To only just be realising? Or am I being too sensitive?

[daffodilsunlocked]

I really need some advice and clarity I guess?

I had been in an on-off relationship with my recent ex-DP for 3 years now but recently ended things for good - no going back.

Since day 1, there were many red flags (I believe) that unfortunately I did not acknowledge.

He would get drunk (regularly) and then send me verbally abusive text messages. When sober, he would then apologise and tell me it was "just the drink" and that he didn't think these things of me, blah blah.

Bit of a backstory, he hasn't worked for a long time, 18 yrs older than me, and gets pretty jealous of my success and financial status (not rich by any means but work hard to buy nice things for me and my 3 x DC).

I guess it's only now that things have ended for good, I'm wondering if I may have been victim/subject to abuse in some way. Some of the text messages are below...

"Things must change fatty, you will pay"
"You don't bother with me sexually, those stockings may as well be in the fucking bin"
"We're finished, I will never be with you again fatty"
"Ha ha you're fat and stumpy and the gym won't help that"

These are a small few of many

I had 2 x Xmas works parties back in 2021, each one I was just getting messages telling me I was probably "all over other men in my slag-dress"! He would get a sulk on when I would not meet him at the pub when he wanted me to, when I would not give him lifts (I drive, he doesn't), he calls me materialistic and tight when I've refused to lend him money...

This list is pretty endless

I have been made to feel sorry for him and therefore guilty over the years as he is on his own, family not really about and he was really good with my DC which he would thrown back at me all the time.

I consider myself pretty wise yet my head is completely battered now in wondering whether this has in fact been a form of abuse, or whether these have just been daft, drunken messages and I may just be being a little sensitive?

If you feel that you are in immediate danger, call 999. If not, you can call them again because the threats are escalating/continuing.

However, on the positive side, all this foul behaviour and messages is giving plenty of evidence to arrest and prosecute him. So let them come, don't respond, just let him keep providing evidence of threats of violence, abuse and harassment.

@NeverDropYourMooncup thank you 🙏 And this is exactly why I have not blocked him, I want as much as I can for the Police to go on

Counselling and your own esteem. I used to think men that were lovely were whimps but I grew up with verbal abuse and being told I wasn’t good enough. Although love bombing is a red flag too

Hi - oh no, so sorry to hear what you've been going through. Sounds awful. Sounds like he piled on the charm to draw you in, but then showed his true colours. That's the problem with abusers - in between the horrible behaviour there's lots of charm...

Firstly, no-one is perfect, and because we see our own flaws very clearly, when we see flaws in others we try to be forgiving. But a line must be drawn - especially when things cross over into abuse.

Well done for eventually seeing his behaviour for what it is, and getting out. Don't feel tempted to go back though. You must move forward, and don't look back. I truly hope you find someone that is deserving of you.

Honesty, I've never been particularly concerned until now, I truly think I may be killed by him

Block him OP. He is unlikely to do anything, tu you don’t need the worry. That is one of the first things the police are likely to advise. You have plenty of evidence.
If he turns up call 999.

Take care.

Bloody hell OP, this is absolute abuse. Ignore him, report anything he sends to you and keep yourself safe.

Your boundaries are so fucked up, I mean this so kindly but please please please don't get yourself into any more relationships until you have sorted this aspect of your life. You need to look after yourself and your children. When I split with my childrens' dad I promised myself that I would never subject them to another man in their lives while they were small and vulnerable. My children are grown now and I've been single for a long time and I love it more every day. I always think of myself as having low self esteem but I would not tolerate even one message like the ones you have posted here. Not for a fucking second. It wouldn't even upset me as I can see so clearly that it's not about you, it's about him and the fact that he clearly knows he is an absolute loser so he wants to drag you down enough that you won't leave him. Fucking prick. Get independent sweetheart, you are worth a hundred of him