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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends Ex Wife

53 replies

7917Kj · 13/03/2022 14:38

I just wanted to get some opinions on whether I am being unreasonable to feel the way I do at the moment and what if anything I should do.

Been with boyfriend for 3 months so very early days but like him a lot, has been separated from his wife for over a year says they were effectively separated for a year before that and has no intention of ever getting back together.

They have children and he has them at least half the week and one day at the weekend, all the days they stay over are based on her working shifts that seem to change frequently meaning we can’t really plan anything and I just try and fit in around it and see him once a week on the weekend on whatever day he hasn’t got the kids.

My issue is that on the one day I do see him she is messaging him crap the whole time and he is responding. I travel an hour to see him and he’s sat on his phone. I also have children with a husband I was with for half my life so I get a need for communication but I don’t speak to my ex husband unless there’s something wrong with the children or something urgent needs to be discussed especially if I was out with someone but also appreciate everyone’s relationships are different and he wants be friendly with his ex wife.

I don’t want to come across to him like it’s about his kids as it’s not at all, one of the things I like about him is how he is with his children and how much he sees them and obviously cares for them. There just seems to be no boundaries with her, he either has the children or he taking about the children with her. She knows he is with me on this one evening a week and his phone is just constantly vibrating. It seems to me he is completely oblivious as to how this might come across and think he’s just used to how they work and communicate which i guess was fine when he was single but is making me feel a little uncomfortable.

I’ve said nothing so far but to be honest it’s stating to make me feel a bit crap and if my failed marriage taught me anything it was to not forget my self worth and I feel like I am starting to question it again. Should I say something and if so what? I don’t want to sound needy or clingy or, like I said, that I expect to be put before his kids as I don’t they should always come first but not his ex wife.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 13/03/2022 14:40

I would walk away. This isn't going to get any better.

RandomMess · 13/03/2022 14:40

They haven't detached from each other yet. I'd walk away.

Baaaa · 13/03/2022 14:41

He's not ready yet. Move on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/03/2022 14:42

He’s not sufficiently detached from her to be dating anyone. Save yourself a load of hassle and find someone else.

vodkaredbullgirl · 13/03/2022 14:43

Move on.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 13/03/2022 14:45

Agree with everyone else. He's not ready for a relationship. I'd move on if I were you. It's not going to change any time soon.

Original poster
7917Kj · 13/03/2022 14:47

Should I say why or just finish it?

OP posts:
Babadook76 · 13/03/2022 14:47

The thing is he’s been like this from day 1. He’s not hidden anything from you. You can’t walk into a relationship and then demand that he completely changes the dynamics between him and his ex and his kids. I wouldn’t like to be in a relationship with someone like him, but it’s a take it or leave it situation. I’d leave him

Original poster
7917Kj · 13/03/2022 14:49

No he’s not hiding anything I agree and I wasn’t saying it was wrong I was asking if I should say something as he seems pretty keen on me all this aside or just walk away and leave him to it:

OP posts:
Babadook76 · 13/03/2022 14:49

I’d just finish it op, I can see where it would likely lead if you told him. He’d promise to change and suck you back in. And then he’d either not change, or he’d resent you for the friction that you will end up causing between him and his ex if he does stop speaking to her because of you

Original poster
7917Kj · 13/03/2022 14:52

To be clear I don’t want him to stop speaking to her I am more than happy for them to be friends and talk every day if they so wish. My issue is that I see him one night a week and surely it wouldn’t hurt to lay off the texts unless there is some sort of child related emergency for one night

OP posts:
Szyz2020 · 13/03/2022 14:56

Your feel the same presumably if he was sitting texting his mates all night when you were spending time together. Why not phrase it along the lines of putting his phone away so you can have quality time together. Make a show of turning yours off and ask him to do the same. Will he go the cinema or out for a meal and leave his phone off or would he check it then too?

Original poster
7917Kj · 13/03/2022 14:59

Not in the cinema no, but he’s got messages when we’re having a meal that he’s read he’s not sat texting then to be fair. It just seems like an excessive amount of communication but I’ve got nothing but my own relationship with my ex to compare it to

OP posts:
CamsPaisleyCuffs · 13/03/2022 15:01

Can you not just have a conversation with him along the lines of you get so little time together is there a reason he needs to respond to her messages immediately (which presumably initiate more texts from her and a dialogue ensues)?

Unless the messages are advising him one of the kids is in hospital they really could wait to be answered at a time that's convenient to him. I do this with my ex and and my DP also does it with his. We see each other 2/3 evenings a week. Our time together is precious. Our exes don't get to control that time. It depends if he recognises it's an issue or not. You telling him you'd rather end things than continue feeling like an onlooker might sharpen his focus somewhat. Or not.

millymolls · 13/03/2022 15:04

Just tell him and see what he says

There’s no need for her to be constantly texting and if she does there’s no need for him to respond / but I imagine he’s nervous in case he ‘upsets’ her and she tries to cut down on access ….

If he doesn’t /won’t/can’t put boundaries in place, walk away

Original poster
7917Kj · 13/03/2022 15:08

I could yes and I guess that’s what I was look for advice for here as to whether I was being unreasonable for feeling like I am or if I should say something. Everything else is great it’s just this one thing but I can see it becoming huge if I act like it’s not happening

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/03/2022 15:11

The phrase I would use to him if I were you

"You seem very enmeshed and overly involved in the detail, beyond what good co-parenting needs. It doesn't leave any room for a new partner in your life"

Baaaa · 13/03/2022 15:12

@7917Kj

Should I say why or just finish it?
Doesn't really matter. You could just say he's nice but it just isn't working for you and leave him at that.
GandTfortea · 13/03/2022 15:13

By texting while he’s with you he’s letting you know where you stand .
Your not high up on his agenda.

Abaababa · 13/03/2022 15:15

Of course he hasn’t detached from his wife….coz they are still MARRIED!

Give yourself a huge favour and move on pronto.

MadMadMadamMim · 13/03/2022 15:15

I would tell him that having spent an hour travelling to see him, and the fact that we only saw each other once a week, that I expected him to actually spend that time as quality time with me, and shut out other distractions unless there was an absolute emergency.

It's damn rude to have your phone constantly buzzing away and be responding to it when you are in company. I don't care if it's your mum, your best mate or your boss. He's taken to day off to be with you and that should be his focus.

I'd tell him honestly that if he couldn't prioritise our 'date' that I'd be calling it a day with him as I want more than that from a relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2022 15:15

Why on earth would you bring all of this baggage and drama into your life? He's not even divorced yet, the kid issue, the wife who dominates everything. Fuck that. Raise your standards.

Original poster
7917Kj · 13/03/2022 15:17

@GandTfortea

By texting while he’s with you he’s letting you know where you stand . Your not high up on his agenda.
Yeah this as well but I think as I said he’s just totally oblivious to how it looks, he’s generally really nice, really polite is lovely to me and has made a big effort to introduce me to his friends and involve me in his life but this just feels so off for me I don’t know how to approach it without looking like I’m jealous or resentful.
OP posts:
ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 13/03/2022 15:18

Oh gosh. I've been there and although love won out (for a decade...after that, all bets were off) it was horrendous and if I had my time again I would definitely have walked away. I would definitely advise you to walk away.

Having also been on the other side of it, I can definitely say that separated for a year from a marriage feels like nothing at all - even living separately with no intention of getting back together, in my experience, doesn't mean that lives are unmeshed yet, or that emotions have settled. It is really hard.

Eightiesfan · 13/03/2022 15:23

As you say it’s early days, men are not mind readers if you don’t communicate with him and tell him how you feel about the constant texting when you are together he will not have any idea he’s doing anything wrong. If I was you I’d at least give him the chance to change this rather than just ending things. If you have the talk and it continues then walk away.