To not tell my husband

[tropicalmuslin]

I wanted to check and see what you guys think of this..

I am an expat in a country in Central Europe that is accepting a lot of refugees from Ukraine. I have been helping as much as I can with donating what is needed etc but I would like to do more. I would go and help at one of the centres open here but I am a SAHM to two small boys so it's impossible. I am very keen to be a temporary host for the women and children arriving. They get here at all hours, have nothing, and often just need a warm bed, shower, meal and place to recuperate for s few days before moving on. I have a big house with all amenities for kids etc and can offer a room with own bathroom and want to help.

The problem is that my husband hates strange people in our house. We don't have a cleaner because he can't cope with the idea of it. He knows how I feel about the refugee crisis and said he is happy for me to give money etc but not our home. He is working abroad for the next month, would it be terrible of me to do this without him knowing? AIBU?? 🙈

Yes. I absolutely understand your feelings, but it is also his home and that would be a big deception.

What's the issue if he isn't even there?

Yes YABU.

How temporary is temporary? What happens if they still need a home once the month is up and your husband comes home again?

What happens if they have nowhere to go at the end of the time you have said you can have them until?

Yes YABU. Imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

They would only stay for a night or two before moving on, then I would take in someone else who has just arrived. It is a service people are signing up to here if they can't commit to hosting anyone long term.

Yes, it’d be wrong. Your husband clearly feels strongly about not having strangers in his home and you should respect that. There’s other ways you can help.

You just can’t do this, however much you want to. That would be such a betrayal of trust. I totally understand your reasoning but please talk to him about it first, he might surprise you but don’t just do it without him knowing, it could be absolutely fine but it could not work out how you’ve planned and do you really think he wouldn’t find out and how do you think he would feel? Genuinely put yourself in his shoes.

Thank you for the feedback, I was worried that the deception is too much. I just see what is happening here and want to be more hands on than I am. I will have to keep doing as much as I can without opening my home I guess.

You would be massively unreasonable and out of order to do this. Very deceitful. I would have a huge issue if my dh did this. What happens after a month, where would you send these people to?

I guess it does depend a bit on his reasons why, whether he finds hosting stressful but doesn't mind guests when he's not there, or whether he's concerned about things being damaged/stolen. Or whether he's more concerned about the risk to his DC. Personally I think it's a big decision, like trying for a baby, which you should only do if you're both on board.

YABU Your husband would have to be fully on board with it. It's his home as well

Of course it would be wrong. Totally and completely wrong. Do this and suffer the consequences. Your husband will no longer trust you.

I think it’s wrong too.
Get him onboard rather then be dishonest. He’ll probably realise anyway if he is that particular.

If dh thought about being this deceitful I would look at him completely differently. How could you even think its ok bringing someone around the kids without him being aboard with that?

As hard as this is you cannot put the refugees above your husband. This is an unacceptable deception and disrespect to him. This is his home too that he is working to pay for.

I would like to host someone, but am in a similar position. I have made a substantial donation.

It would be wrong to do it with him knowing, but could you ask him if he'd be ok with you doing it just while he is away?

Yes it would be totally wrong. Especially when the children you share with your husband are home, he has as much right as you do to no what’s going on in their home and who they are around. That’s not to suggest they would be in danger (altho it’s a risk with any strange anytime obviously), but it’d be wrong to betray your husband like that.

And how small are your children? Are they old enough to talk? Are you actually considering getting them to lie to him too?

I honestly don’t even understand how you can consider treating someone like this.

YABVU.

That's deceptive and if I found out my partner was doing this, it would end our relationship.

Yes it’ll be unreasonable. Whilst this is a lovely thing to do, it’s not just your home, it’s your husband and your kids home too and you need to respect this, get everyone onboard (including your kids) before expecting them to share their private space.

You would allow a number of complete strangers to stay in your house with your two very young children, over the course of a month, and you propose to keep this information from your DH?

That’s so deceptive, I don’t know where to start, you must have no respect for him at all.

I'd feel very upset if my DH did this behind my back, I'd also be incredibly worried about safety with young children / partner being away and taking in vulnerable people who are going through a horrendous time (which will have impacted their mental health to no end).