15 mins drive of my mum and stepdad. My mum semi regularly offers to have DD to stay the night. Sometimes DD wants to go, sometimes she doesn't and sometimes we have other things on which prevents it happening. My mum has often said to me she feels like she missed out on a lot of DD's life due to the pandemic, despite us regularly using Zoom, WhatsApp etc to update all grandparents on what was going on in DD's life. Now we are living closer to family, it is nice to give them the opportunity to become involved and we trust them implicitly.

Recently we have all been on a family holiday together and we all spent 4 days together which was fantastic but DD is still exhausted from the holiday which involved a lot of walking, being out of routine and a very late night flight home.

This weekend my mum offered to have DD to stay overnight. Despite the fact that we have other family coming to visit and DD has a birthday party on Saturday and swimming lesson on Sunday (after which she is always extremely tired), I agreed.

This morning when dropping DD off at nursery, she was so tired she was in tears which prompted me to call my mum and tell her I didn't think a sleepover this weekend would work any more, DD needs time to rest and catch up on sleep. My mum essentially told me I am too protective of DD, she should just let her come and stay and so be it if she's tired. She said DH and I deserve a break and some time to ourselves. I suggested that my mum comes and babysits at our house which means myself and DH can go out for a meal, but that didn't cut it.

Am I being unreasonable to cancel the sleepover?

She's your daughter so it's your call. If it was my mother the alarm bells would be ringing loudly and the red flags flying high around the "you need time for yourselves" comment. This is about your daughters needs and wants, not yourothers.

I'm in absolute agreement with @scatteredmama82. Children sleep much better in their own bed in their own homes, and whilst it's fine to have a break, if you don't want one, and your child is shattered then you're doing exactly the right thing keeping her at home. No excuses are needed, she's your daughter so if you feel she needs to be stay put that's what happens, no discussion needed.

@Advice2020

SlashBeef DD does have a muscular condition that means it takes far more effort for her to do any sort of physical activity and therefore makes her generally more tired than other kids of the same age.

Well that would have perhaps been as relevant as the holiday in your OP.

Children sleep much better in their own bed in their own homes

That may be true for some children, mine sleep like the dead wherever they are!

SlashBeef True, but I assumed saying she was extremely tired would have been enough.

@SlashBeef

I find it a bit odd that this kid is permanently exhausted and in tears over it 8 days after a holiday we would be fully back to the normal routine and totally fine. It does just sound like you don't want her to stay at your mums. Is there any reason behind this?

This. I read this quickly at first, and decided to miss the point a bit and ask why the op was forcing her daughter to do so many extra curricular activities that she was bursting into tears with exhaustion, and couldn’t possibly have a sleepover at her grans. But reading through her schedule she’s not even really doing anything?

I'd be more concerned that your DD is still exhausted from a 4 day holiday over a week ago.

Doing nice things (holiday, swimming lessons, parties) shouldn't leave a child so exhausted they are unable to spend time with their grandparents.

My mum essentially told me I am too protective of DD, she should just let her come and stay and so be it if she's tired. She said DH and I deserve a break and some time to ourselves. I suggested that my mum comes and babysits at our house which means myself and DH can go out for a meal, but that didn't cut it.

Definitely cancel. Your mum doesn't sound remotely understanding or particularly helpful. Why does she think it has to be this particular night when neither her nor your DD will get much benefit from the visit. Your mum is old enough to understand that there will be other nights when your DD doesn't have so much on. Why is she so impatient?

Thing is if you get a break but your DD gets even more tired and disrupted then the aftermath of that will be even more work for you. So your DMs logic doesn’t really hold up imo.

She’s wrecked and she needs time to relax and get back into routine. It amazes me how many parents don’t pick up on this kind of thing and then complain about kids behaviour.

OP you are not being overprotective, you are making a call based on your expertise as a parent and it’s the right one. Obviously the way you phrase it to your mum should be very gracious so that she doesn’t feel shut down and is happy to offer again.

Yanbu.

The priority is DD and her need for good sleep and routine. Not your mum’s feelings.

I have noticed people so often insist to mums “You and DH deserve time alone” when what they’re trying to do is borrow your lovely child to ‘play mum’ with because they’re bored/lonely/miss parenting. Always the child is returned upset and exhausted by people like these. If your mum really wanted to help, she’d be happy to babysit at yours. That she isn’t, shows this is about her, not about you, and certainly not about what’s best for DD.

I’m sorry your mum is bored and lonely. I’m sorry covid happened and that it impacted her relationship with DD. But forcing DD to miss sleep so that grandparents can live out their fantasy is not a solution.

You're not unreasonable to not let your daughter go to your mums.
But you're very cheeky to ask your mum to schlep to your house to babysit having just said she can't be babysat at hers.

@Advice2020

SlashBeef DD does have a muscular condition that means it takes far more effort for her to do any sort of physical activity and therefore makes her generally more tired than other kids of the same age.

Probably best to have mentioned this in the OP

In any event OP

You don’t want your DD staying for this night at your mothers

There is nothing wrong with that!!! So just tell her NOW rather than navel gazing on mumsnet, and leave to the very last minute

I wouldn't say yabu as it's your daughter and it's up to you. However I can see why your mum is disappointed if she was expecting her.
Honestly though, your daughter is very lucky to have a grandparent who wants to be so involved , I would give my right arm for that.

Yanbu. If she's tired, she's tired and needs her own bed and space. Of have done the same. I think your mum is being a bit full-on given you've only just come back from holiday.

For goodness sake, just ask your DD what she wants to do. No point in disappointing both her and your mum just because you're feeling protective. It's not like your mum is going to take her to soft play and keep her up until 11pm.

Just ask your mum to give her a nice calm and cosy evening and ensure she has an early night. I tend to agree with her that you're being over protective. There's going to be very little difference between the evening she has at home and the evening she'll have with grandma.

Sounds all about your mum and not what's best for you or your DD. It's fine to have boundaries and say no.

yanbu, your child, your decision. Its a shame your mum feels she missed out but your child is not a TV program, your Mum doesn't get to do catchup.

@DarleneSnell

Well personally as sleepover offers are exceedingly rare I would shove her out the door regardless at age 5

I think on your shoes I'd ask DD, and make a call based on her reaction. She might be up for it.

This!!!

I have wonderful memories of staying with my granny. My gosh. She died some years ago but I treasure those memories

My mother have never had my children over. There’s a logistical issue. So she would. But can’t right now

My mother in law has had my children about 10 nights in 10 years. Which my kids always adore.

I’d be saying. Here you go. Have fun!

@Lou98

To be honest, I think saying you don't want her staying was fair enough - until you then said that she could babysit in your house while you and your Husband go for dinner. If she's too tired to go to your Mum's why is she not too tired to have your Mum come to yours?

I would ask your Daughter what she wants to do personally. If she still wants to go to her Gran's then I would just say to your mum that she's to be in bed by 'x' time as she has a party the next day and you don't want her to be shattered.
Whenever I stayed at my Grandparent's it wasn't the same as a sleepover with friends where we were up all night taking and playing games, they still made sure I went to bed at a decent time etc.

If your Daughter doesn't want to go then I would just have explained that as she has a busy weekend she would rather stay at home

I can totally understand this. Sometimes a little kid just needs to be at home. It's a big deal to sleep somewhere else, even if they get on great with their grandmother and do it regularly. Going to Grandma's for a sleepover is an exciting event that the little girl might be too overwrought for; home is a place she can relax.

The OP suggesting she and her partner go out for dinner is in response to the mum arguing that she was trying to give OP and her DP time together. There's a world of difference between putting your kid to bed in their own home and having someone else sit downstairs, and sending them elsewhere to be out of routine. It's not just a question of 'will Grandma put her to bed at the right time?'

I think people are giving the op a hard time. Her daughter spends heaps of time with her grandmother since her family relocated. The OP isn't saying her daughter will never spend a night at Nan's again, just not this night. It's worth keeping it in perspective.

The bigger issue here is the grandmother's problem with boundaries and the OP's feeling of guilt for having enforced them.

What would your DD like, OP?

ladycarlotta

Exactly, the suggestion of my mum coming here instead was almost like a compromise. As in, DD still gets her own bed/same routine, my mum gets to feel "useful" as a grandparent and DH and I get the chance to spend some time together outside of the house.

Also, for all those who have said we are very lucky to have grandparents who are keen to be involved, I am very aware of this and extremely grateful to have this. I know it is not the same in every family.

NoSquirrels

DD keeps see sawing between wanting to go and not wanting to go.

I think neither of you are reasonable or unreasonable, really.

You shouldn’t have agreed if you thought this weekend in particular was already too busy - it’s annoying to have plans cancelled and I can see your mum’s POV a little, you do sound slightly overprotective. She’s right, she could go and stay and so be it if she’s tired - she’ll sleep!

OTOH you are the parents and you make the calls on whether it’s a good idea for your child or not. If you think she’s genuinely too exhausted this weekend then keep her home.

Babysitting at someone else’s house is not the same, so I’m not surprised she’s not keen. But you offered and she said no, and both of you are entitled to do so.

Don’t make a drama of it. You are so lucky to be offered regular nights of babysitting away from home - don’t fall out about this.