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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my mum to have my daughter to stay overnight when she is exhausted?

63 replies

Advice2020 · 18/03/2022 10:54

Long story short. For the first 4.5 years of DD's life we lived fairly far away from family. 6 months ago, we moved to within 15 mins drive of my mum and stepdad. My mum semi regularly offers to have DD to stay the night. Sometimes DD wants to go, sometimes she doesn't and sometimes we have other things on which prevents it happening. My mum has often said to me she feels like she missed out on a lot of DD's life due to the pandemic, despite us regularly using Zoom, WhatsApp etc to update all grandparents on what was going on in DD's life. Now we are living closer to family, it is nice to give them the opportunity to become involved and we trust them implicitly.

Recently we have all been on a family holiday together and we all spent 4 days together which was fantastic but DD is still exhausted from the holiday which involved a lot of walking, being out of routine and a very late night flight home.

This weekend my mum offered to have DD to stay overnight. Despite the fact that we have other family coming to visit and DD has a birthday party on Saturday and swimming lesson on Sunday (after which she is always extremely tired), I agreed.

This morning when dropping DD off at nursery, she was so tired she was in tears which prompted me to call my mum and tell her I didn't think a sleepover this weekend would work any more, DD needs time to rest and catch up on sleep. My mum essentially told me I am too protective of DD, she should just let her come and stay and so be it if she's tired. She said DH and I deserve a break and some time to ourselves. I suggested that my mum comes and babysits at our house which means myself and DH can go out for a meal, but that didn't cut it.

Am I being unreasonable to cancel the sleepover?

OP posts:
HollowedOut · 18/03/2022 13:07

A week to get over a holiday seems a bit extreme. If my child was too tired to go for a sleepover they would also be too tired to go to nursery. You seem incredibly protective of your Dd which is absolutely your right but equally it’s understandable your mum is upset that you’ve cancelled a sleepover because the day before the sleepover she’s tired.

ReadyToMoveIt · 18/03/2022 13:08

Can she have an early night tonight? She might feel much brighter in the morning.

Googlecanthelpme · 18/03/2022 13:30

Literally no one has a right to dictate or demand time with your children, ever.

If you don’t think it’s in best interest for her to stay out overnight then that’s the end of the story.

It’s lovely that her Nan wants to spend time with her but her wants don’t trump your wants or your child’s needs.

Your mum seems to be positioning this as a favour to you but you don’t want the favour?

Pushy families demanding alone time with children - I really don’t get it.

Herewegoagain84 · 18/03/2022 13:34

You’re mum is very kind to offer, and say you need time to yourselves. I’m less keen on the “if she’s tired, so be it”…. Your mum should still be caring for your DD with her best interests in mind. She’s 4.5 - not an age for regular late nights, so I understand not allowing it if she won’t put her to bed at a time that your DD needs.

FloraFoxx · 18/03/2022 13:41

Kids are often teary at nursery drop off I really doubt it's due to trip a week ago.

Your dm wants to have her overnight, I'd let her. It's lovely for kids to have time with their grandparents away from parents.

Hellorhighwater · 18/03/2022 13:51

You know your kiddo best. If it’s too much for her, thats OK. I have had to set a lot of boundaries with my mother. She imposes rather a lot, and not in a mutually agreed way, but she decides, and announces her plan to come and stay for a week in the middle of term, say. It was often very disruptive, and hard to get into a good rythymn.

I think if you were away last weekend, its not unreasonable to want a quiet family weekend this weekend, especially if there is already a birthday party. I would, let alone a kiddo under 4 who is in nursery. Tired isn’t just about getting enough sleep, but quiet restorative time too. We aren’t all raging extroverts!

Crazycrazylady · 18/03/2022 19:21

Honestly if your dd genuinely is so exhausted after these type of things a week later id be taking her to a doctor..
Most kids of that age tend to have boundless energy.

Tdcp · 18/03/2022 19:37

Honestly if your dd genuinely is so exhausted after these type of things a week later id be taking her to a doctor..
Most kids of that age tend to have boundless energy.

All kids are different, apart from the fact op has specified that her daughter has a muscle condition, my daughter is one of the tired ones and she would still be shattered from a very active holiday a week ago. Some kids I know would be fine, others are like my dd.

Anyway, regardless, you know your own kid op and if she isn't up for it then she isn't up for it, your mum should be more understanding, particularly considering your daughter's condition.

DoYouSeaWhatISea · 18/03/2022 19:46

@Googlecanthelpme

Literally no one has a right to dictate or demand time with your children, ever.

If you don’t think it’s in best interest for her to stay out overnight then that’s the end of the story.

It’s lovely that her Nan wants to spend time with her but her wants don’t trump your wants or your child’s needs.

Your mum seems to be positioning this as a favour to you but you don’t want the favour?

Pushy families demanding alone time with children - I really don’t get it.

Yes, this is exactly right. Also, you know what’s best for your DD, and DD is too young to make that decision. She needs to be at home, relaxing with you and her Dad, and sleeping in her own bed.
PutinIsAWarCriminal · 18/03/2022 19:51

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. When a child is tired they want their own bed. I wouldn't have said yes to a sleep over when you have a busy weekend anyway.

Yika · 18/03/2022 20:02

@Crazycrazylady

Honestly if your dd genuinely is so exhausted after these type of things a week later id be taking her to a doctor.. Most kids of that age tend to have boundless energy.
My DD is very energetic but I find her sleep needs to be ringfenced and protected - if any of the 3 basic needs (sleep / food / exercise) is missing she can't function properly. She's like a puppy!

I can very much relate to the OP as she is one of those children who, if tired, cannot be fun, have fun, or be nice to be around.

Thus, I would prioritise a quiet night at home and plenty of sleep above anything else, even time with other family members. I've been around plenty of children who this wouldn't be such an issue for, but it would be for us.

appleturnovers · 18/03/2022 20:08

The way I see it, if your DD was an adult she would probably say "Look, to be honest Nan, I'm knackered and I need a weekend to just get back into the swing of things and chill by myself. Can we do next weekend instead?" But as she's not an adult she needs you to advocate for her, which you are doing.

appleturnovers · 18/03/2022 20:11

A week to get over a holiday seems a bit extreme.

Not if you haven't had an opportunity to properly chill since you came home. Children need unstructured downtime to relax too.

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