Pushy friend (possibly narc) - how to deal ?

[User112]

I met this lady (call her Jane) at a mutual friend’s place a year ago. Realised we grew up in the same neighbourhood (abroad) and went to the same uni. Also, her DS goes to the same school as mine (different year group). Nice. We exchanged numbers and met a few times. Her DH introduced my DH to a local group and they regularly play a sport together.

We have a busy life as DH and I work full time. Jane kept inviting us over to hers and being quite pushy about wanting us to spend hours at her place chatting and playing cards. She doesn’t work and has only one child (secondary school) so had a lot of free time. She is quite active in a local group and likes organising events.
She fell out with a few people in the group - I don’t know the back story. I get along with others and enjoy their company.

Ever since Jane’s fallout with the group, she has been nagging me every single day telling me when she is available to meet etc. she also tells me I need to take a break from work (I wfh 2 days a week) during the day to have tea with her (wtf !?). There is also one other lady who I met at the other friends party. That woman (Lisa) and Jane are meeting a lot these days and other ladies in the group are actively avoiding them.

Last week Lisa invited me over to hers for a coffee and I politely declined. She was super pushy. Jane has been super pushy. I finally gave in and went to see Jane after work yesterday. Guess what Lisa was there! They were bitching about a party I attended (they were not invited) and about other people I socialise with. Lisa says I should meet them more often (coffee with these two and their own group) or how else will I have fun!? Wtf !? And then proceeds to tell me I MUST go shopping with them tomorrow ( wtf NO !!?). I said sorry I can’t as I have to take DH to his tuition. Jane says, oh your DH can take him, you are coming with us !! WTF !?

There are two groups now and they don’t like each other. Jane’s group is very pushy, I don’t like them, I don’t enjoy the company. However, the husbands of this group play tennis with my husband regularly.
The other group, I like the company, they don’t bitch about others, have no problems with me meeting Jane and her group, generally easy going.

Jane gives me major narc vibes. I avoid narcs like plague. The insecurities, casual putting down, wanting to be involved in major decisions of our life, having opinions, making me feel uncomfortable about not telling her stuff, general show off, lacking class in any shape or kind.

I’d have instantly blocked her if our husbands were not friends. Tbh, Jane’s husband is a really nice chap. No probs with him at all.

i dont want to read and run op but just do what suits you. you cant go against your own boundries where friends are concerned.

Just stop seeing her altogether. Decline invitation etc until she gets the point.

I’m sure your husband can maintain his own friendships with you needing to sacrifice your time with this woman.

WTF?!

@User112

You told us what you thought was important and none of it points to narcissism.

I’ve noticed a lot of people who are people pleasers seem to need to demonise someone in order to distance themselves from them. Otherwise maybe you’d feel guilty? Instead of just recognising that you don’t get along, you have to make her a narcissist or a monster. It’s very unhealthy.

If you need permission to end the relationship then consider this permission granted. But you might wanna focus a little bit more on tightening up your own boundaries rather than trying to diagnose complex mental health conditions in other people.

@User112

I don't think people are defensive of actual narcissists. I do, however, think that many, many people label people w this when actually its more their issue rather than the other person's. It is, after all, a diagnostic label and there could be any number of reasons why a person may act the way they do. My belief has always been to look for the reason for the behaviour as every behaviour has a function.

Narcissism is an odd one because a lot of the time the problem actually comes from a place of terrible sense of self. These people have been conditioned from childhood to respond to supposed threats to their sense of self with aggression.

As I said before, if you have a true narcissist on your hands you are unlikely to notice. They are very smart when it comes to manipulating and controlling the narrative. You will often feel a close bond when you meet, yet walk away feeling like something is amiss but not be able to pin-point what. Why? Because they will often be what you need them to be, in order to get the validation they crave. Its similar with borderline type individuals but without the typical self-loathing.

I still believe that unless you have something extremely important or valuable to her that she will have cut you off months ago. Narcs won't waste their time on "lesser" people, so unless you have a really good reason for her to stick around she won't see you as anything but a hinderance. What do you offer her that others can't? Do you show and interest and validate her? If nobody does then this is a huge reinforcer for her nagging you.

Good luck!

Just say “no thanks I don’t fancy it. Thanks for asking”. Then don’t answer any more of her texts.

I had a really pushy neighbour who was constantly you HAVE to... You MUST...

I knew I had to stop it so in the end I said to her actually, no, I don't have to. I'm not able to and we'll have to leave it at that.

We simply say hi now.

It wasn't something I did lightly or quickly but there can come a point when you have to call a firm halt and to hell with it.

So I advise that. Say no I don't have to and I'm not going to.

[quote Burgoo]@User112

I don't think people are defensive of actual narcissists. I do, however, think that many, many people label people w this when actually its more their issue rather than the other person's. It is, after all, a diagnostic label and there could be any number of reasons why a person may act the way they do. My belief has always been to look for the reason for the behaviour as every behaviour has a function.

Narcissism is an odd one because a lot of the time the problem actually comes from a place of terrible sense of self. These people have been conditioned from childhood to respond to supposed threats to their sense of self with aggression.

As I said before, if you have a true narcissist on your hands you are unlikely to notice. They are very smart when it comes to manipulating and controlling the narrative. You will often feel a close bond when you meet, yet walk away feeling like something is amiss but not be able to pin-point what. Why? Because they will often be what you need them to be, in order to get the validation they crave. Its similar with borderline type individuals but without the typical self-loathing.

I still believe that unless you have something extremely important or valuable to her that she will have cut you off months ago. Narcs won't waste their time on "lesser" people, so unless you have a really good reason for her to stick around she won't see you as anything but a hinderance. What do you offer her that others can't? Do you show and interest and validate her? If nobody does then this is a huge reinforcer for her nagging you.

Good luck![/quote]
Thanks for the perspective. It’s exactly been like that for a very long time. That’s how I put up with it, without realising, for this long. Until one day, I thought - hmm wait a minute, I don’t think I want to do that. Then, all the pushiness just 10xd!

I don’t think people are protective about narcissism. I do think lots of people are really tired of this kind of amateur pop-psychology which means terms like ‘narc’ get thrown around on MN with absolutely no basis in an actual medical diagnosis.

As hard as it may be you have to be direct with the Janes of this world (even if their husbands are friends with yours) and just tell them ‘No, I don’t want to go shopping’ or ‘I don’t fancy coming round for coffee’. Say no enough and they should eventually get the message. If not tell them to fuck off.

I don’t think it actually matters whether Jane is a narcissist or not; what matters here is that she’s clearly a twat.

OP, you really do have to make a choice here. You can stop replying to this nightmare woman’s messages and continue hanging out with the friends you actually do like instead, and accept that this might mean it will slightly awkward if you both happen to attend the same party one day. Or you can carry on letting yourself be bullied into social events with people you hate. Your husbands are unlikely to give a shit either way and will just carry on playing tennis.

As a previous poster said, your therapy should have provided your with strategies to deal with situations not convinced you that you can diagnose other people.
You can only control your behaviour so take the advice about being more assertive when saying no and don't get drawn into debates.
I also thought it was good advice to call her out when she starts bitching about your other friends otherwise you are being two faced by not doing so and not much better than her.