AIBU or is DH?

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

Just a little thing really but money related, which can often be a bit of a sensitive subject! DH gave DD13 £20 to buy some shelves. She couldn’t find any so DH asked for the money back. She kept saying she would get it out of her bag but this morning had still got it. I give her £10 on a Monday as she goes to a club twice a week where she’s not keen on the food so she can buy something out of that money. She suggested keeping the £20 to use for 2 weeks youth. DH was still saying she should pay him back. I said that I would ask him for that money anyway, to save me going to the cash point, and that I would keep it rather than letting her have the whole lot then give it to her as she needed it. I couldn’t make him see that it didn’t matter who DD gave it back to. He does tend to think in terms of “ his money” & “ my money” & we did have a talk about that. He thinks we need to teach DD the value of money. She’s just paid him back & in a minute, I will have taken the money off him! Who is being unreasonable?

But surely you can see those two nuggets of information weren’t back story.

The were front left, right and centre

Also she can be very manipulative & set DH & me against each other.

Well she succeeded this time, didn't she?

She suggested keeping the £20 to use for 2 weeks youth. DH was still saying she should pay him back. I said that I would ask him for that money anyway, to save me going to the cash point, and that I would keep it rather than letting her have the whole lot then give it to her as she needed it. I couldn’t make him see that it didn’t matter who DD gave it back to.

Why did you join the discussion at all (and basically back her up)? He gave her the money, he wanted it back. A lot of PPs have said how unreasonable he was. Your drip feed changes that completely and puts you in the wrong here. Which may be why you left it out.

Do you think that you are taking your daughter side against your husbands? you aren’t.

Your daughter doesn’t want you to get divorced and she doesn’t want the family to break up so allowing her to undermine your marriage is actually hurting her in the long run.

Her manipulation is an attempt to feel in control but If you give into it, she will never actually feel in control. She can’t trust that you know best if you keep giving into her so it makes her feel less secure.

@bluedodecagon

Do you think that you are taking your daughter side against your husbands? you aren’t.

Your daughter doesn’t want you to get divorced and she doesn’t want the family to break up so allowing her to undermine your marriage is actually hurting her in the long run.

Her manipulation is an attempt to feel in control but If you give into it, she will never actually feel in control. She can’t trust that you know best if you keep giving into her so it makes her feel less secure.

Where on earth have you got the idea that the parents are about to split up? Why should the DD need to feel 'in control'? The OP says:

DH isn’t a monster. He knows all the money that comes into the house belongs to both of us but he has a habit of referring to income from his business as his money. I get paid less than him & sometimes my account gets low so he transfers money across. He has recently started paying for the food shopping as prices have gone up.

@bluedodecagon

Do you think that you are taking your daughter side against your husbands? you aren’t.

Your daughter doesn’t want you to get divorced and she doesn’t want the family to break up so allowing her to undermine your marriage is actually hurting her in the long run.

Her manipulation is an attempt to feel in control but If you give into it, she will never actually feel in control. She can’t trust that you know best if you keep giving into her so it makes her feel less secure.

@bluedodecagon Have you posted on the wrong thread? The OP never once said anything about splitting up. And we have no idea whether the daughter wouldn't not want a divorce or want it. Many kids do want their parents to divorce. But the OP has never said anything remotely about that, so I hope it's just a case that you posted on the wrong thread, and would therefore ask Mumsnet to delete your post so you can post your reply to the right thread?