Help me to stop being a shouty Mum

[ShoutyAnge]

I am a shouty parent and I hate it. It's not even effective, I literally am just throwing my toys out the pram while my kids continue to ignore me. They shout and scream, then I shout and scream over the top. I really want another way. I'm a single parent and a shouty mum with lots of kids, so was my Mum. So it's all I've ever known, but not what I want to continue doing. Every time I shout (basically every single morning, they don't even try to get ready until I raise my voice and so either I Shout, we are late, or both) I feel emotionally drained afterwards. It makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning, the chaos, tears (mostly mine), fighting and yelling is just unbearable. I left an abusive relationship, and yelling just feels like bullying to me. It feels like smacking their bums for slapping each other. Illogical completely. Has anyone else managed to change this pattern? I want to be the circuit breaker for my family, and show my Dc another way to communicate as a family.

Thank you everyone

Now that the younger two have gone to sleep (eldest still taking her time 🐌) I've had chance to think a bit more I think we've just got stuck in a rut where I'm not really getting any personal space or time, and that includes head space because of the noise level.
I think unfortunately when you've grown up with shouty parents then it's like the default to do the same thing, but I have a deep feeling that that's not for me, and have just been becoming increasingly aware that I am not starting my day in line with my values. I need to pick back up the habits that being me some calm, because whilst I'm coming from a place of stress, panic and chaos I can only ever hope to replicate the same for my kids. If I want to 'break the circuit' it's not enough for me to just leave a bad relationship with an abusive man (like my mum before me) because part of that same cycle is the shouty single mum and chaotic household. For me I couldn't wait to leave home and... guess what? Straight into the arms of my first abusive partner. That's what people do, often despite our best intentions, play out the same type of family pattern again and again. I don't want that. I want to change that pattern from chaos, stress, anxiety etc. To one of calm, acting with intention, responsive not reactive.
I think the last few days something in me has just broken, like I was under some kind of magic spell and the illusion just broke. I just thought, it is not just that I don't want to start the day with shouting (and sometimes end it that way too!) it's that it is deeply affecting me and draining my energy. It reminds me of when I finally realised I was in an abusive relationship and the scales dropped from my eyes, I just thought I just don't want to live this way. I don't want to have this same argument for the millionth time. There must be another way, because this is draining me. Just because I have so far played out my generational trauma doesn't mean I have to continue to do so, but making that change isn't going to be easy. I have no blue print for a calmer family life, I haven't learned how to communicate as a parent without shouting (or in my dads place manipulating, gaslighting, DARVO, FOG etc)
I love my mum so much but even now we have a lot of bust ups and make ups. And it doesn't take from her what it does from me. Because it's not a problem for her to 'have it out' and then 'hug it out' but I think that has changed for me. Maybe I've always been built differently. I want my family home to be an oasis of calm not a festival of colourful feelings. I don't have to default to what is high energy, chaotic and extroverted.

My action plan

1. Work out my priorities. Eg. If it's more important for me not to shout than it is to be on time, then I might be late but won't have shouted. Whereas if it's more important for me to be on time than not to shout, I will be on time but I might have shouted. But also on a larger scale, which reflects my wider life goals? Is my intention to be a punctual person or a calm one?

1. Now that I know my priorities, I need to start living by my primary priorities (my core aims or beliefs) and working towards the secondary ones. So eg. Not shouting, whilst only working on being on time. Then every time I want to shout to hurry things a long, I need to take a breath and remind myself that being on time is not worth shouting for me. I want to be on time, but not at the cost of shouting.

1. It's not going to be a easy process, change never is and I will have plenty of bumps along the road, but each of these will be an opportunity to reflect on what I could do differently and whether I am still acting in line with my core aims and beliefs or not. If I'm not, I can return to step one. Priorities can change and shift. But hopefully either way I will have developed more tools on my toolkit for dealing with those difficulties differently.

My main tools to use right now are:

Modelling. By not shouting and keeping my Cool I am setting the standard of the behaviour I want in our home and family. I am teaching my DC to communicate at a different volume level if nothing else!

Pre-empting problems before the occur. Having things ready the night before, and having breakfasts they can eat at home or on the way to school to help speed things a long. Trying to deal with minor arguments and meltdowns before they escalate into full on fights or tantrums. Try to notice the signs that things are being emotionally disregulated before it all falls apart.

'Time out' time for me to breathe, reconfigure and come up with a better strategy. Likewise, if DC are getting overwrought a bit of time out could help them to calm down.

Make it a 'musical.' Channel my inner Mary Poppins and try to find a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down, or their shoes go on, or their hair get brushed, or whatever. Try to make things a game and bring some fun and joy back into our lives. Start the day with a bit of silliness and light heartedness, so that we can try and bring that good energy with us to school and work, not feelings of stress, anxiety, resentment or frustration.

Find some space for myself. You can't pour from an empty cup, which is what I'm trying to do right now. Instead I need to start doing the things that feed the calm part of my soul. My yoga and meditation, breathing, swimming, dancing, run shopping which lift my soul instead of grinding me down. Find excuses for happiness and peacefulness. Strengthen my boundaries, and don't worry about things that are not meant for me. I can't change the whole world, especially not whilst my own life is a mess! Better to change my little corner of the world and have my own life in order.

This action plan is looking great! Can you break down some of those points even further to make it absolutely clear to you on any given day, what you're actually talking about in terms of actions/tasks/behaviour. The more specific the better.

You can do this. I can feel through the internet just how much you want this for yourself and the children.

Sounds like a great plan , hope you get there. I can see some very long days when someone is up from 4am till 11pm , that lack of sleep I certainly couldn't think and articulate like you have. Good luck

I’m a teacher and a parent of 3 close in age. Things that work well in school that also work well at home.

Routine and rules - every morning the same things happen at the same time. Same in the evening. They even sit in the same places at the table. Uncertainty makes them feel anxious.

No screen time in the mornings unless dressed before school. Also I threatened to take eldest to school in pjs if not ready, she didn’t believe me, but I wasn’t going to be late for work. So she went in pjs and her uniform in a bag. All the children now know the consequences of not getting dressed on time and I never have to shout about getting dressed.

No screen time after school unless they hang their uniform up put away their shoes, have done homework etc.

Kids go to bed at 7, they can read if they like so will be awake for longer or they’ll sleep but that is their winding down time. A tired child is emotional and prone to outbursts. At home and school.

Rewards for genuinely helpful behaviour and pushing themselves to achieve something. No rewards for just doing what they’re meant to.

BUT floods of praise for when they do what they’re meant to. Motivation to other children to get your praise. If seeking attention they will hopefully seek it by doing something they should rather than shouldn’t.

Sometimes kids have bad days and need a bit of slack now and then.

There's a book by phillipa Perry called the book your children wil be glad you read. I found it really helpful. My sons autistic so we have had to learn to manage behaviour differently as he communicates differently. A lot of it is about managing environment rather than discipline child. So for example he has set times on his gaming so we don't have arguments about coming off. Also picking battles so letting some of the little stuff go while you focus on the big stuff. When you want them to do something say why it's important to you so for example. "I want you to put your coat on because I'm worried you will be cold" But if they don't want to put coat on don't battle about it just take it with you, if they feel cold they can put it in.

Yours shouting because you are overwhelmed would some counselling or a mindfulness course help?

Great action plan! I definitely agree you need to be either calm or on time! Letting that go will help. If work are difficult, don’t forget you are a grown woman. You can tell them you expect to be late for the next week/ day etc. whilst you’re juggling the kids. No need to apologise, it is what it is.

If you can get up that bit earlier just to have time for yourself, that’s helpful too.

Identify any other triggers, and let that go too. Do they need a morning bath? Anything that can go, scrap it. Easy meals, just for now.

Then plan some fun activities to do. Stick an easy meal on for tea and play board games/cards/music have dance offs and simply muck about with the kids.

One of my triggers is tidying, so if that’s an issue, slow the housework and live in a mess for a while. Care less about all that stuff and focus on love and fun until you have the eldest taking more responsibility. She’s likely playing up because she wants to eat breakfast with you, get dressed with you, have fun with you. So just go for it. Middle child will be the same, so if they argue over games, they each get to pick one and you have to be present. Just until they start doing it on their own. Hide and seek etc. works a treat if you start them al playing, then leave halfway through to get breakfast ready or clean the kitchen.

Also, have bowls, cereal, milk etc. laid out so they can help themselves. Again, don’t stress about mess or how much they eat.

Also to say I’m sorry you had a crap relationship and childhood. It sucks, but you are out of both of those now. You are already winning and you are self aware enough to move forward. It’s going to be okay! And if you do end up shouting, give yourself a break and a mental hug 🤗

@ShoutyAnge That sounds like a great plan.

This must be so hard and tiring for you! But hope is on the horizon. Set your boundaries and stick to them. It will work.

Also a round of applause for the lady who sent her daughter to school in PJs... sometimes you've just got to do that.

The action plan is great. You should also take time to recognise your back story - you had a shouty upbringing and have left an abusive relationship. Your children have the emotional fallout from the abusive relationship.

Try to be kind to them and yourself. You can get there.

The simplest advice is a basic CBT one - put a rubber band on your wrist, when you feel like you may shout, twang it. Then take a deep breath and do instead.

I think you are very brave to post so honestly good luck.

Tell them you love them, first thing you say tomorrow.

@ShoutyAnge your plan sounds great!
Whilst you're putting the plan in place maybe headphones on low might help take the edge off the noise?

I grew up in a shouty environment too and loud sounds like screams and fights from others tend to fuzz up my thinking. I find it easier to keep or get calm and think better if I take the edge off the sound sometimes.

You’re probably expecting far too click of them

At that age they need to be pretty much spoon fed, they only really start with initiative at 8.

The younger ones could shower at night: this gives them less pressure in the mornings, also if everybody’s doing a different task then their oaths won’t cross so less friction. In our house, one showers first and the other breakfasts first then they swap.

@ShoutyAnge

My action plan

1. Work out my priorities. Eg. If it's more important for me not to shout than it is to be on time, then I might be late but won't have shouted. Whereas if it's more important for me to be on time than not to shout, I will be on time but I might have shouted. But also on a larger scale, which reflects my wider life goals? Is my intention to be a punctual person or a calm one?

1. Now that I know my priorities, I need to start living by my primary priorities (my core aims or beliefs) and working towards the secondary ones. So eg. Not shouting, whilst only working on being on time. Then every time I want to shout to hurry things a long, I need to take a breath and remind myself that being on time is not worth shouting for me. I want to be on time, but not at the cost of shouting.

1. It's not going to be a easy process, change never is and I will have plenty of bumps along the road, but each of these will be an opportunity to reflect on what I could do differently and whether I am still acting in line with my core aims and beliefs or not. If I'm not, I can return to step one. Priorities can change and shift. But hopefully either way I will have developed more tools on my toolkit for dealing with those difficulties differently.

My main tools to use right now are:

Modelling. By not shouting and keeping my Cool I am setting the standard of the behaviour I want in our home and family. I am teaching my DC to communicate at a different volume level if nothing else!

Pre-empting problems before the occur. Having things ready the night before, and having breakfasts they can eat at home or on the way to school to help speed things a long. Trying to deal with minor arguments and meltdowns before they escalate into full on fights or tantrums. Try to notice the signs that things are being emotionally disregulated before it all falls apart.

'Time out' time for me to breathe, reconfigure and come up with a better strategy. Likewise, if DC are getting overwrought a bit of time out could help them to calm down.

Make it a 'musical.' Channel my inner Mary Poppins and try to find a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down, or their shoes go on, or their hair get brushed, or whatever. Try to make things a game and bring some fun and joy back into our lives. Start the day with a bit of silliness and light heartedness, so that we can try and bring that good energy with us to school and work, not feelings of stress, anxiety, resentment or frustration.

Find some space for myself. You can't pour from an empty cup, which is what I'm trying to do right now. Instead I need to start doing the things that feed the calm part of my soul. My yoga and meditation, breathing, swimming, dancing, run shopping which lift my soul instead of grinding me down. Find excuses for happiness and peacefulness. Strengthen my boundaries, and don't worry about things that are not meant for me. I can't change the whole world, especially not whilst my own life is a mess! Better to change my little corner of the world and have my own life in order.

Incredible plan 👍🏼

OP, you sound like an amazing mum putting in so much effort to change things. I too have been battling the guilt of being "shouty mum" recently - I feel inspired by you to make my own changes. And thanks to other PPs for such helpful advice and links x

@Fucket

I’m a teacher and a parent of 3 close in age. Things that work well in school that also work well at home.

Routine and rules - every morning the same things happen at the same time. Same in the evening. They even sit in the same places at the table. Uncertainty makes them feel anxious.

No screen time in the mornings unless dressed before school. Also I threatened to take eldest to school in pjs if not ready, she didn’t believe me, but I wasn’t going to be late for work. So she went in pjs and her uniform in a bag. All the children now know the consequences of not getting dressed on time and I never have to shout about getting dressed.

No screen time after school unless they hang their uniform up put away their shoes, have done homework etc.

Kids go to bed at 7, they can read if they like so will be awake for longer or they’ll sleep but that is their winding down time. A tired child is emotional and prone to outbursts. At home and school.

Rewards for genuinely helpful behaviour and pushing themselves to achieve something. No rewards for just doing what they’re meant to.

BUT floods of praise for when they do what they’re meant to. Motivation to other children to get your praise. If seeking attention they will hopefully seek it by doing something they should rather than shouldn’t.

Sometimes kids have bad days and need a bit of slack now and then.

Brilliant reply!

OP I’m not a great example myself as I am turning shouty with my kids lately (30 weeks pregnant I blame the hormones!) but I did do a course called positive parenting online which was so good- the techniques made a lot of sense.

For eg controlling the environment (removing triggers/hot items that cause arguments); when-then routines (when you have got changed, then you can have breakfast); do-overs (if ur kids are rude or speak with a whiny voice you give them a hand signal to remind them to ask/speak again nicely) etc etc. I’m going to start it again as we only got through 1 unit but it was so useful, and one of the aims was to create cooperation and reduce shouting, and help kids feel empowered without you losing control of the situation.

The main thing she advocated was giving each of your kids 10 min me-time a day, so they spend 10 min doing whatever activity they chose with you. I did find it cut down on the aggro (mine are 8 and 5), defiance from the older one etc.

Also I would suggest an earlier bedtime for the 8 year old, maybe for them all depending on when they go to sleep. That really makes a different to how ratty they get in response to your requests.

I highly recommend peaceful parent, happy kids by laura markham. She also has a website - Aha Parenting and an online course. I also ended up doing the course which was really valuable.

I come from a shouty upbringing and so shouting comes quite naturally to me, but I didn’t want to be that parent.

I’ve also read ‘How to talk so kids will listen’ which is similar, but preferred the former and felt it more appropriate for all ages, whereas ‘how to talk’ seemed more suited to older kids.

I’ve also recently realised that PMT was a factor in those times when I would lose my temper. I started taking really good fish oils for a different reason but they really seem to have balanced my moods. Maybe this could help you too?

The course I recommended is the same one @mowglika suggests. Once you’ve signed up you have access forever - this thread has reminded me that I should go back and have a refresh.

I think when you're stuck in a rut it all contributes to an ever downward spirally disaster zone. Sometimes you need to call a halt, let what's burning burn and move on. My 2.5 year old nearly broke me, we got a sleep therapist and she said he was chronically overtired (I don't care how dramatic a description that is I fecking love the descriptor) but I found once I started getting more sleep time and more me time I was more chill and able to be calm. And the more I try get away from them the more they want me. But you can't get more sleep if everyone is overwrought so it's so hard to break the cycle. I think as people say- lean in. Maybe cuddle with the eldest on the couch if she's up watching tv past 8. Get her to properly relax and unwind so that you can get her more rested and less of an antichrist and start to impose more of a routine. Or does she enjoy reading? Can you get some good stories to read together? Like Harry Potter or Roald Dahl. It means giving up more of yourself but hopefully to ultimately get more in the long term?

I feel like am going through this at the moment. My kids are constantly fighting, bickering, complaining about the most Silliest of things. They both already have so much attitude. They have started talking to us like they would with their friends, it's disrespectful which makes me shout at them because when I talk they don't listen at all, they will mimic what I say, pull faces but when I shout they won't dare to do that. Mornings are the most stressful! I'm already shouting before I even realise because I know they won't listen if I ask politely. Then I feel bad. I've spoken to them about it a million times, but obviously goes in one ear and out the other. My eldest is just the worse, constantly huffing and puffing at everything, honestly I sometimes have to leave the room for my own sanity.
I've even started to hate the weekends because of them refusing to get ready and then complaining about where it is that we are going.

I don't want them to remember me as the shouty mum, they already say am a strict parent, they seriously have no idea what strict actually is!
I'll defo be looking at the book suggested above

Hi OP

I almost started a thread tonight about my four year old. Her behaviour is spiralling. She shouts and hits and screams and doesn’t care about any consequences and I’m at a total and utter loss. I have tried every damn strategy in the books but she’s so bloody minded.

So I can’t tell you anything. I cried tonight after she eventually went to sleep because she’s about broken me. But I also adore her and feel like I am failing her. So a bit of solidarity from me I guess. And I’m reading with interest.