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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

21 years old boy - what would you have done?

60 replies

Possiblynotever · 14/03/2022 07:06

My parents live in another country. They have been asked to give shelter to a 21 years old boy. He had just finished his compulsory military service in Ukraine and took a holiday to see his nan. War started and he wanted to go back to fight. His grandmother hid his passport and talked him out of it.
My parents are happy to give him a room, he seems a great boy. But my DF has pointed out that, the way things are going, he will probably feel guilty for all the rest of his life and that not fighting for his country will probably result in him never to return back. He also argues that it will affect his mental health taking into account that all his mates are fighting.
I somehow agree and I think that his grandmother should keep his passport, as in this way the choice is out of his hands and he can blame it on someone else in the future.
I would not care to be blamed for something like this.
My DF argues (and I see the logic) that he is a man and that he should be free to choose his life.
AIBU?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 07:08

His grandmother doesn't want her grandson to die. It's completely reasonable. If he wanted a new passport he could get one.

Why can't he stay with his grandmother though?

Josephsrose · 14/03/2022 07:09

It's not reasonable, he is an adult not a child. An adult by a long shot!
Give it back!

GeneLovesJezebel · 14/03/2022 07:10

It’s not really anyone else’s business.
And why can’t he stay with grandma ?

Goldbar · 14/03/2022 07:14

He's an adult.

Of course his family are terrified at the prospect of him being killed but it is deeply unfair and unreasonable not to let him make his own choices.

I'm curious as to why your parents are being asked to house him?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/03/2022 07:16

Why do you keep calling him a boy? He’s an adult!

Give him his passport back and let him make his own decisions.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 14/03/2022 07:19

He's a man, not a boy.

I completely understand grandma's motivation, but what she has done is wrong, and it may well effect him, and their relationship, in future.

On the other hand, he could easily get a replacement passport. The ways things are he could probably get back very quickly if he went to the embassy.

VelvetChairGirl · 14/03/2022 07:21

he doesnt need a passport to travel thru the EU so if he is there, he is using the loss of it as an excuse to blame when he is really just all talk.

if he is outside the EU how did he think he would get to Ukraine? how much money does he have, he cant just get on a easyjet to the frontline.

WeCouldBeSpearows · 14/03/2022 07:21

If anyone tried to dictate to me, aged 21, what I should and should not do, they would have found that I would find a way regardless.

He's an adult. While I understand the grandmother not wanting him to go there, it's not her decision to make.

AlternativePerspective · 14/03/2022 07:23

Why are your parents even involved here?

Whatever has gone on is between him and his grandmother. He’s an adult and could get a new passport if he wanted to.

TBH I wouldn’t get involved because I imagine there is more to this that your parents aren’t being told.

RishiRich · 14/03/2022 07:23

I would be furious if I was him and getting a new passport ASAP. His grandma's feelings are completely understandable but he is a man, not a boy.

KrisAkabusi · 14/03/2022 07:34

He's not a boy, he's a man. I'm sure his grandmother wants him to be safe, it's not her choice, it's his.

Londondreams1 · 14/03/2022 07:36

Survivor’s remorse/guilt or something I think your DF is referring to. A mental condition among soldiers.

Monty27 · 14/03/2022 07:37

I don't think it would be problematic for him to get back to defend his country if that's his mindset.
Which country is he currently in?

Monty27 · 14/03/2022 07:38

I can understand his emotions. 😟

ProudDada · 14/03/2022 07:38

@VelvetChairGirl

he doesnt need a passport to travel thru the EU so if he is there, he is using the loss of it as an excuse to blame when he is really just all talk.

if he is outside the EU how did he think he would get to Ukraine? how much money does he have, he cant just get on a easyjet to the frontline.

EasyJet to Warsaw, then they have buses to the border and into Ukraine.
dworky · 14/03/2022 07:41

Your husband is insane.

girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 07:43

@dworky

Your husband is insane.
Weird - she didn't mention her husband.
Wonnle · 14/03/2022 07:48

Are your parents any relation to this 21 year old ADULT ?

VelvetChairGirl · 14/03/2022 07:49

EasyJet to Warsaw, then they have buses to the border and into Ukraine.

thats from here, i.e Europe, OP said he's in another country presumably not an E.U one as he woudnt need a passport to get that far.

HotPenguin · 14/03/2022 07:51

It's pretty easy to get back into your own country without a passport so I suspect it's an excuse.

DespairingHomeowner · 14/03/2022 07:51

His grandmother & parent’s feelings are understandable. If this young man wants to find a way to fight he will, so let the parents make it a bit trickier!!

Re what people will think: yes, I agree people will take a dim view. I dated a man from ex Yugoslavia who had come to UK to avoid military service at the time. Others spoke about it/took a poor view (again was parents not wanting to lose their son)

As he was on holiday, it’s a bit luck/fate that he is in this situation

Baaaa · 14/03/2022 07:51

I don't think your parents should get involved in the actual decision. Their only decision should be if they'll provide a room or not. It's not up to them to make any judgement on this man.

TheHoptimist · 14/03/2022 07:52

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Monty27 · 14/03/2022 07:54

What country are you guys in currently?

Monty27 · 14/03/2022 07:55

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