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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only just be realising? Or am I being too sensitive?

57 replies

daffodilsunlocked · 17/03/2022 11:26

I really need some advice and clarity I guess?

I had been in an on-off relationship with my recent ex-DP for 3 years now but recently ended things for good - no going back.

Since day 1, there were many red flags (I believe) that unfortunately I did not acknowledge.

He would get drunk (regularly) and then send me verbally abusive text messages. When sober, he would then apologise and tell me it was "just the drink" and that he didn't think these things of me, blah blah.

Bit of a backstory, he hasn't worked for a long time, 18 yrs older than me, and gets pretty jealous of my success and financial status (not rich by any means but work hard to buy nice things for me and my 3 x DC).

I guess it's only now that things have ended for good, I'm wondering if I may have been victim/subject to abuse in some way. Some of the text messages are below...

"Things must change fatty, you will pay"
"You don't bother with me sexually, those stockings may as well be in the fucking bin"
"We're finished, I will never be with you again fatty"
"Ha ha you're fat and stumpy and the gym won't help that"

These are a small few of many

I had 2 x Xmas works parties back in 2021, each one I was just getting messages telling me I was probably "all over other men in my slag-dress"! He would get a sulk on when I would not meet him at the pub when he wanted me to, when I would not give him lifts (I drive, he doesn't), he calls me materialistic and tight when I've refused to lend him money...

This list is pretty endless

I have been made to feel sorry for him and therefore guilty over the years as he is on his own, family not really about and he was really good with my DC which he would thrown back at me all the time.

I consider myself pretty wise yet my head is completely battered now in wondering whether this has in fact been a form of abuse, or whether these have just been daft, drunken messages and I may just be being a little sensitive?

OP posts:
TotallyFloored · 17/03/2022 11:29

Abuse. No question.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 17/03/2022 11:37

@TotallyFloored SadSad

OP posts:
TigerMTV · 17/03/2022 11:45

Abuse. Well done for getting rid of him. Ideally you need the high standards you set for yourself elsewhere in life … to be equally high in your choice of partner.

HollowTalk · 17/03/2022 11:46

He sounds absolutely horrible! Was he living with you?

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 17/03/2022 11:50

@HollowTalk fortunately not, no! He would disrespect my home too, do things I would tell him not to, like keep his shoes on all through the house, even in my bedroom ConfusedSad

OP posts:
Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 17/03/2022 11:50

Thing is, I done something really bad in November and he's not long found out - I shagged one of his friends (well, not a good friend as such, more of just a guy he knows from the pub and would sit with occasionally).

He has told me I have destroyed him and that things will "now become unpleasant..."

I have had to contact the Police again as he is extremely unpredictable, volatile and always declares he "has nothing to lose"

OP posts:
TedMullins · 17/03/2022 11:50

definitely abuse, and even if he hadn't send those vile messages I can't fathom what was appealing about an unemployed layabout nearly two decades older than you?!

TibetanTerrah · 17/03/2022 11:51

Its a hell of a shock when you finally realise Flowers

Please don't go back. Whatever "good" you kept going back to over 3 years wasn't real. He's a nasty little waster and an abuser.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 17/03/2022 11:53

@TibetanTerrah tbh I'm just so angry with myself that it's only now, after all this time, I'm only just seeing this for what it was/is BlushSad

OP posts:
DoubleGauze · 17/03/2022 11:55

Just ask yourself if you would speak to someone you're supposed to care about like that and you'll have your answer.

CounsellorTroi · 17/03/2022 11:57

Abuse. Well done on getting rid of him.

TibetanTerrah · 17/03/2022 11:58

That feeling will pass. This is all on him. He chose to treat you like dirt. A short period of chastising yourself is OK because it will make you aware of red flags sooner in the future, but always remember that this is on him

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 17/03/2022 11:58

He is a narcissist, with possible psychopathic tendencies, how utterly vile of him to say those things to you! This is not normal. He sounds like my ex, is he called Steve? lol. Get rid and block him.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 17/03/2022 12:00

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash OMG yes he is HmmShock

OP posts:
incognitoforthisone · 17/03/2022 12:05

Fucking hell, OF COURSE that's abuse.

'I was drunk' is not an excuse. Most people, when drunk, do not send vile, abusive messages to their partners. And if alcohol really does affect someone in that way (which I think is actually highly unlikely) then they need to stop drinking.

You were in a relationship with a horrible, horrible man and I'm very glad it's now over. You're a million times better than him.

If I seem a bit invested in this, it's because I had a relationship (many years ago now) that was extremely similar to this. Awful behaviour when drunk, bitter about me being more successful, insults about my appearance and accusations of infidelity whenever I socialised without him - even the age gap was about the same. When I look back now, it seems insane, and even at the time I knew it was awful, but I think we sort of suppress it somehow while it's happening.

Getting rid of this man is the best thing you could have done, and I wish you every happiness in the world now that he's gone.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 17/03/2022 12:07

@incognitoforthisone Oh God yours wasn't a 'Steve' too was he?! Hmm So sorry you have experienced this too, just started reading Lalalaletmeexplain book and it's really relatable Daffodil

OP posts:
Beamur · 17/03/2022 12:08

Abusive men usually start off being nice.. it's easy to slide into an abusive relationship without realising it.
He sounds deeply unpleasant and you are best off without him.
Don't give yourself a hard time but maybe ensure you're in a better place before you start seeing anyone else

tcjotm · 17/03/2022 12:09

Not remotely too sensitive, those messages are horrific from someone who supposedly loves you. They’re horrific from anyone! I cannot imagine anyone saying/typing something like that to me. And it’s not like I had a fairytale life, I grew up with drunken screaming fights. But no one ever crossed the line into nasty personal attacks like that. He’s vile.

NoFriendsNoEnemies · 17/03/2022 12:17

God no he’s a hideous individual and you’re well rid.

And fortunately as you don’t have children with him you need never engage with him again. Ever.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 17/03/2022 12:28

Thank you for the MN support guys, unfortunately as I say these are probably 10% only of these types of messages over the course of 3 years BlushSad

How could I have literally been so pathetic?? SadBlushSad

OP posts:
DoubleGauze · 17/03/2022 12:36

If you're pathetic then so am I op.

The reality of it is that we were victims of abuse. Make this day one for you. Learn about abuse , take lots of time alone. Realise that you deserve better.

beastlyslumber · 17/03/2022 12:50

I'm so sorry you were the victim of this abusive man. Things will get better now Flowers

implantreplace · 17/03/2022 12:51

* Bit of a backstory, he hasn't worked for a long time, 18 yrs older than me, and gets pretty jealous of my success and financial status (not rich by any means but work hard to buy nice things for me and my 3 x DC).*

I have to ask
What first attracted you to a man such as this to such an extent to bring him in to the lives of your three children?

SisterRuth · 17/03/2022 12:53

Of course it's abuse!

Whalewhisperer · 17/03/2022 12:56

X