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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH?

55 replies

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 13/03/2022 09:02

Just a little thing really but money related, which can often be a bit of a sensitive subject! DH gave DD13 £20 to buy some shelves. She couldn’t find any so DH asked for the money back. She kept saying she would get it out of her bag but this morning had still got it. I give her £10 on a Monday as she goes to a club twice a week where she’s not keen on the food so she can buy something out of that money. She suggested keeping the £20 to use for 2 weeks youth. DH was still saying she should pay him back. I said that I would ask him for that money anyway, to save me going to the cash point, and that I would keep it rather than letting her have the whole lot then give it to her as she needed it. I couldn’t make him see that it didn’t matter who DD gave it back to. He does tend to think in terms of “ his money” & “ my money” & we did have a talk about that. He thinks we need to teach DD the value of money. She’s just paid him back & in a minute, I will have taken the money off him! Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TravellingFrom · 13/03/2022 10:12

@Everydayimhuffling

Tbh, I'd have wanted to check that she still had it, so I'd have made her hand it over/show me before she kept it for her club. Nothing to do with the value of money though
That is a good point but it depends on how reliable the 13yo is. One of mine might have decided to keep the £20 for themselves but the other wouldn’t.

So again the reaction should be dependent on the teen ad their usual atttitude.

girlmom21 · 13/03/2022 10:14

@sillysmiles

Can you arrange to be there as she hands it back and then immediately ask him for it and hand it straight back to her to illustrate the pointlessness of her giving it back only for you to have to give it to her again
Yeah undermining your husband in front of your petulant is both great parenting and great marriage advice.
girlmom21 · 13/03/2022 10:14

*petulant teenager, obvs

Qwill · 13/03/2022 10:14

I think you are being unreasonable here. Your husband gave her the money to get shelves, she didn’t so should give the money back to him. How you and your husband sort of finances between yourselves doesn’t involve your daughter. It will teach her to pay back the person who gave her the money and to see that men and women have their own finances and women don’t just ask men for pocket money.

TravellingFrom · 13/03/2022 10:16

The problem here is two fold though

  • yes she should have handed the money back straight away
  • argument about keeping the £20 is between the OP and her DH. They are the ones who disagree with each other on what to say the 13yo to do. And I think the DH is making a mountain out of molehill there.

@sillysmiles I have to say, this is the sort of thing I would have done. Say ‘ok then’ and give the £10 back to dd straight away. I mean she’ll need it tomorrow anyway….

Throwntothewolves · 13/03/2022 10:17

Why wouldnt she pay the money back when asked? In my experience that is a bit of a red flag. Has she already spent it? If so, what on? How do you know she isn't spending the £10 you give her on something other than clubs?

It's not good to teach her it's ok to take money lent/given for a specific thing then keep it to use for something else instead. Imagine in future giving her a few thousand to furnish her first flat and her going on a fab holiday with the money instead.

As for your specific question, yanbu, but this scenario is more nuanced than just logistics

TravellingFrom · 13/03/2022 10:18

@girlmom21
The reality is that they are both undermining each other there anyway.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/03/2022 10:22

YANBU - but she is being evasive about the money.

Are you absolutely sure she still has it and isn't making excuses not to get it out of her bag?

TravellingFrom · 13/03/2022 10:22

One big issue with the DH response is that it’s showing he has no trust in her. When the dd proposed to keep it for the next two weeks instead, his immediate answer has been NO.
Meaning (as posters have said)

  • she can’t be trusted to not have spent it
  • he (or the OP) has to be control of money and give it know by dribs and drabs because… otherwise she will spent it all?

Unless there is a huge backstory with the dd spending money in a stupid way, then it’s say it’s not on.
(Same than thé hypothetical example for giving her a few thousand ds to furnish a flat and then that money be used for a holiday instead).
Either you trust the person you give it or you don’t.

TravellingFrom · 13/03/2022 10:23

@NeverDropYourMooncup she has given the money back… she always had it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/03/2022 10:29

[quote TravellingFrom]@NeverDropYourMooncup she has given the money back… she always had it.[/quote]
I apologise...bad night's sleep, so I didn't read the last bit properly.

But it did come across as evasive - I've known people do exactly that, take money for one thing, avoid returning it and spending it on something entirely different - weed/booze/etc - I'd want to at least see the money in those cases (and in at least one of them, if it did come back, it was under duress because they were definitely not happy about their intentions being sussed out).

drawingpad · 13/03/2022 10:30

Why wouldnt she pay the money back when asked?

Because neither parent enforced it and now they are in a ridiculous situation blaming each other for something that never should have happened.

MarinoRoyale · 13/03/2022 10:31

There’s no obvious right it or wrong here, you and your DH are just working to different principles. Your DH is going by the “I gave you money for a specific purchase which wasn’t made so give me my money back aka show me you’ve not spent it on something else” principle (not unheard of for teenagers to use money for a different purpose!) whilst your going by the “it makes life easier to rob Peter to pay Paul” principle.

Personally, I’d have backed my DH up if he’d asked my DD to do something a number of times and she was reluctant, it’d make me more adamant that I’d see the money before giving it over for something else!

Thethreecs · 13/03/2022 10:33

I think your dd is the clever one here and obviously understands the value of money as she came up with a very clever idea to use the money over the 2 weeks.

As a pp said, if he wants to see the money being handed back to him, do it all in the same room, she gives him his money back, you ask him for the money and you hand it back to dd. It's ridiculous when you think about it.

Gowithme · 13/03/2022 10:38

I'd be wondering if she was so reluctant to give it back because she'd already spent it. IMO it's not up to her how the money is used and if she didn't spend it on shelves she should give it back, not decide that she will redistribute it (to herself!) as club money.

drawingpad · 13/03/2022 10:42

I think your dd is the clever one here and obviously understands the value of money as she came up with a very clever idea to use the money over the 2 weeks.

It's hardly 'very clever' - but you are not wrong, the DD is the clever one here, she created a situation between her parents because she saw a weakness where they don't enforce what they say. This will only every escalate as things go on. You need to be in the same page with children and mean what you say.

merryhouse · 13/03/2022 11:19

Have to say, until the part where OP said "she's just paid him back" I was nodding to myself "she's spent it already".

The whole his/hers/joint thing is a minefield of emotion and should - but probably won't - be addressed in a calm manner away from any trigger points

but in this particular instance I can see why H was insistent (even if I'm not convinced it was the most helpful response to his suspicions).

Of course, the 13-year-old's attitude to money will be heavily influenced by what she's seen her parents do.

Thewindwhispers · 13/03/2022 11:20

I think he was being reasonable. He gave teen £20 to buy shelves, she didn’t buy shelves, so he asked for the money back and she started dicking about and saying later and making up excuses. Then she got you involved to back her up. Sounds like she was playing power games with her dad. Why didn’t she just give the £20 back? This wasn’t abiut whether money is family money or his mineg this was about dd winding up her dad on purpose.

Original poster
SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 13/03/2022 12:18

Thanks everyone. There is a bit of a backstory with trusting DD & also DD quite often refuses to do as she’s asked which DH was getting fed up with ( we both are!) He can be a bit rigid sometimes but is much better than he was. He doesn’t find parenting easy so sometimes comes across in a way that doesn’t really reflect his true character.
girlmom21 DD had see some small shelves in Primark before but unfortunately they weren’t in stock
implantreplace it was £10 for 2 youth sessions in one week. The kids make food there but DD won’t eat it as she says they don’t wash their hands. The club is free but DD will usually get a meal deal & they can buy soft drinks etc at the club.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 13/03/2022 12:19

seen

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 13/03/2022 12:24

PinaColada123456 DH isn’t a monster. He knows all the money that comes into the house belongs to both of us but he has a habit of referring to income from his business as his money. I get paid less than him & sometimes my account gets low so he transfers money across. He has recently started paying for the food shopping as prices have gone up.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 13/03/2022 12:35

I also agree that it could have been a power trip for DD. She doesn’t have a very good relationship with her Dad unfortunately. Also she can be very manipulative & set DH & me against each other.
We certainly needed to be firmer when she was messing about & not giving the money back straight away.

OP posts:
implantreplace · 13/03/2022 12:44

* Thanks everyone. There is a bit of a backstory with trusting DD & also DD quite often refuses to do as she’s asked which DH was getting fed up with*

Should have been opening sentence of our OP!!

implantreplace · 13/03/2022 12:44

* unfortunately. Also she can be very manipulative & set DH & me against each other. *

“Back story”?
Understatement

Original poster
SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 13/03/2022 12:49

Didn’t mean to drip feed but it would take an age to explain all the stuff going on at the mo. I just got frustrated this morning & wondered what people thought.

OP posts:
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