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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriends Ex Wife

53 replies

7917Kj · 13/03/2022 14:38

I just wanted to get some opinions on whether I am being unreasonable to feel the way I do at the moment and what if anything I should do.

Been with boyfriend for 3 months so very early days but like him a lot, has been separated from his wife for over a year says they were effectively separated for a year before that and has no intention of ever getting back together.

They have children and he has them at least half the week and one day at the weekend, all the days they stay over are based on her working shifts that seem to change frequently meaning we can’t really plan anything and I just try and fit in around it and see him once a week on the weekend on whatever day he hasn’t got the kids.

My issue is that on the one day I do see him she is messaging him crap the whole time and he is responding. I travel an hour to see him and he’s sat on his phone. I also have children with a husband I was with for half my life so I get a need for communication but I don’t speak to my ex husband unless there’s something wrong with the children or something urgent needs to be discussed especially if I was out with someone but also appreciate everyone’s relationships are different and he wants be friendly with his ex wife.

I don’t want to come across to him like it’s about his kids as it’s not at all, one of the things I like about him is how he is with his children and how much he sees them and obviously cares for them. There just seems to be no boundaries with her, he either has the children or he taking about the children with her. She knows he is with me on this one evening a week and his phone is just constantly vibrating. It seems to me he is completely oblivious as to how this might come across and think he’s just used to how they work and communicate which i guess was fine when he was single but is making me feel a little uncomfortable.

I’ve said nothing so far but to be honest it’s stating to make me feel a bit crap and if my failed marriage taught me anything it was to not forget my self worth and I feel like I am starting to question it again. Should I say something and if so what? I don’t want to sound needy or clingy or, like I said, that I expect to be put before his kids as I don’t they should always come first but not his ex wife.

OP posts:

Bellyups · 13/03/2022 15:25

He’s still emotionally attached. You deserve someone who is available. I’d move on

Bananarama21 · 13/03/2022 15:29

Ge isn't ready to date I hope you haven't been introduced to his dc.

Original poster

7917Kj · 13/03/2022 15:34

@Bananarama21

Ge isn't ready to date I hope you haven't been introduced to his dc.

No it’s much too early

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 13/03/2022 15:39

I think a conversation is in order, see what he has to say. Unless it’s about contact, there’s surely no need for constantly messaging. Is he aware of how you feel? If you breakup, I’d definitely tell him why. He doesn’t sound ready to be in a new relationship.

thenewduchessoflapland · 13/03/2022 15:39

He hasn't quite detached from her mentally has he?;they still seem to be invested in more than a co parent relationship.

He says it's definitely over but I'm not so sure a reconciliation isn't on the cards.The first man my friend dated properly following her split from her exH ended their relationship because he realised he still loved his ex and wanted to try and give it another shot.My friend was devastated and he did get back together with his ex.

Loopytiles · 13/03/2022 15:48

Doesn’t travel to visit you? (When you’re doing so for him).

Doesn’t give you reasonable notice of dates?

Communicating with his ex during your dates.

Agree with MadMadMadamMim

If he’s otherwise been great, might set it out once and see what he then does. Most likely, the issues continue and you then need to end it anyway.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/03/2022 15:49

@RandomMess

The phrase I would use to him if I were you

"You seem very enmeshed and overly involved in the detail, beyond what good co-parenting needs. It doesn't leave any room for a new partner in your life"

I think I'd not offer my opinion as to whether or not his level is 'overly' or 'good'. He's entitled to be as enmeshed as he wants to be. If he ends up losing potential new partners, that's his lookout.

"You seem to be in almost constant communication with your ex-wife, which is disruptive to our time together. The constant interruptions to answer her texts/phone calls simply doesn't work for me. I don't expect you to change your way of doing things so I think we need to call it a day".

cordelia16 · 13/03/2022 15:49

If you don't want to seem jealous, you can phrase it that you don't like that he is always on the phone when you're together, especially given that you don't see each other that often. That you want his full attention at dinner etc (unless it's an emergency). He might then get defensive and say "yeah, but it's only ex I text"... which can then open up that conversation.

My instinct is that he's not ready to move on yet... until he finds her messages too suffocating, there's probably not a lot you can do. But I think you should tell him why you're ending things.

Harvestofthesun · 13/03/2022 15:53

I wish I’d listened to myself in the early days when the red flag warnings were coming. I didn’t and if only got worse. I’ve wasted years. Don’t be me.

Original poster

7917Kj · 13/03/2022 15:55

@Loopytiles

Doesn’t travel to visit you? (When you’re doing so for him).

Doesn’t give you reasonable notice of dates?

Communicating with his ex during your dates.

Agree with MadMadMadamMim

If he’s otherwise been great, might set it out once and see what he then does. Most likely, the issues continue and you then need to end it anyway.

He does travel to me too we do one weekend at his and one at mine.

He gives reasonable notice of dates but the day of the week we see each other is solely dictated but his ex’s shift pattern there doesn’t seem to be any negotiation on this and it’s almost as if feels by saying I can’t have them Friday but can have them Saturday would make him a shit father. I’ve not got involved with that and just worked with it as maybe this is just what they have agreed to cover childcare round her work but it’s quite restrictive would there be movement if it was my birthday or something... who knows that’s a separate thing

OP posts:

WonderfulYou · 13/03/2022 15:57

As it’s only been 3 months I wouldn’t rush into anything either more serious or ending it completely.

Some people will receive a text and read and reply straight away.
Some people (like me) ignore their phone and then forget to read/reply.

Unless you are over his shoulder looking at his messages it’s probably some her but some his mates too and he just says it’s her.

I’d personally give it a few more weeks and see how you feel. As you know it’s very difficult dating a single parent and maybe your schedules means it’s not going to work.

Xpologog · 13/03/2022 15:57

I had this. She went through a phase of phoning us at home every hour and hanging up, turned up at the house. When she got pregnant by new partner she called with every detail of every a.n appointment. I’m surprised she didn’t invite him to the birth —- she phoned with all the details the following day while we were in the Caribbean ( even that distance didn’t rid us of her!) It went in and on. She got an inch she took miles, and it kept escalating.
Unless he is going to limit communication with her to essentials only walk away as it won’t get any better otherwise.

BigupPemberleyMassive · 13/03/2022 16:01

@Abaababa

Of course he hasn’t detached from his wife….coz they are still MARRIED!

Give yourself a huge favour and move on pronto.

This.

It's nice for him to have someone new in bed, but he's just not that into you.

I wouldn't be surprised if they were still physically intimate.

GabriellaMontez · 13/03/2022 16:03

Short of an emergency. I wouldn't expect this level of texting with her. But also, where are his manners? Constant texting, immediately answering phone etc.

I would suggest to him that you have a phone free evening. Leave your phones upstairs or something.

Original poster

7917Kj · 13/03/2022 16:05

I’m still technically married I’m not sure that’s the problem here not everyone has the means or cause to get divorced overnight it doesn’t mean they are still sleeping with their ex husband or wife.

OP posts:

BigupPemberleyMassive · 13/03/2022 16:13

Not saying they are sleeping together because they are not legally divorced but because they still seem to be in each others pockets.

oakleaffy · 13/03/2022 16:15

@DrManhattan

I would walk away. This isn't going to get any better.

Definitely this.

Find someone more ''Available''

Unsure33 · 13/03/2022 16:18

I would tell him. If it was the other way round you would want to be told wouldn’t you ?

snowdropsandcrocuses · 13/03/2022 18:05

Good grief some of these replies!

Op it's a new relationship and you're both trying to establish a new life. Why not just try talking to him. Of course if that happens and he doesn't respond well then you have your answers. But talking and communicating are key elements to any relationship. So give it a go.

Squeezita · 13/03/2022 18:13

Op, it’s really not that big a deal to discuss this with him.

Why are you so worried about bringing it up? You won’t look resentful, you are important too.

billy1966 · 13/03/2022 18:34

He is clearly not available for a relationship.

You need to up your standards.

This is not going to resolve itself anytime soon.

Move on.

cherryonthecakes · 13/03/2022 18:36

He shouldn't be dating yet. Yanbu to be annoyed

TootsAtOwls · 13/03/2022 18:38

If you do decide to finish it, do him a favour and tell him why.

I'd approach it as pp have said, emphasising the "let's not be on our phones the whole time we're together" rather than "why are you texting HER again?" Give him a chance to see it's not great behaviour no matter who he's talking to, rather than potentially coming off as jealous

2bazookas · 13/03/2022 18:53

Just tell him. Then say " I want you to turn off your phone when I'm there".

If he won't stop taking her calls, then this relationship is never going to work. End it.

DrManhattan · 13/03/2022 19:08

@2bazookas
The op shouldn't have to tell him to turn his phone off, he should want to. Its a new relationship, when you put 100% in. This is his best and it's not good enough. If the op has to tell him what's the point?

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