Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset

77 replies

mummysboy65 · 14/03/2022 19:51

Ok so dd lives a few hours away she's generally come back for birthdays, Xmas etc or we have come to her. She has a bf of 10 months who lives near us so she is back regularly to see him and us. It was dh bday recently but she didn't come visit as she had been back the week before for ds birthday and couldn't use holidays to stay the week and couldn't afford train fare. We were fine with this until she rang to say she was come home two days after dh bday as it was her bf dsis birthday. She had also said she wouldn't come for Mother's Day as she's back for her grans birthday (big one) the week after. Again fair enough. But now she's said she's going to seaside nearby with bf and his parents mother day weekend so another train back. Am I right to feel a bit put out?

OP posts:
AddictedToOlives · 14/03/2022 22:53

Sounds like she visits often, and maybe you are being a tad oversensitive?
Understandable… But I don’t think she is doing anything wrong

CheshireSplat · 14/03/2022 23:00

Coming at it from your DD's point of view, it's tricky when you live a long way from lots of other people who are close. I was 2 1/2 hours from parents and friends. Sometimes I wouldn't tell my parents I was visiting that city to see friends as my parents were not the reason for the trip . I justified it to myself that if my friends had been 2 1/2 hours in the other direction I wouldn't have seen my parents either. Not sure how much sense that makes....

Original poster
mummysboy65 · 15/03/2022 07:05

Lots of negative replies. To answer some questions no we don't visit as much because the weekends she's not here her boyfriend is there. And she wants time alone with him. So instead we give her some train money.

I've always been fine with her moving away. I have no issue with her coming back and just seeing her boyfriend as we see her lots.

The reason I'm a bit put out is because the weekend of her dads birthday she did come home but didn't see her dad because she was at her boyfriends celebrating his sisters birthday.

She is coming home Mother's Day weekend but she is spending it with her boyfriend and his parents and they are going to the the seaside (we are costal)

So it's not about how often she returns it's the fact that she was her on her dads birthday and will be here Mother's Day but is choosing not to see us.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummysboy65 · 15/03/2022 07:08

@MurmuratingStarling

How old is she *@mummysboy65* ?
She's 20.
OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 15/03/2022 07:44

@mummysboy65

Lots of negative replies. To answer some questions no we don't visit as much because the weekends she's not here her boyfriend is there. And she wants time alone with him. So instead we give her some train money.

I've always been fine with her moving away. I have no issue with her coming back and just seeing her boyfriend as we see her lots.

The reason I'm a bit put out is because the weekend of her dads birthday she did come home but didn't see her dad because she was at her boyfriends celebrating his sisters birthday.

She is coming home Mother's Day weekend but she is spending it with her boyfriend and his parents and they are going to the the seaside (we are costal)

So it's not about how often she returns it's the fact that she was her on her dads birthday and will be here Mother's Day but is choosing not to see us.

That does seem harsh, could you not meet for breakfast before they go out? Or if you're nearby meet for lunch, all together?
Momicrone · 15/03/2022 08:25

I'm with you op, she should sound mothers day with you bot boyfriend mum

AuntieMarys · 15/03/2022 08:34

I missed the memo that adult dcs have to return to family to celebrate birthdays/ Mothers Day. You sound very bitter.

OatmilkandCookies · 15/03/2022 08:38

Just to offer another side/viewpoint, I used to travel to see my family for every single occasion, and when I met my boyfriend who is now my DH, I moved to an area about 30/40 mins away from them, and they maybe would have visited me a handful of times in the space of five years. So the expectation was on me but they didn't make much effort for me, so I stopped taking on all the pressure of having to always go and haven't spent as much time with them. For e.g. it was my 30th birthday late last year and neither of my parents came to see me on the day.
It really is only fair that travel is equally shared.

Original poster
mummysboy65 · 15/03/2022 08:59

@OatmilkandCookies

Just to offer another side/viewpoint, I used to travel to see my family for every single occasion, and when I met my boyfriend who is now my DH, I moved to an area about 30/40 mins away from them, and they maybe would have visited me a handful of times in the space of five years. So the expectation was on me but they didn't make much effort for me, so I stopped taking on all the pressure of having to always go and haven't spent as much time with them. For e.g. it was my 30th birthday late last year and neither of my parents came to see me on the day. It really is only fair that travel is equally shared.
We have always gone a lot lately she is coming home more to see boyfriend (her choice) so we have paid train fare a couple of times
OP posts:
Original poster
mummysboy65 · 15/03/2022 08:59

@AuntieMarys

I missed the memo that adult dcs have to return to family to celebrate birthdays/ Mothers Day. You sound very bitter.
She is coming back
OP posts:
HomeHomeInTheRange · 15/03/2022 09:35

It looks as if she is juggling occasions. She came to you for her brothers birthday and will for her gran’s birthday, and is doing some weekends with her bf family.

Do you welcome him to your family events?

It is a lot to expect young adults who have their own life to build in the town where they live, plus a new relationship, to continue with every single family occasion.

I didn’t go home for Mother’s Day once I was a young adult snd my Mum was still fit and able, and seeing her own Mum on Mother’s Day.

You honestly do sound quite resentful and demanding and there is no quicker way to drive your Dd away. Don’t take it so personally. Have a lovely day with your Ds.

gamerchick · 15/03/2022 09:40

You need to get a grip. Do you really give a toss about mothers day? It's not a big deal.

You've done a good job, shes spreading her wings and being independent. Shes trying to juggle you. Let her be

MurmuratingStarling · 15/03/2022 09:58

Not unusual behaviour for a 20 y.o. @mummysboy65 She will grow out of it.

NerrSnerr · 15/03/2022 10:13

My mother in law was like this when my husband and I first got together. It was like a competition and she'd get annoyed if he wanted to spend time with me and not her. The first year he spent the Christmas with me (after we'd been together about 9 or 10 years) we got such a guilt trip even though she spent it with family and we saw them on the 27th December.

It means that now, 20 odd years later we do visit when we can on special occasions but it's not because we want to, it's because we begrudgingly feel we should as a sense of duty. They live 90 minutes away and my family are much further so we see them a lot more often and she still makes comments about 'oh you're seeing YOUR mum this Easter Day are you??' When we only see my family 3 times a year.

Don't be like that- let her want to come home because she wants to, not to stop you acting disappointed in her.

Turningpurple · 15/03/2022 10:21

@mummysboy65

Lots of negative replies. To answer some questions no we don't visit as much because the weekends she's not here her boyfriend is there. And she wants time alone with him. So instead we give her some train money.

I've always been fine with her moving away. I have no issue with her coming back and just seeing her boyfriend as we see her lots.

The reason I'm a bit put out is because the weekend of her dads birthday she did come home but didn't see her dad because she was at her boyfriends celebrating his sisters birthday.

She is coming home Mother's Day weekend but she is spending it with her boyfriend and his parents and they are going to the the seaside (we are costal)

So it's not about how often she returns it's the fact that she was her on her dads birthday and will be here Mother's Day but is choosing not to see us.

But that's be arsed she is visiting for other things around the same time.

Not visiting mithers day because she has another visit for an event, that she must attend.

Didn't you say she visited just before her dad's birthday? She can not be there for every event.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 15/03/2022 10:58

Lots of negative replies

Not really OP, just replies giving a wider perspective, and positive about your DD’s growing independence. Posters who do not agree with you can still be on your side, wanting you not to feel hurt by taking it personally, and not to put any pressure on your Dd in case you push her away.

Are you feeling generally sensitive and fragile in your life?

Quitelikeit · 15/03/2022 11:03

I can see why you are put out but she’s 20 yo and living her best life. Cut her some slack and realise that you have raised a lovely independent young woman.

aSofaNearYou · 15/03/2022 11:17

Tbh I do acrually think she is being a bit shitty. It's ok to split her time, but if she cared she could have said she'd pop over to see her dad when she was down, or you around Mother's Day, since she was in the area. I think it is quite telling that she hasn't bothered. A 20 year old with common sense and empathy should twig that their mum might be disappointed they were spending MD with someone else's mum instead of bothering with them, and would at least attempt to make a fuss of you in a different way.

RealRaymondReddington · 15/03/2022 11:24

I think as you grow up you don't necessarily have to see your mum/dad on these days. I will be seeing my mum on the Monday as my dh is taking me and dd(3) out for mothers day on Sunday. We will see his mum on the Saturday. It's not always possible to do everything with everyone. Remember that not seeing you does not mean she loves and cares for you any less, it's just that she's growing up. That said, I'm sure I will also find the transition tough as my own dd grows up, I think that's probably also normal.

Crikeyalmighty · 15/03/2022 11:35

I may not be like all mumsnetters but find this obsession as an adult with having to see other adult relatives on birthdays and anniversaries etc really annoying. Once your kids fly the nest they need to create a life and seeing them reasonably regularly plus communicating on text/WhatsApp - whatever is great too but it’s not reasonable to expect them to be popping over for every relatives birthday/mother’s day when they have partners and live a good distance away— I appreciate some families are very different— when I was younger and lived in a mining town lots of women were round their mothers nearly every day and vice versa.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/03/2022 11:40

I think she sounds great. She is trying to see you and her bfs family on a regular basis. I hope your ds finds a gf who is equally happy to spend time with your family as well as her own.

JustFrustrated · 15/03/2022 13:00

Do you invite her boyfriend to these events?

I8toys · 15/03/2022 13:22

YABU. She sounds a lovely girl trying to juggle her time. Her priority now is her relationship. She's had better offers and wants to do them - fair enough. Spend mothers day with your son. You don't have to do everything together all the time. Let her be a grown up and enjoy making a life for herself.

Persephonegoddess · 15/03/2022 13:22

If she doesn't drive then she can't just pop over even if in same town...... does she drive?

Pumpfive · 15/03/2022 13:29

I live 2 hours from my parents and I don't always see them for their birthdays / other occasions. You sound jealous of your daughter having a relationship..she's 20, you have to let them grow up some time.