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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my husband

78 replies

tropicalmuslin · 17/03/2022 17:39

I wanted to check and see what you guys think of this..

I am an expat in a country in Central Europe that is accepting a lot of refugees from Ukraine. I have been helping as much as I can with donating what is needed etc but I would like to do more. I would go and help at one of the centres open here but I am a SAHM to two small boys so it's impossible. I am very keen to be a temporary host for the women and children arriving. They get here at all hours, have nothing, and often just need a warm bed, shower, meal and place to recuperate for s few days before moving on. I have a big house with all amenities for kids etc and can offer a room with own bathroom and want to help.

The problem is that my husband hates strange people in our house. We don't have a cleaner because he can't cope with the idea of it. He knows how I feel about the refugee crisis and said he is happy for me to give money etc but not our home. He is working abroad for the next month, would it be terrible of me to do this without him knowing? AIBU?? 🙈

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 17/03/2022 20:07

@tropicalmuslin

They would only stay for a night or two before moving on, then I would take in someone else who has just arrived. It is a service people are signing up to here if they can't commit to hosting anyone long term.
He has said he is uncomfortable with it but you are totally ignoring that. How would you feel if he did something you had asked him not to. Totally appalling.
Booboo24 · 17/03/2022 20:07

I also think he'd find out, there's no way you'd get away with it without him knowing

AngelinaFibres · 17/03/2022 20:09

@Momicrone

It's your home too, if he's not there, I don't see how it would hurt
Because you don't do things like this behind your husband's back when he has expressed concerns about it.
ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 17/03/2022 20:14

In my view, when one partner feels passionately about helping others or about a worthwhile cause, they should be able to go for it. It would be incredibly selfish of OPs husband to refuse even while he is away given the crisis and OPs views on it.

TheRealistBub · 17/03/2022 20:14

If he does not like strangers then you are being very unreasonable pushing into allowing strangers to be put under the same roof as his children.

tearinghairout · 17/03/2022 20:14

My DH doesn't like people staying in the house either, but I think he'd say yes if he wasn't going to be there. I would just keep it light, "Oh, by the way, I'm having some Ukrainian women and children here for a few days while you're away. They'll be gone before you get back. OK?" and he would say yes.

AngelinaFibres · 17/03/2022 20:17

@Circumferences

You'll need to be more assertive!

Why should his preference override yours?

He's away. Tell him it's your choice and he can suck it up. It won't affect him while he's away.

Do it. Tell him. Be firm. Lives are at stake.

And if the roles were reversed and her husband was going to fill the house with total strangers despite her being uncomfortable about it Would mumsnet be telling him to go for it, be more assertive , tell your wife to suck it up. Some of the replies on here are incredible.
ILoveAllRainbowsx · 17/03/2022 20:17

I would never have a cleaner exactly the same reasons as your husband.

Sorry I would never trust my husband again if he did this without me knowing.

AngelinaFibres · 17/03/2022 20:21

@tearinghairout

My DH doesn't like people staying in the house either, but I think he'd say yes if he wasn't going to be there. I would just keep it light, "Oh, by the way, I'm having some Ukrainian women and children here for a few days while you're away. They'll be gone before you get back. OK?" and he would say yes.
Hilarious
tearinghairout · 17/03/2022 20:27

AngelinaFibres how so? He would be indirectly helping people and keeping me happy without actually having to do anything himself. He'd like that.

Orchidsonthetable · 17/03/2022 20:30

I’d seriously consider ending my marriage if my husband decieved me like this. I’m aghast anyone would consider it and proclaim to love and respect their partner. Some peoples relationships must be beyond awful

Op if money is not an issue as you are saying, then get paid childcare and then go an work in the support centre like you’re claiming you’d like to do.

millytint44 · 17/03/2022 20:34

If they just need a few days respite and your husband's not going to be there, then I would do it, if I were you. I want to sign up to the UK scheme but my daughter doesn't want me to.

bubblegumunicorn · 17/03/2022 20:37

Definitely unreasonable. I totally get you wanting to help though but to keep it from him is not right just think as well if they don't move on and he comes home how would you explain it to him! You say it's just for a few nights but you never know what people will do once they are in your care they could easily outstay their welcome and then you've gone to all this effort to hide it from him and you then have to explain it to him anyway! Don't do it if he's not happy! Also you will be asking your children to lie too I know they're little but they could still drop the bomb about it.

sillysmiles · 17/03/2022 20:37

Even beyond the current crisis, living with someone who is so "doesn't like strangers in the house" is limiting when you are a SAHM. It really limits even bring another mum back for coffee etc.

I think you need to try explain to him how important this is to you, how restrictive on you his dictate is on you, and how little impact it will have on him.

Your other option is to tell him you are doing it - that on this you are over ridding him. But don't do it behind his back!

TheEarthIsNotFlat · 17/03/2022 20:40

It would be horrible to do this to your husband. It’s his home too and he’s expressed his wishes. How would you feel if he went behind your back like this?

Orchidsonthetable · 17/03/2022 20:53

@millytint44

If they just need a few days respite and your husband's not going to be there, then I would do it, if I were you. I want to sign up to the UK scheme but my daughter doesn't want me to.
Unless her kids can’t talk then she’s going to have to make them lie to their father so he doesn’t find out She’s saying basically money is no object,so she can pay for child care and volunteer in the centre like she’s claiming she’d like to do. Doesn’t seem keen though,,,
NewYearCalavicci · 17/03/2022 21:07

I think it would be very deceitful, as PP have said if the roles were reversed and a DW had said to her DH please dont do this but the DH did there would be absolute uproar on here ( quite rightly so )

Also depending on the age of OPs DCs how is she going to stop them from telling daddy about the new friend / strangers that stayed at there house .
What about the neighbours -
DN - hi Jim it was so good of you to take in them poor refuges
Jim - what !
DN - yes your DW had a mum and baby ( or several ) while you were away .

I cant see that ending well at all .

Thewindwhispers · 17/03/2022 21:19

Yes, it would be a big betrayal of trust. You both need to be in agreement about any changes that affect your home.

Surprised you’re even considering it.

cherish123 · 17/03/2022 21:29

YABU
It's very kind to want to help people. They may be in need and desperate but you don't know them. Most likely most refugees are lovely. It's fine if it was just you but you could potentially put your children at risk.

Stravaig · 17/03/2022 22:14

A contrary for view for you, OP!

I think it would permanently alter my feelings for my husband if he felt his quite extreme views about who can be present in our home took precedence over the desperate need of women and children fleeing war, especially as he won't even be there and won't be inconvenienced in any way.

I say this as a very private person, who carefully guards my home space against casual intrusions. Seeking refuge from war is different.

I'm swithering as to whether I'd go ahead and tell him afterwards, with apology for the subterfuge; or if I'd discuss it first, and throw him out if he refused. Either way, unless there are other factors you've not shared, I'd be hosting.

Orchidsonthetable · 18/03/2022 08:47

@Stravaig

A contrary for view for you, OP!

I think it would permanently alter my feelings for my husband if he felt his quite extreme views about who can be present in our home took precedence over the desperate need of women and children fleeing war, especially as he won't even be there and won't be inconvenienced in any way.

I say this as a very private person, who carefully guards my home space against casual intrusions. Seeking refuge from war is different.

I'm swithering as to whether I'd go ahead and tell him afterwards, with apology for the subterfuge; or if I'd discuss it first, and throw him out if he refused. Either way, unless there are other factors you've not shared, I'd be hosting.

Are you hosting? I’m guessing yes. I think throwing shame on people who don’t want to open their homes to strangers is not ok. The op can help in other ways.
PainterMummy · 18/03/2022 09:33

OP, I empathise with you. I’m an expat too, empty bedrooms plus I have Ukrainian blood via great grandparents. I so much want to take in some refugees. But my DH is a bit OCD, likes things just so or gets very anxious. I have not even raised it with him as I know it would be a definite no and would feel uncomfortable to tell me no. You need to respect your DH and continue to support relief efforts in other ways. Donations, food, making meals for refugee families near you etc.

Whatsmyname100 · 18/03/2022 10:11

@Stravaig

A contrary for view for you, OP!

I think it would permanently alter my feelings for my husband if he felt his quite extreme views about who can be present in our home took precedence over the desperate need of women and children fleeing war, especially as he won't even be there and won't be inconvenienced in any way.

I say this as a very private person, who carefully guards my home space against casual intrusions. Seeking refuge from war is different.

I'm swithering as to whether I'd go ahead and tell him afterwards, with apology for the subterfuge; or if I'd discuss it first, and throw him out if he refused. Either way, unless there are other factors you've not shared, I'd be hosting.

Do you not think HE gets a say about who is going to be living with his children? Hmm
Samarie123 · 18/03/2022 10:31

YABU

If your husband finds out and leaves you for it, then what?

I would be absolutely furious if I found out my partner had strangers in the house while I was away!

And yes I know you want to be charitable but it definitely has to be on both your terms or not at all

Orchidsonthetable · 18/03/2022 10:56

Do you not think HE gets a say about who is going to be living with his children

The poster also thinks the op should just throw her husband out thr marital home and end her marriage if he doesn’t allow her to take refugees in. 😂

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