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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

21 years old boy - what would you have done?

60 replies

Possiblynotever · 14/03/2022 07:06

My parents live in another country. They have been asked to give shelter to a 21 years old boy. He had just finished his compulsory military service in Ukraine and took a holiday to see his nan. War started and he wanted to go back to fight. His grandmother hid his passport and talked him out of it.
My parents are happy to give him a room, he seems a great boy. But my DF has pointed out that, the way things are going, he will probably feel guilty for all the rest of his life and that not fighting for his country will probably result in him never to return back. He also argues that it will affect his mental health taking into account that all his mates are fighting.
I somehow agree and I think that his grandmother should keep his passport, as in this way the choice is out of his hands and he can blame it on someone else in the future.
I would not care to be blamed for something like this.
My DF argues (and I see the logic) that he is a man and that he should be free to choose his life.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Monty27 · 14/03/2022 07:57

Also OP you've asked what we would have done. What have you done?

ApolloandDaphne · 14/03/2022 08:00

Your DF is correct. He is a man who is free to do as he wishes with his life, even if that is giving it in the defence of his country.

SallyWD · 14/03/2022 08:02

It is wrong to take his passport but you say his grandmother talked him out of it anyway? So he's decided not to fight regardless? Personally I think the mental trauma and possible injury and death are a far worse fate than regretting not fighting.

loislovesstewie · 14/03/2022 08:03

He's 21, he's an adult. My dad went off to the Second world War when he wasn't much older. I suspect that most mothers/grandmothers don't want their loved ones going off to war, but sadly that is what happens.
Would I want my son to go? Of course not, I love him to bits and want him to live a long and happy life. But I don't think it's fair that others would fight and die for us.

JellybeansJelly · 14/03/2022 08:29

@ProudDada And how can he get the easyJet to Warsaw if he doesn’t have his passport…?

loislovesstewie · 14/03/2022 08:34

Travelling in the EU as an EU national does not require a passport. It depends on where the young man is on whether he needs a passport to get into the EU and then on to Ukraine.

girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 08:37

@loislovesstewie

Travelling in the EU as an EU national does not require a passport. It depends on where the young man is on whether he needs a passport to get into the EU and then on to Ukraine.
Is this true? Because when we were in the EU we needed passports...
RoyKentsChestHair · 14/03/2022 08:43

Sounds more like one of those situations when he’s actually much older than 21 and is saying he has no passport so he has no ID to me. I don’t blame anyone who wants to escape from war and I’d do everything in my power to stop my DS from going into a war zone. I don’t care what their friends and peers are doing, fighting for your country isn’t some patriotic duty, you can get your bollocks Boris et al wouldn’t be sending their sons to the frontline. If anything they’ll have cosy office jobs with quick access to a bunker.

RoyKentsChestHair · 14/03/2022 08:43

*bet your bollocks

OfstedOffred · 14/03/2022 08:43

He's an adult. You do not fucking confiscate another adult's passport.

herecomesthehotsteppa · 14/03/2022 08:47

@girlmom21 yes it's true. French nationals can use their carte d'identité for example. We don't have an equivalent so it was always passports for us.
Now we are out of Europe, French must use a passport to come to the UK

Lollyfalalalalalalalalaaahhhhh · 14/03/2022 08:49

I would do the same for my child/grandchild. Its senseless death to send him there

girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 08:50

@OfstedOffred

He's an adult. You do not fucking confiscate another adult's passport.
You do if you don't want them to be killed by Russians when it's avoidable
loislovesstewie · 14/03/2022 08:50

Sorry I will clarify.

The Schengen Zone abolished travel restrictions, so it became one big country to all intents and purposes. The UK wasn't in the Schengen Zone, so UK nationals have always needed their passports. Some other EU countries have not implemented the Schengen rules, so people still require passports. Ireland and Romania haven't for example.
And there are non-EU countries, like Iceland who are in the Schengen zone.
The UK is in a Common Travel Area with the Republic of Ireland, so nationals of those countries don't require passports to go between them.
Hope that helps.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/03/2022 08:51

Do your parents want to house him? He could possibly get a job pretty quickly or even help out with refugees to assuage his guilt for example. He would need his passport for this. This MAN should be allowed to make his own choices.

As for travelling to Warsaw. We opted out of shengen, which is why there were systematic boarder control. There are still sometimes spot checks if travelling by road between countries. With the Ukraine situation, I would wonder if patrols have restarted between certain countries.

How would that flight work for a Brit? He needs a passport to board a plane in the EU. He isn’t even an EU citizen so has the same status as anyone with a passport from a third country.

GreenClock · 14/03/2022 08:54

The grandmother acted inappropriately but the young man needs somewhere to stay so I wouldn’t send him away. He will have to deal with the mental health repercussions when the war is over.

OfstedOffred · 14/03/2022 08:54

You do if you don't want them to be killed by Russians when it's avoidable

You don't get to choose what risks other adults take, even your own children.

OrlandointheWilderness · 14/03/2022 09:14

He is an adult. He should be allowed to make his own choices.

Gowithme · 14/03/2022 10:20

Maybe he didn't want to go and fight at all, he just felt obliged to and the grandmother has actually just enabled him to make the choice he really wanted. No one should have to fight in a war if they don't want to, and there's no way for anyone here to know what he really wanted.

OfstedOffred · 14/03/2022 11:29

Dont get me wrong, I would do everything to try and verbally persuade my son not to. But to actually take another adults passport - not ok. What you consider protecting them is actually just denying them freedom.

Hoppinggreen · 14/03/2022 11:33

Do your parents know his story is true?
He could be 25+ and have hidden his own passport or anything and unless your parents can verify who he is then there is no way they should have him in their home. Even then I don’t know why they would

Hoppinggreen · 14/03/2022 11:34

Also, for people talking about schengen/passports etc this man and OPs parents are NOT in The UK

VelvetChairGirl · 14/03/2022 11:52

Can I ask all the people saying he should go and fight if he wants, if their view would be the same if he wanted to fight for Russia?

because this is all reminding me of all those girls who ran off to isis.

CaptainMyCaptain · 14/03/2022 11:59

If he was my son or grandson I wouldn't want him to fight either but he is a grown man and can make his own choices. It is wrong to take someone's passport and I believe, in the UK at least, it is actually illegal.

FacebookPhotos · 14/03/2022 12:00

because this is all reminding me of all those girls who ran off to isis.

Returning home to fight for your own country against an invader is just not the same thing at all.