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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a scumbag, for not settling for what he's offering

80 replies

Elizabethstongue · 16/03/2022 20:25

It's a long one, and very outing. But I don't know anyone who's gone through a divorce and need advice please.
Husband left in October. Married just under 4 years, together 10. I have DS 15 from a previous relationship. He's raised him as his own. We have a mortgage on a house together, tenants in common. I'm still in the house, H paying full mortgage, won't take half off of me as 'it's his mortgage' (not that I could afford it anyway)
In November he wanted to discuss the house. He wants to buy me out, but only pay me half the equity minus the legal fees and stamp duty. He thinks the deposit we put into it is his and he's being generous in giving me half the equity. I said I deserve more as I helped with that deposit and he made a comment that the bank wouldn't let him borrow more than half the equity. So I'm guessing he only wants to give me that as its the easiest way for him.
His GP gifted us 20k towards deposit.
We saved a further 13k for deposit, and then had roughly 6k on legal fees and stamp duty.
He is saying HE saved that money. But I was paying for other things and bills so that he could put the money aside in savings. We was married whilst we saved for the house if that's relevant. And married when his GPs gifted us the money.
When speaking about the house, I said I would have to think about what he had proposed and discuss it and he said if you get legal advice I will make sure I get a better solicitor than you and you will come away with nothing.
We tried councelling after this but he has decided he no longer wants to continue the marriage.
He is living rent free in a friend's spare room.
He has called me this evening to discuss the house again. I have said I want to sell and split 50/ 50 and if he has any savings I won't go after them. He has called me a scumbag and all other names under the sun for suggesting this.
Aibu? What would you think I would be entitled to after a short marriage? And no children together? Am I a scumbag for wanting more than he is offering?

OP posts:

ThePurpleFairy · 16/03/2022 21:45

I would ask for half of the equity but give him his £20k gift back. Probably will get flamed for this but you would be a bit of a grabby scumbag to take half of that. Just because you legally can, doesn’t mean it’s morally right.

On the flip side though any other marital assets, savings, pension etc are fair game so they are worth considering

Original poster

Elizabethstongue · 16/03/2022 21:48

I've probably not explained what he said properly, he said if we take the equity and he takes his GPs money, and he takes the deposit out of it that we saved together, and he takes out the stamp duty and fees. And then the remainder we split 50/50

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 16/03/2022 21:54

He's a cheeky bastard.

GabriellaMontez · 16/03/2022 21:58

Ideally I would like this to end amicably without upsetting him too much as he is a decent person, and he is still my sons parent

Of course you would. But he doesn't sound very decent. Has he maintained a relationship with your son?

Yellownightmare · 16/03/2022 22:08

Why would you be paying his stamp duty? That's down to him for the effective purchase of the house in his name. If you bought another property, you'd have to pay the stamp duty, not expect him to pay it. So he has to pay for the stamp duty wholly himself.

He would pay his part of the legal fees, and you would pay your half, so it's probably fair to take those off before splitting the equity.

It's probably fair morally, if not legally, to take off his GP's aspect of the deposit. But definitely not the savings you made to buy the property. That's completely related to your joint finances as part of your marriage.

Be clear what you expect to get of it and don't let him guilt you or bully you. Remember that he is the one who wants the split, so it's in his interest to get this sorted.

Pleasebeafleabite · 16/03/2022 22:18

Go take legal advice

As PP said If you are in E&W all the time you have been together is taken into account not just the length of the marriage itself and 50-50 is the starting point for that length of time.

HippeePrincess · 16/03/2022 22:22

He’s trying to swindle you out of a lot of money here, taking out fees and stamp duty? Wtf?

Namechange12312 · 16/03/2022 22:27

If the total equity before dedications is only around 50k average then you won’t be left with much after he’s taken off the deposit value and fees/stamp duty etc. So he’ll basically leave you with nothing? complete CF you need to see a solicitor or citizens advice at the very least.

TheRealityCheque · 16/03/2022 22:49

@Elizabethstongue

It's a long one, and very outing. But I don't know anyone who's gone through a divorce and need advice please. Husband left in October. Married just under 4 years, together 10. I have DS 15 from a previous relationship. He's raised him as his own. We have a mortgage on a house together, tenants in common. I'm still in the house, H paying full mortgage, won't take half off of me as 'it's his mortgage' (not that I could afford it anyway) In November he wanted to discuss the house. He wants to buy me out, but only pay me half the equity minus the legal fees and stamp duty. He thinks the deposit we put into it is his and he's being generous in giving me half the equity. I said I deserve more as I helped with that deposit and he made a comment that the bank wouldn't let him borrow more than half the equity. So I'm guessing he only wants to give me that as its the easiest way for him. His GP gifted us 20k towards deposit. We saved a further 13k for deposit, and then had roughly 6k on legal fees and stamp duty. He is saying HE saved that money. But I was paying for other things and bills so that he could put the money aside in savings. We was married whilst we saved for the house if that's relevant. And married when his GPs gifted us the money. When speaking about the house, I said I would have to think about what he had proposed and discuss it and he said if you get legal advice I will make sure I get a better solicitor than you and you will come away with nothing. We tried councelling after this but he has decided he no longer wants to continue the marriage. He is living rent free in a friend's spare room. He has called me this evening to discuss the house again. I have said I want to sell and split 50/ 50 and if he has any savings I won't go after them. He has called me a scumbag and all other names under the sun for suggesting this. Aibu? What would you think I would be entitled to after a short marriage? And no children together? Am I a scumbag for wanting more than he is offering?

You're arguing over less than £10k.

It will almost certainly cost you more than that in legal fees to win a fraction of it.

You probably are entitled to a little more but if you have to go full legal to get it you will end up with less in your pocket and two sets of richer solicitors

Blossom64265 · 16/03/2022 23:01

As you work on this, stop making statements like you have no interest in his savings. All marital assets need to be divided. Assets that are not marital assets, but that are individual can be declared and designated as such. Make no promises or plans. Right now all you really need is a complete list of all assets and assets and then a meeting with a solicitor.

Ponoka7 · 17/03/2022 06:30

Has he managed to have more savings than you because you've ran the house etc? Or vice versa? If not, I'd leave them alone. Personally I'd want the equity split 50/50 minus £10k for him, to take into account of his GPs deposit. He'll probably want the full £20k. But as said you'll spend as much on legal battles and the emotional cost won't be worth it.

Dimondsareforever · 17/03/2022 06:39

I think the deposit amount saved together should be split 50/50. But I would let him keep the amount he was gifted by a grandparent. But do go for 50/50 on savings because he may have been able to ‘save’ because you were the one buying stuff.

ChiselandBits · 17/03/2022 06:57

I agree with legal advice but ou up to a point. With no joint children it's simpler. See a solicitor for a couple of appointments initially and get a better understanding of what is reasonable with regard to savings, the grandparents money etc then use that to make your own decisions. Absolutely do not let him bully you out of advice or believe anything he tells you. Once you have your info, present him with options, in writing and crucially, write 'without prejudice' on all communications. It means they can't be used if it did come to court but I would avoid that even if means settling for less as, as others have said, there'll be nothing left anyway. You can do this yourself with just a bit of occasional advice. Good luck, and I'm sorry. I understand what you mean about not wanting any of it. It's like you're stuck on an alien planet that noone asked if you wanted to visit.

44PumpLane · 17/03/2022 07:09

He keeps his GP £20k, that's the right thing to do.
He pays his own stamp duty as he is the one buying property, it's not your fault he wants to buy, you could just as easily sell the family home and split the funds, he is buying so it's his liability and when you come to buy you will be liable for your own stamp.
He pays his legal fees, you pay your legal fees.
The rest gets split.

As someone else mentioned, if one of you has been able to disproportionately save because the other has been footing the bill for everything then that's unfair and should be addressed through financial settlement. But if you've both been given the opportunity to save then honestly do mediation and save thousands on duelling lawyers.

Weatherwax13 · 17/03/2022 07:13

Don't agree to anything yet. See a solicitor first.

Bobnotpop · 17/03/2022 07:14

When I got divorced (three years married, no dcs) I paid to see a top solicitor for one appointment for advice. He explained what I’d be entitled to and why, put it all in writing so I didn’t have to remember it all and advised me to negotiate it myself. It was a great way to do it because I had a clear idea of what was reasonable but didn’t spend thousands in legal fees. I’d recommend you do the same.

balalake · 17/03/2022 07:15

I think you need legal advice. You ought to be thinking about where you will live once the house is sold as well.

NoSquirrels · 17/03/2022 07:17

Are you ‘tenants in common’ or are you ‘joint tenants’?

There’s a difference and it’s usually set up tenants in common if there’s something like the deposit being unequal to protect.

If you’re tenants in common you need to know what share of the property you’re owner of. If you’re joint tenants it’s 50-50 automatically.

maddening · 17/03/2022 07:21

Half of all marital assets. Sell and split and half of savings that were held at Oct 2021.

Is the mortgage fixed term? If so how much time is left on it?

maddening · 17/03/2022 07:23

And the legal fees and stamp duty should not form part of the calc, they are costs of the purchase at the time and are gone and done, he does not get to charge you for them again.

Kuachui · 17/03/2022 07:24

i would sell house and split 50/50 after his GP money has been given back to him.

Iwonder08 · 17/03/2022 07:24

No, I wouldn't go and see a solicitor. The half of Equity you want vs what is offering is likely to be less than the solicitor's fees.
I think after such a short marriage it would be unfair of you to demand 50/50. You should absolutely give him back 20k gift.
In your shoes I would come back with the counter offer: sell the house, pay off mortgage, deduct 20k and then split it in half. You have a good argument that you enabled him to save the money for the rest of the deposit and small legal fees.

lalaloopyhead · 17/03/2022 07:26

Agree with PP, half the equity is the same as 50/50 on sale ..half of equity means you are getting half of his go deposit so not sure how you would get more?

2DogsOnMySofa · 17/03/2022 07:27

I'd take his gp money out of the equity, then split the remaining equity 50/50. This is what I did with my do when we were in a similar position. Married less than 5 years with no kids

UsernameInTheTown · 17/03/2022 07:27

Who gives a shit if you look money grabbing? (You aren't).
Let your solicitor deal with him.

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