Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or is DH?

55 replies

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 13/03/2022 09:02

Just a little thing really but money related, which can often be a bit of a sensitive subject! DH gave DD13 £20 to buy some shelves. She couldn’t find any so DH asked for the money back. She kept saying she would get it out of her bag but this morning had still got it. I give her £10 on a Monday as she goes to a club twice a week where she’s not keen on the food so she can buy something out of that money. She suggested keeping the £20 to use for 2 weeks youth. DH was still saying she should pay him back. I said that I would ask him for that money anyway, to save me going to the cash point, and that I would keep it rather than letting her have the whole lot then give it to her as she needed it. I couldn’t make him see that it didn’t matter who DD gave it back to. He does tend to think in terms of “ his money” & “ my money” & we did have a talk about that. He thinks we need to teach DD the value of money. She’s just paid him back & in a minute, I will have taken the money off him! Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
VanLife · 13/03/2022 09:05

He is

ChiselandBits · 13/03/2022 09:07

I'm not sure why this situation is reaching her the value of money. If she'd spent the £20 on random shit and wanted more then I could see his point but it's just logistics of moving the money about.

Blinkingheckythump · 13/03/2022 09:13

Him

Ohyesiam · 13/03/2022 09:15

He is, very inflexible. Can’t see where handing him £20 to be given it back could teach the value of money.

implantreplace · 13/03/2022 09:16

Is the £10 to also pay for club
Or just for food?
Or both food and club?

Hermanfromguesswho · 13/03/2022 09:16

He can’t see it. Get all 3 of you in the same room. Ask DD to hand DH the money. Then ask DH to pass it to you. Then pass it to DD in front of him. Show him visually that he’s being a numpty!

FusionChefGeoff · 13/03/2022 09:17

I'd say your way teaches her more - eg if you don't spend £20 on shelves you then have £20 to spend on 2 weeks at youth club. Very sensible.

Thatsplentyjack · 13/03/2022 09:18

He doesn't sound very bright.

NoSquirrels · 13/03/2022 09:19

Bizarre. Is he this weirdly rigid about other stuff?

Do you have joint or separate finances?

PinaColada123456 · 13/03/2022 09:21

He is, and you are being unreasonable for not having nipped this in the bud years ago with the 'his' money vs 'my' money. It should be FAMILY money, not his. You really need to sort this out, once and for all. You've let this happen and he has grown into a monster.

girlmom21 · 13/03/2022 09:25

I think it's stranger that a 13 year old is buying her own shelves tbh.

I do agree with him actually. It much less complex to keep all the money separate.

She didn't buy shelves so she gives the money back for the shelves.
Then she gets £10 each time she goes to youth club.

If you do have separate finances (which it sounds like you do) DH shouldn't have to be out of pocket for the youth club money if that's something you choose to give her.

PinaColada123456 · 13/03/2022 09:30

@girlmom21

I think it's stranger that a 13 year old is buying her own shelves tbh.

I do agree with him actually. It much less complex to keep all the money separate.

She didn't buy shelves so she gives the money back for the shelves.
Then she gets £10 each time she goes to youth club.

If you do have separate finances (which it sounds like you do) DH shouldn't have to be out of pocket for the youth club money if that's something you choose to give her.

It's much more complex having separate money. It's much less complex having just family money. The fact this confusion happened in the first place, that her DH sees them as separate money, and cannot use critical thinking is proof of how complex their situation is.
girlmom21 · 13/03/2022 09:32

@PinaColada123456 it's really not complex not having family money.

I also think saying to a teenager "no give me the money back and we'll give you the youth club money when you go to youth club" is perfectly reasonable.

stuntbubbles · 13/03/2022 09:35

@FusionChefGeoff

I'd say your way teaches her more - eg if you don't spend £20 on shelves you then have £20 to spend on 2 weeks at youth club. Very sensible.
But it doesn’t teach that, because the £20 was never “shelves or club”: it was for shelves. OP would still have given her £10 each week for the club.

I actually agree with DH here: she should have given the money back when asked, because it was specifically for shelves, which she didn’t get. It wasn’t hers to keep and decide it could be used on the club instead. She’s not the boss of the money.

1910username · 13/03/2022 09:38

Could it be that he may have thought that she had spent it on something else and wanted to see the actual notes to make sure whether she still had it or not?

I also think it’s good practice to return the money if what was supposed to be spent on wasn’t available.

MorningSicknessIsHell · 13/03/2022 09:43

It's a control thing IMO...

ThinWomansBrain · 13/03/2022 09:44

I agree with stuntbubbles - she didn't buy the shelves, she should return the money she was given to do that.
the fact that it will come back to her for spending at a youth club over the next two weeks is irrelevant. as is whether you go to a cash point of DH gives you the same £20 cash.

drawingpad · 13/03/2022 09:50

I don't think this is about control at all. Your DD should have given the money back without being asked, never mind having to be asked several times. I think that's why your DH was insistent that the money was returned rather then muddying the waters with the club situation, and your DD making the suggestion she kept the money and used it over the next 2 weeks. He wanted to send a clear message that she needed to give that money back. I think your 13to is out of line for being so dismissive and not simply getting the money from her bag and returning it the very first time she was asked. You are enabling her by bringing the club money into things.

TravellingFrom · 13/03/2022 09:53

He is really arguing about £20?!?

God, what would happen if it was £2000 instead?

drawingpad · 13/03/2022 09:54

@TravellingFrom

He is really arguing about £20?!?

God, what would happen if it was £2000 instead?

His argument would be the same. The 13 year old should have given it back Hmm

ChiselandBits · 13/03/2022 09:56

Or, the 13 year old can see the logic of just hanging on to the £20 for two weeks club money when all her dad can see is a loss of £20 and no shelves. He hasn't equated that with the fact the op would be asking him for the same amount and now won't have to. IF the teen now spends the money on something else, she goes hungry at club.

drawingpad · 13/03/2022 10:01

@ChiselandBits

Or, the 13 year old can see the logic of just hanging on to the £20 for two weeks club money when all her dad can see is a loss of £20 and no shelves. He hasn't equated that with the fact the op would be asking him for the same amount and now won't have to. IF the teen now spends the money on something else, she goes hungry at club.

She is 13, it's not up to her to logically arrange the family finances. She had £20 to five back to her dad, she should have given it. Tbh I'm trying to work out why either parent allowed her to simply keep saying she would get it but not say to her 'now please' and enforce it.

Everydayimhuffling · 13/03/2022 10:02

Tbh, I'd have wanted to check that she still had it, so I'd have made her hand it over/show me before she kept it for her club. Nothing to do with the value of money though

sillysmiles · 13/03/2022 10:08

Can you arrange to be there as she hands it back and then immediately ask him for it and hand it straight back to her to illustrate the pointlessness of her giving it back only for you to have to give it to her again

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 13/03/2022 10:09

I'm with DH, I'd say he thought she'd spent it on something else so wanted to see she had it. Your logic applies both ways- why would she not just hand it back, she'd be getting more in a few days anyway 🤷‍♀️

Swipe left for the next trending thread