To only just be realising? Or am I being too sensitive?

[daffodilsunlocked]

I really need some advice and clarity I guess?

I had been in an on-off relationship with my recent ex-DP for 3 years now but recently ended things for good - no going back.

Since day 1, there were many red flags (I believe) that unfortunately I did not acknowledge.

He would get drunk (regularly) and then send me verbally abusive text messages. When sober, he would then apologise and tell me it was "just the drink" and that he didn't think these things of me, blah blah.

Bit of a backstory, he hasn't worked for a long time, 18 yrs older than me, and gets pretty jealous of my success and financial status (not rich by any means but work hard to buy nice things for me and my 3 x DC).

I guess it's only now that things have ended for good, I'm wondering if I may have been victim/subject to abuse in some way. Some of the text messages are below...

"Things must change fatty, you will pay"
"You don't bother with me sexually, those stockings may as well be in the fucking bin"
"We're finished, I will never be with you again fatty"
"Ha ha you're fat and stumpy and the gym won't help that"

These are a small few of many

I had 2 x Xmas works parties back in 2021, each one I was just getting messages telling me I was probably "all over other men in my slag-dress"! He would get a sulk on when I would not meet him at the pub when he wanted me to, when I would not give him lifts (I drive, he doesn't), he calls me materialistic and tight when I've refused to lend him money...

This list is pretty endless

I have been made to feel sorry for him and therefore guilty over the years as he is on his own, family not really about and he was really good with my DC which he would thrown back at me all the time.

I consider myself pretty wise yet my head is completely battered now in wondering whether this has in fact been a form of abuse, or whether these have just been daft, drunken messages and I may just be being a little sensitive?

@implantreplace Honestly? I couldn't say, but what I guess I could say is that my ex-DH (DC father) passed away 6 months previous, I guess I was feeling lonely His intelligence is astounding, truly the most academically intelligent guy I have ever known but unfortunately he wasted that intelligence by not wanting to work

send me verbally abusive text messages

Even one abusive text message is too many. Well done on finally (sic) putting a stop to this. I'd encourage you to have a look at the Freedom Programme

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

[quote daffodilsunlocked]@implantreplace Honestly? I couldn't say, but what I guess I could say is that my ex-DH (DC father) passed away 6 months previous, I guess I was feeling lonely His intelligence is astounding, truly the most academically intelligent guy I have ever known but unfortunately he wasted that intelligence by not wanting to work [/quote]
The getting drunk, the verbal abuse, the not wanting to work and Ive read your other thread about him letting you down on new year

There doesn’t seem to be anything redeeming about him.

Remove him from your life and your childrens. Presumably they’ve had a traumatic experience losing their father.

Time for some family time. You. And th

And them

God he sounds awful, well done for seeing the light and I hope all his threats remain just that.

Why waste time with a man who doesn't work, or did he have a very good reason, like being signed off.

Yes it's textbook abuse. Revolting man. Never ever go back, he won't change.

Do the Freedom programme.

I know this may sound really stupid of me, but in between these occasions, he could be so so sweet - is this me being really fucking stupid saying that?

Read about the abuse cycle op.

@DoubleGauze OMG I just have, wow, this was exactly him

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

He is a narcissist, with possible psychopathic tendencies, how utterly vile of him to say those things to you! This is not normal. He sounds like my ex, is he called Steve? lol. Get rid and block him.

Hoping that none of these Steves live in Wales 😂 I had one too 😢

Awww the "Steve" seriously never met a good one compared notes with dds nursery teacher her abusive ex was called Steve my friend had an ex called Steve too also highly abusive and all three nasty to there own children

Never EVER get involved with a 70s/80s Steve

He sounds like an utter moron.
And you were together a few years?!?
Good grief.

@Northernsoullover @Theunamedcat oh no!! Must be something in their name!! Though this one is a '60s Steve!!

@daffodilsunlocked that's the irony with abusive people op. They're ridiculously predictable and similar , yet they think they're so special and unique.

Well done on getting shot of this old codger.

I think you would benefit enormously from the Freedom programme which teaches you about all aspects of domestic abuse. You can do it online. You will recognise him!! Good luck!

@daffodilsunlocked

I know this may sound really stupid of me, but in between these occasions, he could be so so sweet - is this me being really fucking stupid saying that?

It's not stupid of you at all.

That is how abusers work. They mess with your head because they can be so lovely some of the time. It is deliberate. If they were a total bastard all the time, then nobody would stay in a relationship with them.

You are a victim in all this. It's not your fault.

Just to give you guys an update. I had an interview with the Police on Monday and the officer was absolutely great, actually told me she had suffered similar from an ex-husband so was very empathetic.
As predicted though, Wednesday came (when he gets his benefit money and spends it on alcohol) and the nasty abusive and threatening texts came flooding in, the worst ones to date...some examples (to quote):
"Let things die down and we see what happens to you"
"Nothing to lose so see what happens, I'm very serious..."
"So where did he cum, all over your fat arse and sausage legs..."
"You thick, fat cunt..."

:( I have called the Police again today and spoke to a different officer who ALSO said she was a victim of this from an ex-DP, what is wrong with these bloody men? :( Now waiting on a call back and them coming out to me hopefully this evening.

Well done for contacting the police.

I hope they take this very seriously.

He sounds like complete scum.

I really need advice here as I really don't know what to do

I had to contact Police again, but they've now said they can't see me to take statement until next Wednesday, and I am being met with subliminal threats to do me in now from him, I'm sat here in tears on my bed as I feel like the Police have just brushed this all off and he keeps texting and texting me