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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner refuse to come Home to help take care of our child

64 replies

Veronica34 · 16/03/2022 14:42

Hi mums,

Me and my partner decided to move to my home country last June. We have been talking about this for years.
He kept his Job in the UK and was supposed to Apply for jobs here. He applied for one then gave up. He has continued to work in the UK and is here when he has annual leave- and some weekends. It sometimes goes up to six weeks without him seeing our 4 year old. I have managed on my own for 7 months, and I dont have much outside help plus I also work and in fact make the most money. I buy most of the clothes/holidays etc for our child.
Now I have got Covid quite bad and he is refusing to come Home to help. He Said he might come over if I end up in hospital. I am feeling quite poorly and Im never usually ill. I have tried to explain that he needs to come Home for our childs sake, not mine. He still refuses.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling this is a betrayal? I'm not sure I will be able to easily forgive this one.

OP posts:
TheChronicalTales · 16/03/2022 15:38

Now I have got Covid quite bad and he is refusing to come Home to help.

I think the problem here is he is home. He hasn’t moved with you, seems like he has no plans to. The UK is his home and he obviously sees visiting you both as a holiday.

LIZS · 16/03/2022 15:42

Agree with pp. His home is in UK, your and dc's is now in Scandinavia. What was the reasoning behind moving if work opportunities were so limited for him and you have no support network?

Pyewhacket · 16/03/2022 15:42

@steff13

Was he really in agreement with the move?
Just what I was thinking. He doesn't want to move, probably never did. And if the relationship has been "dead" for quite a while then why would he. I know I wouldn't.

You need to find family at home to help you.

notanothertakeaway · 16/03/2022 15:59

@Sirzy

The fact you and your child moved to a country you knew had such limited employment opportunities for him with no proper plan suggests you are probably as checked out as he is?
Agree with @Sirzy

OP, it does sound as though your relationship may have run its course. I hope everything turns out OK for you, but in his shoes, I don't blame him for staying in UK

TonkaTruckduck · 16/03/2022 16:11

You've split up by stealth.
Put in a CMS claim, arrange a contact schedule and get an au pair or other childcare.
You aren't in a relationship, it's daft to keep on pretending you are.

SauceGirl · 16/03/2022 16:16

Tbh it sounds more like you left him..

InkySquid · 16/03/2022 16:26

That Said he hasnt made an effort to learn the language and we have been together for 12(!) Years

If you've been living in the UK all that time I think expecting him to learn the language to a level where he would be employable is a bit unfair. I've been with my Danish partner for 15 years, I currently have a 900 day streak of learning Danish on Duolingo but I'm still miles off any sort of fluency.

Elsiebear90 · 16/03/2022 16:29

So he can’t speak the language, can’t get a job there, and is unlikely ever to given the industry he works in and inability to speak the language, and yet you still moved yourself and your child there without him?

He visits when he can, but you have covid and expect him to drop everything and come to look after you? He probably can’t get the time off work at short notice unless you’re very ill. I think YABVU and I feel sorry for him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/03/2022 16:36

"He kept his Job in the UK and was supposed to Apply for jobs here. He applied for one then gave up."

Sorry, but your relationship exists in name onlySad. He waved you goodbye and paid lip service to joining you.

MichelleScarn · 16/03/2022 16:42

@Elsiebear90

So he can’t speak the language, can’t get a job there, and is unlikely ever to given the industry he works in and inability to speak the language, and yet you still moved yourself and your child there without him?

He visits when he can, but you have covid and expect him to drop everything and come to look after you? He probably can’t get the time off work at short notice unless you’re very ill. I think YABVU and I feel sorry for him.

This, I'm sure I remember previous posts and he has NEVER wanted to move but you were insistent on the move due to all the help and support you'd get?
Mydogmylife · 16/03/2022 16:43

@Sirzy

The fact you and your child moved to a country you knew had such limited employment opportunities for him with no proper plan suggests you are probably as checked out as he is?
This
TravellingFrom · 16/03/2022 16:45

@Sirzy

The fact you and your child moved to a country you knew had such limited employment opportunities for him with no proper plan suggests you are probably as checked out as he is?
I disagree with that. If it has been on the cards for a long time and he has alwaqys said he wanted to go too, there is no reason why the OP should have doubted him or done it because she doesbt care about him either....

Having said that @Veronica34, I am in a similar position and my DH has never learnt my own language despite being left out from the conversations I have with your dcs.
I think you were naive to think he would llearn the language if he hasnt made in the effort in 12 years.

TravellingFrom · 16/03/2022 16:48

Btw, if the relationhsip is dead, it is dead.
Trying to estabish who was right/wrong, did this or that isn't ging to change anything.
You moving back to the UK isn't going to change that either. The fact he isn't coming to support you with dc is not here nor there really. You just don't move, let alone move country, for a partner when you think things are dead anyway...

Shitfuckcommaetc · 16/03/2022 16:57

It's not coming home to help though is it? That's not his home.

You're asking him to fly over, catch covid off you, stay whilst he has it and can't fly, probably get in trouble with work and lose wages ect.

steff13 · 16/03/2022 17:10

Why did you move back to your home country if you didn't have much support there? If that was the case, it would have made more sense to stay with your husband.

2bazookas · 16/03/2022 17:11

It doesn't sound as if he ever intended to move to your home country. In effect he used a false promise in order to send you and child back there on your own. He doesn't "support" you at the best of times.

. No surprise he doesn't rush to your aid when you're infected and infectious

RampantIvy · 16/03/2022 17:15

After reading some of the responses on here I did a search on the OP’s other posts. The husband has a history of emotional and physical abuse, illegal substance abuse and is a heavy drinker. Quite frankly he sounds awful.

You did the best thing by going back to your home country @Veronica34. IMO you need to divorce him.

I hope you feel better soon Flowers

JMPB · 16/03/2022 17:28

I think your being unreasonable expecting him to drop everything and fly over. I know if I did that personally and work wouldn’t let me have the time off I’d be without a job.

The other bits you mentioned you both need to decide where you want to live and if you want to be in a relationship because it sounds like he doesn’t want to move and is hoping you’ll go back to UK.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 16/03/2022 17:37

He might come over if you end up in hospital? Fucking what? I’d dump his arse for that alone.

Hope you feel better soon OP.

SirChenjins · 16/03/2022 17:42

I echo pp who have said it sounds like he’s checked out of your relationship already. It sounds very much as if he’s coming to see your DC rather than you, which makes me wonder if he has met someone in the UK and that’s how he’s explaining his trips over to your country.

BloodyN0rah · 16/03/2022 17:43

Sorry OP, it sounds like you’re already a single parent.

BrightonBunny · 16/03/2022 17:48

I agree you have split up by stealth. May as well formalise it so you will get proper financial support from him.

I hope you feel better soon OP Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/03/2022 18:19

I don’t think he should come back if you are able to function. The hospital comment was really unkind.

However, I’ve just read what @RampantIvy said about your husband.

You should do what is best long term for you and your child. He doesn’t sound reliable, respectful or loving and I also think your relationship is effectively over.

If you want to return to the U.K., that’s something to explore. You’ll have to think about whether this suits your ds you’re now settled in your home country and have the possibility to bring your ds up there.

I am married to a foreigner, we have a child and are in my home country. I’m happier that way tbh.

BoredZelda · 16/03/2022 18:41

I agree with the others, he has left you

She forced a move to a country where he has few job prospects, doesn’t speak the language and has no friends or family. I’d say she left him first.

WonderfulYou · 16/03/2022 18:49

I’ve not voted as I don’t think he should fly over just because you have covid.

But I do think he needs to either be actively looking for new jobs or being honest and telling you he don’t be moving over.

Do you have a lot of support over there?