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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh lack of baby enthusiasm

56 replies

practicallyperfect55 · 17/03/2022 07:37

I want to prefix this by saying dh is overall a great husband. He's supportive and helpful and I love him dearly so no LTB comments please. We've been really busy recently with some major home renovations which he has taken the lead on as I'm 35 weeks pregnant. He has no kids and I have 2 from a previous relationship. This pregnancy was discussed and wanted by us both.

Dh has no clue about babies having had none of his own and being an only child so no babies in wider family. He has expressed concerns over not knowing what to do, how to hold them, how to dress them or even how to put a nappy on. I've said many times I will show him but it's never the right time. I've also encouraged him to read certain books which he says he will but again he's usually always too tired at the end of the day. He's only been to one scan with me due to work commitments and covid. Sometimes I will say oh the baby's moving have a feel, and he'll put his hand there for a few seconds and say can't feel anything. He just doesn't seem very enthusiastic.

Yesterday I offered to show him the nappy again but it wasn't the right time and I admit I did get a bit wound up as we are so close to due date now and I think if not now then when? I was quite upset (pregnancy hormones as well) and we haven't spoken much since. He has a lot on his plate but aibu to expect a bit more effort for one of the most important things that will happen in his life? I've told him I won't offer again and he can learn himself which was childish I know.

OP posts:

PutinsMicropenis · 17/03/2022 08:27

Ah bless him, just wait til the baby arrives. Me and DH were young when we had DD (think DH was 23!), he'd never held a baby before but took to it all like a duck to water. Didn't show a huge amount of interest before she was born but he was probably shitting himself to be honest. 12 years on he has been a star dad all the way through and DD is a proper daddy's girl.

Picklerickflag · 17/03/2022 08:28

I think what people are saying is right but.....

MN is also full of people in relationships with men who do absolutely fuck all with their kids and when they look back, the warnings signs were there from the start.

If you can, get a moment when it's quiet and calmly explain to him that you expect him to step up as an equal parent when the baby arrives. It's not all being dumped on your doorstep with 'not knowing how' being used as an excuse to get out of it.

MargosKaftan · 17/03/2022 08:30

Dh was excited, but was very much "its up to you" about everything- eg birth plans, what pram, cot, which way to feed etc. It really helped to go to NCT classes, we did an intensive weekend course, and after the first day driving home he was suddenly full of ideas and questions.

As its your 3rd, your probably didn't think to book antenatal classes, but it might be a good idea for your DH to go through that as he would do if it was a 1st for you both. Apart from anything else, it'll give you a group who are all having babies of a similar age.

Confrontayshunme · 17/03/2022 08:30

My DH is a wonderful, involved Dad who researches everything to a ridiculous degree, but even he said "it is useless to learn about practical baby stuff until the baby is here". He was a nappy expert by about Day 3 after baby was born. Let him learn just like you did with your oldest 2 kids or you will end up shutting down his relationship and doing all the work yourself. He deserves on-the-job learning just like you have had before.

Doratheexploret · 17/03/2022 08:33

@GeneLovesJezebel

My DH didn’t read any books. He learnt on the job ! Don’t make anything of it, just let it go.

This!

We’ve got 4 kids. My DH is a brilliant dad however he wasn’t overly interested in the pregnancies. It takes minutes to learn how to put a nappy on and get a baby dressed. You don’t need to practice and you’re probably making him feel like a child trying to show him. Babies are probably less real to dads until they are actually here.

Rosesareyellow · 17/03/2022 08:38

I think the issue is partly that you already have children and he doesn’t, so you’re kind of setting yourself up as the experienced expert while he’s feeling just as a new parent to a new born would. You trying to ‘teach’ him things just sounds a bit patronising to be honest. As pp have said you can learn as you go and grow into your parenting role. No one showed me how to change a nappy. No one showed my DH either, but he was the first one to do it and just went for it and figured it out.

AngelinaFibres · 17/03/2022 08:40

@practicallyperfect55

Thank you all I did suspect I was maybe being a bit sensitive

He will learn when baby arrives it's just that he has expressed worries about not knowing anything and when I've offered to show him he never seems to have the time or interest.

Like pp said, pregnancy is quite abstract but he will get a wake up call when baby arrives.

You have a huge advantage over him and he knows it. You have 2 children already and so you can do this in your sleep. Is he the sort of man who likes to be in charge, to mansplain from a position of slightly greater knowledge than you. If so then could he be struggling with the fact that ,in this, you are the alpha.

Riseholme · 17/03/2022 08:44

I bought this book for a friend.
It's pocket size and easy to read.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 17/03/2022 08:47

My DH was like this, but was besotted with DD once she was born and keen to do half the baby care (albeit not half the laundry 😠)

I recommend "your baby week by week" for him to read when the baby is here as he only needs to read a few pages each week.

By the way it did make me sad, I sympathise.

OfstedOffred · 17/03/2022 08:51

DH and I didn't read any books!

Changing nappies really isnt rocket science. I hadnt changed any before DS. You soon learn if you are getting it a bit wrong.

It's quite normal for the father to not really get into it all until the baby actually arrives.

GandTfortea · 17/03/2022 08:54

We never practiced putting nappies on things ,before we had our kids .
Your running the risk of creating issues that aren’t there
You need to leave of hassling him
It’s really not difficult putting a nappy on ,most parents seem to muddle through,and he will too.
Definitely lay of fussing about it

Branster · 17/03/2022 08:57

I didn't even know what a nappy looked like before giving birth. Neither DH or me had any clue whatsoever about babies and this is with planned pregnancies.
Let him be, he'll figure it out.
Zero requirement to know the ins and outs. Just make sure you buy some reserves of everything and let him get on with it.

PaddlingLikeADuck · 17/03/2022 08:57

Teaching him how to put a nappy on?
How to hold a baby?
How to dress a baby?

Really?

As much as NCT and similar companies would lead you to believe this form of education is absolutely vital it really isn’t.

But anyhow - don’t stress over this.

My husband wasn’t interested in feeling my bump for either of my pregnancies and he is the most amazing dad.

Just leave him to figure it out - just like you had to.

AwkwardPaws27 · 17/03/2022 08:59

@girlmom21

Have you not taken him to antenatal classes?

The midwives will show him in the hospital. Encourage him to do the first few changes.

Many trusts still aren't running any classes due to covid (I'm 29 weeks and waiting to hear if they'll reinstate them here before baby arrives!).

EthelTheAardvark · 17/03/2022 09:00

Yesterday I offered to show him the nappy again but it wasn't the right time and I admit I did get a bit wound up as we are so close to due date now and I think if not now then when?

It takes one minute to learn how to put a nappy on. Chill.

Rosesareyellow · 17/03/2022 09:00

Is he the sort of man who likes to be in charge, to mansplain from a position of slightly greater knowledge than you. If so then could he be struggling with the fact that ,in this, you are the alpha.

I don’t think this is a fair statement. I think it’s very human to feel like you can’t take charge or feel in the know when someone else has more experience than you and makes that very clear to you. I’m a good cook - but my SIL is an amazing professional chef. If someone asked us to organise a meal together probably would not feel like an equal or that I could take an equal share of the reigns… even more so if she started trying to teach me how basic common sense aspects of cooking should be done and giving me cooking manuals that I didn’t ask for to read beforehand as a further hint that she doesn’t have much faith in my natural cooking skills or ability to pick up basic skills. There is definitely a different power balance when someone makes a big thing, whether intentionally or not (I don’t think the OP means to be patronising but I think she has been) of being more experienced.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/03/2022 09:05

@EthelTheAardvark

Yesterday I offered to show him the nappy again but it wasn't the right time and I admit I did get a bit wound up as we are so close to due date now and I think if not now then when?

It takes one minute to learn how to put a nappy on. Chill.

This. My dh hadn’t a clue about any of it (there were no classes to attend for either pregnancy) but he soon learned. And with my first at least, it was the big old terry nappies folded into the kite shape.

GnomeDePlume · 17/03/2022 09:10

Just as some DFs opt out of baby care I have also seen them being pushed out with constant criticism of not doing it right. Remember that you are both going to have to learn when it comes to this baby. Neither of you know what he/she will be like.

SmellyOldOwls · 17/03/2022 09:14

@practicallyperfect55

Thank you all I did suspect I was maybe being a bit sensitive

He will learn when baby arrives it's just that he has expressed worries about not knowing anything and when I've offered to show him he never seems to have the time or interest.

Like pp said, pregnancy is quite abstract but he will get a wake up call when baby arrives.

My DH was the same but then out popped DS and within a few hours he was the only one who could wind him properly etc or so I let him believe

(he was better at it than me tbf)

You see these blokes on tv and SM and stuff who are desperate to kiss the bump and feel the baby kicking and so on but I'm not sure if that's real life. It wasn't for us.

Calphurnia88 · 17/03/2022 09:23

I wouldn't worry too much about DH not getting excited about the prospect of learning how to put a nappy on before baby has arrived. I have done antenatal classes, but also have a pile of unread baby books that a number of well meaning friends have lent me (for context I'm due VERY soon so these books are not going to be read).

You mentioned DH is taking the lead in some major house renovations. Perhaps this is his way of preparing for baby?

Timeturnerplease · 17/03/2022 09:27

DH had had nothing to do with a baby ever when I was pregnant with DD1. I don’t think he’d ever seen a babygro. He was in his 40s and most of his friends had toddlers that he’d doggedly avoided as babies, so I think he was half expecting her to come out walking and talking and it was a shock when she arrived at 5lb!

He treated her like glass until she started moving around by herself - of course he did his share and more, but he was clearly not a natural - when he suddenly came into his own and he’s effectively now the ‘lead’ parent to her at age 3. They’re the best of friends, it’s lovely to see. He’s less wary of DD2 at 7mo than he was of DD1, but I can see he is keenly waiting until she gets a bit more resilient and then the balance will shift again. Which is great, as I hate playing but will happily do al the background stuff like bath etc.

People - mums and dads - approach parenting very differently, and have phases in which they feel more or less confident. So long as you’re working as a team when the baby arrives and supporting each other, then he’ll be doing fine.

diddl · 17/03/2022 09:28

I'd be worried that he will be trying to use it as an opt out.

"Oh it's just quicker/easier if you do it!"

"I've told him I won't offer again and he can learn himself"

I think that that's fine Op.

How did you learn?

I don't remember being specifically shown how to change a nappy.

There's loads of info out there!

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 17/03/2022 09:28

My DH was the same about books and practical preparations. He also (to my surprise) wasn't that into feeling the kicks etc.

But then our son was born. I have this wonderful photo of him just on his knees staring down at the newborn baby in the hospital crib like he couldn't believe his eyes. He adored him. He changed all the horrible meconium nappies because I was recovering from a section. Nappies really aren't rocket science! He held and bathed him. He has been an awesome dad from that day on.

Don't judge your DH on what he does now: see how he reacts when your baby is here

RidingMyBike · 17/03/2022 09:32

Mine just watched me do a nappy (I'd changed Godchildren's in the past so knew what I was doing!), then did the next one himself.

I think he was worried about holding our baby etc and some of the early photos he looks a bit awkward but he soon got the idea with a bit of practice.

Oneonetheracehorse · 17/03/2022 09:35

I didn't have a clue how to change a nappy, my husband did the first few as I had a C Section the had to go home due to Covid visiting hours at the time. I remember standing in the hospital room after major surgery, with a baby who needing changing thinking right, I'll give this a go! He'll be alright once the baby is here.
My husband didn't read any books, there were no classes due to Covid (and he couldn't come to scans) and he is the best dad ever. We learnt as we went! Perhaps he feels a bit useless as you've done it before and are trying to show him?
Good luck with it all, to both of you!

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