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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh lack of baby enthusiasm

56 replies

practicallyperfect55 · 17/03/2022 07:37

I want to prefix this by saying dh is overall a great husband. He's supportive and helpful and I love him dearly so no LTB comments please. We've been really busy recently with some major home renovations which he has taken the lead on as I'm 35 weeks pregnant. He has no kids and I have 2 from a previous relationship. This pregnancy was discussed and wanted by us both.

Dh has no clue about babies having had none of his own and being an only child so no babies in wider family. He has expressed concerns over not knowing what to do, how to hold them, how to dress them or even how to put a nappy on. I've said many times I will show him but it's never the right time. I've also encouraged him to read certain books which he says he will but again he's usually always too tired at the end of the day. He's only been to one scan with me due to work commitments and covid. Sometimes I will say oh the baby's moving have a feel, and he'll put his hand there for a few seconds and say can't feel anything. He just doesn't seem very enthusiastic.

Yesterday I offered to show him the nappy again but it wasn't the right time and I admit I did get a bit wound up as we are so close to due date now and I think if not now then when? I was quite upset (pregnancy hormones as well) and we haven't spoken much since. He has a lot on his plate but aibu to expect a bit more effort for one of the most important things that will happen in his life? I've told him I won't offer again and he can learn himself which was childish I know.

OP posts:
MangshorJhol · 17/03/2022 07:39

Honestly neither DH nor I had ever changed a nappy or read a book till we had a baby. I didn’t know we had to read a book. We just learned on the job as many many parents do.
DH has also never tried to feel kicks or anything. He’s a great hands on dad though and a thoroughly equal parent.
I don’t think he needs preparatory classes to being a parent. How is he with your other two children?

MangshorJhol · 17/03/2022 07:40

I mean we had obviously read books but not a parenting book!

fishonabicycle · 17/03/2022 07:41

Wait til your baby is here - there is no way I would have been interested in a stand alone nappy either. My husband didn't come to any pre baby stuff at all (to be honest, I didn't either). It's not interesting to everyone. He will love his child when it arrives.

GeneLovesJezebel · 17/03/2022 07:44

My DH didn’t read any books. He learnt on the job !
Don’t make anything of it, just let it go.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 17/03/2022 07:44

Until it is actually here it won't feel real yet ime!! I had dc and my dh had never even held a baby! He struggles with reading so never read a book! I went back to work pt when dc was 10 weeks and he became a sahp! Very very hands on! Ime also you know the ropes... He is bricking it!!
Grin

Whitefire · 17/03/2022 07:45

Pregnancy is too abstract for a lot of men, it is very different once the baby arrives.

Mindymomo · 17/03/2022 07:46

He probably feels anxious and worried and is dealing with everything as best as he can. We never know how our partners are going to be until baby arrives. My DH and I had many an argument later stages of pregnancy and after the birth, but luckily we both put it down to stressing about everything.

Lsquiggles · 17/03/2022 07:47

He's clearly nervous and feeling a bit inadequate as he doesn't know what he's doing, no excuse for not reading a book when he has a bit of free time though. My dp and I had never held a baby, changed a baby etc until our DD was born and you pick it up very quickly. Can you put aside an hour/half hour a day to look through books/videos etc you want him to look at and discuss them together so he doesn't feel like he's the only one who needs educating?

Lsquiggles · 17/03/2022 07:49

When I was pregnant I ordered my dp the commando dad book which is small and gives straight forward tips on all the basics in short chapters, you can get it on amazon, maybe worth a try?

ThinWomansBrain · 17/03/2022 07:49

@MangshorJhol

I mean we had obviously read books but not a parenting book!
that gave me visions of a couple studying a motorbike repair manual diligently in preparation for changing a nappy GrinGrinGrin
GregBrawlsInDogJail · 17/03/2022 07:50

It's not a highly complex skill which takes a lot of time and practice to learn; it's a nappy. Anyone who isn't a complete idiot works it out in thirty seconds when they have an actual baby who needs changed in front of them.

I did read the stupid books and changed the stupid doll at NCT class, and all of it was useless. I had to learn on the job, with my specific baby.

girlmom21 · 17/03/2022 07:53

Have you not taken him to antenatal classes?

The midwives will show him in the hospital. Encourage him to do the first few changes.

londonrach · 17/03/2022 07:53

Wait till baby is here. Didn't read a single pregnancy book. Once DD was here DH who said before he wasn't going to change any nappies pretty much stepped up and changed nappies if DD needed them even poo nappies.

Original poster
practicallyperfect55 · 17/03/2022 07:53

Thank you all I did suspect I was maybe being a bit sensitive Blush

He will learn when baby arrives it's just that he has expressed worries about not knowing anything and when I've offered to show him he never seems to have the time or interest.

Like pp said, pregnancy is quite abstract but he will get a wake up call when baby arrives.

OP posts:
Abcdefu · 17/03/2022 07:54

We did a free online course by thr baby academy think was 2 hours on a Saturday morning went through nappy changes,bathing,dressing and safe sleep. Was worth a watch

LetItGoHome · 17/03/2022 07:54

My husband took very little interest in either of my pregnancies. He didn't bond with our unborn babies at all.
He came in to his own as soon as they were born. He even delivered our second as she came so speedily! And has gotten stuck in since. They are now 6 & 10 and he does at least 50% share of the caring roll, if not more. They are extremely close.
I think it's very common for men to struggle to bond with a pregnant tummy and sometimes a very tiny baby too. It's easy for us as the baby is part of us for that time. I would keep talking about the changes you are feeling and going through but dial down the pressure a tad. The feelings for him will develop over time once your little one arrives xx

NameChanger45465465 · 17/03/2022 07:56

There is no point teaching him to change a nappy now. Wait until baby is here.

Many mums and dads aunties and uncles have never changed a nappy until they need to. It's not rocket science and he will figure it out !

I do think it's extremely hard for men in the pregnancy stage. They are expected to feel the same as mum without feeling the baby, body preparing itself ect x

Congratulations op, your DP will be fine !

livelyredjellybean · 17/03/2022 07:58

I’d held one baby once and never changed a nappy until my DD arrived - I’m now onto No2 and they’re both still upright (most of the time). Don’t panic! He’ll learn 🙂

Brefugee · 17/03/2022 08:02

I had literally never held a baby for more than 5 minutes, changed a nappy, fed, dressed bathed or otherwise interacted with a baby until i had my first. I didn't play with dolls.

It was fine.

11stonesomething · 17/03/2022 08:04

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Seraphinesupport · 17/03/2022 08:16

to be honest not many men would change a nappy or get the kid dressed even if they know how too so i would wait til baby is here to see how he really is.

TinySaltLick · 17/03/2022 08:21

I wouldn't worry about it too much.
Irrespective of preparation baby 1 is a baptism of fire so I am sure he will have learned the ropes within a few days.

As above just need to set the scene so he isn't opting out from day 1 as you have previous baby experience, you will need to give him the time and space to learn and not just turn the whole thing into a lecture

LadyMacduff · 17/03/2022 08:24

I wouldn't have been interested in learning about nappies either. You pick it up as you go.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/03/2022 08:24

I was a bit upset with my dh when he didn’t seem excited about my first pregnancy and didn’t seem particularly interested. We were living in the Middle East and I had to come home to have her (local hospital was dire) and he calmly expected not to see the baby until I returned after the 6 week check.

In the event he got on a plane after a week, and has always been the most fantastic dad to our dds - and now a grandpa too.

Please try not to worry, OP!

Deliaskis · 17/03/2022 08:24

@11stonesomething

Hes worried, but also you 'showing him' is maybe a little inbalanced. Id step back a d when baby is here let him do his share and say give me a shout it you arent sure about anything. He will either work it out, read the book or get on utube or ask for your help.

Given your experience you could end up with an inbalance of you doing everything because he has it in his head he is inferior or is doing it all wrong so won't do any of it.

Id be tempted to stop pushing. But i do understand you feeling a little sad.

He maybe is overwhelmed with impending responsibility and wants everything perfect before baby comes. And
Actually you dont care about that stuff and just need a bloody cuddle x

I suspect this imbalance might be most of the problem. Nobody really wants to be shown how to change a nappy or dress their child, and for many couples, they have their first child together and learn and make mistakes as they go along. It might be that he feels a bit inadequate and as if you're going to be the competent baby expert and he'll just be hanging around being not very useful.

I think when baby arrives he'll be fine, but I'd try and back off from suggesting that you can show him how to do things. He can figure most things out and ask for help if he needs it.

I think it's also OK to acknowledge that he might just feel odd about you having done all this before, emotionally as well as practically etc. For him it's the biggest and newest thing ever, for you it's the third time over. That's probably quite hard for him in some ways. I know I would have felt all sorts of complicated things if DH had had a baby that was not his first.... like I had to play catch up or be instantly brilliant or whatever.

In short.... this is something you are experiencing together, but it doesn't mean your experience is the same.