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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my husband

78 replies

tropicalmuslin · 17/03/2022 17:39

I wanted to check and see what you guys think of this..

I am an expat in a country in Central Europe that is accepting a lot of refugees from Ukraine. I have been helping as much as I can with donating what is needed etc but I would like to do more. I would go and help at one of the centres open here but I am a SAHM to two small boys so it's impossible. I am very keen to be a temporary host for the women and children arriving. They get here at all hours, have nothing, and often just need a warm bed, shower, meal and place to recuperate for s few days before moving on. I have a big house with all amenities for kids etc and can offer a room with own bathroom and want to help.

The problem is that my husband hates strange people in our house. We don't have a cleaner because he can't cope with the idea of it. He knows how I feel about the refugee crisis and said he is happy for me to give money etc but not our home. He is working abroad for the next month, would it be terrible of me to do this without him knowing? AIBU?? 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
tropicalmuslin · 17/03/2022 18:18

Thank you all for the head wobble. It is what I needed. I think that I am struggling with the fact lots of people are putting people up in their tiny flats and making it work and I am sitting here in my big house with lots of spare rooms feeling guilty for not doing more. But I need to just find other ways and have more respect for my DH.

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 17/03/2022 18:20

I think you need to try to get your husband onboard and I would not do it without both agreeing to it but I think you are being very kind and thoughtful and try to reason with him for your reasons for helping. Maybe he is worried about you been in the house alone and with the kids and taking in strangers but if it is only women and children you are taking in but talk to him and see what he says. Giving donations to the centres is also a big help and it is great that you are helping out.

ATeddybearshortofaPicnic · 17/03/2022 18:20

Yes OP, don’t do this without your DH’s agreement, he would feel betrayed. I am the same about my home btw. I can’t cope with unexpected guests or visitors I haven’t met before in my space. I need my home to be my little sanctuary. You could ask your DH how he feels about you doing this while he’s away, but I think it’s likely he’ll still feel uncomfortable.

1forAll74 · 17/03/2022 18:22

You do need to have your Husband on board for this, even though he might be away at the time. Time scales might alter,with the time spent with different people arriving.. Its great if you could do all this on your own. and be able to cope with people who will all have differing problems to cope with now..But it's great if you have a large home that can make things a lot better for people to come into.

Momicrone · 17/03/2022 18:25

It's your home too, if he's not there, I don't see how it would hurt

Orchidsonthetable · 17/03/2022 18:30

@Momicrone

It's your home too, if he's not there, I don't see how it would hurt
Seriously?
Babadook76 · 17/03/2022 18:35

@DorothyZbornakIsAQueen

What's the issue if he isn't even there?
The issue is that it’s his home too and he doesn’t want strangers in it? If he doesn’t even want a cleaner in it then I’d imagine he’d be pretty furious if the op opened her home for an unknown number of strangers who are going to be living there with his children. I think this is edging into LTB territory with the lack of respect and consideration
HopefulProcrastinator · 17/03/2022 18:42

YABU. I'd honestly divorce my husband if he did this. It would be a complete betrayal of trust and show his lack of respect for my feelings.

Thankfully we see eye to eye on strangers in our home so any potential betrayal would have to be something else

Cocomarine · 17/03/2022 18:50

I don’t see why the only option is not to do it.
I’d speak to him - you’re not here, why is it an issue? It’s your home too 🤷🏻‍♀️

Briony123 · 17/03/2022 18:50

Ask him once more and if he says no again then, instead, pay a local B&B for the service you would have provided.

iheartmybeachhut · 17/03/2022 18:53

Yabvu to even think of doing this. It's a massive betrayal to your dh in many ways. I would divorce dh if he did this behind my back whether I was at home or not.
What happens if your 'lodgers' don't move out in the time frame, refuse to leave or worse still announce that other family members want to join them in your home?
The number of people on here who complain about family staying over is incredible so why would they take in complete strangers?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 17/03/2022 18:54

I do not think you can do this behind his back.
But, equally, I do not see why his wish not to have strangers in his home is more important than your wish to help.
Especially since you have identified a way to help while he is not at home.
My DH would also find it very difficult to have long-term house guests but I think he would manage occasional nights and would certainly be ok with me hosting when he wasn’t even on the premises. I think hosting while he is away is a compromise that’s worth discussing.

fourandnomore · 17/03/2022 19:09

I think it’s such a lovely idea though and I think definitely worth talking to him about to explain why you want to do it and see how he feels if he’s not there. It’s totally different than normal circumstances of people coming to stay but as others have said, the impact on your children (both positive and potentially negative given what the people who would be staying with you are going through) also needs to be considered.

Chloemol · 17/03/2022 19:13

Ask him if he is happy to do this whilst he is away, he won’t know who they are

needmoreshinys · 17/03/2022 19:17

I am not sure if it would work (and if you have the money) but would you be able to sponsor people to stay in a hotel or Air Bnb?

TillyTopper · 17/03/2022 19:40

I would deceive my husband like that. It's a big breach of trust if he doesn't like strangers in your home.

Ridingoutthewaves · 17/03/2022 19:47

Do it

Joolsin · 17/03/2022 19:51

I wouldn't deceive him, but I think he's being very unreasonable to refuse this when he won't even be in the house. Fair enough (although weird and anti-social!) if he doesn't want strangers in the house when he's there, but if he's away for a month, I don't think he should try and dictate what you do when he's not there.

GettingItOutThere · 17/03/2022 19:52

@ChimpMcGarvey

You would allow a number of complete strangers to stay in your house with your two very young children, over the course of a month, and you propose to keep this information from your DH?

That’s so deceptive, I don’t know where to start, you must have no respect for him at all.

this ^

not with young children would i have strangers in my home anyhow - especially behind my husbands back!

Circumferences · 17/03/2022 19:52

You'll need to be more assertive!

Why should his preference override yours?

He's away. Tell him it's your choice and he can suck it up. It won't affect him while he's away.

Do it. Tell him. Be firm. Lives are at stake.

Mydogmylife · 17/03/2022 19:54

@Momicrone

It's your home too, if he's not there, I don't see how it would hurt
Honestly you don't see a problem here?
Schwarz · 17/03/2022 19:55

@Circumferences

You'll need to be more assertive!

Why should his preference override yours?

He's away. Tell him it's your choice and he can suck it up. It won't affect him while he's away.

Do it. Tell him. Be firm. Lives are at stake.

Why does her preference override his? Why does he need to suck it up?

Genuinely that's ridiculous!

Wrenna · 17/03/2022 19:56

I wouldn’t, no way. How would you feel if he did something you didn’t agree to and lied about it? Besides the fact, he’ll find out!!

Eloise666 · 17/03/2022 20:00

Yabu

Booboo24 · 17/03/2022 20:06

I completely understand why you want to do this, but I agree, it's a huge betrayal of his trust.

If I were you I'd look into maybe funding accommodation instead.