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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner refuse to come Home to help take care of our child

64 replies

Veronica34 · 16/03/2022 14:42

Hi mums,

Me and my partner decided to move to my home country last June. We have been talking about this for years.
He kept his Job in the UK and was supposed to Apply for jobs here. He applied for one then gave up. He has continued to work in the UK and is here when he has annual leave- and some weekends. It sometimes goes up to six weeks without him seeing our 4 year old. I have managed on my own for 7 months, and I dont have much outside help plus I also work and in fact make the most money. I buy most of the clothes/holidays etc for our child.
Now I have got Covid quite bad and he is refusing to come Home to help. He Said he might come over if I end up in hospital. I am feeling quite poorly and Im never usually ill. I have tried to explain that he needs to come Home for our childs sake, not mine. He still refuses.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling this is a betrayal? I'm not sure I will be able to easily forgive this one.

OP posts:

FTEngineerM · 16/03/2022 14:45

If family does come first then it’s the boot I’m afraid, imo.

FTEngineerM · 16/03/2022 14:45

Doesnt*

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 16/03/2022 14:54

Essentially you have moved your child and he is over there doing as he pleases.

What do you get from the relationship ? What is he normally like with your child parenting wise ?

Schwarz · 16/03/2022 14:55

How far is your home country from the UK? Are there any travel restrictions? Do you have family local to you who can help? Is it expensive to travel?

On the surface, he should be helping out when you're ill and looking after your DC. But if it's a five hour flight with restrictions which is expensive, and he can't get leave from his job to go - then I'm not sure what the solution is!

SparkleSpangle · 16/03/2022 14:56

I think your relationship is over. Sorry.

Hoppinggreen · 16/03/2022 14:57

He left you a while ago, he just hasn’t had the balls to tell you yet

gurly · 16/03/2022 14:58

I don't think it sounds like you are in a relationship anymore unfortunately 1 regardless of you having covid, from what you've said - he's completely zoned out of your relationship but just hasn't told you by the sounds.

Sorry op, hope you feel better soon

MaizeAmaze · 16/03/2022 15:05

I think there are 2 things going on.
No, I don't think he should jump on a plane and fly to you mid week, however his attitude sucks, and he clearly doesn't want to relocate.
I'd recover from covid, and then do some serious thinking about what the future of your relationship might look like. It sounds like you either need to return to him or split, as it doesn't sound like he will move.

Original poster

Veronica34 · 16/03/2022 15:08

What an I getting from the relationship indeed I am asking myself the same thing.
He is a pretty "hands on" father when he is around. Tends to get angry a bit quickly though..And I would say not so good w boundaries/the raising part....

OP posts:

Original poster

Veronica34 · 16/03/2022 15:09

No travel restrictions and a two hour flight- we are in a Scandinavian capitol city

OP posts:

ForeverSingle881 · 16/03/2022 15:09

He's already dumped you, OP. He has a great thing going, why would he change that? Cut ties and move on, well done for being in your home country already. Do not move back under any circumstance as he may stop you going home again with your child.

Sirzy · 16/03/2022 15:11

Was it a properly planned out agreement to move? Seems odd that he didn’t sort a job etc there before you moved.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 16/03/2022 15:12

Your partner never really decided to move to your home city. The evidence that he kept his UK job tells you exactly how committed he was.

Raise your bar from the ground and make the best decision for you and your child. And that very well may be ending this 'relationship' as you may as well be a single parent with all the help you are getting from him. And if he's a grumpy pain when he is with you then pull up stumps now. It's better in the long run.

notanothertakeaway · 16/03/2022 15:14

Impossible for any of us to know who is BU. His version of the story might be -

"My partner and I met in UK. She has always wanted to return to her home country. Eventually, we agreed to move in June 2021. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find work there yet, so I'm currently stuck in the UK, only able to see my partner and child, during my own annual leave. I miss them terribly

My partner has Covid. I realise it's difficult for her, but she seems to be managing. She wants me to drop everything to go over to help. My employers might allow unpaid leave at short notice if she were in hospital, but not otherwise. She thinks I'm being unsupportive, but my annual leave is very limited"

FelicityPike · 16/03/2022 15:19

He moved you & his child back to your country to get rid of you.
He’s done. Does he send regular money to you?
Once your better, start divorce proceedings.

SartresSoul · 16/03/2022 15:22

It wasn’t planned out very well if he didn’t find a job there before you moved was it? He obviously doesn’t want to live there and I’d argue he’s left you as well but hasn’t had the bollocks to tell you yet for some reason.

Sirzy · 16/03/2022 15:25

@notanothertakeaway

Impossible for any of us to know who is BU. His version of the story might be -

Exactly. It’s easy to forget that their are two sides to every story.

Parky04 · 16/03/2022 15:27

@Hoppinggreen

He left you a while ago, he just hasn’t had the balls to tell you yet

Yep 100% agree.

steff13 · 16/03/2022 15:29

Was he really in agreement with the move?

Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 16/03/2022 15:29

Your DH is living as a single man not a family man, with no inclination to move or find employment near to you both. Why that is , I don't know

Get your ducks in a row. You're not a Team.

Seraphinesupport · 16/03/2022 15:29

I agree with the others, he has left you, hes living the single life in UK and thinks its easier to just see you whenever than to leave you

Original poster

Veronica34 · 16/03/2022 15:29

I also think there are two sides to the story. He works in the arts and so it's limited what kind og jobs he can do over here due to the language. Then there has been a pandemic and so hiring has kind of been on pause here. That Said he hasnt made an effort to learn the language and we have been together for 12(!) Years. I do think he misses our son terribly but I'm unsure about me. Our relationship has been "dead" for quite some time

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 16/03/2022 15:32

It sounds like he has opted out of being a father and partner tbh, and is enjoying life as a single man who doesn't feel responsible for you or the dc.

Original poster

Veronica34 · 16/03/2022 15:33

I am somewhat in agreement with all the comments stating he has left the relationship and now has best of both worlds. He keeps talking about how much he misses us and how awful it is that we Are here. And he wants us to move back, I am also missing the UK. But I am very uncertain about moving back now, especially considering he doesnt make an effort to help out when I have Covid.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 16/03/2022 15:38

The fact you and your child moved to a country you knew had such limited employment opportunities for him with no proper plan suggests you are probably as checked out as he is?

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