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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pushy friend (possibly narc) - how to deal ?

62 replies

User112 · 18/03/2022 09:05

I met this lady (call her Jane) at a mutual friend’s place a year ago. Realised we grew up in the same neighbourhood (abroad) and went to the same uni. Also, her DS goes to the same school as mine (different year group). Nice. We exchanged numbers and met a few times. Her DH introduced my DH to a local group and they regularly play a sport together.

We have a busy life as DH and I work full time. Jane kept inviting us over to hers and being quite pushy about wanting us to spend hours at her place chatting and playing cards. She doesn’t work and has only one child (secondary school) so had a lot of free time. She is quite active in a local group and likes organising events.
She fell out with a few people in the group - I don’t know the back story. I get along with others and enjoy their company.

Ever since Jane’s fallout with the group, she has been nagging me every single day telling me when she is available to meet etc. she also tells me I need to take a break from work (I wfh 2 days a week) during the day to have tea with her (wtf !?). There is also one other lady who I met at the other friends party. That woman (Lisa) and Jane are meeting a lot these days and other ladies in the group are actively avoiding them.

Last week Lisa invited me over to hers for a coffee and I politely declined. She was super pushy. Jane has been super pushy. I finally gave in and went to see Jane after work yesterday. Guess what Lisa was there! They were bitching about a party I attended (they were not invited) and about other people I socialise with. Lisa says I should meet them more often (coffee with these two and their own group) or how else will I have fun!? Wtf !? And then proceeds to tell me I MUST go shopping with them tomorrow ( wtf NO !!?). I said sorry I can’t as I have to take DH to his tuition. Jane says, oh your DH can take him, you are coming with us !! WTF !?

There are two groups now and they don’t like each other. Jane’s group is very pushy, I don’t like them, I don’t enjoy the company. However, the husbands of this group play tennis with my husband regularly.
The other group, I like the company, they don’t bitch about others, have no problems with me meeting Jane and her group, generally easy going.

Jane gives me major narc vibes. I avoid narcs like plague. The insecurities, casual putting down, wanting to be involved in major decisions of our life, having opinions, making me feel uncomfortable about not telling her stuff, general show off, lacking class in any shape or kind.

I’d have instantly blocked her if our husbands were not friends. Tbh, Jane’s husband is a really nice chap. No probs with him at all.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 18/03/2022 09:09

Make sure you never bitch. Sit and nod. Also send a WhatsApp cancelling.

Pandypuff · 18/03/2022 09:13

'Narcissist' is a term so thrown around flippantly these days. Being overkeen to be friends with someone doesn't make you a narcissist. Being a bit annoying doesn't make you a narcissist. Nothing you have said about this woman implies she's a narcissist. If you don't like her then just tell her you don't want to meet with her. She doesn't sound horrible, just like she's desperate for friends and doesn't understand appropriate social behaviour so bothers people a lot. Yes she's bitching but she's probably hurt to be excluded from a friendship group. It all sounds very high school to be honest. I'm kind of surprised the people involved in this situation are older than 16.

Billlius · 18/03/2022 09:21

At least Jane isn’t bitching about you on Mumsnet.

TheCatterall · 18/03/2022 09:43

Just slowly cut them out. I’m sure the husbands will still get on and no doubt he knows full well what his wife is like.

I mean what toxic mood vampires they seem to be - no one wants to sit in that kind of atmosphere.

DH can continue doing his thing - and you continue with the nicer group and be more and more unavailable for communication with Janet. I mean what’s she choking to do if you refuse and ignore her - not be your friend? That’s the aim anyway…

Georgeskitchen · 18/03/2022 09:56

Block them and stay with the nice group. Let the DH's do their own thing

Original poster
User112 · 18/03/2022 09:57

@Pandypuff

'Narcissist' is a term so thrown around flippantly these days. Being overkeen to be friends with someone doesn't make you a narcissist. Being a bit annoying doesn't make you a narcissist. Nothing you have said about this woman implies she's a narcissist. If you don't like her then just tell her you don't want to meet with her. She doesn't sound horrible, just like she's desperate for friends and doesn't understand appropriate social behaviour so bothers people a lot. Yes she's bitching but she's probably hurt to be excluded from a friendship group. It all sounds very high school to be honest. I'm kind of surprised the people involved in this situation are older than 16.
I know what a narc is like. I’ve been in therapy for years to get out of narc induced mental damage, I can smell a narc from a mile.

She isn’t someone just desperate to be friends. She has friends who say yes all the time, so she definitely isn’t desp. She wants power, control and numbers and a lot of yes people who will just go along with what Jane decides.

OP posts:
Original poster
User112 · 18/03/2022 09:58

@Billlius

At least Jane isn’t bitching about you on Mumsnet.
Hello Jane!
OP posts:
Original poster
User112 · 18/03/2022 09:58

I had two texts already this morning about the weekend girls plans. I already said no !? Hmm

OP posts:
RandomBasic · 18/03/2022 10:00

If I asked you for a thousand pounds right now, what would you say? Don't get steamrolled into doing things that you don't want to do. You're an adult.

CruCru · 18/03/2022 10:02

I have no idea whether this woman is a narcissist. However it sounds as though she wants a very intense friendship with you and this puts you off.

Can you just decline all invites? Although your husband gets on with her husband, there is not a law that you must be friends with her.

Magenta82 · 18/03/2022 10:18

If you don't want to do things with her then don't, your husbands being friends has no bearing on this as far as I can see. Is your husband pushing for joint events?

MurmuratingStarling · 18/03/2022 10:28

I'd be ghosting her TBH. CBA with people like this. I'm far too busy to spend time with people who constantly want to meet and spend time 'chatting.'

Yeah I know I'm on mumsnet atm, but I can pop in and out of here whilst I am doing other stuff/doing my actual JOB,) and aren't being forced to talk to people, or 'entertain!'

MushroomCow99 · 18/03/2022 10:29

Ghost them.

I have a friend like this, constantly every day pushing for me to see them even when they know I can't. It's tiring constantly repeating yourself like a parrot.

MurmuratingStarling · 18/03/2022 10:34

Meeting a friend once or twice a month is enough. What on earth would you talk about if you see them/speak to them every single day? Confused It's like these people who say they speak to their mum every day.' Why? What on earth do you find to talk about, every DAY?

I am in contact with my DC several times a week, via tweets, and whatsapp messages, and we speak once a week on the phone, and see each other every 2-3 weeks, but we have lives that are much too busy to speak - and/or see each other EVERY DAY. And as I said, what would even talk about, if we spoke EVERY DAY?

MarinoRoyale · 18/03/2022 10:37

@User112

I had two texts already this morning about the weekend girls plans. I already said no !? Hmm
“Hi Jane, I’ve already said no and my answer isn’t going to change so please stop asking me as I won’t reply again”
Gonnagetgoing · 18/03/2022 10:46

Here's my take - if you aren't keen don't do it.

I used to be in a friendship group where this one particular woman would ring or text me (e.g. when I was already out in London) so e.g. after work or on a weekend and whine that she was free to meet me in say Oxford Street for a drink. I did this a few times if I had time but only because she was so whiny and made the excuse as to 'you're here Gonna in West End, why not?'.

The limit for me though was when she sent an email re her birthday picnic and was upset that me and another woman couldn't come and make the effort. Slight backstory as we'd been to her flat, stayed over and her boyfriend (unplanned) had been there and apparently I'd been flirting with him (not true, backed up by friends). Got a proper stroppy email off her re her birthday and I told her to go away and leave me alone. I wish I hadn't made the effort to meet her after work but was trying to be nice!

Pyri · 18/03/2022 10:49

@Pandypuff

'Narcissist' is a term so thrown around flippantly these days. Being overkeen to be friends with someone doesn't make you a narcissist. Being a bit annoying doesn't make you a narcissist. Nothing you have said about this woman implies she's a narcissist. If you don't like her then just tell her you don't want to meet with her. She doesn't sound horrible, just like she's desperate for friends and doesn't understand appropriate social behaviour so bothers people a lot. Yes she's bitching but she's probably hurt to be excluded from a friendship group. It all sounds very high school to be honest. I'm kind of surprised the people involved in this situation are older than 16.
Absolutely agree. “Narcissist” is such a MN term.

You don’t want to be friends with her, just decline her offers and move on.

Cocomarine · 18/03/2022 10:57

It’s all a bit Abigail’s Party. Husbands who play tennis together, wives who work part time or don’t work and fill their days with coffee, shopping and bitching.

Just say no.

godmum56 · 18/03/2022 11:00

I don't see why your husband's friendship means you can't block the wife?

Original poster
User112 · 18/03/2022 11:21

@godmum56

I don't see why your husband's friendship means you can't block the wife?
Because we get dinner invites via husbands and we have a lot of mutual friends and will bump into each other several times a year.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/03/2022 12:09

Because we get dinner invites via husbands and we have a lot of mutual friends and will bump into each other several times a year.

So let it be awkward! They're the ones being rude and weird - they're the ones dismissing what you say and trampling all over your boundaries.

So say no when you mean no, say you won't be discussing it again and stick to it. Then if you bump into them and it's awkward... it's not your fault and it's not the end of the world.

Their husbands will know what they are like anyway and your husband can have a friendship with them without you having to cave in to demands the wives make.

"I said no, because I can't go. That's not going to change so no need to keep asking."

Stick to it. Ignore any follow ups asking you / persuading you.

Original poster
User112 · 18/03/2022 12:22

It’s unbelievable how she offers “solutions” when I say no! Am I being too nice? Some people misunderstand politeness, I never said my NO is up for negotiation. She just negotiates!

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 18/03/2022 12:25

I don't think you even need to block them or anything that dramatic. Just make clear that you're not going to drop everything and join their sessions at every opportunity because you have a job and kids, and don't get drawn into bitching about the other group when you do see them. And just hold the line on these things. "No, sorry, I've said no" etc.

Chances are they will get bored of trying to "convert" you anyway.

And I'll bet any money the blokes couldn't care less about any of this because they usually don't even notice it. As long as there isn't open warfare it will go over their heads.

Casamento · 18/03/2022 12:33

"major narc vibes" Grin yes, I'm sure that's how narcissism is diagnosed

She's trying to make friends, you don't want to be friends, so just say no. If you don't want to block her, turn off notifications from her and ignore.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/03/2022 12:37

@User112

It’s unbelievable how she offers “solutions” when I say no! Am I being too nice? Some people misunderstand politeness, I never said my NO is up for negotiation. She just negotiates!
She can't negotiate with silence though OP.

So say no, say you won't be changing your mind and literally don't entertain the conversation any more.

You are being too 'nice' and seeing 'having firm boundaries' as 'being confrontational'.

So many people say they're afraid of confrontation without realising it means they are simply not advocating for themselves.

Once you learn to say no and mean it, it's so liberating! I've been there OP so I know how you feel now and wish someone had pushed me to practice saying no and meaning it sooner.

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