Son in toxic relationship

[frightenedmummy]

My son (21) met a girl about a year ago online and they quickly started a relationship and he moved in with her after a few weeks.
We didn't hear much from him after he moved 5 hours drive away to where she's from.

We knew she was bossy and he always did as she said and eventually he stopped contact with all his friends at her say and only spoke to us on loud speaker so she could listen in.

He came back home a couple of weeks ago saying it was all over and he was bruised where she'd kicked and punched him and he told us how he hadn't been aloud to speak to anyone and she verbally abused him the entire relationship and threatened to call the police and make up lies to get him arrested if he tries to leave.

After he left her she continued to threaten him and wished him dead.

Now he's gone back to her and although we're worried we know he's an adult and it's his choice but I can't forgive her after the way she's attacked him and the unforgettable things she has said I also don't want to lose him and know I need to respect his choice, I really thought he had seen the relationship for what it is.

She told him he's useless [post edited by MNHQ] and no one else will ever want him and he's nothing without her and put him down to the point he believes it all.
She's completely isolated him and he needs that support network but I don't know how best to play things.
I feel as though to be in his life I need to play to her tune like he does when really I don't want to play her toxic games I really don't know how to react, we've been civil and so far she's been civil to our face back but it's no secret that she's been trying to turn him against us, he's told us so.
I've reassured him he's none of the things she's said and we love him and will always be here if he needs us. Is there a lot more we can do or do we just play along with her for his sake?

He's got a new job there. He sometimes rings when he's at work but not since he's gone back.
He really wanted a girlfriend and this is his first proper one but he wasn't interested in her at first but she didn't give up and wouldn't leave him alone, it was like an obsession that she had to have him and he half heartedly gave her a chance saying she must really like me then and she came to visit for a couple of days due to the distance which turned into 2 weeks and then they left together to live at her place.

It all just happened so suddenly, he's given up everything and now he's miles away being controlled, assaulted and abused.
It's so frustrating, I worked her out as soon as I met her.

How long have they been together op and how old is the girlfriend does she work study or anything

@Alfiemoon1 Yep we are in the same situation dd said when she was living with him she learnt how to cry silently and wished someone would come and get her
I felt your pain reading this, I really hope she finds the strength to leave him.
It's great she feels she can confide in you and I don't blame you for withdrawing financially.
All we can do is try to understand.

He needs to grow a pair and get out quick.

It could escalate badly.
That definetely is not happiness having that everyday in your life.

She's 18 and they met a year ago. She's studying law, she's just not on the right side of it.

It makes it more difficult for me that she has confided in me we knew from the start he was controlling and abusive but hearing how awful her life was living with him was really hard as is knowing she’s back with him despite her not being honest with us about it

Does your son have any close-friends who can talk to him and help him? You could ask them to intervene, maybe they could "get through to him" better than you can. Sometimes we listen to our peers more than we do our own families.

Also - does he have any hobbies/activities that will give him "head-space" and time away from this loon? The more independence he has, the better his chances of breaking free of her.

Did you get photos of his bruising? If not, make sure you get photos next time it happens. This will give him some support and evidence in case she gets him arrested. It might be a good idea to put together a diary of these incidents in case it's needed in the future.

You sound like a great parent, I wish you the very best of luck in dealing with this.

I agree with 2boys hopefully if he’s still in contact with friends they will show him that it’s not a healthy relationship and at least he is going out to work mixing with other people and getting some time away from her

Dd lost her friends early into the relationship as she isn’t allowed out without him. She’s left her part time job as well as he made it to stressful for her to go they were really good arranged counselling for her but she ended off sick for 6 months so we agreed she should just leave on good terms with them. Thankfully she is now attending face to face university 3 days a week so is in the university house away from him for those days last year she was living permanently with him and opted to do online lessons they were together constantly

I’m sure you are already doing this but just being there for him and letting him know you are there no matter what. Maybe dropping hints about a fictional scenario you saw in general conversation of an example of abuse and what the person did. To make him think

@Alfiemoon1 - your DD being away from him 3 days a week and still doing Uni is a really positive sign. Keep hoping. Does she graduate this year - is she likely to come home or is he likely to get more paranoid and controlling? Is there anyone in her Uni house or even a tutor that you could have a quiet word with?

@frightenedmummy - have you name changed? Are you saying she is a first year Uni student?

Yes she graduates this year ironically she’s studying psychology so how she can’t spot a narcissist is beyond me as she is denying being in contact with him the plan is she will be moving back home however we have been there before when she split up with him previously he was pressurising her to move in with him if you loved me or was committed to the relationship she would so we signed and paid for the university house. We then found out via Facebook with his gushing post she had moved in with him. We weren’t allowed for months to know where she was living he wouldn’t allow her to tell us until they needed us
So who knows what she will do when she finishes she has the house until July

@ESGdance oh yes, I hadn't realised that!

@Alfiemoon1 sometimes it's hard for them to see what's under their nose when they so desperately don't want to see it.
Manipulation is powerful.
Reading through these responses though it sounds like we're doing the best we can right now, we can't live their lives for them. wishing you and your daughter the best outcome.

@2boysDad he vents to his friends about how she treats him and they do encouraging him to leave her, in fact his group of friends have said she's not welcome round there and they want nothing to do with her- not sure if that's helpful though.
Thank you for your kind words it means a lot right now, he speaks to his Dad more than me but as agreeable as he is when it's all said, it seems to fall on deaf ears.
Hopefully when he starts seeing it for himself he'll realise what everyone is trying to show him.

I think it’s a very delicate and subtle approach to influence them. It’s more of a going round the houses discussion as it has to get past their defences and denial and through to them allowing themselves to feel their own internal stress and be confident to make their own decisions and take action.

Sometimes advice sounds like “telling” and that can trigger someone emotionally and their ears slam shut and they become resistant in to you in their mind.

So I think the main things are to keep lines of communication open, to never be the one to judge the abusers behaviour or the victim’s inaction overtly or directly - even in tone of voice - that judgement needs to come from within and they need to think that they got there.

Always listen - maybe gently reflect back their exact words as a question or ask another question “Wow, that must have been exhausting / painful / scary / shocking … how did you react to that? How did you cope? How does that make you feel when she does that? What did you want to do / say when that happened? Is that acceptable to you? What can you do about it?

And also educate in a neutral stance (so not her name) from a professional source (so not your opinion) - x,y,z is considered abusive behaviour / domestic violence / coercive control by law etc.

www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/

This charity has amazing resources - it would be good for your DH and friends to get informed. Telling him to leave her is playing into and reinforcing her paranoid narrative that everyone hates her - where he has to choose sides - he doesn’t he has to choose his own values and mental health.

Well things have gone from bad to worse she has finally admitted to dh she is with him again as mentioned before dd got into £1500 worth of debt due to the dog breeding which I know the boyfriend is planning on doing again so dh said well you won’t be getting anymore money if it happens again you will have to work to pay for it
Dd has gone off on one thinking we aren’t going to pay her bills rent or food money says she will put for next year’s student finance she is no contact with her parents as she will get more money She may not be as she has previously gone months without contacting us and the boyfriend makes it difficult for her to be in contact with us
I have messaged her saying we will still support her through her studies this year and next if she decides to do a masters and that she will always have a room here she’s not read it though

I just feel so sad and anxious tonight I honestly wished she’d never met him it’s been 2 years of hell that started 3 weeks after she met him when she began self harming as she felt he was being controlling then

We paid for private counselling after she self harmed she was engaging well due to lockdown it was over the phone zoom obviously it’s confidential I didn’t pry but then suddenly she stopped going. Her work place popular fast food place paid for counselling for her in work time as the boyfriend one day turned up yelled at her infront of everyone and she spent the rest of the shift in tears they sent her a bunch of flowers to our address to cheer her up I posted it on Facebook bearing in mind he’s blocked but as I later discovered her has a fake profile so saw it got jealous so he wouldn’t allow her to go work he later decided he wanted the money so allowed her to go back to work she had to ring him when she got there and sit in her car on her breaks on FaceTime to him as proof she wasn’t cheating obviously this caused her stress so she has anxiety couldn’t eat so has lost loads of weight he pushed for a eating disorder diagnosis of which I have been blamed for I didn’t feed her as a child apparently or teach her to cook ironically my ds did gcse catering was brought up the same and I also apparently have an eating disorder as I am naturally tiny despite having a huge appetite. They decided it wasn’t an eating disorder it was anxiety no idea if she has been offered any further help
He is one seriously messed up individual

This is a really shocking situation @Alfiemoon1 - he sounds very dangerous and your daughter sounds to be in a very difficult situation.

Cool heads at your end are required - you can let his stress filter to you and then be sensed by your daughter otherwise this will be too much for her and she will cut you out.

Maybe find some therapy for yourselves to help you cope so that you can continue to be resilient for her as you must both be drained, fractious, frustrated and afraid after two years of this torment.

Maybe another tactic is to rebuild your relationship with her where he is never mentioned or she is never questioned about next steps - just low key calming fluffy day to day stuff - that will be comforting to her to rebuild her confidence - because ultimately she knows what she has to do - she has done it once - but she is scared and in an emotional trauma bonded prison. Getting her out of that will take a very long time and it’s probably much more indirect encouragement and support around her finding her own inner peace first before she can make decisions and plans and then take actions.

She sounds emotionally traumatised and in that physical state of fear we can only fight, flight or freeze. Seems she is mostly in freeze - when you can’t think. She needs emotional stabilisation to dial down her paralysing fear - and that is likely exposure to calm, cuddly, non confrontational conversations and activities - that over time will bring her enough comfort and strength to have focus to break free. Maybe see it as like a savings scheme - each calm, kind, bright call from you is a deposit of money in the emotional bank that one day will be enough for her to tap into. She mustn’t sense or feel your distress, pain, judgment, anger or frustration because this will just be another drain and burden on her and inadvertently and tragically keeps her trapped. It’s an exhausting and painful and counterintuitive tightrope for you to walk and that’s why it would be important for you and your DH to have significant dedication emotional support to bolster you to be able to do this at this very difficult time.

*can’t let his stress

Thank you for your kind words i apologise for my rant being peri menopausal while dealing with this is really difficult and last night I felt really down about it all.
We don’t discuss him or the relationship at all apart from the times she has split up with him and that is her choice to open up to us we never ask or push it. We act like he doesn’t exist the rest of the time don’t ask how he is or what they have been doing his name is never mentioned

I feel better today after my rant think I had been bottling everything up and it all just came out sorry

Please don’t apologise. You are in a terrible situation. Rant away. Let off steam where ever you can because that then allows you to keep putting one foot in from of the other for your daughter rather than risking seething frustration or contempt that blows up on her and slams that door shut. Your feelings are normal, justified and valid - you just need a safe place / mechanism to express, process and off load them productively.

Maybe re casting your expectations in your own mind that she will be through this by the end of the year could take the pressure off you wanting it over with (totally understandably) right now - so that you are not hyper alert for info in your day to day dealings with her that she would likely pick up on as tension even if you don’t mention him. A sort of temporarily letting go or accepting this is the status quo “for now”
(even though it’s totally unacceptable) might bring you some headspace and relief and also shift the implicit dynamic between you and your daughter to a gentler place. I don’t see this approach as indulgent or condoning just coming at it a different way, not locking horns but proactively and positively building her self esteem which he has crushed to control her and she needs back so she have the clarity, focus and strength to get herself away. Pace yourselves and make sure you are accessing support because you are likely in one the most difficult times of your life and this is when you need to know that you need support and self compassion.

I'm in the same situation with my DS. It's breaking my heart, but I'm doing the things already suggested here. I'm being supportive to him, and not pushing him away by voicing my concerns. She's awful...just really awful. Manipulative and controlling. Thankfully no physical abuse atm. I'm sorry to those going through it. It's heartbreaking. You do your best for your DC and they end up in this situation.

We are of the stance she’s an adult her relationship with her boyfriend is nothing to do with us we want to have a relationship with her separately he makes that difficult for her we know. We are hurt she chose to lie to us and have us pay off her overdraft so she didn’t have to go back to him that is our hard earned money we used and she was still in contact and with him behind our back. I may be cynical but I predict another traumatic break up in a years time when the overdraft is due to be paid back and is no longer interest free hopefully I am wrong hopefully she won’t use it again but he convinced her last time I am sure he will again

Yes you are 100% correct that you should not give her any money as this fuels, funds and enables him to continue to abuse, dominate, bully and control her and you are smart to predict the next “crisis” which you are right to plan to resist. She needs to feel the discomfort and consequences of this set up she “chooses” to be in.

Yes she is in an adult relationship which when it is normal, equal, mutual and balanced is of course nothing to do with you - however she is trapped in a dysfunctional, toxic and abusive relationship dominated by a drugged up bully so although you can’t swoop in rescue her physically or dictate to her she needs to trust that you will remain calm and open for the long game no matter how much he triggers or provokes you. It’s in his interest to derail your relationship and break contact with her so that he can isolate and control her unhindered.

Whilst she is still at Uni is there any possibility that you could have a private word with her tutor or a welfare officer who could look out for her? His behaviour is criminal coercive control of a younger vulnerable person.

So now he's unfriended me on Facebook. I am feeling so hurt by this, like suddenly it's the end for us

I expect it's her that's done it. I'm sure your son is hurting terribly

to have had to unfriend you.
I second reflecting back without judgement. Sometimes we have to hear our thoughts out loud to hear them properly.
Do you have enough support for yourself? Would you consider going to counselling, or joining up with support groups. It's awful to feel on your own with so much grief and stress. Sending you a big, long hug.