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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my daughters christening?

56 replies

K673dv · 17/03/2022 02:16

My husband and I plan to christen our daughter. We booked the christening and had decided prior to that we only wanted our parents, siblings, any surviving grandparents of ours and her godparents so our best friends. I’ve since been informed my dad’s invited his siblings without speaking to me and has gone absolutely wild at me for informing him they aren’t invited. Now, let me give you some context. His siblings and his side of the family generally treated me awfully as a child. Everything was my fault and I was often left out of things and they rarely bothered for my birthdays etc, I never understood what I did to be treated so badly when even my brothers were treated well. My dad never stuck up for me, not once. In fact he once slapped me in the face when I was around 13 for arguing with a cousin and upsetting her. The truth about the argument came out a few days later but he was never sorry he hit me in aid of her. He kindly paid for my wedding, but with that forced me to pay extra to invite his family. One of my cousins was extremely rude to my face at my wedding, another completely ignored me the entire day! He’s now saying he isn’t coming because I’m excluding his family and he’s sick of me trying to keep them from events that I throw. None of them have met my daughter in the 14 weeks she’s been born, they haven’t so much as asked me about her. I really don’t want them there, am I being unreasonable with this?

OP posts:
Cocogreen · 17/03/2022 09:23

Enjoy the christening without your idiot selfish father and his horrible relations. You have your own family unit now and he can show some manners or not be part of your life.
Will your mother still come?

incognitoforthisone · 17/03/2022 09:43

Is your mum still with you? If so, is she still married to your dad?

Assuming your dad's decision doesn't affect your mum, then it actually sounds like him refusing to come is actually the best outcome for you. He slapped you in the face when you were a teenager and he and his side of the family bullied and excluded you. You'd be best off with him out of your life, frankly.

pinkyredrose · 17/03/2022 09:48

Have you ever found out why they treated your brothers well but you badly?

Original poster
K673dv · 17/03/2022 09:49

Mum said she’s still coming. He told her yesterday me and baby aren’t allowed to come over again and she isn’t to look after my daughter. We went anyway yesterday as he works away but I spoke to her this morning and she said he’s still kicking off this morning. Said he’d had palpitations but like I said to my mum that’s only solidified how I feel because he’s having palpitations at the possibility of his siblings being upset but he allowed them to continually upset his own daughter without having palpitations

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 17/03/2022 09:54

You're doing the right thing. Stick to your guns.

thebellsesmereldathebells · 17/03/2022 09:59

Do NOT compromise on this. You (like me) have the sort of family where rock solid boundaries are going to be vital throughout your children's upbringing. Start as you mean to go on. If your Dad wants to behave like a spoilt child, then he can stay the fuck away and miss out on his granddaughter. Fool.

Original poster
K673dv · 17/03/2022 09:59

Pinkyredrose never. I’ve asked my mum she can’t recall me doing or saying anything as a child that would cause it. It’s been going on pretty much since birth and now that I’m a parent I’m angrier at him, I don’t understand how he could allow it. I wouldn’t let the wind blow on my little one, I certainly wouldn’t allow any sibling of mine or cousin to hurt her.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 17/03/2022 10:07

Your father is really abusive, and continuing the abuse in to your adulthood.

Do you really want him and his family treating your child the way they treated you? Or belittling and mistreating you in front of your child?

I wouldn't even bother with saying you're sorry he's not coming. I'd tell him OK your choice, I've informed the venue.

And enjoy life without him in it casting a horrible miserable abusive pall over you.

James83 · 17/03/2022 10:37

I didn't see if you had said what denomination you are.
It would be good idea to give Priest / Minister a heads up on the situation.
Our church has the Baptism as part of the service, family party is separate. It can reduce the pressure.

Nutsabouttopic · 17/03/2022 11:06

A lesson I learned very quickly after having my first child is that what you accept for yourself you won't accept for your child. You were treated appallingly and abusively by your father and his family. Where was your mother in all of this. Look at your beautiful little girl and ask if you are going to let people treat her in that way. The answer is no. For her sake so she is not treated in that way or grows up watching you being treated badly you need to stop it now. Your father is a bully. He maybe your father but he's not a daddy, dad or papa. Leave him to his tantrums. You do not have to spend your life trying to please him. You will NEVER please him. Enjoy your little family. Talk to your husband you maybe surprised at what he thinks but has not said

billy1966 · 17/03/2022 11:13

Your father is an abusive bully.

This is not a man to have near your children under any circumstances.

Ponoka7 · 17/03/2022 11:15

My GC Father has a similar thing going on with him. He wouldn't buy for his children without buying for the cousin. He'd also give their toys away to the cousin. We often wondered if she was his. Thankfully they've split, so my DD doesn't have to deal with it. It's strange dynamics carried over from his childhood.

Ponoka7 · 17/03/2022 11:16

Stand your ground and reset things now you are a Mum.

GabriellaMontez · 17/03/2022 11:18

Your dad is a chronic twat. Great news he's not coming to any events in future. And even better that your mum will come without him.

2DogsOnMySofa · 17/03/2022 11:58

So he's pulling the health card now. You wait, he'll send a message saying you've made him ill, so you now HAVE to invite him and his family.

Just ignore him op, it's great your mum will still come, no loss in your dad not coming

Bookworm20 · 17/03/2022 12:36

I think all you can do is stick firmly to your guns. I would have suggested to tell your dad one final time, we want a small ceremony, they are not invited. Its a shame if you decide not to some because of this, but I would like you to be there.

However, he has since said you are not even allowed to come to the house? WTF. After that I would be saying, dad, you've made it very clear you do not want my DD in your life. Your family were not invited and now you can consider yourself uninvited until you grow up, apologise and start treating me and DD as a priority over your horrible family.

Hopefully your mum will remain on your side.

billy1966 · 17/03/2022 12:41

@2DogsOnMySofa

So he's pulling the health card now. You wait, he'll send a message saying you've made him ill, so you now HAVE to invite him and his family.

Just ignore him op, it's great your mum will still come, no loss in your dad not coming

Be wary of this.

Illness is often the go to card from abusive parents when their children won't do their bidding and rebel.

You have been the victim of long term emotional abuse from your parents.
Your father directly and your mother for standing by and allowing it to continue.

Seeking counselling would be very wise.

He is NOT a good man.

Original poster
K673dv · 17/03/2022 13:04

My parents have argued over it most of my life. She couldn’t leave him as his father was a very influential and powerful man and she was terrified she’d lose custody. She used to buy me extra presents and claim they had ‘forgotten’ to give them to me when they gave my brother theirs. Mums done nothing but fight for me all my life and she’s been clear with me on more than one occasion she wishes she’d done more for me. I think if it wasn’t for my mum it would have been a lot worse

OP posts:
dfendyr · 17/03/2022 13:11

Well she won't lose custody now,

Xpologog · 17/03/2022 13:15

Your baby, your event, your rules. If your father invited 2 people to dinner he wouldn’t expect random people they’d invited to rock up. He is unreasonable.
Hope you have a great day.

NoSquirrels · 17/03/2022 13:24

Are you the eldest child, OP?

FairFuming · 17/03/2022 13:24

I'm so sorry you have that for a father. Stick to your guns your reasons are valid.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/03/2022 13:32

People can’t invite whoever they feel like to a party that someone else is throwing!

billy1966 · 17/03/2022 13:37

Why hasn't your mother left now do you think?

Original poster
K673dv · 17/03/2022 13:48

I’m the middle child.

Because she suffers ill health, I think she stays because she can’t afford to leave and he knows she can’t. He’s a horribly controlling and manipulative man always has been. But since I had my daughter something just snapped, I don’t want them around her to hurt her like they hurt me. But even 20something years of hurt from his family that he stood by and allowed, he can’t understand. He doesn’t even think it happened if you ask him.

OP posts: