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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about my daughters christening?

56 replies

K673dv · 17/03/2022 02:16

My husband and I plan to christen our daughter. We booked the christening and had decided prior to that we only wanted our parents, siblings, any surviving grandparents of ours and her godparents so our best friends. I’ve since been informed my dad’s invited his siblings without speaking to me and has gone absolutely wild at me for informing him they aren’t invited. Now, let me give you some context. His siblings and his side of the family generally treated me awfully as a child. Everything was my fault and I was often left out of things and they rarely bothered for my birthdays etc, I never understood what I did to be treated so badly when even my brothers were treated well. My dad never stuck up for me, not once. In fact he once slapped me in the face when I was around 13 for arguing with a cousin and upsetting her. The truth about the argument came out a few days later but he was never sorry he hit me in aid of her. He kindly paid for my wedding, but with that forced me to pay extra to invite his family. One of my cousins was extremely rude to my face at my wedding, another completely ignored me the entire day! He’s now saying he isn’t coming because I’m excluding his family and he’s sick of me trying to keep them from events that I throw. None of them have met my daughter in the 14 weeks she’s been born, they haven’t so much as asked me about her. I really don’t want them there, am I being unreasonable with this?

OP posts:
Hidingin · 17/03/2022 02:21

Nah. YABU for inviting your dad.
He’s saved you a job un inviting himself

Seafog · 17/03/2022 02:22

I'd lay it out for him, you want a small service, with only those who truly matter

starrynight21 · 17/03/2022 02:23

Stick to your guns, OP. Your Dad needs to accept that he did the wrong thing by inviting them to your event . He sounds awful - if he doesn't get his own way he''ll throw his toys out of the pram ( probably expecting you to relent and beg him to come). I'd say "sorry you've decided not to come, Dad" and leave it at that. Don't let him push you around. YANBU.

K673dv · 17/03/2022 02:26

Seafog - I have. It’s not good enough. I’ve even explained we need to pay per head and since there’s 22 of them, it would cost me a fortune and we wouldn’t be able to afford to invite our friends. There’s no talking to him. He’s seen it as a personal attack.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 17/03/2022 02:30

"He’s now saying he isn’t coming because I’m excluding his family and he’s sick of me trying to keep them from events that I throw."

Good, he won't come and you won't need to worry about it.

Life is too short for this sort of shit.

Hope your day is brilliant.

TwoShades1 · 17/03/2022 02:42

If you’re paying per head it’s now even cheaper! Surely you are inviting immediate family and godparents, which doesn’t include aunts/uncles/cousins. My partner has a lot of cousins, if we invited them to everything all of our gatherings would be huge!

Changeee15467 · 17/03/2022 04:26

He slapped you round the face :( That is so awful OP.

timeisnotaline · 17/03/2022 04:40

Good! Check your mum still wants to come, and make sure she knows you are giving the venue exact numbers so there won’t be a spot for your dad.

Natty13 · 17/03/2022 05:19

It's not about the cost per headi
It's not about the size of the venue
It's not about covid restrictions if that was an excuse you have used.

The only reason you need to give is that you do not want to spend special occasions (/any of your precious time at all) with peiple who are ride to you. Point blank. End of. You need to put it on them as the reason they aren't invited is because of their behaviour and not because of money/the weather/the phase of the moon because all these excuses can be twisted and turned and used to make you look like the bad guy. The reason is them and only them.

NurseBernard · 17/03/2022 05:41

The problem’s been solved, surely.

He’s said he’s not coming. His family’s not coming.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 17/03/2022 05:44

@Natty13

It's not about the cost per headi It's not about the size of the venue It's not about covid restrictions if that was an excuse you have used.

The only reason you need to give is that you do not want to spend special occasions (/any of your precious time at all) with peiple who are ride to you. Point blank. End of. You need to put it on them as the reason they aren't invited is because of their behaviour and not because of money/the weather/the phase of the moon because all these excuses can be twisted and turned and used to make you look like the bad guy. The reason is them and only them.

This post nails it.
MintJulia · 17/03/2022 05:47

Fine. Leave him to be miserable on his own and enjoy your daughter's day.

Iloveacurry · 17/03/2022 06:00

So he doesn’t come. He sounds awful.

Shoxfordian · 17/03/2022 06:01

He’s not invited either then
Think about how much contact you want with someone who treats you like this

7eleven · 17/03/2022 06:37

This is the time, OP, for you to put your adult boundaries firmly in place. You’re not a child and your dad can’t tell you what to do.

Calmly repeat that you have planned a small christening. It’s your baby. Your choice. He will strop and try hard to reassert his control over you. It’s really important that you don’t let him. He probably won’t come. That’s ok. The day isn’t about him.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 17/03/2022 06:56

So he doesn't come that is his choice.

Your choice is not to be emotionally blackmailed by your Dad who has consistently put his family first before you and your well being.

The invites stand as you originally intended.

ChaosMoon · 17/03/2022 07:02

Sounds like it's all had a happy ending then if it dad isn't coming either. I know feelings for parents are always complicated but he sounds no better, of not worse, than his siblings. You really would be better without him in your life.

NoSquirrels · 17/03/2022 07:07

He’s now saying he isn’t coming because I’m excluding his family and he’s sick of me trying to keep them from events that I throw.

“OK, Dad, I accept your decision. It’s a shame you won’t come. You’re welcome to invite your family to events you are hosting. I’m only inviting people I want there to events I’m hosting. Let me know if you change your mind about coming.”

NoSquirrels · 17/03/2022 07:08

Will your mum still attend without him?

Twinsmummy1812 · 17/03/2022 07:18

You don’t need that kind of energy at your baby’s christening, which I found a very special joyous thing. You definitely don’t want your DF family there and to be honest it sounds like it would be better without him there too. I hope you have a lovely day and are surrounded by peace and love x

2DogsOnMySofa · 17/03/2022 07:22

He's done you a huge favour, take him up on his offer of not coming.

I also agree with a pp. it's not about the money or spaces, you don't want them there because they are rude to you. You're an adult now and can conduct yourself as you see for. If you don't want twats coming to your dds christening then they aren't invited - I'd also include your dad in the twats bracket too

Bobbajobs · 17/03/2022 07:56

Say no!

My FIL family are useless with our children in terms of effort (he's very close with both his family and our children) and he's openly told us not to bother to invite them to any of our further family events due to their lack of effort, treating different kids in the family differently to ours... Your dad needs to accept that you can't force or forge a relationship. If he chooses not to attend that's his loss!

billy1966 · 17/03/2022 08:08

Excellent, your nasty father isn't coming now.

Step away from this awful man and his family.

custardbear · 17/03/2022 08:28

Great - less meal to pay for if your, frankly appalling father doesn't come - enjoy your family and move away from these toxic arseholes

VestaTilley · 17/03/2022 09:22

YANBU.

On no account give in to this bullying. In your shoes I wouldn’t invite your Dad either - I’m so sorry OP, but he sounds abusive and controlling. He slapped you in the face?! That’s assault.

Your Dad’s relatives sound absolutely vile. Have nothing to do with any of them- and don’t let them near your daughter. I wouldn’t leave your Dad looking after your daughter either.

I’m so sorry OP. I hope you have a lovely day at your baby’s christening.

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