I keep falling out with everyone!

[nomannocry]

I know I am being unreasonable but I just needed a place to vent I suppose and maybe some advice to see if others have been in the same position.

I have been beyond stressed the past few months. It's a mixture between depression/anxiety but due to circumstances out with my control.

Last week I fell out with my friend, for no reason, I just flew off the handle and said some horrible things. Luckily he forgave me and we moved on from it as I apologised profusely once I had calmed down. However, I am so irritable, more than I ever have been before. I'm quite a chilled person really so it is really unlike me.

I am finding all my friends really irritating, any small comment they make I take it as a personal dig at me but have thankfully managed to keep my mouth shut.

This morning my mum and dad were meant to be taking me out for breakfast to celebrate a new job I got. The parking in my mums street is a nightmare. When I went in this morning I literally had 0 miles left on my car for petrol so I said to her as soon as we're finished breakfast I need to go and get petrol as I have zero miles. She asked where I had parked and I said across the street. She said you only get an hour there. I said it'll be fine and she replied no I'm not risking it. I said what do you mean you're not risking it? It's not your car! She then said you'll need to move it and find another space. I really didn't have enough petrol to be driving around looking for a parking space. So I said aw just forget breakfast, I'll just go and I stormed out.

I went and got petrol and am now home lying in bed trying to not cry because I just don't know why I'm behaving like this. It's not me at all, I feel constantly grumpy and it's not nice to be in a bad mood all the time. At the same time I don't know how to stop acting like this.

It's almost like an out of body experience. I know I'm behaving like this, I'm watching myself, I'm thinking 'you wanker' but can't stop myself. Then I have to deal with the shame and guilt and embarrassment for my behaviour when I eventually have to apologise for it. It's like a red mist descends and I can't control it.

What is happening to me?

On reflection I don’t think it was one single thing that made me snap @maccheeseandpeas it was lots of little things. I suddenly realised I was wasting time and money on people who had let me down in lots of small ways over the years. I’d make time for people, book annual leave and look after their kids or go to really awful evenings out that I had no interest in, to show up for them and then I’d get upset they didn’t do the same. I finally realised I can’t change them so I need to change the way I deal with them, it hasn’t worked out well and I know I’m going to lose friends but it was making me ill trying to be there for everyone and having no one to rely on myself.

How have things been for you today @nomannocry ? I hope you've managed to relax a little.

'I'm not taking the risk' with this weird look on her face and I'm thinking what does she mean SHE'S not taking the risk? It's my car! I'd be paying the fine! I'm 29 years old, I don't need my mum to tell me where to park

Whatever medical issue might or might not be making you blow your top, and its probably best to investigate that, I actually think your DM's comments really annoying.

I note that the meeting was to celebrate a new job.. its always stressful/apprehensive changing jobs - no matter how much you may have wanted to leave the old one.
I think you are also annoyed that instead of connecting with you, they focussed on fussing and telling you off for parking, when you'd stated that you thought an hour was ample and you couldn't drive around due to petrol etc...
They weren't listening to you. Could that be it?
They didn't noticed how stressed you were feeling, and then having seen an uncharacteristic flipping of the lid, they've chosen to ignore rather than check up on you.
I do think as you are moving on in your career and growing older that the need to assert our independence becomes very strong and being capable at work means its not a great feeling when someone puts you down by saying they can't take the risk.

A pp said you don't go from 0-60 , you've probably been at 59 for a while. I also think there is something in @Nikkiten and @maccheeseandpeas comments. Could it be that this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Do you do a lot of people pleasing, or trying to get their approval and not really feel that people are making the same effort with you? It's OK to feel that way. Maybe its something to look at when you feel calmer and work out how you want to proceed, maybe it means saying no more often.
If you are really stressed out, I think you should give yourself the night off and stop telling yourself off, give your self a chance to relax or at least distract yourself with something soothing. This too will pass, hope you feel better soon.

Why didn't you fill up before you went to their house/on the way there? That's what most people would do. Why would you deliberately let it go down to 0? Why risk that?

Then again, I am someone who has been taught to always keep the car half full at all times in case of an emergency. So to run it down to 0 is horrifying to me.

OP fwiw, I’m like you with petrol (tho diesel) I finally had enough money to fill my car whne I was younger and I had a crash and lost the entire tank :( I’ve never been able to keep a full tank since then!
Anyway.. I get like you with stress and anxiety.. proper arsey and proper touchy. Your mum was annoying and when I’m on a downer I react like you too.. is she always nitpicking? Mine is. I call her out on it now and it’s improved a LOT. It’s taken me time to get my confidence up to do this though. Best of luck

Thank you everyone. You've all given me really great advice and food for thought! I appreciate it! I relaxed yesterday and did some cooking, my little girl was at her dads for the night and as much as I love her, it was nice to just have a quiet night cooking, eating a tasty meal and relaxing without having to worry about anything else. Felt much better and calm going to bed last night.

I apologised to my mum, she said, 'were you a bit mental?' 😂

I’m really glad you feel better. Nice that your mum understood I guess!

You are highly stressed, it happens.

It's probably taken some time to get to this point and now you need to devote time to getting out of it.

Your main focus needs to be well-being. This means attention to sleep hygiene, diet, exercise, and limiting contact with people who complain and/or criticise.

You can't do it all at once so just start small. Plan a bedtime and stick to it. Cut out alcohol for a few weeks. Drink more water. Eat more vegetables. Crow bar in exercise even if it's just a 30min walk. Stick to light hearted or funny TV. Take a breather from friends and relatives who are likely to irritate you. Download a meditative sleep track and use it to get to sleep each night, it'll help you sleep more deeply and restfully.

And of course see your GP for a physical check.

I also think that people are generally quite down/irritable/anxious. We have been bombarded with bad news for a long time now, and had to adapt to some hugely stressful situations wrt the pandemic.