To be upset

[mummysboy65]

Ok so dd lives a few hours away she's generally come back for birthdays, Xmas etc or we have come to her. She has a bf of 10 months who lives near us so she is back regularly to see him and us. It was dh bday recently but she didn't come visit as she had been back the week before for ds birthday and couldn't use holidays to stay the week and couldn't afford train fare. We were fine with this until she rang to say she was come home two days after dh bday as it was her bf dsis birthday. She had also said she wouldn't come for Mother's Day as she's back for her grans birthday (big one) the week after. Again fair enough. But now she's said she's going to seaside nearby with bf and his parents mother day weekend so another train back. Am I right to feel a bit put out?

When your children find partners you have to share them. They won't always be able to spend significant days with you.If they decide to have children you will have to share your daughter and your grandchildren with a whole other family . Time to start practicing. You may also need to do more travelling to your daughter. Sounds like you also need to do more things in your own life, your children seem to be visiting an awful lot more than might normally be expected.

YABU. Have you offered any train money for all these trips you want her to make to you?

FGS, don't be like my mother with the guilt trips, never being satisfied with anything. Your daughter is an adult now, with a whole life of her own, and I know what that's like. My children are now 22 and 24, you've got to let her live. You really need to get over yourself.

Sounds like she’s visiting you a lot. So she’s allowed to do other things too op.

YABVU , she’s being very reasonable with her time considering she now has a boyfriend as well .

We do sometimes visit her but we'll have a ds who is coming back for mother day.

So you don’t need your daughter there as well, then, do you? You’re not going to be on your own on Mother’s Day.

She is an adult who lives hours away and she has a partner. They are not going to want to do every special occasion separately for the rest of their lives, which means sometimes they’ll spend them with you and sometimes they’ll spend them with her partner’s family. That’s normal.

She seems to visit a lot- how old is she?

Before she met bf she would come back every couple month and we would visit roughly same so saw her about once a month. We live in same town as bf and his family so now she's back every couple of week she usually sees us and him sometimes it's just him which is fine. I think the reason I'm put out is she wasn't coming home for dh bday but then she came back anyway for her bf sis birthday. Mother's Day she wasn't coming back but now she's coming back but spending it with bfs parents.

Sounds like you’ve stopped visiting her?

Maybe her bfs family are inviting her for these occasions and she doesn't want to seem rude by saying no? So she's trying to balance out what she can when she can.

@mummysboy65

Before she met bf she would come back every couple month and we would visit roughly same so saw her about once a month. We live in same town as bf and his family so now she's back every couple of week she usually sees us and him sometimes it's just him which is fine. I think the reason I'm put out is she wasn't coming home for dh bday but then she came back anyway for her bf sis birthday. Mother's Day she wasn't coming back but now she's coming back but spending it with bfs parents.

She’s an adult with a partner. Of course she’s going to do things with his family. It sounds like she’s been seeing way more of you than most adult children living a few hours away would.

You’re being really clingy and demanding and she probably needs a break from being guilt-tripped by you, frankly.

But she’s not coming back to spend Mother’s Day with his mum or for the sisters birthday. She’s coming to spend time with her boyfriend and do things with his family.

@mummysboy65 it can feel weird at first when kids grow up and have a partner because their priorities do shift.
But it's completely normal. Doesn't mean she thinks any less of you.
She's in love, wants her relationship to be successful, wants his family to like her etc
Of course it smarts that she's not going to be with you for some of the significant family dates. But maybe that's the only date BF's parents are available or something. She's new at this and trying to divide her time fairly.
She's still visiting regularly and she still cares. Try not to be upset.
I'm sure she'll phone or send a card for dad's birthday/Mothers' Day, it doesn't mean she's forgotten.
I'd advise trying to change your mindset and accept that she's in a new stage of life because this is how it's going to be.
Otherwise you'll be upset every time she "chooses" BF over coming to you. When really she's just trying to do things fairly.
BF wants to see his family too and they want to do this together.
Maybe for the next family occasion, ask her and BF explicitly to come rather than simply expect her to appear.
She'll then prioritise that weekend, and you'll avoid being disappointed.
Try to be pleased that she's happy and independent.
As mothers we have to make so many shifts in life as our kids grow up. And hanging onto "but this is how we've always done it" is unrealistic.

Come on, OP.

She’s an adult spreading her wings.

Do you really want to be one of those Mums, who humphs around, resentful that you’re not always being chosen?

You are only going to push her away if you do.

She sounds like a lovely daughter - focus on that.

And it’s really bad form to ask if you’re being unreasonable, but then refuse to do any introspection and consider that actually, you might be.

Just carry on carrying on, if you think you’re in the right.

You’re going to push her away with this attitude, you sound very needy.

I think the reason I'm put out is she wasn't coming home for dh bday but then she came back anyway for her bf sis birthday. Mother's Day she wasn't coming back but now she's coming back but spending it with bfs parents.

I do think she could pop in for an hour to see you on Mother’s Day or your DH on his birthday especially if she’s close by anyway.

I think this is probably her first serious relationship and she’s still trying to work out how to juggle it all. She may feel rude saying she’ll spend the weekend with her bf and then leaving to come to yours.

Give it time.
She will soon work out she is able to do both without upsetting anyone.

Yabu let her establish her own life

Why do you expect her to be present for everyone 's birthday/Mother's day? She is an adult who has left home and has her own life. Surely a present/card and phone call will suffice. She can go where she likes, when she likes and with whom she likes. She no longer needs to answer to you and your expectations are unreasonable.

Why don't you and your son go and visit her for mother's day?

The fact that her boyfriend lives in your town is actually immaterial. She could be visiting a boyfriend anywhere in the country and therefore wouldn't want to also travel to see you as much.

YABU - she's clearly doing her best to fit you all in a d is probably spreading herself a bit thin in the process. Give her a break.

Very honestly I can understand being a bit miffed but she probably feels like there’s lots of weekends (maybe too many) where she needs to come home and she has to say no to a few of them otherwise she’d be back all the time. She probably also wants to prioritise her boyfriend a bit (which is fair enough). Also sounds like she’s back soon for another celebration.

It sounds like she visits a lot which is great, but don’t push her away by being upset.

Also very kindly a lot of young adults find Mother’s Day and Father’s Day a bit irritating. It’s another day off being forced to gift a present (when there’s already birthdays and Christmas) and spend money there don’t have or have to travel far to see your parents. For her it’s likely another celebration she has to travel back for.

I think she sounds lovely and is really making an effort to be fair. She's visiting you and other family members frequently and also spending time with her boyfriend's family. I know plenty of young men and women who see their parents about once a year. I definitely think you should keep your feelings to yourself.

@mummysboy65

Before she met bf she would come back every couple month and we would visit roughly same so saw her about once a month. We live in same town as bf and his family so now she's back every couple of week she usually sees us and him sometimes it's just him which is fine. I think the reason I'm put out is she wasn't coming home for dh bday but then she came back anyway for her bf sis birthday. Mother's Day she wasn't coming back but now she's coming back but spending it with bfs parents.

Why does this upset you? Do you really think she's dying to celebrate her boyfriend's sister's birthday? It's obviously the case that he wanted to go and invited her. It's what couples do!

How old is she @mummysboy65 ?