Page 2 | Pushy friend (possibly narc) - how to deal ?

Original poster

User112 · 18/03/2022 12:39

@thepeopleversuswork

I don't think you even need to block them or anything that dramatic. Just make clear that you're not going to drop everything and join their sessions at every opportunity because you have a job and kids, and don't get drawn into bitching about the other group when you do see them. And just hold the line on these things. "No, sorry, I've said no" etc.

Chances are they will get bored of trying to "convert" you anyway.

And I'll bet any money the blokes couldn't care less about any of this because they usually don't even notice it. As long as there isn't open warfare it will go over their heads.

Exactly! Blokes have no issues, they play booze and just get on with life! My husband says “can’t come today mate, I’m busy” that’s it. No one FUCKKNG ever negotiates or offers solutions or asks for reasons!

OP posts:

Original poster

User112 · 18/03/2022 12:40

@youvegottenminuteslynn you are right.

OP posts:

Spanglemum · 18/03/2022 12:41

Don't give a reason why you can't go, just say you're busy. Or say you can't stand shopping trips. You don't have to be friends with her just because your husbands are friends.

MushroomCow99 · 18/03/2022 12:58

I've thought of a solution.

Every time Jane bitches about the other group simply say "Jane that's really not kind and your making me uncomfortable they're still my friends if you continue I'm sorry but I don't think we'll be meeting up anymore."

Just make her feel as uncomfortable as she's making you feel - she'll stop.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/03/2022 13:03

My husband says “can’t come today mate, I’m busy” that’s it. No one FUCKKNG ever negotiates or offers solutions or asks for reasons!

But they can't negotiate or offer a solution if your no is final! Literally don't engage further. If they want to think that's rude then let them think that - they're batshit and you don't think they're nice people anyway so what does it matter? If it's awkward after then good - they'll set their sights elsewhere and leave you alone!

tkwal · 18/03/2022 13:10

I'm not sure I would refer to Jane as a Narc, purely because I have experience of one in my life. I would say from reading your post that she is insecure and very needy. As a pp has said this sounds more like a series of high school spats. Don't kowtow to her, if there's an event you'd like to attend then go, if you don't want to then decline the invite.
I wouldn't get the husbands involved either , the politics of friendship don't usually interest them.think about it, would you want to go along the lines of "his wife's a bitch I don't want you to play (tennis) with him ? I would hope her husband has more sense too

RampantIvy · 18/03/2022 13:14

You can just mute her on WhatsApp. Just don't reply to her messages.

ikeepseeingit · 18/03/2022 13:16

To those two texts this morning just say ‘Just to make it clear, I’m still not going out with you on the trip, as I explained earlier’ if she tries to negotiate with that just send it again. No need to apologise. No need to placate. Just set the boundary and let her deal with it seeing as she’s ignoring your niceties from yesterday.

LizDoingTheCanCan · 18/03/2022 13:27

I know what a narc is like. I’ve been in therapy for years to get out of narc induced mental damage, I can smell a narc from a mile.

Of course you can.

Strawberry33 · 18/03/2022 13:30

@User112

It’s unbelievable how she offers “solutions” when I say no! Am I being too nice? Some people misunderstand politeness, I never said my NO is up for negotiation. She just negotiates!

Some people are just like this and there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe you saying no in vague or apologetic ways means she thinks she’s genuinely helping you by trying to help you to meet. Other than that I really don’t understand what you want from this post- she sounds intense and that’s ok- but it’s not for you. Just don’t be her friend?

AngelinaFibres · 18/03/2022 13:33

@User112

It’s unbelievable how she offers “solutions” when I say no! Am I being too nice? Some people misunderstand politeness, I never said my NO is up for negotiation. She just negotiates!

Say no, however pleasantly you wish ,then mute her and get on with your job/ day. You have said no. There is nothing more to be said. No need to reply further.You don't need to text her about anything at all. You don't need to engage with her ideas or negotiations. "Sorry i cant do that ,I already have plans,". Ignore, ignore,ignore.

AngelinaFibres · 18/03/2022 13:35

@LizDoingTheCanCan

I know what a narc is like. I’ve been in therapy for years to get out of narc induced mental damage, I can smell a narc from a mile.

Of course you can.

Use what all this therapy has taught you. You must have been given strategies. Use them

Chickychickydodah · 18/03/2022 13:37

I’d ghost them .

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 18/03/2022 13:43

No that doesnt work for me.
No I'm not available.
As I said upthread, I'm not available that day.

DONT give a reason as it's opening grounds for negotiation. Dont say sorry.

crispmidnightpeace · 18/03/2022 13:51

@User112

I met this lady (call her Jane) at a mutual friend’s place a year ago. Realised we grew up in the same neighbourhood (abroad) and went to the same uni. Also, her DS goes to the same school as mine (different year group). Nice. We exchanged numbers and met a few times. Her DH introduced my DH to a local group and they regularly play a sport together.

We have a busy life as DH and I work full time. Jane kept inviting us over to hers and being quite pushy about wanting us to spend hours at her place chatting and playing cards. She doesn’t work and has only one child (secondary school) so had a lot of free time. She is quite active in a local group and likes organising events.
She fell out with a few people in the group - I don’t know the back story. I get along with others and enjoy their company.

Ever since Jane’s fallout with the group, she has been nagging me every single day telling me when she is available to meet etc. she also tells me I need to take a break from work (I wfh 2 days a week) during the day to have tea with her (wtf !?). There is also one other lady who I met at the other friends party. That woman (Lisa) and Jane are meeting a lot these days and other ladies in the group are actively avoiding them.

Last week Lisa invited me over to hers for a coffee and I politely declined. She was super pushy. Jane has been super pushy. I finally gave in and went to see Jane after work yesterday. Guess what Lisa was there! They were bitching about a party I attended (they were not invited) and about other people I socialise with. Lisa says I should meet them more often (coffee with these two and their own group) or how else will I have fun!? Wtf !? And then proceeds to tell me I MUST go shopping with them tomorrow ( wtf NO !!?). I said sorry I can’t as I have to take DH to his tuition. Jane says, oh your DH can take him, you are coming with us !! WTF !?

There are two groups now and they don’t like each other. Jane’s group is very pushy, I don’t like them, I don’t enjoy the company. However, the husbands of this group play tennis with my husband regularly.
The other group, I like the company, they don’t bitch about others, have no problems with me meeting Jane and her group, generally easy going.

Jane gives me major narc vibes. I avoid narcs like plague. The insecurities, casual putting down, wanting to be involved in major decisions of our life, having opinions, making me feel uncomfortable about not telling her stuff, general show off, lacking class in any shape or kind.

I’d have instantly blocked her if our husbands were not friends. Tbh, Jane’s husband is a really nice chap. No probs with him at all.

Jane gives me major narc vibes. I avoid narcs like plague.

No you don't. Would you sit and have coffee with a plague victim?

Keep cancelling and ignoring until they get the message.

xsquared · 18/03/2022 14:11

People like Jane are very draining to be around, so just distance yourself from her and decline further invitations for coffee etc.

I'm busy
That doesn't work for me
I'm not available

If she is a narc, they don't usually take no for an answer and can get very nasty. I would just block her from all communication at this point.

bluedodecagon · 18/03/2022 14:19

I can’t stand stuff like this because she sounds very annoying and irritating but you don’t need to label her a narcissist.

If you don’t like her, stop hanging out with her.

She’s pushy and you have poor boundaries. If she asks you to something, say no and stop replying. Say you’re busy and that’s it. Turn down all joint events with the husband.

It’s pretty easy.

Burgoo · 18/03/2022 14:27

Having met a large number of diagnosed narcissists over the past 20 years I can say that she doesn't sound like a narcissist at all. As someone else said, its a hugely over-used term when we dislike what other people do. It is also actually really rare that people are genuine narcissists. We must remember that narcissists are ALL different. The "best" ones are the ones you wouldn't even suspect are. For example, female narcs are actually somewhat different from male ones. Men are more blatant about it, women often move into a martyr complex - making it sound like they are the centre of the world (e.g. "it must be me who caused this/made them feel bad etc) without actually bragging. But back to the question...

This sounds a little too playground for my liking. What is it with people not being able to just say what they feel and think? If you find her over-powering then tell her! She may simply have no idea. She also may be finding it hard to be alone, especially if she is isolated following these fall outs. If she is stay at home she may find that intolerable - unhappiness or anxiety about being alone isn't narcissistic, its just rather sad.

Be clear what you will and won't accept. Tell her directly. No hints, no undertones of annoyance and no passive aggressiveness. She will likely respect you more for being honest and I for one would appreciate knowing if I am doing something others find upsetting.

In short, grow up and just talk to her about it. If she doesn't like it then just stop talking to her. If you see her in the future let it be awkward. Your husbands relationship has no bearing on whether you opt to be friends with someone. And that's what this is all about. You either:

Opt to be her friend (I use that term purposefully, you are choosing if you pick this option) - suck it up and stay unhappy
Opt to be her friend with conditions and boundaries - this is where you lay down your cards and have a clear convo about what you will and won't accept
Ditch her - and deal with the awkwardness
Accept this is as she is and that you can't change her - maybe she will be easier to tolerate if you accept that she will nag you and you don't have to do as she says all the time

There aren't many other options available really. You could try to shape her behaviour by asking her out at times that suit you so that it becomes more even power wise. You could give her specific times when you ARE free - in advance. You may book her in when you see her - literally say "when shall we next catch up? I am free on X,Y or Z" and arrange it then and there.

Good luck. It sounds a tough situation and at the same time just ignoring it isn't likely to be successful in the longer-term

Burgoo · 18/03/2022 14:31

Just one last thing...

If you want to make her stop then you need to make her doing the behaviour aversive. If she is actually narcissistic (which I suspect she isn't, purely because narcs often don't expend this amount of effort on others because they simply don't believe you are worth their time) then you could be a little cool and aloof and not agree or encourage as much. She will likely find this aversive because she will want a degree of deference and warmth from you.

If she isn't narc and just lonely and unhappy then you could say something like "if we are going to continue being friends then I need some space. I want you to see me and have good times and at the same time if I feel suffocated it will make me not want to be around you". This would be EXTREMELY aversive so be gentle with it - you will likely prickle some guilt or shame doing this so just judge it well. If you aren't sure about how much guilt or shame she carries use with caution!

Buttercup54321 · 18/03/2022 14:32

I've had very similar with a pushy friend.She even questions my daughter to see if I actually did what I told her I was doing. Then her husband started texting my partner to check!!!
Now we are always busy and never reply to their questions. Daughter just saysI dont know.
Havent seen them in months. Its bliss

milkyaqua · 18/03/2022 14:40

Are you posting from the 1970s?

billy1966 · 18/03/2022 15:01

OP,
If the husbands enjoy playing together, there will be no blow back.

But you need to stop giving excuses and No, not available, not busy.

I have come across people like this and as @youvegottenminuteslynn has stated, silence is best.

So after saying "No I cant do/make/attend that". I simply didn't engage further.

I would fade them out to only very occasionally seeing them.

You are busy with work and other things...Sorry! and simply don't engage.

Be friendly and polite at social gatherings but avoid if possible.

Life is too short to spend time with tjosecyou don't like.

coffeeisthebest · 18/03/2022 15:13

Having opinions doesn't make someone a narcissist. Not listening to or allowing other people to have opinions is allowing your own inner narcissist to have a voice. We all have one OP. We are all capable of believing we know better than everyone else. If you don't like these women, stop seeing them.

coffeeisthebest · 18/03/2022 15:46

@User112

It’s unbelievable how she offers “solutions” when I say no! Am I being too nice? Some people misunderstand politeness, I never said my NO is up for negotiation. She just negotiates!

Your no isn't clear enough. Please don't confuse wanting to rid your life of people you view as narcissistic with the fact that you need to assert your own voice and will need to have to learn how to disappoint others and handle conflict.

Original poster

User112 · 18/03/2022 20:19

@coffeeisthebest

Having opinions doesn't make someone a narcissist. Not listening to or allowing other people to have opinions is allowing your own inner narcissist to have a voice. We all have one OP. We are all capable of believing we know better than everyone else. If you don't like these women, stop seeing them.

Why are some people here so protective about narcissism as if it’s some queens OBE/MBE!??

I obviously haven’t told you everything about her narcissistic behaviour! Did you really think I labelled her a narcissist based on 2 incidents?
I’ve known her for a year now!

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