Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not understand why do would take the risk with the baby?

96 replies

Poppoppogo · 14/03/2022 20:51

I feel like DP is taking really silly risks with our baby. They’re less than 2 months old.

I just found DP filling up the bottle machine with water from the upstairs tap. We’ve discussed loads of times that we think it might come from the tank in the attic, it tastes very odd. I don’t drink it, but DP isn’t really bothered and fills up his bedside glass from there. I was quite upset, and asked dp not to do it. He looked at me like I was overreacting and said he was fine and he drinks it and the machine has a filter. I said why take the risk for the sake of just going downstairs, and he’s now gone to bed annoyed at me.

This isn’t the only thing. I watched him doing the powder for the bottle the other day by just sort of shaking it a bit level rather than using the leveller. DC has a sensitive tummy and it annoys me that he couldn’t just do it properly.

We made a 2 minute car journey a few days ago. When I got there I found that he’d done the car seat straps up, but not tightened them at all. His argument that it was only 2 minutes.

He regularly puts DC in odd sleeping positions and places. I went upstairs the other day and DC was on our bed, with a blanket practically over their face, right at the top of the bed where there’s a baby-head-sized gap. No baby monitor on.

I am a bit of a worrier, but he normally does things really fastidiously and I really don’t get why he would suddenly be taking those risks with our tiny baby.

Am I being naggy and overreacting or is he being careless?

OP posts:

wanttomarryamillionaire · 14/03/2022 22:16

My ex did these sort of things and i felt bad for constantly nagging. However this progressed to even worse disregard for the kids safety by drink driving with the kids in the car and making ds age 6 sit in the footwell of a van for 2 hours on the motorway so that he could bring his latest girlfriend on a trip! He is no longer allowed any contact with the dc! Please make sure this doesn't progress on to real disregard for your dc safety.

Geezabreak82 · 14/03/2022 22:19

I grew up in a house (1970s built) that a plumbing system that meant you couldn't drink the water from the upstairs taps. If you've got a cold water tank in the loft that supplies the upstairs taps it's probably risky to drink. Filtering isn't going to help - it needs to be boiled to make it safe.

If he thinks you are just being a nag could you get your health visitor to have a word about some safety basics? It's a shame you didn't do antenatal classes together too because it sounds like he would have really benefited from it. I wonder if there are any parenting classes he could attend now?

DockOTheBay · 14/03/2022 22:23

Basically, don’t let him have anything to do with feeding or sleep or baths or things like car seats.
So he doesn't do any baby care, OP does it all? Sounds like a pretty shit deal for her.

R00K · 14/03/2022 22:26

@Chamomileteaplease

OMG! Might he be trying to emotionally/mentally abuse you by mistreating your baby? To me that would be torture.

I hope someone here knows what you should do because personally I would not let him anywhere near my baby .

You really need help.

Summerfun54321 · 14/03/2022 22:30

My parents found a dead pigeon in their upstairs water tank that feeds their bathroom tap. We were told never to drink the water as children, glad I never did! There’s no way on earth I’d give water tank water to a newborn.

Zerrin13 · 14/03/2022 22:30

Why are you letting this slapdash cretin anywhere near bottle making and sleeping positions etc?
I've had 3 children and I'm sure my husband could have followed instructions as to how to correctly make a bottle but I did all the bottles, sterilising etc. I wouldn't have wanted absolutely anyone doing it if I fit and able. Some men think they know best when it comes to babies but actually they know fuck all.

Petsop · 14/03/2022 22:31

Thick men are not attractive

Lunalicious · 14/03/2022 22:33

Aren't those pre-prep machines a massive risk anyway? Seems odd to me to use something which is known for being a breeding ground for germs but then getting shitty with your DH for other stuff.

DaveGrohl · 14/03/2022 22:33

Safe sleeping is non negotiable. That’s how babies die - sorry if that sounds harsh but that’s the reality. He does not sound like he is intellectually capable of parenting.

FantasticFebruary · 14/03/2022 22:33

@Findingthelight1

With DC1 I'd have been with you. By the time I got to DC2 I'd have just wanted to focus on the genuinely dangerous stuff (baby asleep on your bed with their face almost under a blanket, for example) rather than the non issues (the water, the not using a leveller for formula)

Water from a tank in the loft is not a 'non issue' for babies/children, but especially not for a tiny baby!!

Kanfuzed123 · 14/03/2022 22:52

@Lunalicious

Aren't those pre-prep machines a massive risk anyway? Seems odd to me to use something which is known for being a breeding ground for germs but then getting shitty with your DH for other stuff.

Yeah they are but it’s making something that can be unsafe into something even more unsafe. It’s a recipe for disaster.

I don’t get it, the nhs website says you can make up an extra bottle and put it in the fridge if you can’t be bothered / don’t have time to make up night feeds or better yet but a little carton of instant formula. Between prep machines and those cheapy harmony car seats, it never ceases to amaze me the corners some people cut for convenience

IdentifyingAsAPrincess · 14/03/2022 23:03

People are being so rude about those machines, I'm not familiar with them but presumably they are marketed as safe and people buy them in good faith. If I hadn't read this thread then I wouldn't know they are risky. Maybe other people are lead to believe that the safety is as good and the baby wouldn't have to wait for the bottle?

Kanfuzed123 · 14/03/2022 23:12

@IdentifyingAsAPrincess

It’s very clever marketing that’s for sure but they are unsafe.

Sadly a lot of baby products are unsafe but still sold so people assume it’s ok, car seats that break on impact, cot bumpers, sleep nest, baby cushions and positioners and the prep machines

appleturnovers · 14/03/2022 23:15

Does he know why the rules are there? It sounds like he perhaps hasn't quite understood what the dangers are... perhaps if you explained them/showed him some resources (and don't sugar coat it) he might get the message?

And then if he doesn't get the message, then you'll know he has absolutely no excuse and he's being reckless with your child's safety.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 14/03/2022 23:20

YANBU

I think you need to share some SIDS information with him. He's taking really stupid risks.

Your job, as mum, is to keep baby safe the best you can. If you aren't comfortable leaving baby with your child then I wouldn't.

The car strap thing is ridiculous. It literally takes 2 secs to have a car accident.

User478 · 14/03/2022 23:33

Never drink that water:

Get your Health Visitor to speak to him?

Hisea · 14/03/2022 23:38

You've said your DC has a sensitive tummy.. I don't want to go on as I know you've had a few people pick up on it by my DS had colic/reflux etc and getting rid of the prep machine improved things massively. If you can move to making the bottles the traditional way you would then know they are made with safe water from the kitchen which has also been boiled.

As for the other stuff my partner is very laid back but listens to me about safe sleep etc. He will sometimes say it's fine to leave his jacket on in the car seat etc but I'll remind him (sternly ) that it is not.

Original poster

Poppoppogo · 15/03/2022 08:50

@Hisea

Our bottle machine does boil the water, and we weigh out the powder. I believe the baby brezza was the one that’s inaccurate at weighing the powder and doesn’t boil the water. We don’t have that one! We’ve only been using it for 2 weeks, so I’m confident that that’s not it. Thanks for the advice though, we’ll keep an eye on it!

OP posts:

solbunny · 15/03/2022 09:04

@SarahAndQuack

I think some of what you describe sounds excusable, and some of it doesn't. But, for me, it is a red flag that he seems to think it's up for debate.

In my book, when you have a newborn - especially when, as is usually the case, one of you has just given birth - then you need to adjust your expectations to look after the person who is the most nervous about things. He is not just the baby's dad; he's your partner. You have very recently given birth. The least he can do is to accept that, even if it doesn't matter to him, these things do matter to you and they do worry you.

I am not saying he should be overruled by you on everything; I can see that if he did check where the upstairs water came from, and found it was fine, perhaps that's one thing you should let go. But generally, if there's a legitimate difference of opinion and one parent is more frightened than the other, and that parent has recently given birth ... well, it's a no-brainer, isn't it?

Completely agree with this.

Me and my husband both worry about things but we tend to worry about different things, and we think the things the other worries about are daft but it's just common sense to accommodate your partner's worries unless it's very unreasonable/problematic, surely?!

The only worry OP has that I would consider to even being close to something that's not worth worrying about is the leveller issue - and it doesn't matter if her husband thinks it's silly, it won't hurt him to accommodate her wish would it?! It's probably actually less effort or at least the same amount of effort as shaking the scoop level. He's just being difficult.

All her other worries are completely, undeniably valid imo

MotherofAutism · 15/03/2022 09:07

@Chamomileteaplease

OMG! Might he be trying to emotionally/mentally abuse you by mistreating your baby? To me that would be torture.

I hope someone here knows what you should do because personally I would not let him anywhere near my baby .

Don't be so utterly hysterical!

BobLep0nge · 15/03/2022 09:11

Water from a tank in the loft is not a 'non issue' for babies/children, but especially not for a tiny baby!!

Is it even safe for adults? We found two dead mice in our one

Tiredan · 15/03/2022 10:39

Is there any chance he might resent the attention you are now giving the baby that previously might have fallen to him?

I say this as my ex, like iwanttomarryamillionaire's exP did similar. He later confessed that he knew once the kids were born that he would never be the centre of attention again. Any risk to the kids was and remains a guaranteed superhighway to my attention and it didn't matter to him whether the attention was good or bad. I left him to protect the DC and he only gets closely supervised access these days.

I am probably projecting a bit here as I'm still processing my situation but if there is a chance this is the case here it's a pretty dangerous situation to be in. I hope it's not what's happening in your family.

StrawberrySanta · 15/03/2022 10:55

Okay, the powder leveller I couldn't get worked up about. But not tightening the straps on the car seat 😱 and unsafe sleeping, just no, I would not accept that at all. You need to have a serious talk with him, tell him it is unacceptable to put baby's life at risk which is what he is doing

FantasticFebruary · 15/03/2022 11:31

[quote BobLep0nge] Water from a tank in the loft is not a 'non issue' for babies/children, but especially not for a tiny baby!!

Is it even safe for adults? We found two dead mice in our one

FantasticFebruary · 15/03/2022 11:33

@StrawberrySanta

The thing with that is it can cause dehydrations and other things and when you have a tiny baby, with an already sensitive stomach, you just don't (if you've any compassion) cut corners!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread