thread for those interested in refugee hosting/sponsorship

[EezyOozy]

I thought I would start a new thread about this as I have just heard on BBC news that they are opening up a web form tomorrow to express interest. Apparently families/households can claim £350 a month (I assume for increased expenses) and refugees will be eligible to claim or benefits and work. We have large a spare room but live rurally so whilst I will express interest I'm not sure we will be taken up on it.

I thought I would start a new thread for those who are interested and to follow the progress of the registration procedure/how this pans out in practice.

Posted here because it's the only place I know gets plenty traffic, I will probably be asking for this to be moved but don't know where to.

Dotdotdot21 - you sound like a brilliant host.

We did a lot of apologising for the weather at first but our guests’ response was to tell us about how uncomfortably hot it gets in Uzbekistan sometimes (where the mum is from originally) and how much better English rain is than that. Some people are glass half full people, others are glass half empty and it’s nothing to do with how you are as a host but omg it must make a difference to how easy it is.

@forinborin - I expected someone who would want to build a life in the UK, socialise with others and make the most of the experience on offer. As it is, I am little more than a stepping stone to her boyfriend. Turns out she has spoken to a mutual Ukrainian friend and told her that she was always intending to come to the UK
to be with him, but would not have been able to obtain a visa before the war. The only reason he didn’t sponsor her was that he was ineligible as a Ukrainian citizen.

‘It seems that half of you are disappointed that the guests don't cook or eat together, another half that the guests do cook and take space in the fridge for their ingredients. Independence is bad, non-independence is bad.‘

And more than half are getting on fine so I am not sure how you make that add up.

This thread has evolved to be one where people support one another and share challenges of hosting. If you find it upsetting you don’t have to read it.

Of COURSE many people are trying to move out. Living in someone else’s house, with different cultural expectations, is hard. I have had lodgers for years and am well aware people do it because it’s their best option at the time, not because it’s their first choice for how to live.
I am sure we all agree there could have been better vetting and preparation for hosts which would have minimised some of the trouble, but we didn’t design the scheme and it is what it is.

ShinyHat - I actually don’t think your guest is being unreasonable in her plans. The war has closed some doors and opened others. You can’t have fixed ideas about what people want to get out of being here or which opportunities they want to take. Nothing wrong with your being a stepping stone, if you are doing this to help.

Ukrainian citizens are eligible to sponsor spouse visas, same as any other nationality including British, and the requirements are exactly the same for everyone. Used to be easier for EU citizens, but not now after Brexit.
So from what you are saying she wants to build her life in the UK, and quickly found some company to socialise - at least her boyfriend and this other Ukrainian friend. So it is exactly what you wanted?

This thread has evolved to be one where people support one another and share challenges of hosting. If you find it upsetting you don’t have to read it.
I don't find it upsetting, I was trying to put in some warnings before, including on this and similar threads, to expect to host a real person and not an angel visiting the earth.

I am also hosting, both relatives and friends, who I know for decades. And even then it is very difficult. Purely from the numbers of refugees for whom the scheme did not work, I'd say that there probably was a lot of very naive thinking, which will now lead to disasters. On both sides.

Sorry I must have misunderstood what you were referring to when you said ‘It is quite upsetting’ - you meant the passage that came after rather than what came before.

@forinborin I think you have a point regarding excitement and expectations. The people arriving are individuals, with their own lives and expectations and being controlling about their food and shopping is extremely unhelpful and I would go so far as to say, unkind.

They are in a horrible situation, relying on the kindness of strangers. I would hate that but I would also like to think that I would understand the position I’m in and I would try and make things as smooth as possible.

In both my friends situations , they have long experience of au pairs etc but there is no give just take and that doesn’t work for anyone. I suppose what would probably help is a frank conversation about what is expected on both sides but for some reason this doesn’t seem to happen enough

@forinborin he was not eligible, or he would have done it.

@ShinyHat22 I think being a stepping stone is exactly what we should expect from this. That’s what I want for my guest. To be a stepping stone to whatever her future is, and that’s not for me to decide or even influence. That’s not the same as me being a doormat, but I’m not her saviour and she’s not my project.
I think if you look at it that way it’s easier. This is a kindness you are doing end of.

Honeysuckle- I agree.

The only way that could be the case is if he is illegally here, in which case he won't be able to rent officially either.

I knew when I wrote my post expressing my exhaustion someone would come along and start attacking for expressing a difficult experience.
This was supposed to be a safe support thread for us to help one another through the highs and lows of hosting. The visa process was difficult and we all complained about it. Now some of us are finding the settling in period difficult and we are venting about it so that we can then go and be good hosts without the frustration weighing on our heads. No one here needs a lecture or a 'what did you expect comment', we are all doing our best.

We are nearly at 1000 posts. Maybe whoever starts the next thread (I can later but am about to go out for lunch) can make it clear it is a support thread in the title/op. Not to stop anyone from posting but to encourage everyone to post in a supportive and constructive way recognizing that everyone is doing their best from where they are now.

@Shelovespawpatrol I hope my posts didn’t come across that way, I agree it’s difficult but we have to look at both sides - our own behaviour and expectations have to be examined. As I said upthread though, in the case of two friends the behaviour of the guests is the challenge, not friends expectations.

The lack of communication is my biggest issue but that will come in time. My guest also has no interest in cooking but I cook for the family anyway so what’s another plate…..

I also sincerely hope that we are ‘allowed’ openly discuss the challenges and not expected to behave like mother bloody teresa

My host always asks if she can give my daughter a treat but I can't tell her 'no she can't have one' and then let my DD sit and watch two other children enjoy a treat in front of her eyes so I say yes. I think I need to ask her later to keep the treats hidden away from DD and not let her daughter eat them in front of DD.

This morning was a bit easier. She still seems to need a lot of help with the admin things but I did one thing and told her I would do the rest later. She wants me to take her to the biometrics appointment. It is 2 hours by train. I also can't afford the train as they are very expensive down here. Plus it is a trigger city for me as I had an abortion there. I suggested to her to find someone local on the Facebook group who might take her. We have lots of people who can't host but want to help. She didn't want to. But then if I want her to go with someone else I will have to do all the arranging and finding someone. She really doesn't want others to help her for some reason, only me. She asked me about bank accounts. I told her to ask on the group for advice about the easiest one to open. She just looked blankly at me and didn't say yes.

Could you perhaps invite one of the prospective helpers to your house for a cuppa with you, so your lodger becomes familiar with them.

Then later on, your lodger might be ready to do things with them.

I'm not knowledgeable about attachment, but I wonder if she's latched on to you as her "safe person" while she's going through all this upheaval. Her self-sufficiency has been used up on all the other things she's been dealing with these last months. As she settles, her need for security may subside and also she will start forming relationships with other people, but right now you're "mum" to the clingy toddler part of her.

(NB This is absolutely not disparaging her. We all have an inner child, and we could all do with a mum sometimes!)

I meant I find the unfolding situation upsetting, not reading about people supporting each other. Of course, it must be very difficult for the hosts. But I find it weird people now venting about the choice that they made not under pressure and out of complete free will, once the social do-gooder halo wore off.
Ukrainians are also people, you know, it is quite weird to read "mine does this" and "mine does that" as if you are discussing misbehaving house pets. There are quite a few participating on mn too, they might be reading about themselves here.

@forinborin I completely understand and perhaps this isn’t the forum for this discussion.

I guess it’s like discussing anything on mn - parents, children, partners, au pairs etc..

We're still waiting for our guests visa's so it is easy to comment without being in the situation of actually having people here. It is absolutely understandable for hosts to find it difficult but put yourself in your guest's shoes for a minute; they have fled a warzone, this isn't some sort of cosy cultural exchange.
They may have lost their home and loved ones or at the least have had to leave loved ones behind and not know when/if they will see them again. Imagine if there were tanks rolling down your local high st / missiles falling out of the sky and you had to flee to a different country where you didn't speak the language or know anyone.
If they want to spend all of their time in their room then that is perfectly reasonable. If they want to use you as a stepping stone to somewhere else, that is also perfectly reasonable.
I think we would all like to imagine this is some harrowing but ultimately feel-good plot where we instantly bond with our guests and form lifelong friendships but real life is not often like that.
Our role is to provide a safe and comfortable place for people to stay and to help with "life admin". If you're doing that then you are succeeding. Anything else is a bonus.

Maybe another side of the problem also needs to be discussed. I just spend a couple of days trying to find another place for a mum with a baby, as the baby was... noisy, and hosts did not expect it, they had zero experience with children before. Maybe pouring some cold water is actually not heartless in this situation, as it saves everyone a lot of stress and money if people who are not too sure decide not to take the leap and host.

As an aside, it's absolutely rotten that the visa etc process has been so exhausting that just getting people to your home is an achievement in itself.

Hosts have used up so much of themselves before guests even arrive.

Restorative to you, Shelovespawpatrol, and all of you hosting.

The reason why I wanted a defined support thread was precisely so people COULD discuss the challenges without fearing they would be jumped on by posters saying ‘well what did you expect?’ and accusing them of being naive.

@forinborin , the legal status of her boyfriend is not my concern. The point I am making is that the intention given over weeks and weeks of chat does not match the reality. The latest is that she now doesn’t want to apply for UC as there is a 5 week wait for the money.
@Shelovespawpatrol thank you. Unfortunately some people on here love to criticise others for trying to do the right thing.