Help me to stop being a shouty Mum

[ShoutyAnge]

I am a shouty parent and I hate it. It's not even effective, I literally am just throwing my toys out the pram while my kids continue to ignore me. They shout and scream, then I shout and scream over the top. I really want another way. I'm a single parent and a shouty mum with lots of kids, so was my Mum. So it's all I've ever known, but not what I want to continue doing. Every time I shout (basically every single morning, they don't even try to get ready until I raise my voice and so either I Shout, we are late, or both) I feel emotionally drained afterwards. It makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning, the chaos, tears (mostly mine), fighting and yelling is just unbearable. I left an abusive relationship, and yelling just feels like bullying to me. It feels like smacking their bums for slapping each other. Illogical completely. Has anyone else managed to change this pattern? I want to be the circuit breaker for my family, and show my Dc another way to communicate as a family.

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1848123094/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_F4Y7YWFA3JC3NRT9X92S?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I do headspace in the morning before the kids wake up and it's made me a bit less shouty. I'm nowhere near perfect and we are more shouty than some families but it helps. I did the patience course this week which was helpful

I feel awful whenever I shout. My mum was a shouty stressy mum. I don't want my son to think of me that way. Unlike my mum I acknowledge it's wrong and apologise to him. You're only human and we all make mistakes

@AnneLovesGilbert

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk ]]

I was about to recommend this also. Changed the way I parent. It’s a fantastic book.

How many children do you have and how old are they? I have been guilty of being shouty but ds is a sensitive soul and I realised it was genuinely scaring him so I had to make sure I stopped. I have to catch myself and take a few breaths now and then when I get frustrated and wound up. Its probably much easier with just one but if he isnt listening I remove distractions (usually pause tv) and sit him down and explain what we need to do and why its important, failing that explain the consequences of not doing as he is told (losing his toy for the night etc)

Who shouts first?

@inmyslippers

I feel awful whenever I shout. My mum was a shouty stressy mum. I don't want my son to think of me that way. Unlike my mum I acknowledge it's wrong and apologise to him. You're only human and we all make mistakes

Agree with this, if I lose my temper and shout I always apologise and explain that he didnt deserve for me to shout and that I was wrong to do it

I found the how to talk book very useful also, and the companion one ‘siblings without rivalry’. I read both after googling almost the exact same thing as your post heading. Both are very easy to read and summarise key points well.

@inmyslippers

I feel awful whenever I shout. My mum was a shouty stressy mum. I don't want my son to think of me that way. Unlike my mum I acknowledge it's wrong and apologise to him. You're only human and we all make mistakes

Yes I always vowed I would not be a shouty Mum, but i just seemed to turn into one anyway 😞 don't feel bad though, lots of us out there just not many who admit to it

I'm forever apologising! Trying to use it as an opportunity to talk to them about how people aren't perfect, about how we could go about expressing feelings better. How nobody deserves to be shouted at.

Then it repeats and I feel like a massive hypocrite.

What triggers the shouting?

3 kids aged 3-8

They all fight constantly, so (ironically) often I shout at them to be quiet, stop fighting, go to their rooms etc.
Otherwise big issues are mornings, they don't even try to get ready until I raise my voice. They all refuse to get ready, take no initiative in getting ready at all, fight at breakfast table, fight over toys, etc.
Then the same thing in reverse after school. Arguments over snacks, walking home, toys, TV, homework time, dinner, bath time, bed times. Everything and anything seems to just escalate to the point of shouting and arguing and fighting.
Middle child is definitely the catalyst. He winds people up on purpose

How is your MH generally? What have you done to help process the abusive relationship you left? I find I am much more shouty and short tempered when I'm not doing so well. Once I do things to improve my MH (which has needed to include psychotherapy, counselling, or therapeutic CBT at times as well as the more basic stuff like self care), the shoutiness naturally improves a lot.

Usually they start the shouting. Sometimes I shout because I get frustrated when they won't listen to me, not going to lie. Not that it makes them listen to me anyway most of the time. But I'll ask them to do something like 5 times, and then end up raising my voice. I will usually have already tried all variety of reward/punishment/bargaining. Then I get to the point I'm like "just do it, aargh!"

Right, so we need to keep middle child occupied! Could they be given a special job in the mornings, like being the snack champion? Ie making sure everyone has a snack?

They’re all really young to take initiative for getting dressed, could you lay the clothes out the night before and have a reward for when they’re dressed/teeth brushed/ bag packed/ ready to go? Don’t make it a competitive thing, but an individual reward like ‘you can all watch tv when we get home!’

Organise an after school thing like a game set up, or a film or something. Reward them for not fighting and praise praise praise.

For breakfast give them their own plates with the same things on them. Ask them if they want to do a quiz on the way home and ask them things based on their interests.

Bath times, get them to choose a toy to take in or give them something mad like a saucepan out of the cupboard or a cup of tea to enjoy while they’re in. Make it age-appropriate, but light a candle or give them special bubble bath or something.

I’m not saying any of this is easy, it’s shit and time consuming, but that’s the trick to a happy house.

I'm mostly ok, it's been a few years now (before 3yo was born) and I have had trauma counselling, also seen another therapist, done lots of support groups, read a whole load of books, still do some drop in sessions. I'm allergic to medication so that's not an option for me anyway, but I feel happy in myself. Except for when I'm with my kids. When they are at school, I'm working, I'm studying, there asleep at night, even when I'm doing the housework or going to the dentist I feel good. When I'm with all 3 of my kids together though it's basically unbearable. It's the noise, and they will break things, make a mess on purpose, throw food, hit, kick, scratch, bite.

Do your children like screentime or what is their favourite toy?

I would tell them that if you have to ask them more than three times to do something then they will lose that thing for that day or for 30 mins that day

Also don’t let your children downstairs on a morning until they are ready for school and have brushed their teeth.

Obviously you’ll have to get the 3yo ready but the others will be sorting themselves

Make sure their uniform and clean underwear or whatever is readily available each morning in their room

If they try to come downstairs send them straight back if they aren’t dressed and teeth done

Also hitting, kicking etc is definitely not acceptable - they need firm boundaries and punishments to stop this type of thing!!!

Maybe they are trying to get your attention?

Also have you got YouTube on your tv? Put a mindfulness vid on for them - if one doesn’t want to do it they can sit quietly and watch it?

Also you can have ‘quiet time’ eg tell them it’s time to read a book or time for quiet voices?

You are in charge remember that, if a child is not listening you can go down to their level and speak calmly and tell them what they have to do

Don’t tolerate disrespect or shouting

No, that’s terrible advice. Punishments will just lead to more poor behaviour and resentment. You need to make them happier in each other’s company, not more miserable.

I don't really know how to make them listen to me. They listen to their teachers at school, but when it comes to me will just shout in my face or laugh at me.

I have to hide their clothes or they will get thrown, hidden or intentionally soiled in some way. I do make piles of clothes in consecutive order but have to prompt every single step, even for 8yo

Get them to race then, but in stages so nobody loses. Like, pants on! Now socks! Now T-shirts! Make it fun.

and they will break things, make a mess on purpose, throw food, hit, kick, scratch, bite.

They are kids
It s what happens eg messy
But youcan show them better ways to communicate
Don't shout tell yourself to take a breath and stop

Teachers learn not to shout unless absolutely necessary and then it shocks the children because it's a rare occurrence. Instead of shouting, drop your voice and speak slowly. Also, don't keep repeating yourself. Say "I tell you once. I tell you twice. The third time....(insert a threat here)" and mean it. After a while, IF YOU ARE CONSISTENT you won't often need to get to 3. Mumsnet will be appalled by my number 3. It was a light smack on the bottom. Not a hit. Not a beating. Just a quick slap somewhere covered, and not painful. But I hardly ever got to 3 because all of my children knew what would happen. I worry about you mums who get so stressed about discipline. It sounds such incredibly hard work! And by the way - one of my kids was so flipping clever she'd get me to 2 and 3/4 - if that's possible - so I had to leave the room and hit my head against a wall and then go back in to deal with her!

My ex was very into discipline said that kids are like dogs, so they would be bribed with screen time, days out, sweets, toys, but at the same time yelled at, have treats removed, eg. Things like not allowed to friends birthday party they wanted to go to, toys thrown in bin if not tidied up, and on occasion smacked. I hated it so much and we fought about it all the time, as I didn't want to punish or bribe them. But now I am on my own, and I'm not sure them not listening to me is any better. I either shout and they might listen, or don't shout and they definitely won't listen. A lot of the time I'm just being really permissive because I can't face fighting. I could say I'm 'picking my battles' but when I'm letting them be late for school, and never clear up, and behave badly that's not me being permissive it's me just giving up for a bit. I know that. But I've read so many books and I try the strategies they don't seem to work with my kids. They seem to see me even asking them to put their shoes on or asking if they've remembered their water bottle as a reason to argue and act out.

Hitting them is assault.