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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand why do would take the risk with the baby?

96 replies

Poppoppogo · 14/03/2022 20:51

I feel like DP is taking really silly risks with our baby. They’re less than 2 months old.

I just found DP filling up the bottle machine with water from the upstairs tap. We’ve discussed loads of times that we think it might come from the tank in the attic, it tastes very odd. I don’t drink it, but DP isn’t really bothered and fills up his bedside glass from there. I was quite upset, and asked dp not to do it. He looked at me like I was overreacting and said he was fine and he drinks it and the machine has a filter. I said why take the risk for the sake of just going downstairs, and he’s now gone to bed annoyed at me.

This isn’t the only thing. I watched him doing the powder for the bottle the other day by just sort of shaking it a bit level rather than using the leveller. DC has a sensitive tummy and it annoys me that he couldn’t just do it properly.

We made a 2 minute car journey a few days ago. When I got there I found that he’d done the car seat straps up, but not tightened them at all. His argument that it was only 2 minutes.

He regularly puts DC in odd sleeping positions and places. I went upstairs the other day and DC was on our bed, with a blanket practically over their face, right at the top of the bed where there’s a baby-head-sized gap. No baby monitor on.

I am a bit of a worrier, but he normally does things really fastidiously and I really don’t get why he would suddenly be taking those risks with our tiny baby.

Am I being naggy and overreacting or is he being careless?

OP posts:

SparkleSpangle · 14/03/2022 21:15

If he is anything like my DP was, he is being deliberately useless so you take over more and more of the jobs until you are doing it all and think it was your idea.

I'm sure there is a name for it...

TyrannosaurusRegina · 14/03/2022 21:15

He sounds like a lazy bastard. My ex used to do crap like this, everything was half assed, if it meant shaving one second off a job, then he'd take the easy way. Sounds like your other half, easier and less effort to fill from the upstairs tap than spend 10 seconds moving his arse to the kitchen etc.

HotDogKetchup · 14/03/2022 21:16

The water from our upstairs taps comes from the tank. I didn’t realise and it gave me violent diarrhoea.

I’d be annoyed too OP. My DH is pretty slapdash and it’s really frustrating.

TracyMosby · 14/03/2022 21:16

Well, he has been a knobhead since you were pregnant, so i dont see him changing.

Original poster

Poppoppogo · 14/03/2022 21:17

That does sound like it could be it! He’s not normally one to shy away from responsibility though.

OP posts:

HiJenny35 · 14/03/2022 21:18

The water is a massive issue just the dirt and sitting water alone without even considering bugs and legionnaires
waterhygieneexperts.co.uk/index.php/cold-water-storage-tanks/
Othside of this, no it's not ok, is he usually so selfish. Maybe he kneeds to watch some baby safety videos. I can't even believe people are saying the car seat straps not being tightened isn't an issue, they've got to be winding you up, absolutely no point in using the car seat if you aren't going to tighten the straps as the movement in a collusion crushes the chest.

ComDummings · 14/03/2022 21:18

I don’t know how to sort this, he’s a lazy bastard. Sorry you have to deal with this OP

AliceW89 · 14/03/2022 21:21

When I read your first two issues (the tap water and his method of levelling off the formula) I initially thought you should back off and let him parent how he sees fit.

But the car seat straps and the unsupervised sleeping on a bed is a completely different level and you should definitely pull him up on those. They are really dangerous.

AliceW89 · 14/03/2022 21:24

@AliceW89

When I read your first two issues (the tap water and his method of levelling off the formula) I initially thought you should back off and let him parent how he sees fit.

But the car seat straps and the unsupervised sleeping on a bed is a completely different level and you should definitely pull him up on those. They are really dangerous.

To add, we are in a new build and all the water comes from one pipe. I guess if you have your suspicions about the bathroom water or if you live in an older house, then you should pull him up on that as well, but most modern houses and flats don’t have a separate tank.

newname2022 · 14/03/2022 21:24

YANBU
So frustrating. It's not the time to be cutting corners. I could forgive the water for the formula but not the car seat.
I don't have any advice. My DH was like this in the early days and it took several screaming matches and me making some serious threats to leave him for him to finally cop on.

Nightwithhertrainofstars · 14/03/2022 21:25

Agree with PP that the unsafe sleep situation and car seat are the things to focus on but I do think there needs to be a red line that you draw that that water is not to be given to her. I think often there's a combination things: the mother becoming acutely aware of possible dangers to the child largely because of hormonal and neurological changes. And also quite often being the parent who reads up more on pregnancy, birth and baby care and so has more awareness of risks and things like safe sleep practices. My DH is a highly intelligent man but I had to really insist that he do/not do several things that I knew were really important to ensure my DD was safe. And I think it was a combination of the above, essentially ignorance of risks to babies wellbeing and lack of mother's instinct! But that's what you're there for so it's about getting him on side. He might respond to some official guidance on safe sleep and travel if he's reluctant to just take your word for it!

Original poster

Poppoppogo · 14/03/2022 21:29

That’s not a bad idea actually, thanks. He thinks I’m being a nag, perhaps if I present him with some facts he’ll take notice.

OP posts:

BreatheAndFocus · 14/03/2022 21:31

He sounds lazy and uncaring, and almost like he resents the baby and doesn’t see them as a real person, just a chore to be done as quickly as possible because they’re impinging in his time.

Is he usually arrogant? Some men can’t deal with the fact babies need work and that they aren’t very good at doing that work, and so they downplay what needs to be done as some kind of sop to their insecurity. It’s defensive - and potentially dangerous.

I wouldn’t leave baby with him and I’d be insisting he went to parenting classes and did things properly else he could f**k off frankly. How dare he treat your baby like this?

PeacefulPrune · 14/03/2022 21:36

The sleeping one is a massive concern for me. Have you tried talking to him about it away from the event?

Gizacluethen · 14/03/2022 21:36

The milk stuff really doesn't matter to me. The water does though a filter in your prep machine. Prep machines themselves aren't rated by most people as being particularly safe.

But the car seat and unsafe sleep positions aren't acceptable.

StripeyDeckchair · 14/03/2022 21:38

You know what this says to me? Someone deliberately doing things wrong so that he doesn't get asked to do them again.

Unless he is a total idiot your partner must realise his behaviour is putting your child at risk.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/03/2022 21:41

@SparkleSpangle

If he is anything like my DP was, he is being deliberately useless so you take over more and more of the jobs until you are doing it all and think it was your idea.

I'm sure there is a name for it...

There's two! It's known as 'Strategic Incompetence' or 'Weaponised Incompetence' - "when one partner feigns or exaggerates their inability to perform a task in a bid to shift the burden of responsibility onto the other person."

And given that "he normally does things really fastidiously" it sounds to me like he's being fastidious with his strategic/weaponised incompetence.

ButtockUp · 14/03/2022 21:43

I'd be furious OP.

Our bathroom cold tap water comes from the tank like many homes.

It tastes and smells unpleasant unlike the kitchen cold tap water ( that in our case, just tastes and smells a bit chemically,) which comes from the mains.

You need to use mains tap water for babies milk.

IdentifyingAsAPrincess · 14/03/2022 21:43

God that's awful. I don't know how I would deal with that because there are too many unsafe things, for the formula I would prepare a whole days worth myself and re heat, I definitely wouldn't allow him to make it up.
If you want pre made you need to flash cool, boil a full kettle the evening before, decant it into a sterilised jug and when its cool enough put in the fridge over night, so in the morning you have chilled sterilised water. So say if your baby eats 24oz in a day sterilise 24 scoops with 5oz of 70c water stir for a couple of minutes to kill all bacteria and then top up with 19oz of the cold sterilised water and it should be cool enough to go straight into the back of the fridge. It's not the reheating that's dangerous it's the germ breeding temperatures it can sit at while it cools down so you eliminate that by cooling it instantly, even the NHS website says you can safely store made up formula in the back of a fridge for up to 24 hours.
I would honestly tell him that you do not trust him because his feelings are actually the least important thing here, allow him to give a pre made feed in a bottle you have sterilized and change nappies if he can do that. I would not relax letting him put baby to sleep or transport him.

bellac11 · 14/03/2022 21:49

If you work in early years are you able to get hold of material or online courses that you can both go through together as he didnt do the classes with you.
Or get the health visitor round and ask about those issues with him there, ask her to spell out the consequences, the car seat and sleeping position in particular

ShouldBeWorking23 · 14/03/2022 21:51

I would take the water one just as seriously as the car seat … our upstairs tank was filthy until I got a new cover and I know someone who found a dead mouse in hers! I wonder is he being deliberately crap so you’ll just do it yourself and he can sit back? ‘Oh my way wasn’t good enough’ etc

Kanfuzed123 · 14/03/2022 21:58

All of it is really bad, formula does need to be measured as too much or too little powder affect the nutritional properties and can make your baby ill. I noticed you used a prep machine, these are not the safest anyway, that combined with the water and imprecise power amount is a recipe for a dodgy tummy at best.

I think you need to have a word with your HV and ask if there are any parenting classes you and he can do (not for you but Him)

Car seat, I’m ashamed to admit with my first I didn’t know Jack about how to position a child in a car seat and I look back on pictures and cringe. This man needs to wake up.

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2022 22:06

I think some of what you describe sounds excusable, and some of it doesn't. But, for me, it is a red flag that he seems to think it's up for debate.

In my book, when you have a newborn - especially when, as is usually the case, one of you has just given birth - then you need to adjust your expectations to look after the person who is the most nervous about things. He is not just the baby's dad; he's your partner. You have very recently given birth. The least he can do is to accept that, even if it doesn't matter to him, these things do matter to you and they do worry you.

I am not saying he should be overruled by you on everything; I can see that if he did check where the upstairs water came from, and found it was fine, perhaps that's one thing you should let go. But generally, if there's a legitimate difference of opinion and one parent is more frightened than the other, and that parent has recently given birth ... well, it's a no-brainer, isn't it?

GalactatingGoddess · 14/03/2022 22:06

Sorry OP but you are not overreacting. He is being unsafe with your tiny baby.

Did he read into any baby care before having a child at all? Baby head gaps? Blanket nearly over babies face? Potentially unclean water? Not doing car seat straps up? Why is he is treating your little one this way.

He needs to be aware of risks like SIDS, stomach bacterias, car crash risks etc. he sounds shocking.

I would be really anxious to leave baby alone with him, and personally for me, if I don't feel I can leave my baby with my partner then I don't want them as my partner!

Bex268 · 14/03/2022 22:07

I have to say that I think I’d leave him. I can’t be doing with this s*. My husband once left baby on changing table for a minute alone when sorting stuff. I told him right turn that he could leave if he ever found it acceptable to take a chance with our baby again. I didn’t go through all I did to have a baby for some idiot to take chances. I’m fuming just reading about the car seat. Total deal breaker. He could have killed your baby.

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