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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a scumbag, for not settling for what he's offering

80 replies

Elizabethstongue · 16/03/2022 20:25

It's a long one, and very outing. But I don't know anyone who's gone through a divorce and need advice please.
Husband left in October. Married just under 4 years, together 10. I have DS 15 from a previous relationship. He's raised him as his own. We have a mortgage on a house together, tenants in common. I'm still in the house, H paying full mortgage, won't take half off of me as 'it's his mortgage' (not that I could afford it anyway)
In November he wanted to discuss the house. He wants to buy me out, but only pay me half the equity minus the legal fees and stamp duty. He thinks the deposit we put into it is his and he's being generous in giving me half the equity. I said I deserve more as I helped with that deposit and he made a comment that the bank wouldn't let him borrow more than half the equity. So I'm guessing he only wants to give me that as its the easiest way for him.
His GP gifted us 20k towards deposit.
We saved a further 13k for deposit, and then had roughly 6k on legal fees and stamp duty.
He is saying HE saved that money. But I was paying for other things and bills so that he could put the money aside in savings. We was married whilst we saved for the house if that's relevant. And married when his GPs gifted us the money.
When speaking about the house, I said I would have to think about what he had proposed and discuss it and he said if you get legal advice I will make sure I get a better solicitor than you and you will come away with nothing.
We tried councelling after this but he has decided he no longer wants to continue the marriage.
He is living rent free in a friend's spare room.
He has called me this evening to discuss the house again. I have said I want to sell and split 50/ 50 and if he has any savings I won't go after them. He has called me a scumbag and all other names under the sun for suggesting this.
Aibu? What would you think I would be entitled to after a short marriage? And no children together? Am I a scumbag for wanting more than he is offering?

OP posts:

Brefugee · 16/03/2022 20:29

Lawyer up. That is the only way.

RusholmeRuffian · 16/03/2022 20:30

You're definitely not a scumbag but he certainly is! Absolutely get legal advice and ignite his bullshit.

thenewduchessoflapland · 16/03/2022 20:30

I think you need to get appropriate legal advice on this situation.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 16/03/2022 20:38

After a short marriage the capital contribution from his family is likely to count on his side of the balance sheet. But the deposit that you saved together - even if it nominally cane from him - will almost certainly be viewed as part of the marital pot.

Hankunamatata · 16/03/2022 20:40

Id counter offer with splitting the deposit and fees so 6.5k plus 3k. Does he have assets or amazing pension?
And yep legal advice but doesn't mean you have to tell him you are getting legal advice.

GabriellaMontez · 16/03/2022 20:42

Yanbu. You're not a scumbag.

You need a lawyer. It will cost you in the long run not to have one. His threats are disgusting.

BambinaJAS · 16/03/2022 20:43

Too short a marriage.

You will need legal advice.

Chloemol · 16/03/2022 20:44

Go and see a solicitor, the best one you can find

As he wants to stitch you up, you get everything you can, don’t forget pensions as well as the house and savings

Original poster

Elizabethstongue · 16/03/2022 20:48

No other assets, no pension. The equity from the house is approx 45 - 65k. So maybe a counter offer is the way to go without me looking money grabbing and feeling like I'm taking the piss?
I want to know what he would be advised so I know where he's coming from.
Especially if his GPs gift will count on his side like Ladymacbeth suggested.
Ideally I would like this to end amicably without upsetting him too much as he is a decent person, and he is still my sons parent.

OP posts:

FairyCakeWings · 16/03/2022 20:54

Honestly, I wouldn’t take any of the money that his grandparents gifted. You may have been married when it was given, but it was because of their grandson.

The rest of the deposit is fair game for you, but if he’s paid the rest of the mortgage alone, it’s not right that you should get half after such a short marriage.

Summerhillsquare · 16/03/2022 20:59

Lawyer!

Mine started this way too, full of grandiosity and sure he was going to get more than me. He didn't. No kids either.

Original poster

Elizabethstongue · 16/03/2022 21:11

@Summerhillsquare how long was you married for please?

OP posts:

k1233 · 16/03/2022 21:11

How is he calculating equity? Is it half the market value of the house less the amount owing on the mortgage? Or is it half the purchase price less the amount owing on the mortgage? Either way, the deposit, including money from GPs, would be forming part of the equity as it has reduced the amount that was borrowed. Unless, somehow, it's been ring fenced or there is an agreement his share is greater than 50/50 as it took into account deposits.

If the house is the only asset of the marriage, then 50% of equity based on market value less mortgage sounds reasonable to me.

Legal fees and stamp duty - both parties would pay their own legals, stamp duty - depends what you want to argue for - could be either 50/50 or he pays all as he's purchasing your share.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 16/03/2022 21:13

I should add that the split of assets will also be informed by need and other factors (you can look these up by googling S.25 Matrimonial Causes Act). What I’m doing is just giving you a feel for the starting point. People often say it’s a 50/50 split on divorce. But that’s not actually right. Whilst that often is the outcome it’s not enshrined in law that it has to be. And the presumption of equality only really arises after a long marriage - upwards of 12 years.

He will likely be advised that he has a decent argument that the money from his family could be “ringfenced” but that the deposit can’t be. There is also the fact that the family home is seen differently from other assets and the equity therein is usually shared. But “sharing” is not necessarily sharing 50/50.

You definitely are not a scumbag for questioning this!

Summerhillsquare · 16/03/2022 21:14

A decade.

Original poster

Elizabethstongue · 16/03/2022 21:14

Another question, I've not sold a house before. (This was our first property).
If we sell the house for x amount and have y amount left to pay on mortgage. Would we have the difference (minus legal fees) to split?
Like many I didn't get married to divorce, I don't want this. I don't want to be in this position. I don't want to be arguing over who gets what. I don't want to mug anyone off, or be treated even more unfairly than I have been already.

OP posts:

TravellingFrom · 16/03/2022 21:17

Lawyer!!

You don’t have to tell him you’ve seen one. And you don’t have to have them intervene in your name.
But you need a much better idea of what you are or not legally entitled to. It’s not just the house, it’s saving, pensions, debts etc etc….

Hawkins001 · 16/03/2022 21:19

@Elizabethstongue

It's a long one, and very outing. But I don't know anyone who's gone through a divorce and need advice please. Husband left in October. Married just under 4 years, together 10. I have DS 15 from a previous relationship. He's raised him as his own. We have a mortgage on a house together, tenants in common. I'm still in the house, H paying full mortgage, won't take half off of me as 'it's his mortgage' (not that I could afford it anyway) In November he wanted to discuss the house. He wants to buy me out, but only pay me half the equity minus the legal fees and stamp duty. He thinks the deposit we put into it is his and he's being generous in giving me half the equity. I said I deserve more as I helped with that deposit and he made a comment that the bank wouldn't let him borrow more than half the equity. So I'm guessing he only wants to give me that as its the easiest way for him. His GP gifted us 20k towards deposit. We saved a further 13k for deposit, and then had roughly 6k on legal fees and stamp duty. He is saying HE saved that money. But I was paying for other things and bills so that he could put the money aside in savings. We was married whilst we saved for the house if that's relevant. And married when his GPs gifted us the money. When speaking about the house, I said I would have to think about what he had proposed and discuss it and he said if you get legal advice I will make sure I get a better solicitor than you and you will come away with nothing. We tried councelling after this but he has decided he no longer wants to continue the marriage. He is living rent free in a friend's spare room. He has called me this evening to discuss the house again. I have said I want to sell and split 50/ 50 and if he has any savings I won't go after them. He has called me a scumbag and all other names under the sun for suggesting this. Aibu? What would you think I would be entitled to after a short marriage? And no children together? Am I a scumbag for wanting more than he is offering?

Solicitors to the hills, and rinse due to his attitudes. All the best op

Kisskiss · 16/03/2022 21:27

I’m confused, isn’t half the equity fair? That’s half of X-Y as you described it? Are you suggesting you should have half the selling price, and he takes the entire outstanding mortgage ?

NumberTheory · 16/03/2022 21:27

4 years is a short marriage, but if you were together for 6 years before that and didn't split up/get back together, then those pre-marriage years will count towards the length of marriage for divorce purposes. So the GP gift may not be counted on his side. Seek legal advice.

You can just seek advice in the first instance. Your Ex doesn't even have to know you've seen them. You don't have to use them for the divorce itself if they tell you he's offering a good deal. But go see them and find out where you really stand.

Harridan1981 · 16/03/2022 21:27

The marriage might be only 4 years, but as you have a significant chunk together before that it may also be considered.

I'd ringfence his grandparents' money as his.

Original poster

Elizabethstongue · 16/03/2022 21:36

@kisskiss I'm suggesting half of x - y, not the second option of leaving him with the mortgage. I will take everyone's advice and get some legal advice without him knowing and go from there.

OP posts:

AndSoFinally · 16/03/2022 21:39

What does he mean by equity?

The equity is the amount left after you pay off the mortgage. So it includes all the deposits as these reduce the amount you would have had to borrow.

If he paid you half the equity then he'd be paying you half of the deposit you put in, half of his GPS gift, half of whatever you've reduced the mortgage by over the years, and half whatever the increase in value is between now and then.

What does he think half the equity is?!

EinsteinaGogo · 16/03/2022 21:42

I'm a bit confused, OP.

You say that your DH has offered you half of the equity in the house, but you want 50/50.

Aren't they the same?

JustOneMoreNameChange · 16/03/2022 21:43

As a word of caution, there's not a lot to split and you could easily spend £10-15k on lawyers if it gets acrimonious.

Try mediation first.

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