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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner refuse to come Home to help take care of our child

64 replies

Veronica34 · 16/03/2022 14:42

Hi mums,

Me and my partner decided to move to my home country last June. We have been talking about this for years.
He kept his Job in the UK and was supposed to Apply for jobs here. He applied for one then gave up. He has continued to work in the UK and is here when he has annual leave- and some weekends. It sometimes goes up to six weeks without him seeing our 4 year old. I have managed on my own for 7 months, and I dont have much outside help plus I also work and in fact make the most money. I buy most of the clothes/holidays etc for our child.
Now I have got Covid quite bad and he is refusing to come Home to help. He Said he might come over if I end up in hospital. I am feeling quite poorly and Im never usually ill. I have tried to explain that he needs to come Home for our childs sake, not mine. He still refuses.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling this is a betrayal? I'm not sure I will be able to easily forgive this one.

OP posts:
VariationsonaTheme · 16/03/2022 18:54

You’re the one who left, not him. And yes yabvu to expect him to be able to drop everything and fly to a different country, just because you feel unwell!

HikingforScenery · 16/03/2022 18:56

It doesn’t sound like he wanted to move in the first place, I’m afraid. Are you sure you didn’t try to force his hand with the move?

PinaColada123456 · 16/03/2022 19:00

It seems like you're not married (despite a 4 year old child and being together for 12 years?) so he has no commitment to you does he. Which makes it easier for him to come and go (and you have no idea what or rather 'who' he is doing over there) at odd times. By the sounds of it, you don't actually have a real relationship. I have no doubt he has another family (or at least woman) back in his country. YANBU but you are unreasonable to not demand commitment after all this time, and to accept being just a part-time girlfriend. You need to accept you don't have a committed actual relationship and be prepared to go it alone. Which is what you are basically doing now, going it alone.

BadNomad · 16/03/2022 19:05

It sounds like you left him tbh.

Cherrysoup · 16/03/2022 19:08

He can probably force you to move back. Has he mentioned this yet? I'd be really unhappy if my partner wanted me to move abroad to a country where I didn't speak the language.

Squeezita · 16/03/2022 19:10

I'm glad you have the higher paying job and that you're in your home country already.

He now can't force you to remain in the UK so he can see his child.

Give him an ultimatum and if he refuses, stop letting him have free holidays at your expense.

Does he pay towards his child?

MichelleScarn · 16/03/2022 19:23

@PinaColada123456

It seems like you're not married (despite a 4 year old child and being together for 12 years?) so he has no commitment to you does he. Which makes it easier for him to come and go (and you have no idea what or rather 'who' he is doing over there) at odd times. By the sounds of it, you don't actually have a real relationship. I have no doubt he has another family (or at least woman) back in his country. YANBU but you are unreasonable to not demand commitment after all this time, and to accept being just a part-time girlfriend. You need to accept you don't have a committed actual relationship and be prepared to go it alone. Which is what you are basically doing now, going it alone.
Are you on the right thread? Op and partner have been living together in UK for 12 years, she wanted to move back home where the DP and doesn't speak the language and did so on her own. I know its MN trope but can you imagine the advice given if this was in reverse? My DP wants me and out child to move to his home country where I won't be able to work or speak the language. I'll be fully reliant on him for everything..... Maybe op has another family or man back home?....
PinaColada123456 · 16/03/2022 19:27

@MichelleScarn Are you on the right thread? Op and partner have been living together in UK for 12 years, she wanted to move back home where the DP and doesn't speak the language and did so on her own.

Yes, and? What's that got to do with the OP's post? That her partner has no commitment to her and takes off for 'work' all the time, when he won't bother to learn the language of the country he currently resides in? And won't return to care for OP and their DC?

Dontbeme · 16/03/2022 19:32

OP if this is the man that assaulted you and was arrested for it, you are better off being in a different country safely with your child.

PinaColada123456 · 16/03/2022 19:38

@Dontbeme

OP if this is the man that assaulted you and was arrested for it, you are better off being in a different country safely with your child.
Wait.... what? Where was that mentioned, it seems I missed something.
aylis · 16/03/2022 19:45

YANBU. At all.

PaniniHead · 16/03/2022 19:46

‘ We have had our ups and downs and once was in a fight so bad that he ended up slapping me and ended behind bars, restraining order, CPS etc. But out of care for him I withdrew my side of the story so he wouldnt loose his job as a teacher.’

He has been arrested for assaulting you, you had social service involvement and a restraining order.

Why the fuck do you want him anywhere near you or your baby?

MichelleScarn · 16/03/2022 20:06

@PaniniHead

‘ We have had our ups and downs and once was in a fight so bad that he ended up slapping me and ended behind bars, restraining order, CPS etc. But out of care for him I withdrew my side of the story so he wouldnt loose his job as a teacher.’

He has been arrested for assaulting you, you had social service involvement and a restraining order.

Why the fuck do you want him anywhere near you or your baby?

Bloody hell, why wouldn't you move away from a guy like that! I'd be ecstatic he was in another country!
MiniCooperLover · 16/03/2022 20:27

He made It easy for you to take your child to another country, he isn't bothered about his family I'm afraid or he'd have never allowed that

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