Son in toxic relationship

[frightenedmummy]

My son (21) met a girl about a year ago online and they quickly started a relationship and he moved in with her after a few weeks.
We didn't hear much from him after he moved 5 hours drive away to where she's from.

We knew she was bossy and he always did as she said and eventually he stopped contact with all his friends at her say and only spoke to us on loud speaker so she could listen in.

He came back home a couple of weeks ago saying it was all over and he was bruised where she'd kicked and punched him and he told us how he hadn't been aloud to speak to anyone and she verbally abused him the entire relationship and threatened to call the police and make up lies to get him arrested if he tries to leave.

After he left her she continued to threaten him and wished him dead.

Now he's gone back to her and although we're worried we know he's an adult and it's his choice but I can't forgive her after the way she's attacked him and the unforgettable things she has said I also don't want to lose him and know I need to respect his choice, I really thought he had seen the relationship for what it is.

She told him he's useless [post edited by MNHQ] and no one else will ever want him and he's nothing without her and put him down to the point he believes it all.
She's completely isolated him and he needs that support network but I don't know how best to play things.
I feel as though to be in his life I need to play to her tune like he does when really I don't want to play her toxic games I really don't know how to react, we've been civil and so far she's been civil to our face back but it's no secret that she's been trying to turn him against us, he's told us so.
I've reassured him he's none of the things she's said and we love him and will always be here if he needs us. Is there a lot more we can do or do we just play along with her for his sake?

No advice unfortunately but I sympathise with you as my 20 dd is in an abusive relationship although hers is emotional abuse coercive controlling. She’s an adult so not much we can do except hope she comes to her sense soon and be there for her if and when she does

It’s more than a toxic relationship - it’s physically violent - he has been the victim of assault.

There is lots of information and advice for you and your son on the link below. Keep all lines of communication open but your instinct is correct to not risk enraging the abuser. It is a good sign that he came home to you. Keep supporting and encouraging him and lines of communication open.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

The best support you can offer your son at the moment is to keep communication lines open. Don't judge, don't slag her off (as tempted as you must be!). He needs to reach the decision to leave himself, and it will be so much easier knowing he will be welcomed back with open arms. He's come back once already and he will again.

But it must be incredibly worrying for you in the meantime.

Do not visit them, and do not provoke her. Also be warned that she probably already monitors all of his emails and texts too. Good luck. x

@ESGdance thanks for the link I'll give it a read.

I have a son the same age, I don’t get involved with his relationships at all. I can understand how upsetting this is for you as his mum though, I would hate either of my sons to be treated like this.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy has it spot on. It can take multiple attempts to leave an abuser so the best you can do is to keep the lines of communication open and reinforce that he can always come home, whenever he wants, for any reason.

My nephew was in a relationship like this.
He recorded his gf on his phone and worked up the courage to go to the police as things had got so bad (it took 2 years). They were FANTASTIC. They showed him understanding and there was never any judgment. They helped him get his gf out of his house.
It’s so hard for you but just keep telling him how much you love him and you’ll always be there for him. Let him know he’ll always have a roof over his head.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your son.

www.mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/ can offer support to families and advice - I hope he can get free from this - all you can do is support him and be there for him

Thank you @ghostyslovesheets and everyone else, I'm sorry others have gone through the same.
It's heartbreaking and doesn't help he's so far away. I'm glad he came home and opened up to us even if she talked him round.

I'm in the same boat ,OP. I just try and be in there (even if it's at the end of the phone these days ) for him. He doesn't visit us now because she doesn't approve. My heart breaks . I try not to run her down but always make it clear her behaviour is wrong. Such a bad situation!

It’s so difficult dd is at university so we are funding and financing this abusive relationship they split up on Christmas Day and she confided to me how toxic it was she had run up debts because of him and said she had to go back to him to get the money back we paid it off she’s gone back anyway but is lying to us claiming she’s no contact with him we have never stopped her seeing him we don’t even mention him or their relationship. She will finish university soon no longer have the university house share that we paid for even though she moved in with him and we didn’t even know where she was living she will probably move in with him who is 26 not studying and has no job and no intention of getting one as awful as it sounds but me and dh have decided the funding stops there

Sounds very very difficult @Alfiemoon1 - do you think that there are drugs involved here? The debt and him not working ring alarm bells. Does she keep in contact with her Uni friends or friends from home?

He smokes weed she says she doesn’t but who knows. The debt was incurred because he had a bright idea to breed his dog so it was vet bills and he apparently needed a brand new iPhone to advertise them 11 dogs 2 flea ridden cats that they can’t afford to treat or neuter 2 gerbils in a 1 bedroom flat. They struggled to sell the puppies. When they split up dd said she had to go back to him to get her share of the money to pay back her overdraft she’s never had any debt always been very sensible with money so it was stressing her out like fools we paid it off £1500 and she’s gone back anyway not seen a penny of the money they ended up practically giving them away and he’s planning on doing it again soon

What a mess. What a cliche.

Try not to be cross or judgemental to her face (healthy rage behind her back though) - and 100% zero money or any other input that inadvertently enables and makes this relationship comfortable and sustainable.

Oh gosh, this sounds awful. It must be so difficult for you OP, knowing that you can’t do anything. Please please tell him to always wear a condom though. She might lie about contraception so he needs to make sure he takes precautions.

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0700912/abused-by-my-girlfriend

If you haven’t already seen this it’s worth watching. It seems that the relationship was v intense from the beginning and he was likely love bombed to have moved so quickly. Is he particularly vulnerable - did he leave behind a job, friends and a hobbie?

Sounds like she is very mentally unstable and abusive and these situations don’t plateau or get any better - she will get worse. He needs to know “this behaviour” is totally unacceptable for anyone (don’t use her name) and is supported and encouraged to know he has agency without judgment.

Can you tell the police ? He's at risk

I wouldn't say he is vulnerable but he's very quiet and submissive, she on the other hand has a very strong personality and is very domineering.

Yes he had a career he's worked hard for which he walked away from.
Another problem is he's living in her home which they rent from her grandparents so she threatens to kick him out whenever he doesn't do as he wants to keep him in line because she knows he's got nowhere to go and once spent a night in his car, even though he pays the rent and bills, it's her name on the lease and she uses that.

We haven't heard from him since he went back to her but no doubt he's paying the price for attempting to leave and exposing her toxic games to everyone.
I hope she hasn't assaulted him again, she's a big girl with a big temper, and she's manipulative and he's sucked into her mind games and the worst is that he knows and tells us how she is and what she calls him and his family but she still managed to talk him back.

@springisaroundthecorner

Can you tell the police ? He's at risk

I would like to but he wouldn't want me to.

@ESGdance thank you just watched it. Heartbreaking.
And to think I worried sick about my daughters getting into relationships but never considered my 6ft+ son would be faced with this.

In my mind it's so simple, she lives miles away so come back home, block her and start again and that's what he wants to do but somehow he just can't seem to let go.

Yep we are in the same situation dd said when she was living with him she learnt how to cry silently and wished someone would come and get her we would of had we of known they split up my dsis went to get her stuff from his which he refused until the police were called dd deleted his number blocked him that lasted a few days and we are back to square one she’s back with him

Keep strong @Alfiemoon1 - woman’s aid say that woman leave and return on average 7 times before the last time. So maybe redrawn your expectations along these lines.

It’s hard not to get cross and throw in the towel as it is such an emotional rollercoaster that you are on with her. But always keep in contact encouraging and supporting her non judgmentally even when you want to shake her. Imagine she is trapped in a tug of war - she doesn’t need any pressure from your end as she will experience this disproportionately hard as she is already under extreme emotional stress. Does she graduate this summer? Is she keeping up with her course? Does she keep in contact with any friends?

@frightenedmummy - is your son working where he is now? Does he have access to colleagues? Can you talk to him whilst he is at work?

I wonder if you could have an off the record conversation with the local police force? She may have a record.

Best thing you can do is keep communicating with him. She will want to drive a wedge between you so don’t let her. Keep telling him you love him and are always there for him no matter what. Reading up on coercive control and emotional abuse will help you understand how she is manipulating him. She will most likely have “love bombed” him to get him back and made all sorts of promises about things being better. Hopefully in time he was realise that she isn’t going to change and make the break for good.

@Darkstar4855 gives very good advice. It’s really important that you read up and get informed about abusive relationships because normal rules don’t apply. She is likely someone with personality disorder or unstable MH or addiction problem - so you are not dealing with rational and your son will have been exposed to incredible manipulation (“good” and bad) - he is likely experiencing a wide range of emotions maybe confused, scared and ashamed alongside irrational hope that he can calm her and make it better back to the heady love bomb days.

Very hard for you - you need to pace yourself as well as it’s a difficult and different path that you will hopefully not have had to encounter before.